Safe Word

by Christie Grey

  “I lost everything in that accident,” Zane explained. “I lost my independence, my dignity...do you know what it’s like to have to depend on others to do everything for you? It was hell. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life or felt so helpless...and to think that I was dependent on pain pills on top of everything else? Well that was unacceptable. But then I discovered something.”

  “What?” she asked him, her mouth suddenly dry.

  “Getting drunk took the edge off,” Zane replied. “It helped with the pain some, if I drank enough. But what it really helped with was the anxiety. Because that was the crippling part – the fear of being without the painkillers I’d come to depend on...the fear of being in excruciating pain. That was the hardest part. And getting drunk numbed it. It helped me function again, until it didn’t.”

  “You were an alcoholic,” Melody realized. Deep down she had suspected it and once she had even accused him of it. But this was the first time her suspicions had been confirmed.

  Zane nodded. “I was in complete and utter denial about it,” he admitted. “But hearing you say it the night we fought was like a wakeup call. I realized I wasn’t as functional as I thought and that I’d endangered you. That killed me. And I’m so sorry I lashed out. I shouldn’t have. You didn’t deserve that.”

  Tears filled Melody’s eyes as she thought back to that awful night when everything had come crashing down. “I shouldn’t have said it the way I did,” she told him regretfully. “I shouldn’t have called you names.”

  He reached across the table and tentatively took her hand, squeezing it. “You probably saved my life,” he told her earnestly. “I was in a downward spiral until you came along. You rescued me from myself. I’m just so sorry that you got hurt in the process.”

  Her lower lip trembling, Melody sat up tall in her seat and raised her chin defiantly. “I’m not that delicate,” she told him even though she had been horribly hurt. “Like I told you a year or so ago, I have a mean left hook.”

  He looked down at the table then, and so did Melody. She saw that they were still holding hands. It had felt so natural and so right that apparently neither of them had realized it until that instant. Zane quickly pulled his hand away. Melody wanted to cry out for him not to, but instead she picked up her coffee and, as nonchalantly as she could, took a sip.

  She winced. It was hot.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Melody blurted out. “It’s kind of a left field one,” she cautioned.

  “Shoot.”

  “You won’t get mad?”

  “No. I won’t get mad,” he assured her.

  Lowering her voice to make sure no one would overhear, Melody whispered, “I hate to beat a dead horse here, but I’ve always wondered...why wouldn’t you have sex with me?”

  He visibly cringed at that. “Oh, that.” He looked uncomfortable, but true to his word, he didn’t react with anger like he had before. “It’s kind of embarrassing,” he mumbled sheepishly. “Maybe it’s something you won’t quite get unless you’re a guy...”

  “Try me,” she urged.

  “Okay, well...I’ve always had a problem with uh...you know. Finishing,” he said, looking as though he wanted to crawl under the table and die. “Well, almost always,” he corrected himself. “With Alexandra, it wasn’t ever a problem. But when I was with all those other women I met at sex clubs, well...I was never able to uh...stay in the moment.”

  “You never had sex with any of your subs?” Melody asked, stunned by the revelation.

  He shook his head. “Not in the traditional sense, I guess. Usually the women were nice about it but it was still embarrassing. I felt inadequate, like a guy my age shouldn’t be having those sorts of, uh, problems. I even considered being medically evaluated, but I lost my nerve. The idea of admitting my problem was far too embarrassing, so I kept it to myself.”

  Melody stared at him incredulously. “That was your big secret?” she asked, unable to hide her disbelief. “Are you serious?” Sometimes guys could be so dumb.

  Zane’s handsome face turned even redder. “I told you...you can’t possibly understand unless you’re a guy,” he mumbled. “It’s humiliating to not be able to...perform. It’s emasculating.”

  “You should have just told me. I wouldn’t have cared, and I certainly wouldn’t have made you feel bad about it. Did Alexandra give you a complex about it or something?” Melody demanded, as eager as ever to pin some blame on the woman she inexplicably despised.

  “No. Actually, I never had that problem when I was with her. She’s the only woman I’ve ever been able to uh...finish with. I don’t know why it was different with her, but it was.”

  “I know why,” Melody said suddenly, her heart sinking. The answer was as clear as day – and she didn’t like it one bit. “You never loved any of those other women – you told me so yourself. But you loved Alexandra. That’s why it was different with her. It was because you loved her.”

  It looked as though a light bulb had gone off for Zane. “You know, I’ve never thought of it like that. But now that you say it, it seems so damn obvious. You’re probably right,” he admitted. “I guess my junk isn’t broken after all,” he joked.

  Melody, however, was barely able to feign a faint smile. She was too busy considering the implications of what he had just said. Even though he probably hadn’t intended it, Zane’s words had cut like a knife.

  He hadn’t had sex with Melody because he had been afraid he wouldn’t be able to perform. And that could only mean one thing, Melody reasoned. He hadn’t loved her. He hadn’t felt for her what he had felt for stupid, perfect Alexandra.

  Melody had loved Zane, but he hadn’t loved her.

  Tears pricked at Melody’s eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks. She blinked rapidly and cleared her throat. Then she forced herself to take another long sip of coffee so Zane wouldn’t see the pained expression on her face.

  The coffee burned the roof of her mouth, making her wince. She welcomed the pain.

  “I don’t suppose...” Zane trailed off and then, after some hesitation, tried again. “I don’t suppose you want to see me again?” he asked, looking as though he was bracing himself for that mean left hook of hers. “I miss you, Melody.”

  “I miss you too,” she told him, realizing it wasn’t the time to let her stupid pride get in the way. If there was ever a time to put her heart on the line and lay it all out, this was it. So she extended an olive branch, allowing herself to be vulnerable and hoping desperately that she wouldn’t regret it. “I’m sorry I left the way I did.”

  “I don’t blame you,” he said simply. “You were smart to do it. It took me a long time to realize that you did what was best for you. But once I did, I understood. All I want is what’s best for you.” He paused for a moment and then added, “The condo feels so empty without you there.”

  “It does?”

  “Well yeah, of course,” he chuckled. “Your stuff isn’t all over the place anymore! I never thought I’d miss tripping over all your shoes in the entryway, but I sort of do. I even miss your hair clogging up the drain.”

  “Yuck,” she replied, wrinkling her nose. But she was secretly pleased to hear it.

  “Yeah, tell me about it,” he laughed, reaching out to tug playfully at a lock of Melody’s hair.

  “Hey!” she protested, not really minding at all.

  “Come over tonight,” Zane implored. He looked drop dead gorgeous as he sat across the table and stared at her with those brilliant green eyes of his. The affection in his voice was unmistakable.

  Her heart skipped a beat at the invitation. Zane missed her. He thought about her and he missed her and he wanted her around. Not only had he reached out to her today, but he also wanted to spend the evening with her. That was a positive sign. In fact, it was a very positive sign. Things were looking up!

  “It will be like old times,” he told her, trying to coax her into saying yes.

  “Oh will it?” she asked coyly,
unable to stop herself from smiling. Maybe there was hope. Maybe this thing between them could be salvaged after all. Seeing Zane again had simply affirmed that there was no other man she wanted. She couldn’t picture herself with anyone else, nor did she want to. And maybe – hopefully – Zane felt the exact same way.

  “Yeah, we can order in and watch movies,” he told her. “How does Chinese sound?”

  Melody’s heart sank at his words.

  When he had said he missed her, she had foolishly assumed it was in the same way that she missed him. She’d figured he missed the sexual and romantic aspects of their relationship. But apparently it was her friendship he was after. That was good too, sure...but after all they had been through and all they had been, could they really ever go back to being just friends?

  “Chinese sounds fine,” she said numbly.

  “Are you sure? You don’t sound thrilled about it. We can get something else if you want.”

  “I said Chinese is fine!”

  Melody stood up abruptly then, nearly knocking her chair over in the process.

  “I have to get back to work,” she told him, unable to sit across the table from him for a moment longer without letting her hurt show. She smiled brightly, feeling like a big stupid idiot as she pretended everything was fine and dandy.

  Then, hurriedly, she ran out of the coffee shop.

  Chapter 25

  That evening, Melody’s stomach was in knots.

  Even as she approached the condo, she wondered if hanging out with Zane was a mistake. Even just a brief chat over coffee earlier that day had been excruciating, filled with hopeful highs that quickly crashed into devastating lows. She feared spending an entire evening together would be even worse.

  But how could she turn down the invitation? She had tried to get Zane out of her head, and heart. She had moved out, cut off all contact and tried to live a whole new life. She had gone through all the motions.

  It hadn’t worked. She still thought about Zane every minute of every day. So she couldn’t pass up the opportunity to spend time with him, even if it was only going to be as friends. If she did, she knew she would always regret it. She would always wonder what could have been.

  Though she wanted so much more from him than friendship, Melody was prepared to take what she could get. Earlier that day Zane had vowed to stay out of her life if she wanted him to. The suggestion had appalled her. She couldn’t think of anything she wanted less. He was the best friend she’d ever had, and no one would ever be able to replace him.

  Now that he was sober and had taken responsibility for his actions, she couldn’t help but forgive him. He wasn’t a bad guy. She knew that. He had misjudged her boundaries when she was subbing, and he had definitely failed to communicate with her.

  But Zane was like a brand new man now, a new and improved version of his former self. Melody couldn’t help but be proud of him for battling his demons. And she was willing to leave the past in the past.

  Standing outside, Melody rang the buzzer. It felt weird to do that after having lived there. And when Zane let her in and she made her way to his condo unit, she had to pause for a moment to regain her composure. She was overcome with bittersweet nostalgia.

  “Hi,” Zane said, flinging open the door as she approached. She hadn’t even knocked yet.

  “Hi,” Melody replied, toying with her ponytail self consciously.

  She’d had a terrible time deciding what to wear that evening, and had even restyled her hair three times. She hadn’t wanted to look like she was trying too hard – even though she was – so casual attire and a ponytail tied with a simple red ribbon had seemed like a safe choice.

  Zane stood there awkwardly in the doorway. It was as though he couldn’t decide whether to hug Melody, kiss her or shake her hand. Then he took a halting step back, looking uncomfortable in his own skin. “Come on in.”

  “Thanks,” she said, feeling stupidly formal as he took her jacket and hung it up. It was like being a guest in her own home. Except it wasn’t her home anymore.

  “So um, I didn’t know what sort of movie you would be in the mood for, but I have a few contenders,” Zane said, talking fast as though trying his hardest to fill the silence.

  Since when were they unable to enjoy the silence together? When had it become so deafening?

  “Great, which movies do you have in mind?” she asked a bit too enthusiastically.

  “Come into the living room and I’ll show you. This way,” Zane said. Then he stopped and smacked his forehead. “Of course you know the way to the living room. I’m an idiot.”

  “You’re not,” she countered gently. “This is...”

  “Not going well,” Zane interrupted with a rueful grin. “It’s my fault. I tried not to make it weird and in doing so, I made it weird. It feels like an incredibly awkward first date. Truthfully, it feels like the kind of first date that doesn’t lead to a second one.”

  “Hmm, you’re right. It kind of does,” she agreed, relieved to hear him say so. She scrunched up her nose then and apologetically asked, “Zane, uh, are you really in the mood for a movie? Because we can watch if you want but –”

  “Watching a movie is the last thing I want,” he told her. “I just figured, well...it was something to do, you know? I thought it might make this easier if we had something to focus on. You know...something to distract us. But I was wrong.”

  Melody offered a small, forgiving smile and sat down on the couch. She looked around, both pleased and dismayed to see that the condo looked pretty much exactly as it had the day she had moved out. Nothing had changed – and yet everything was different.

  “So uh, what now?” she asked.

  “I should order our food,” Zane said, grabbing the menu off the counter. “I was thinking I’d get us a number three with a side of that ginger beef you liked so much last time,” he said, handing the takeout menu to Melody. “But if you want something else, just say the word.”

  “I want something else.”

  “Oh, okay. What do you want?”

  Melody took the menu out of Zane’s hand and tossed it aside. “Why did you ask me here?”

  “What?”

  “I mean, I could keep trying to read things into it all night, but the bottom line is I have no idea what you’re thinking or how you feel. I’m sick and tired of guessing. And I’m so over leaving things unsaid!”

  “So am I.”

  “So let’s just cut to the chase. I want my best friend back – the guy I could talk about anything with. But I also want...” Melody trailed off. It was one thing to say she wanted to lay it all on the line but quite another to actually do it. Finally, she managed to utter, “I don’t just want a best friend.” She hoped Zane would take the hint and figure out what she was really getting at.

  And he did.

  “It’s not all I want either. I miss you, Melody.”

  “I miss you too.”

  Zane ran a hand through his hair and then sat down next to her. “Look, I know I screwed up. I’m not going to blame it on drinking too much because that’s a cop out. But it did screw with my inhibitions. It’s still completely my fault for trying to play when I was drunk,” he added quickly. “I know that. Believe me, I know that. I can’t believe I was so reckless.”

  “Everyone makes mistakes.”

  “Yeah well, it’s a mistake I’ll never make twice,” he vowed. “I was selfish and immature. But I do think now that I’m sober, things could be different. I know they would be different, actually. If you wanted to, maybe...”

  “I want to.”

  His eyebrow shooting up, Zane looked at her. “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

  “I don’t care. I want to,” she assured him.

  Understanding set in and a broad smile broke out across Zane’s face. She saw that familiar twinkle in his eyes, the one that drove her completely wild every time. This time was no different. Melody ached for him.

  “You know, I’m not
really that hungry yet,” Zane told her. “At least not for Chinese food...what do you say we wait and order our dinner later?”

  “Yes,” she agreed immediately. “After.”

  The implication was clear.

  Zane grabbed Melody like his life depended on it, his hands in her hair. She wrapped her arms around his neck and breathed him in, savoring the familiarity she had been longing for. She clung to him, not wanting to let go ever again. She’d lost him once already, and that had been one time too many.

  They didn’t bother to move into the bedroom. They tore at each other’s clothes right there on the couch, their tongues exploring one another’s mouths as their hearts beat in unison. Melody could feel Zane’s hardness pressing against her thigh as he climbed on top of her, straddling her.

  It felt so good to be underneath him.

  Melody gazed up at Zane, trusting and completely infatuated. Her legs were wrapped around his waist. Reaching up, she adoringly stroked his hair, and then the side of his face. Zane captured Melody’s wrists in his hands.

  Then, suddenly, he stopped.

  “I guess I didn’t ask if you want...” he began before trailing off.

  “I want it,” she said at once, immediately understanding he was asking if she was up for kinky sex. And she was. But she also wanted something else. It had caused such friction between them in the past that Melody almost hated to bring it up again.

  But this felt like a new beginning, a fresh start. So she summoned her courage.

  “Zane, do you think maybe we could..?”

  He grimaced, knowing exactly what she was requesting. “You know I might not be able to...”

  “I know,” Melody assured him. “It’s okay if you can’t, I promise. But can we maybe try?”

  He sat up and cleared his throat. It seemed maybe the moment had passed and their lust was, for the moment, reigned in. “I guess,” he replied, sounding uncertain. “I suppose you already know about my uh, problem, so the humiliation is already out of the way.”

  She sat up too and buttoned her shirt back up, sensitive to the fact that Zane was feeling insecure. “Is that really the reason you wouldn’t have sex with me before?” she demanded. “You were afraid you wouldn’t be able to finish?”