Breathe Again

by Bonnie R. Paulson

“Okay, would you be willing to sign a retainer contract declaring me as your Realtor for the next six months or until we sell it? My percentage is six-and-a-half percent.”

  I nodded again.

  Dan slid another page from his binder to me. The white rectangle could have been concealed in his sleeve with the slick move he’d used to get it out on the table.

  I nearly laughed when I realized the “contract” was just a small paragraph asking for a commitment and stating I couldn’t sign up with another Realtor. The joke was on Dan, though. I didn’t know any other Realtors in the immediate area and I wanted to get this chore over with. I signed my name and passed it back.

  “Okay, well, that’s all I needed. I’ll post it as soon as I get in the office. Will you be here this afternoon when they come to stake the sign?” He stood to leave.

  “I’m not sure. Do I need to be?” I too stood and we walked toward the front door.

  “I’ll call first and bring the camera then. Do the pictures and other fun stuff at the same time.”

  We shook hands and he disappeared out the door. Rather than watch him drive away, I closed the door and rested my head on the cool panel just under the peephole. What are you doing, Maggie? I sighed, too exhausted to answer myself.

  Maybe I’d check on Ryan. Hopefully he didn’t get admitted to the hospital for the night. If I checked on him, maybe I’d get to talk to Brodan…

  After two rings, Ryan’s voice, although thready, came across the line. “Hello?”

  Surprise and relief combined to raise my voice a bit octave, “Ryan! You’re home. That’s great. Brodan left in such a hurry last night to get you, I thought for sure you were a goner!” My laughter faded away into awkward silence.

  He didn’t reply.

  I instantly regretted the reference to dying. Crap. My tact was disintegrating into nothingness. “Ryan, are you there? I’m sorry. That was coarse of me. Are you all right? Can I do anything for you?”

  “No. It’s fine. Nothing’s wrong. I just had to go back again. But then you probably know that. You probably know everything about me. Right?” The last word cracked with accusation.

  My jaw slackened. I had nothing.

  “Well, I better go. Have a great day, Mag.” The phone clicked in my ear and I pulled the piece away from my head to look at it. What the heck?

  The conversation with Ryan had been off. Something had bitten him and he’d taken it out on me. A move I was more than familiar with. My words had been used as projectiles more times than I cared to admit.

  With nothing else to do but wait around for the afternoon to arrive, I grabbed my keys, throwing my hair into a ponytail while running out the door to my car. No need to scare the crud out of him with tangled knots and a Medusa style from the eighties.

  Driving the van always calmed me down and helped me gain perspective. Ryan had probably gotten the same amount of sleep I’d had, which meant we would end up crying all over each other or something with emotional exhaustion. I’d get the answer from him one way or the other.

  I drove up the drive of Brodan’s magnificent home, the grandeur not quite so overwhelming this time. Turning off the engine, I exited the quiet van. The air at the ranch rang with birds talking to each other, leaves rustling, someone whistling and soft neighing in the distance.

  Curious, another trait I guarantee attached itself to the color of my hair, I walked around the house toward the whistling. The old-fashioned tune recalled past days with my dad when we’d take hikes into the hills or go fishing early in the morning. A nagging sense of homesickness nipped at the edges of my heart. It’d been a while since I felt that way.

  The grass released its pungent scents with every step, my feet stirring little white bugs into the air. The time of day was early enough to avoid real heat but late enough to feel like summer.

  “Hyut. Whoa there, girl. It’s okay.”

  I turned the corner, breaking upon Brodan calming down a dark brown mare with a rope bridle fashioned around her head and neck. Lips furled, she tossed her head in a last attempt to escape his hold. His voice answered, low and crooning, while his hand slid up and down the sleek mahogany neck. Chills, not attributable to the shade’s coolness, skittered down my back. I caught my breath.

  Only in Montana could a moment between a man and his horse seem fluid, where they work together, calm each other. The horse responded to Brodan’s comforting. My breathing sped up and my heartbeat picked up speed. My reaction was on the opposite end of the spectrum.

  “What are you doing here?”

  I spun toward Ryan standing in the doorway of the patio. Guilt rammed a steel cord into my back, lifting me straight in my stance.

  “I, uh, that is, well…” I waved my hand, looking for a plausible reason why I skulked around the backyard after he had just hung up on me. I snapped my fingers and pointed in his direction. “Sorry, I forgot. I came over to check on you. You sounded upset when I called. When I got out of the van—” I turned toward Brodan who had stopped with the horse and stood with his foot on the lower rung of the fence, “—I heard something back here and I thought you might be outside and not able to hear my knock.” I held my breath, returning to face Ryan.

  Ryan, far enough away I’d had to talk loudly for him to hear, relaxed. Anger from his face slid away and he appeared mollified by my answer. I took a deep breath and stepped cautiously toward the deck, much like Brodan had treated his skittish horse. A man in a mood could be a mess. Handle with care.

  At the wooden edge, I smiled at him. He hadn’t moved and instead watched me with measured wariness. “Do you think I’m going to throw something at you? I should, you hung up on me.” I shoved my hands on my hips and acted mad.

  “Now, wait a minute.” He shook his head at me and closed the screen door behind him, walking a few feet to a lounge chair to sit down. “I’m not the one who left so abruptly yesterday.” He motioned toward Brodan too. “You continued the party with my brother only. Why not all of us?” Ryan’s lower lip pouted out a fraction. He looked like a kid at a birthday party left out of the fun.

  I choked back my amusement and closed the distance between us, taking a seat near him. “I’m sorry. Brodan and I had a disagreement and he came to talk it out. Nothing big.” I lowered my voice with concern. “How’re you feeling? Brodan left in a hurry last night to take you to the hospital. Did you have a relapse?”

  The fact that I hadn’t greeted Brodan on his own land hadn’t escaped me. While I waited for Ryan’s reply, I glanced out toward the paddock. Brodan led the horse from the fenced-in area and into the large barn. His hat’s brim shadowed his face.

  “I don’t know if you can call it a relapse, but yes, I had an attack and needed treatment. You probably see it all the time.”

  Something in his tone caught my attention. Ignoring the man in the building, dressed in jeans tight enough to whet my imagination, I looked at Ryan. The earlier pout twisted into an expression of bitterness.

  “See what all the time, Ryan? I take X-rays.” Confused, I studied him. What had I missed?

  He stared out toward the door where Brodan had disappeared. I realized I didn’t even care if Brodan showed up right then. I wanted to know what bothered Ryan so much.

  “What’s going on? Why are you so mad at me?” I hadn’t known him long, but it already seemed we’d been friends for years. I needed to help him, somehow.

  His jaw clenched and the hardening line resembled his brother’s. “I know you know. You have to.”

  “I really don’t, Ryan. I have no idea what the problem is. Tell me and then I will. Is it pneumonia?” I leaned into the cushioned chair, startled to find Brodan standing at the bottom of the steps listening to our conversation. “Hey, Brodan. Beautiful horse.”

  “Thanks.” He watched, waiting for Ryan to answer my plea.

  Doubt pasted across Ryan’s face as he turned to his brother. “She says she doesn’t know what’s wrong. Did you talk to her about it?”

&nb
sp; “I didn’t tell her anything, Ryan. You know I wouldn’t. Hell, she works at the hospital where your medical records are.”

  Both men acted like I wasn’t there.

  “What is going on?” I slammed my hands on the table and leaned over the surface. My gaze skipped between the brothers. My outburst hadn’t budged them from their staring contest. “Just so you know, I’m not allowed to view a patient’s records. I get the orders and just enough information to do my job. If I had access to your records, I most likely wouldn’t look at them anyway. I have too much to do when working, which doesn’t leave me enough time to poke my nose into other people’s business.”

  The admission did what my demand couldn’t. Two pairs of blue eyes focused on me. I stood, still unaware what knowledge they blamed me for having, not caring anymore.

  “Ryan’s sick. Really sick.” Brodan joined us at the table, procuring a chair across from me.

  My stomach flip-flopped, even as Ryan muttered to his brother, “Brodan. Come on. Leave me some dignity. Dang.”

  I broke in. “I don’t really care what you have.” Probably not the best thing to say…“I’m sorry, that’s more insensitive than I mean for it to be, but quite honestly, I want to be friends with you—with or without a sickness. I just want to hang out and have fun.”

  Ryan’s face registered shock while Brodan’s slid into a smile.

  “Really? You don’t care what I have?”

  “Really. It’s not going to kill us and I doubt it’s contagious, because when I came to take your radiographs you didn’t have contact restrictions, and I never got far enough into the exam or chart to get information. I don’t have energy to worry about that, is that okay? Does that sound rude?” As I resumed my seat, I was struck by the truth behind my words. I just wanted friends. I didn’t want to worry about the things I couldn’t change.

  I don’t think I could’ve been more selfish.

  Brodan and Ryan stared at me. I looked into the glass of the sliding doors to see if my reflection showed a second head or third arm. Uncomfortable with the silent inspection they subjected me to, I thrummed my fingers on the table. What? Did they want me to lie? I was getting too old to lie about things to pamper people’s sensitive sides.

  A handful of moments passed. The sounds of horses in the paddock, winds in the trees and birds far off enhanced by the quiet at the table convinced me the time had come to leave.

  I stood to go, unconcerned that I may appear to be running again. The whole scene had gone on long enough. To be quite frank, the brothers could shove their secrets into the nether portions of their anatomy. I had a house to sell and a husband to excise from my life. I needed to move on.

  “You don’t have to leave.” Ryan, petulant, continued to stare toward Brodan, speaking a brother code I couldn’t translate.

  “Really? Forgive my disbelief, but I think right now, that’s exactly what should happen.”

  Brodan broke the cord between him and Ryan. He looked at me and spoke in a quiet compelling tone, similar to the one he used on the mare. “No, Mag, you don’t have to leave.” He glanced at Ryan before returning his gaze to me. “Sit down. If you really aren’t aware of what Ryan’s dealing with, then that changes things and I owe you an apology…As does Ryan, I’m sure.” He patted the table before my seat.

  Ryan’s gaze had found a home in his lap. I looked at him, noticing, for the first time since I’d arrived, his extreme pallor and dark shadows over his cheekbones. A loose t-shirt magnified his thin frame and bandages covering the crook of his elbow and on the top of his hand evidenced part of his stay at the hospital.

  I sat. “Ryan, you look terrible. You sounded so upset on the phone. I only came over to make sure you were okay. That’s all.” I glanced in helpless plea toward Brodan.

  He shrugged and shook his head in the slightest way. “What’s on your agenda today, Maggie? Have anything fun planned? Ryan said you have two weeks off from work.”

  Distracted by the issues I encountered at their house, I’d been able to forget for a short time the items I had to deal with at my own home. I scowled but answered anyway. “I have to head home soon. There’s a Realtor coming to inventory the house and take pictures. I forgot to give him a key, so I should be there when he shows up so he can get inside.” I leaned back in my chair and contemplated the large yard.

  Ryan’s curious nature wouldn’t allow him to stay upset for long. “Why are you selling? Where are you moving?”

  I opened my mouth, then closed it when I realized I had no answer. Why am I selling? Where am I going to live? What am I doing? The painful truth—I had no idea what I was doing.

  The reality terrified me.

  Then I shrugged, pretending a nonchalance I didn’t feel. “I have no idea what’s going on. I’ve had enough of my house and the memories in its walls. I honestly just wanted out, so I called the Realtor this morning and he showed up so fast, I couldn’t rethink what I’d done.” I giggled, a bit on the delirious side. “Do you know, I have nowhere to live if I do sell?” I shrugged once more. “At the same time, I can’t imagine it will sell anytime soon. I have plenty of time to decide what I’m going to do. I just need to be free of that house.”

  Ryan stared at me.

  Brodan smiled. “I get why, but I’m sorry you feel you have to sell. It’s a nice house with a nice yard.”

  Our gazes clashed, bringing the memory of last night to the forefront. His attention lowered to my lips. Maybe, like me, he wondered what could have happened had the phone not interrupted our “dinner.”

  Ryan mumbled something and I turned to watch him leave the table. Disturbed by the change in attitude, I looked back at Brodan. “I don’t understand what’s wrong with him.” I held up my hand. “Not what he’s sick with, but his mood. Since I’ve known him, he’s been nothing but upbeat and friendly. What’s going on? Did he get bad news or something?”

  Brodan shook his head and looked at the door his brother had passed through. “It’s emasculating to be sick and weak all the time. We spoke last night and he does like you, but I’m afraid it’s a bit more complicated than that.”

  “Oh, no, Brodan. He doesn’t like me more than we discussed when you were over, does he?” I leaned my head in my hand, leaning on my elbow and studied his masculine features of angles and planes unhindered. For all he knew, I listened, intent upon his reply, not the shape of his lips or the length of his thick black lashes.

  “I’m not sure. He wasn’t able to speak much. I could tell he was mad at me for being at your house. So, I think it might be because he’d been left out.” He looked at me. “I meant it when I said I didn’t want to like you. I can’t help it. And it’s worse with his feelings about you. Whether serious or not, he might think he ‘found’ you first, and I refuse to encroach on anything that he thinks is important.”

  Unable to grasp the implications behind his statement, I fought for something I didn’t quite understand. “Ryan is a big boy, Brodan. He doesn’t need to be coddled. I can be friends with both of you at the same time, you—”

  “Exactly what I was thinking! We’ll keep it simple and all of us will just be friends. I can like you and you can like me. There’s no reason we need to alienate Ryan again.” He looked at the table. “Do you think we can do that? I don’t want to upset Ryan any more than possible.”

  “I, uh, I don’t know.” How should I answer that? He suggested the one thing I knew to be the best choice for me and my sanity. But how could I agree when something about his eyes and arms, yes, those arms, told me he could make my nightmares go away? Not only did I want the option of saying no, but also the choice to take what I wanted without hurting anyone.

  Worry pinched his brow. I could see the stress on his face and knew he was trying to work out in his mind how to convince me.

  “Yes,” I whispered. Anything that might cause him to struggle that hard couldn’t be worth my efforts to make it harder. “We can be friends.” I stood up. “I’d like
that. But, I really do need to go. I’m not sure when the Realtor is coming. Can you tell Ryan I said bye?”

  “Sure.” He glanced up at me. “We’ll see you later, right?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I left the way I came. Brodan was spending a large amount of time making sure he and I were just friends. There wasn’t enough energy left in me to fight it.

  Chapter Seven

  Dan beat me to the house. Odd how seeing another rig in the drive shortened my breath. Dan’s truck shared nothing more in similarities to Dean’s beside the obvious bed and cab. But it still brought me up short.

  If I faced the honesty in my heart, I’d admit I didn’t want to feel anything for Dean anymore. Loss, love, excitement, confusion, like, and anything else that might come up all needed to go the wayside. My spirit and heart, let alone my mind, couldn’t take anymore.

  I wanted to feel those things for someone else. Another person I just agreed to ignore all connections with beside platonic. Sometimes my stupidity astounded me.

  Are verbal agreements binding in Montana?

  “Hey, Dan. Hope you haven’t been waiting long.”

  Dan walked toward me from the front lawn, camera in hand. “Not at all. I’ve been snapping since I got here about five minutes ago.” He walked to the curb separating my grass from the blacktop. “I think the sign would look good here. Catch buyers from the street easier.” He kicked a spot in the blades with the toe of his shoe.

  I looked toward the house, realizing at once it might not be mine for much longer. Who was I kidding? It hadn’t been mine since Dean moved in after we married. He took over the space like a fungus spreading through the walls.

  Dan moved around the opposite side of the house, peering through the lens of his camera.

  “I’m gonna go inside and pick some stuff up.” What I really needed to do was clear my head. Too many realizations slammed me from all sides.

  Through the front door and into the guest room, I slumped on my bed. Should I feel guilty about my bitterness toward my dead husband? He’d infected my life after we got married.