by Amanda Heath
I hate how much I miss her.
“You know, if you want to talk, then you have to speak. I know you. There’s always something you want to say.” She uncrosses her arms and I feel it straight to my groin because her nipples are hard. They strain against her dress and I want to pull the fabric down and suck one of the pink pretties into my mouth.
I shrug again. She wouldn’t talk to me a year ago, wouldn’t explain why she left. There’s no reason why I should talk to her now. I want to torture her for some reason. The thing about that though is I’m torturing myself just by being in her presence.
The tension pings against the walls around us. It’s in the air and you can actually feel it, it’s pulling us together. It has always bound us together. What we felt for each other was more than love. We are and will always be soul mates. She and I are one and it kills me inside. When I just needed her to love me, talk to me, she couldn’t do it. I don’t trust her and I hate her while I’m more in love with her than I’ve ever been before.
It’s probably all the alcohol or maybe it’s just her, but I cross the hallway and I get in her space. I look down to watch her clench her fists against the wall. We don’t touch but our eyes lock and this feels all too familiar.
Her hands come up and land on my chest. It’s like an electrical cord shocked me. I almost groan. I haven’t felt a woman’s touch in a year. I haven’t even tried to feel anyone but her since the day I met her. When she lifts up on her toes I know what she’s going to do. Her lips touch mine and chill bumps break out all over my body. My dick immediately stands at attention.
I don’t kiss her back though. I just stand there. I want to hear her say it. I know she wants me, she knows I want her. We’ve done this so many times, played this game with each other. This time is different though. This is the last time. “Kiss me,” she whispers and I finally do. Sinking my tongue into her warm mouth I slam her into the wall, meshing our lips together.
My hands reach down to pull her dress up around her hips. Her hands go right for my pants. The button comes undone then the zipper comes down. Her panties get pushed down. She steps out of them and I drop to the floor on my haunches. My hand moves her right leg over my shoulder so I can shove my face into her. I use my other hand to grab her panties off the floor. They get shoved into my pocket while my tongue plays around her clit. I missed this and how much she loves it. Her hands sink into my hair and I do groan. It’s the little things you miss when you can’t be with the one you love.
For a girl who’s so prudish outside of bed, you’d think she’d notice we are doing this in a public place where anyone could walk out and see us. I didn’t even lock the door that opens into the hallway.
I shove my tongue into her slick channel and that’s all it takes, she’s shooting off like a rocket. She grinds her sex into my face, muffling her moans with her other hand. I want to laugh and tell her she’s not helping but I don’t. We aren’t going to be playful. This is strictly to scratch an itch. One I’ve had for a year and she’s the only one with nails long enough to reach.
I stand up and stare down at her. Her face is flushed and she’s panting. Her hand reaches for my junk and she shoves my pants down around my thighs. My dick reaches out towards her and we both look down at it. Then we both move at once. She wraps her arms around my neck and my hands slide down to her ass so I can hold her against me.
I’m not gentle. I don’t think I’ve ever been gentle when it comes to Paisley. I shove into her, hard. We both groan and I can’t believe how tight she is. It’s like sticking my dick into a virgin. Which means she hasn’t had sex in a really long time. Probably not since we had sex last.
She grinds while I thrust, our mouths fused together. I make her taste herself and that seems to make her grind harder. God that feels so fucking good. We don’t speak as I fuck her into the wall.
Then I do something I never thought I would do again. I place my forehead on hers and stare into her eyes. It isn’t long before I feel her inner walls clutching against my dick. The tingle starts in my lower back and before long it’s so good, I see nothing but white light.
When I come back down she’s still wrapped around me. Her hand sinks in and out of my hair. I find my mouth against her neck and I’m pissed at myself for that. There was only one time I lost control of myself and I bit her too hard. That night we fucked on her car. The first time we ever had sex and she ran from me like the hounds of hell were at her heels.
I felt like a freak then. I felt so low; like I’d done something to her that she didn’t want. I don’t think she realized that, not even after it happened. That she hurt me more in that moment then she ever has since. Not even when she left me last year. And that says something.
This time though it’s my turn to run. I set her down gently before tucking my dick back into my pants. At least this time she didn’t pop all the buttons off my shirt. Before I can turn and run, she grabs my hand. I look back at her and she says the one thing I’d never thought I’d hear her say. Not after she broke my heart. “Come home with me.”
I start to open my mouth to tell her to fuck off but she stops me. “Just for tonight.” She pulls me along until we get to the back of the building. She leads me through the door and then quickly over to her Camaro.
I find myself in the driver’s seat while she takes the passenger. She always hated someone driving her car and I only got to drive it on special occasions. I don’t think about that right now though. I just drive it to her house. Or the guesthouse behind her grandparent’s house. I see Brody’s SUV in the main driveway. He must have left the reception early. Lola’s having a baby soon and they have her on bed rest. Poor girl. This is their third child. Here’s hoping they don’t have anymore after this.
Paisley gets out and walks towards the guesthouse. It hasn’t changed any since we lived in it together. Henry, I think, always kept it the same in case Paisley ever wanted to come home. I guess he had a point there considering she did come home.
Only problem is she left me behind.
I get out of the car and Paisley rounds the vehicle only to grab my hand and pull towards the house. Once we enter the living room she opens her mouth to speak but I stop her with my hand. “No talking. That isn’t what this is.” Then I pick her up and carry her into the bedroom.
***
“Stay,” she says.
I debate it in my head for a few minutes. Last night shouldn’t have happened. That’s what she does to me, makes me forget all the shit that happened between us. I know we’ll always be drawn together, that’s what happens when you love someone with all your heart. No matter what she’s done to me, I know she loved me once, with all her heart.
Images fly through my head of last night. Her riding me hard, her head thrown back, her breasts bouncing right in my face. Her red hair in my hands while she stared into my eyes when she came. The heat of her mouth wrapped around my dick and the sound of her moans while I fucked her into the bed.
Then I get a different set of images. The look on Margret’s face when she brought me the letter. The shape of the church after my breakdown. The total destruction of my life. Sad faces standing over me, Wesley in tears because she can’t handle it when anyone is sad. Lily smoothing her hand over my face, calming me down.
I yank my hand away from Paisley, hard. I start grabbing up my clothes, pulling them on without looking at her. I know what she’ll see. The same look on my face from a year ago. I know it makes me a fucked up individual that I like that. I want to hurt her. I want her in pain, to feel what I felt. Rejection is a disease inside of me and I won’t rest until she’s got the same thing.
“Channing…” She trails off but I still don’t look at her. If I look at her I’ll stay and I don’t need that. I shouldn’t have let last night happen. I know better. Her magic vagina, the absolute beauty of her actually, it’s all a trap designed to make you stay.
“Make me, Channing. Make me fall. Push me, shove me, just make sure I get
there.” Those words she spoke to me so long ago, they still stay with me. But I’m no longer that guy; I won’t make her do anything.
And she sure as fuck won’t make me do anything.
I finally get all my clothes on and I storm out of the house. Though I come up short when I find a huge German Shepard standing in my way.
Maggie.
She sits on her butt with her tongue hanging out. She gives me a bark in greeting and I scratch behind her ears. I wish I had time to love on her. This dog has been a part of my life for so long, it’s been weird not having her around the past year. I missed the shit out of her.
I walk around her and head towards Richard’s house. Hoping with all my might that Margret isn’t standing at the kitchen sink watching me leave Paisley’s house. I don’t really care anyway. It’ll just be awkward when I refuse to talk about it or acknowledge that it even happened.
When my phone starts ringing I groan. I look down at the screen and let out a breath of relief. It’s only Pierce. I swipe the screen to answer and put it up to my ear. “What’s up?”
“I’m going over to Van’s today. You want to head over there with me later?” I hear a pan slam down in the background. Must be cooking something.
I’m not surprised when my stomach growls. I hardly ate anything yesterday and after all the sex, I’m sure I’ve worked up an appetite.
“Yeah I want to go. Can I call you back though? I’m kind of trekking through the woods right now.” I hear my slacks rip on a branch and let out a curse. The path has gotten overgrown since I no longer travel it every day.
There’s a pause on the phone and I wonder what he’s thinking. “Why are you trekking through the woods? And what woods would this be?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it. Like ever,” I grumble, swatting limbs out of my way. Maggie barks behind me but I ignore her.
“So you’re going to tell me you’re trekking through the woods at an early hour and that you don’t want to talk about it. Now in my head, I’m seeing you trek through the woods behind your stepdad’s house. The dog barking has to be Maggie; I’d know that sound anywhere. Which means you’re leaving Margret’s house.” I hear the pan slam again and then something beeps. “I can’t believe I’m going to ask this because I can’t be right.” He takes a deep breath and lets it out. “Did you fuck Paisley last night?”
“I said I didn’t want to talk about it. What part of that didn’t you understand?” I hate him and I love him. I’ve felt this way about him most of my life. Always getting into my business yet staying a good distance because he knows I need it. Fucking asshole.
He laughs in my ear and I find myself sneering. “Look, I’m not going to lie, I think you’re a fucking idiot. But a couple of days ago, I was a pretty big idiot and now my wife will barely speak to me. And it’s not because it’s my fault, no it’s because she thinks everything is her fault. I’m not going to judge you, lil bro. I’m just simply concerned about your well being.”
I sigh and make my way out of the woods to face Richard’s house. The house where my mother died, the house where I was raised. The house holds all my best and worst memories of my childhood. Luckily I only see the good stuff. I know my mom can’t hurt me anymore. “I’m fine. If you really want to know, I think she’s way more upset than I am. I kind of acted like a dick this morning.”
“What else is new? You’re always acting like a dick.” He covers the phone with something and his next words are muffled. I can only assume he is saying something to Asher. “Did you leave without giving her a happy ending? That sounds like something you would do,” he asks when he uncovers the phone.
I sit down on the front steps and hold the phone to my ear while I look down at myself. My clothes are wrinkled and a sniff of my pits confirms I need a long, hot-ass shower. “I gave her plenty of happy endings. But that’s besides the point. I just left without talking to her once. I probably made her feel cheap, which I can’t bring myself to care about.”
“Well, she did leave you at the altar. I think you making her feel like a whore is a good payback. It’s not like you actually paid her.” He chuckles and covers the phone again.
“Why do you keep doing that?” I ask when he comes back on.
“Asher is eating breakfast and he keeps asking me what I’m talking about. I told him a whore is a bad woman with no morals. He wanted to know if I was talking to Aunt Wesley or Aunt Paisley.” He chuckles again.
“That’s fucked up dude.” I scrub a hand over my face trying to clear some of the hangover. Unfortunately it doesn’t work.
“I made sure to tell him neither Wes or Paisley are whores. He’s five years old, he doesn’t understand anything I say to him.”
I shake my head. “I’m going to head into Richard’s and get a ride home. I’ll see you later.”
Regret. It’s a force inside of me I don’t want. I hate the way it makes me feel. I want to go back so badly and hold onto Paisley like the world is about to end. But then again I don’t want anything to do with her.
The door opens behind me and I turn to see Diana. She married Richard about three years ago. She’s got a kid herself but he’s seven and doesn’t like me very much. It’s probably because I don’t come around enough for him to get to know me.
“I thought you might like some of this.” She hands me a pink coffee cup with a skull and crossbones on the front. “Sorry about the cup, Richard doesn’t drink coffee so all my cups are girly.” She nudges me in the shoulder and laughs.
I sip at the drink staring off into space. “I’m sorry I don’t come to see Richard much. I think life has gotten away from me the past year.”
“Broken hearts will do that to you.” She brings her cup up to her lips and looks at me out of the corner of her eye. “Richard isn’t here this weekend. He had to fly out to New York for some business. He’ll be back Sunday evening, if you want to come to dinner.”
I nod. I liked Diana the moment I met her. She didn’t force herself into my space like some of Richard’s girlfriends. She kept her distance until I was ready to let her in.
“You might want to look into getting some cover up. I don’t know how you’re going to explain all those love bites to Richard or Margret. If they find out it was Paisley, they might get their hopes up.” She reaches over and slides her hand gently against my back. It’s soft and comforting.
I shake my head. “I don’t care if they know it was Paisley. They have no reason to get their hopes up. I made it pretty clear to her I wasn’t interested in getting back together. I was just scratching an itch.”
She laughs and I have to look at her with both eyebrows raised. “You are funny. Channing, you and that girl will get back together. It might not be today and it might not be in three months. But I know it will happen.”
“How do you know that, oh wise one.”
She looks into my eyes, her way of saying you better listen to what I’m saying or I’ll beat you up. “Because neither of you moved on in the past year. She hasn’t looked at another man since the day she met you. I know I wasn’t here then, but I’ve heard the stories from Margret and Richard. Not to mention Henry, who had a front row seat to it all.”
I sigh and shake my head. “That’s not proof.”
“Oh dear boy. It’s all the proof you need. Neither of you will ever be happy without the other. You can’t even bring yourself to sleep with anyone else, not even for one night. You don’t need all the time in the world to understand that.” She pats my back and stands up. “Besides, she only stayed away because she saw what you did to that church. She couldn’t bring herself to hurt you any more than she already had. But where your destruction was on the outside, hers was just as bad on the inside.”
I don’t know what to do with that information. It doesn’t excuse the fact she humiliated me in front of both our families. She could have talked to me beforehand, and she didn’t because she was scared. That I don’t understand at all. Why would she be afrai
d to talk to me about it? I would never hurt her and I wouldn’t leave her just because she didn’t want to get married. I thought she wanted it, that’s why it was happening. Yet I was left to pick up the pieces.
Maybe I’m just meant to be miserable for the rest of my life.
Rachel
I stare down at the little stick. I can’t seem to look away or blink. One little plus sign and my entire life gets turned around. I can no longer drink any alcohol or take a puff off of one of Channing’s joints. Not that he smokes much but sometimes he needs to actually sleep and he doesn’t like sleeping pills.
Seriously, don’t tell anyone I told you that.
At least this time around I don’t have to worry about telling my parents because I was a dumb teenager and had sex before I was married. Though I’m not really in a strong relationship right now because I’m a fucking idiot.
Asher will be happy. He’s been asking for a little brother for months now. Court and I have been trying to have another kid for years but it never seemed the right time. His school was in the way or he was always traveling. I think I forgot to take my birth control during the weeks I was living in a fog of my own despair.
Hell, it took me a month to realize I hadn’t had a period. I mean, who doesn’t pay attention to that? How clueless am I? It makes me wonder what else I’ve overlooked because I couldn’t live with what I’d done. This poor baby is going to be brought into a world where their Daddy doesn’t love their Mommy.
I reach for my phone on the bathroom counter. It sits next to the pregnancy test. I want to call Court and tell him but I’m afraid he will be upset about it. I mean, what if he wants a divorce after everything that’s happened? I know he’s been generally nice to me since it all happened, but Court is a great guy. Besides, we have to put on a front for Asher.
