Confessions in the Dark

by Jeanette Grey

  He was on the boys in a second. He didn’t even hear the words hurtling out of his mouth. He shoved the closest boy aside, slapped away the hand of another, and then he had the jacket of the ringleader in his hand. He hauled him up bodily, until his feet didn’t even touch the ground. He got right in his face, shouting, spit flying.

  “How dare you. You...you...” Words failed him, his throat seizing up. Cole’s hands were clenching, the entire world was red, and he couldn’t. He couldn’t.

  He wasn’t that man. He wasn’t that scared, lost, beaten-down little boy.

  Not anymore.

  From behind him, the softest, sweetest voice rang out. “Cole?”

  He didn’t even need to turn around to feel Serena’s presence wash over him. Soothing him and quieting him until he could think again.

  A crimson tide still rushed through his veins, but all at once the world swept back into focus. The boy in his hands was shaking, his eyes wide, and he’d dropped his backpack on the ground when Cole had grabbed him.

  His bright. Green. Backpack.

  Cole’s gaze snapped to the kid’s face, and his blood flashed cold. Fuck.

  This kid. This child. He was the boy who’d gotten mugged on the train all those weeks ago, the one Cole had empathized with, the one he’d run down thieves for, the one he’d nearly broken himself and ruined his life for. Standing on the platform, alone, the boy had done everything he could to make himself seem small, to seem less like prey.

  And here. In this alley. He’d stood over Max as if he were the prey.

  Cole’s hand released before he’d even processed it. The boy fell, barely catching himself, and the rest of his crew flinched back.

  Blood rushed into Cole’s fingers, but his head still spun. This boy was him. Being taken advantage of one day and turning into a monster the next. That was what the world did to people—it was what Cole had always said whenever people asked him why he never wanted children. Why he was always so angry all the time.

  But then, out of the corner of his eye, Cole spied Serena. He spied Max.

  The world was cruel, and it made people hard.

  But you didn’t have to let it.

  Taking a step back, Cole held out his arm. Max rushed into him, his entire body trembling, and the rage inside Cole wasn’t leaving him, but it wasn’t the same as the one he’d let control him in the past. The three bullies were in various states of pissing themselves there on the asphalt of the alley.

  Cole let his nostrils flare as he addressed them. “If you ever come near him again, I will find you. I’ve seen your faces. He ends up with a bruise, he gets a single bloody paper cut, and I will track you down. Do you understand?”

  Three heads, mouths all agape, nodded dumbly at him.

  A foreign calm stole over him, like the flow of a stream, like the soft magic of Serena’s hands. His shoulders dropped a fraction of an inch. “It doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to do this.”

  Cole never thought he had a choice in the matter, but maybe he did. Maybe they all did.

  They could choose to be better.

  For a long minute, the boys stared at him in mute silence, but there was nothing more he could do for them. He flicked a hand toward the end of the alley. “What are you waiting for, then? Go.”

  They scattered in a flurry, the ringleader casting Cole one last, conflicted glance before he grabbed his sack and ran. Standing strong, Cole watched them as they went. Boys as scared as he or Max had ever been. Tyrants and cowards, and they’d just needed to be stood up to.

  And Max. He’d needed someone to protect him.

  Finally, they disappeared around the corner, and the fight drained out of Cole all at once. He forced out a breath that was like his lungs collapsing, and his knee wobbled beneath him. With the trio out of sight, Max buried his face in Cole’s chest, wrapping his arms around his waist and letting out a sob.

  Cole tugged him in close, just as tight as he could.

  As he did, he twisted around. And sure enough, a half-dozen feet away stood an angel. The woman who had tamed his beast and brought him back to sanity. Back to himself. She’d shown him that he could rise above what the world had tried to make of him.

  And he loved her. God, but he did.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Okay, who wants the last slice of pepperoni?” Serena’s mom held it up on offer, glancing around the table.

  Max’s hand shot up, but Serena batted it down. “Finish what’s on your plate,” she insisted.

  He pouted. “But pepperoni.”

  A deep, gruff voice said, “I’ll take it.”

  Serena’s chest filled with butterflies as Cole reached past her to accept the slice. Setting it on his plate, he caught Max’s eye. “I’ll split it with you once you’re done.”

  As if the hero worship could get any worse. Now he was bribing the kid with food, too.

  Not that Serena was complaining. On the one side of her, Max tore back into what was left of his current slice with gusto, while on the other, Cole settled into his corner of the couch, his thigh brushing against hers, his whole side one long line of heat searing into her.

  Part of her still thought it was a dream.

  By the time her mother had finally gotten home earlier, Serena had been frantic, convinced down to her bones that the worst had happened. She’d torn out onto the street. Surely Cole would’ve already checked the most obvious paths, so she’d cut between buildings, searching everywhere she could think.

  Sheer luck alone had led her to the alleyway.

  To Cole, standing over a group of boys who looked like they’d seen ghosts. Serena had felt like she was seeing one, too. Over and over, Cole had warned her about his temper, but she’d never seen it—not really. His eyes had been wild, his teeth practically bared, but he hadn’t scared her. He hadn’t been out of control.

  He’d been protecting the thing that meant the most to her in this entire world. He’d been furious, yes, but he’d been beautiful in his fury. She wasn’t sure she’d ever loved him more.

  The next little stretch had been a blur. Max practically had to be pried off Cole’s legs, but eventually Serena had managed to coax him into letting her look him over. He’d had a bloody nose and bit of a shiner, and he was shaken up as hell. But he’d been okay.

  He was here. Wearing the sports goggles he usually reserved for baseball practice, sure, but here. Safe. Surrounded by family. Serena and her mom and even Penny had managed to convince her new boss to let her out a little early for a family emergency.

  And Cole.

  Cole, who her mom had kissed on the face when he’d escorted Max home. Cole who’d acceded to her mom’s insistence that he stay for dinner as a thank-you, barely even bothering to protest. Who’d chosen to sit next to Serena all night long, letting his presence tie her up in the most intricate of knots.

  Cole who’d rejected her and told her to stay away.

  She tried to take another bite of her pizza, but she couldn’t seem to get it down. Giving up, she set her plate on the ground and sat back. Shifted herself a little farther over on the cushion so she and Cole didn’t touch. Not until she knew what all this meant.

  Fortunately or unfortunately, dinner wound down pretty soon after that. Max nearly fell asleep in his last half-slice of pepperoni, and Serena’s mom sighed as she started to clear the plates.

  But before she made it quite all the way out the door, she stopped. She walked right up to Cole and took his face in both her hands.

  “Thank you for taking care of my grandson.”

  Visibly flustered, Cole swallowed. “Of course.”

  Without letting go of him, her mom slid her gaze across the room. “Now you take care of my daughter, too, you hear?”

  “Loud and clear.”

  Serena’s mom gave Serena a meaningful nod, and God, she wasn’t even subtle when she darted her eyes pointedly from Cole to her and back again.

  Serena’s face felt tomato red.
“Good night, Mother.”

  “Good night, dear.”

  Serena followed them all to the door. As soon as it was closed behind them, she dropped her brow to press against the wood. “I am so sorry about them.”

  “Don’t be,” Cole said, voice rough. “They love you.”

  “Yeah. They do.”

  A hot awareness that this was the first time they’d been alone together in a room in weeks settled over her. Her blood felt too warm, and it was shame and it was want and it was love, and she didn’t know how it all fit anymore.

  She didn’t know why he was here.

  Drawing in a deep, fortifying breath, she lifted her head, staring forward at the door. “Thank you. For your help with Max.”

  “I was glad I could help.”

  She’d had a lot of time in these past few weeks to think. Their relationship had ended so suddenly, and there were things she’d never had the chance to say—things that now she never would.

  But there were some things he should hear. “You were just...” And she didn’t want to face him, but she couldn’t say this with her back to him. Hugging her arms across her chest, she turned, gaze averted, trying to stifle the shiver that ran up her spine. Trying to tamp down on the feelings that wanted so badly to break free. “You were amazing today.”

  The last time she’d asked for help, he’d been reluctant at best, and he’d torn himself away at the faintest hint of his temper getting the best of him. Today, though...

  Today, he’d been a hero.

  He started to speak, but she shook her head. She had to get this out. “I don’t know what I would have done without you. I was panicking, and you were right there. You knew exactly what to do.” Forget that being held inside his arms had wrecked her. The stark reminder of what she’d had and what he’d taken away had left her raw, at the same time that the warmth of his embrace—the press of his lips against her brow—had filled the hole inside her, at least for a moment. “You totally took command of the situation, and I’m just so grateful.”

  And then when he found Max, the way he’d handled it...She’d only arrived to see the tail end of the confrontation, but he’d been so powerful and yet so tightly controlled.

  “I know—” Her throat threatened to close around the words, and crap, damn, she hated the way her eyes welled up. “I know you worry about losing it or being, I don’t know, dangerous or something. But you were angry today, and you handled it. I didn’t see a...a monster or whatever it is you think you are. I saw a man protecting a kid, and it—”

  It made her fall in love with him all over again.

  Mistiness made the floor before her blur, and she lifted her head, looking at the ceiling in a vain effort to keep the tears at bay.

  “It was amazing, okay?” What more could she say?

  Dull footfalls echoed across the space, and then he was there, barely a foot in front of her. Warm hands settled on her shoulders, just like they had in front of his apartment when she’d gone to him for help, and it felt too good. Too safe. She should have stepped away from the door or something, because there was nowhere to run, no way around him.

  There was only him, right in her vision, fuzzy for the tears but so achingly beautiful she couldn’t breathe.

  “Serena.” His accent rolled over her, and she shuddered.

  He didn’t need her. He’d told her that. He’d been completely clear.

  She spoke right over him, her voice rising higher and higher, nervous babbling she didn’t know how to stop. “So thank you. You didn’t have to do any of it, or stay for pizza, even if my mom did rope you into it—”

  “Serena.” The way he said her name was hot and commanding, and it pulled her out of her spiral. She blinked, bringing him into focus, and he was so close. He smelled so good.

  “Serena. Darling,” he said, and something in his voice cracked. “Of course I had to help. You have to know. You must.”

  She didn’t know anything. She shook her head. “I—”

  “It was for you. For you and for Max, but I would...I would do anything for you.”

  It was a flailing, plummeting sensation inside her chest. “But last time...”

  “Last time I was a coward and a fool. Serena.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, those piercing eyes slicing straight through to the heart of her. “I thought I’d been through hell before, and I had, but these last few weeks without you have been a new level. When I”—his jaw flexed, his grip tightening—“lost Helen, I blamed myself. Maybe it was my fault and maybe it wasn’t. But what I did to you...that was all me. It was a mistake.”

  Her head spun. “Then why? You never even tried, never came to apologize, or—”

  “I’m apologizing now. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.” Eyes bright, movements stiff, he slid his hands down her arms until he grasped her by the hands. Ever so slowly, he lowered himself until he was kneeling before her, and the breath was knocked out of her lungs.

  “Your knee—”

  “It’s fine.” He was lying at least a little bit; the lines on his face told her that much. “It doesn’t hurt half as much as it hurt to lose you. Being without you, it was like losing both legs. I can’t. I...I need you, Serena.”

  She shook her head, the knife in her heart twisting. She fought to tug her hands free, but he held on. “You don’t.” Her gaze dropped unconsciously to his knee. “You said.”

  Her mother’s words came back to her. Doing things for people didn’t make them love you. Debt and obligation weren’t a part of love, and she deserved better than anyone who could be bought so easily. She deserved someone who adored her for who she was.

  And it would kill her, because she loved him so much. But if he couldn’t give her that...

  She wasn’t settling for less than everything.

  Squeezing her fingers tighter, he stared at her with pleading eyes. “I know what I said, and it was the truest truth and the darkest lie.” A fire possessed him, deepening his tone and melting her from the inside, against her will. “There is not a thing on this earth that I need from you. Nothing you can do for me that I couldn’t do for myself.” His gaze shone, and it cracked her heart right through. “I need you. I want you.”

  It was exactly what she’d always been waiting to hear. She blinked hard, but it did nothing to stem the wetness seeping from the corners of her eyes. “What about the next time you think you’re going to snap at me or at Max or...”

  “Do you know what happened to me today, when I found him?”

  She shook her head, her tongue refusing to form words.

  “I was terrified. I thought I was going to lose it again, but everything was different. It wasn’t like it’s ever been before. I heard your voice, and I had Max behind me, and it wasn’t this...this mindless rage. It was protectiveness.” Something in his mouth crumpled. “It was love.”

  The whole world around her froze to a halt.

  She’d wanted so badly to believe that he loved her. He’d shown her in enough tiny ways that he did, but when it counted...when she’d depended on him...

  “Please,” he said, and it was the edge to his tone that stopped her thoughts in their tracks. “It’s too much to ask you to forgive me or to take me back. I hurt you, when I promised I never would. I can tell you that I thought it was to protect you, but I can’t even promise you that. I was scared. You terrify me. You open me up in all these ways I never thought I’d ever open myself up again. If I ever lost you...I couldn’t...Not again.”

  And so he’d pushed her away.

  It took every scrap of her willpower to stay still. To not drop straight to her knees and welcome him back in again.

  Rubbing his thumbs across the backs of her palms, he lowered his head to kiss each one in turn. When he lifted his gaze to return it to hers, the depths of the vulnerability there squeezed her heart.

  So many times he’d lowered his walls to give her pieces of his tragedy. But never before had she felt like he was giving her pieces of himself.


  “I’ve been so lost without you. I didn’t know what to do. But I’ve been trying so hard to be worthy of you. I went back and begged for my job, and they have me teaching bloody non-majors, but I don’t even care. I’m going to teach again, and it’s all because of you.”

  She finally found her tongue again. “But you don’t like teaching.”

  He’d told her that before, had said it wasn’t suited to his temperament. That his passion was for the research.

  “I know better now. After the way you talked about it. After working with Max and seeing him get it, I...I understand it now.” He grasped her hands even tighter. “I’m going to therapy, and it’s awful. You can’t even imagine. But it’s helping. I’m getting better. I want to get better.”

  This was more than she’d ever dared to dream. This man on his knees before her, telling her he wanted to change. And yet the parts of herself she’d ignored the last time around still hurt too much.

  “But what if we don’t want the same things?”

  All she’d ever wanted was to help people. To take care of the people she loved.

  And to have a family of her own.

  “I’ll give you anything that’s in my power to give you.”

  Dizziness had her spinning. “You don’t want children.”

  Pain cracked his mouth. But he didn’t fly off the handle, didn’t react with the harshness and the rage he might have when she’d brought up sensitive subjects before. Clenching his eyes shut, he dropped his head to rest his brow against their hands.

  “I’m willing to discuss it. I won’t rule it out.” He gazed up at her, and then, arm shaking, he let go of one of her hands. He pressed his open palm against her abdomen.

  She gasped aloud. “Cole...”

  It was too much.

  He met her gaze. “You’re the second woman to believe I could be a father. I was so pigheaded, so mistrustful of myself. But maybe...” He swallowed, licking his lips and searching her eyes. “Maybe I should trust you.”