Warrior In Her Bed (Silhouette Desire)

by Cathleen Galitz

  Structurally it would be a far cry from the hovel in which his grandmother had raised Ester and him, but Johnny hoped to fill it with the same sense of family devotion that she had. He fancied A-frame styles that followed traditional tepee lines with lots of windows and opportunities for Annie to make use of her stained-glass skills. Incorporating all the modern conveniences, he imagined decorating primarily with native artwork and artifacts. It gave him great pleasure to pass the time integrating their separate unique cultures into a dream home that reflected both their personalities. It pleased him even more to imagine the sound of children filling the rafters with raucous laughter.

  As an orphan, Johnny had missed out on years of father-son bonding that other boys took for granted. Though his grandmother had done her best to pass on the tribal ways and raise him to be a good man, she had been too old to play ball with him or take him fishing and hunting. She certainly never discussed the birds and the bees with him. Her only advice had been a stern “Just don’t get anyone pregnant and shame the family.”

  In spite of the rumors that surrounded him over the years, Johnny had obeyed her. The possibility of having children with Annie cracked his heart open like an egg. Given the horrors he had witnessed in war, a “normal” life seemed as elusive to him as sleep without those awful recurring nightmares. Long ago he had given up on ever finding anyone who could truly accept him for himself and see him for the man he was—neither 100 percent sinner nor saint but rather as someone doing his best to exorcise his demons.

  Without overtly trying to change him, Annie was smoothing his rough edges as surely as she taught her pupils how to grind down the edges of a piece of jagged glass. Johnny supposed she would just as unobtrusively help him tone down any military disciplining he might be tempted to foist upon their children, too. From what she shared about the heartache she had suffered in losing two babies herself, he imaged she would be thrilled about the idea of having a family of their own. What might appear to be a typical and easily attainable dream to others had always seemed out of reach for Johnny. Now that it was within his grasp, he wanted to shout at the top of his lungs, I’m in love with the most wonderful woman in the world!

  In love!

  The man who swore he would never utter those words found himself wanting everyone to know just how upside-down crazy in love he was. Perhaps, he thought wryly to himself, it would be better if he told Annie herself first. He practiced several approaches with Smokey on the long ride home. Cocking his head to one side, the dog gave his master a sympathetic ear. In retrospect it was easy for Johnny to see that what he had felt for the young girl who had broken his heart so many years ago had been merely infatuation on his part. It had been born less of true love than of a need to shake off his rebel label and settle down into the kind of traditional lifestyle that he hoped would make him feel less vulnerable and less an outsider. That his fiancée had treated his feelings so frivolously was clearly a sign of how lucky he had been to escape a lifetime of being tied to her. Johnny couldn’t believe he had ever given that fickle young woman the power to make him swear off love forever.

  It was a good thing that the Great Spirit looked mercifully upon all His children, even the most pig-headed ones.

  No matter what he accomplished professionally, Johnny understood that Annie’s love would ultimately prove to be his saving grace. Having given so freely of herself without demanding so much as reciprocal lip service in return, Annie deserved to hear him utter those three sweet little words on bended knee. He was impatient to start planning a future together. A future based not on lust alone, but rather upon a deep sense of devotion and commitment as rare as white diamonds. Singing along with the song playing on the radio, Johnny’s sense of elation was nothing short of contagious. Smokey added his unique harmony and kept the beat with the wagging of his tail.

  Life had never held more promise.

  The minute he pulled into the driveway, Johnny sensed that something was wrong. His first clue was that Annie didn’t come rushing out of the house to greet him, as was her habit. His second was finding his bags packed and waiting for him inside the front door.

  “What the hell’s going on here?” he demanded to know.

  Kicking his shaving kit out of the way, he tried restarting his heart by seeking some logical reason for Annie’s behavior. He willed himself not to jump to any foregone conclusions. Perhaps the house was being fumigated, necessitating the need to vacate the premises for the night. Perhaps the toilet had over-flowed, and Annie was angry that he hadn’t been there when she needed him. Perhaps while he was away, Ester had been over stirring up more trouble between them.

  Perhaps she had gotten tired of waiting around for him to tell her that he loved her. Perhaps she had simply fallen out of love with him in his absence.

  The fact that there wasn’t another Dear John letter pinned to his bags was a positive sign. Stepping into the room, he spied Annie rocking silently in the big blue overstuffed chair that had become his favorite. Her arms were crossed over her chest, her face was ghastly pale, and she made no attempt to hide the fact that she had been crying. One look at the telltale mascara smudges under her eyes and he was beside her in an instant.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, concern pouring out of him.

  Squatting down before her, Johnny took both of her hands into his own. Gently he tried massaging some warmth back into them. As always when they made physical contact, a shock traveled between them. Annie attempted to pull away from him, but Johnny held on tight. He wasn’t about to let go until he got to the bottom of whatever was troubling her.

  Onto his intentions, Annie was determined to keep her eyes averted from his. It was as if she feared he held magical powers of discernment that would allow him to look inside her soul through the windows of her eyes.

  The doctor had confirmed her suspicions. She was indeed pregnant. Held hostage by a jumble of hormones and fears, Annie stopped rocking and gave Johnny her full attention. Straight away the articulate speech that she had painstakingly practiced over and over in her mind failed her. She bit her lower lip between her teeth to keep it from trembling.

  “Nothing’s wrong. It’s just that this isn’t working out,” was all she could manage in a hoarse whisper.

  The hollow sound emanating from the bottom of Johnny’s throat fell short of bitter laughter. In a cardboard box across the room, Big and Bad stirred in their sleep. The blanket that made their soft bed was the same one he had used to spread upon the ground when he had taken Annie picnicking at the old mission. He was bombarded by images of kissing her beneath the dappled sunlight filtering through the branches of an old cottonwood tree that bore his initials in its trunk.

  What could have possibly happened in the short time between then and now to make her forsake him so?

  She might just as well have doubled him over with a two-by-four as attempt to brush him off with such a trite old line.

  “By this, I take it you really mean me,” he sneered.

  Still refusing to make eye contact, Annie focused her attention on the big work-scarred hands that still held on to hers. They were hands she had come to love. Hands that had touched every inch of her body. And her soul.

  “No, I mean me,” she tried to assure him with a brave, wobbly smile. “Johnny, you haven’t done anything wrong. You were the one who made it perfectly clear from the outset that this wasn’t going to be a long-term relationship, that—”

  Johnny cut her off. “And what if I’ve changed my mind?”

  Annie looked confused. This wasn’t at all how she anticipated him responding. Rumor had it that Johnny Lonebear was a love-’em-and-leave-’em kind of guy. He was supposed to shrug off their relationship as easily as an old shirt that no longer fit. That he resisted her efforts to treat their relationship lightly gave her good reason to pause.

  If only he had alluded to such a change of heart before everything had become so horribly complicated!

  Now that a baby was i
nvolved, Annie simply could not risk involving him in her future. She was determined Johnny would never know anything about the baby whose heart was beating beneath her own. For as much as she truly loved him, she knew that she was not emotionally up to fighting a legal battle based on his strong cultural beliefs that might well result in the loss of full or even partial custody of her son or daughter. The mere thought of another infant being ripped from her arms eviscerated Annie.

  And strengthened her resolve.

  Telling herself that she was actually doing Johnny a favor, she was tempted to point out how grateful he should be in not having yet another child who resembled him running around claiming him as a father. If Johnny would simply step aside and let her get on with her life without creating any fuss, she would gladly spare him the humiliation of a DNA test and the strain of eighteen years of court-ordered financial support. Annie cringed to think of the women who appeared on those tawdry talk shows with the intention of genetically linking some poor fellow to their babies. When the tests proved otherwise, invariably the accused man would burst into cheers of relief and jubilation—along with every other man in the studio audience who joined in calling the woman the kinds of words that had to be bleeped out by the television censor.

  Having been the recipient of such malicious name calling herself when she had been a vulnerable pregnant teenager, Annie wasn’t about to put herself through that again. What was the point in subjecting herself to such brutal denunciations?

  Or in sullying Johnny’s good name for that matter?

  Even if he claimed not to care about jeopardizing his standing in the community by cohabiting with a single white woman, especially one whose paycheck he signed, Annie most certainly did. The last thing she wanted to do was destroy a good man’s life by coming between him and the things he loved the most: his family and the school he had helped to build. Those who resented their relationship in the first place were not likely to treat the scandal of impregnating a faculty member lightly.

  It did not take any great leap in logic to see how keeping this baby a secret truly was in Johnny’s best interest.

  Annie told herself that she was not being selfish, that in all actuality her intentions were noble.

  Assuming a sophisticated mantle that fit her as well as a tent, she told him, “Just because you may have changed your mind doesn’t mean I have. Summer’s almost over, and it’s time to admit that this little fling has run its course. It’s been fun, but now it’s time for both of us to move on with our lives.”

  Johnny would have like nothing better than to stuff a rag in her mouth to keep any more such insipid remarks from tumbling out. They belittled the depth of his feelings and fed a rage burning inside of him that threatened to explode into a conflagration so intense that nothing would be left standing in its wake. Swearing, he jumped to his feet. In battle, rage had served him well. He was afraid it could be just as destructive in love. He had never laid hands on a woman before, but right now he was tempted to shake the truth out of this one. Johnny avoided that temptation by shoving his hands deep in his jean pockets.

  “You don’t mean that,” he challenged, towering over her.

  “I do,” she shot back. A little too quickly.

  “What if I told you that I’m in a position to offer you a full-time position at Dream Catchers as a counselor and I’d really like you to stay on permanently?”

  Surprise flashed across her face, and he rushed on before she could stop him.

  “We could work out the details later. If you think full-time counseling would be too draining, maybe you would accept a part-time position and fill the rest of your day teaching stained-glass classes. You might even consider helping me part-time with grant writing. It’s vitally important to our school, but I hate the paperwork. I have a feeling it wouldn’t take you half the time it takes me to dot all the is and cross all the ts. You told me once that you had some background in that.”

  Or if you don’t want to work outside the home at all, you could just be my wife….

  Though Johnny’s heart cried out to be heard, he could not bring himself to say the words aloud. Not when he’d just stumbled over his bags, packed and ready to go, waiting for him in the entryway. Not when Annie looked as if she was going to catch the very first plane back to St. Louis if he pressured her too hard. Not when the possibility of her rejecting him outright would be devastating.

  If he could just get her to consider the possibility of staying here on the reservation doing meaningful work with him, the next step would be to work on a commitment to their personal relationship. He remembered advising her at the powwow to take things one step at a time. Surely overstepping Annie’s comfort zone right now would be disastrous. Johnny was suddenly glad that he hadn’t actually paid the small fortune the jeweler had quoted him on a particular wedding ring. Were that velvet box in his pocket right now, he would not have been able to refrain from pulling it out and presenting it to her on the spot. Such impetuousness on his part might well send her running scared, right back into that family photo that was sitting on top of the china cabinet.

  Johnny felt her father’s eyes following him as he paced the room.

  Which was more courtesy than Annie paid him. She still refused to make direct eye contact with him. However, the look of disbelief on her face was unmistakable. That she was appalled at the thought of a permanent relationship with him hurt Johnny deeply. Apparently, Ester had been right all along. Hadn’t she repeatedly warned him that so-called do-gooders often proved to be the most treacherous trespassers of all?

  Maybe Annie had been willing to devote her summer to him as nothing more than an act of charity. Maybe living with him had been an experiment in cultural diversity that she planned on incorporating into a dissertation someday. Maybe her idea of “saving the Indian nation” didn’t include actually marrying into it.

  The bones in Johnny’s body suddenly felt as brittle as the wishbones his grandmother used to leave out in the sun to dry in her little kitchen window. Like a wishbone, he felt himself being pulled apart by forces beyond his control. When at last Annie turned her eyes and he spied pity in their blue depths, he could hear his heart breaking in two.

  “I appreciate the offer, honestly I do. It’s just that it’s too late for me to change the plans I’ve already made,” she offered weakly.

  “What plans?” Johnny asked.

  His voice sounded disembodied and far away.

  As a single mother to be, Annie had no idea. Though she spoke casually of her plans, nine months was a relatively short time to get her life in order. She feared that a full-time counseling position would leave her little patience and energy for her own child at the end of a long day. Less stressful alternatives didn’t pay as well, and since raising children was not an inexpensive proposition she doubted she could afford to take less. Before beginning her trek to Wyoming, her parents had assured her that their front door was always open, but Annie had no intention of burdening them with the responsibility of taking care of a grandchild. Fiercely independent, she hated the thought of needing anybody’s help.

  In truth, what Johnny was offering was perfect in every way but one. It did not allow for the fact that she was pregnant with his child. If she took him up on his offer, it wouldn’t be long before her secret began to show. From the contemptuous look with which Johnny was regarding her, she couldn’t imagine he would welcome the news that she was going to be the mother of his child.

  Recalling her own experience in such matters, Annie bit her tongue to keep from blurting out the truth. If Johnny were to react like the immature jackass she had dated in high school, spurning her and trashing her name in the community, she could probably survive it emotionally. What she was worried about was the long-term effects that would have upon a child. The thought of her baby being referred to as a half-breed bastard was reason enough to keep the truth to herself.

  There was always the possibility that Johnny might still want her—but not their
child. He’d given her no indication to believe that he was ready to give up an independent lifestyle for nightly feedings and diaper changes. Abortion was not an option that Annie chose to entertain. The thought of Johnny even suggesting it was more than she could bear.

  What was the use of going over all the options in her head one more time? The best she could hope for was a forced proposal of marriage; the worst, a nasty custody battle.

  Annie certainly did not want to enter into marriage just because Johnny might feel it his duty. Not only would it be painfully humiliating for her, it could well destroy him in the process, and ultimately end up hurting the very person the marriage was intended to save: their child. Annie was under the belief that no child should grow up in a loveless home. She could not afford to allow herself to be sucked into the kind of delusional thinking that led people to believe a wedding ring had the power to make everything all right. If that meant stepping around Johnny’s generous offer the way she would avoid a pile of manure in the middle of her path, then so be it.

  Annie assumed a regal bearing.

  “My plans are my business, thank you very much.”

  Johnny had crept through mine fields that caused less damage than Annie’s callous attitude. What was losing a leg to a man compared with having his heart explode in his chest? Grabbing her by the elbows, he pulled her to her feet.

  “Meaning your only plan is to get rid of me as soon as possible. Period. End of discussion.”

  “Why can’t you just let it go? I didn’t want it to end like this,” Annie cried out, squeezing her eyes shut against the pain she saw reflected upon his angular features.

  Disgusted, Johnny let her go. Like a rag doll, Annie fell back into the chair, sobbing and protectively clutching her stomach.

  “I’d never hurt you,” he told her scornfully, insulted that she could even think him capable of striking her. “Not like you’ve deliberately hurt me.”

  Annie knew how much the admission cost him. Such a proud, strong man did not acknowledge his weakness easily. She longed to call out to him, to hold out her arms and offer him the comfort of her embrace, to tell him everything, to apologize for putting them both though hell.