Breathe Again

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  “It’s my turn to apologize.” I pushed up and looked down into his eyes. “Don’t tell me I can’t have something, let me have it and then take it away, even for a moment. It’s not fair.”

  “I can’t give you anything we wouldn’t regret later.” The regret he spoke of was already present in the tilt of his head and clenched jaw.

  I leaned back. “Regret? Do you know anything about it? Do you?” I wanted to be angry. Dramatically pull against what I knew would be the final straw. “You can’t give me anything I don’t ask for. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t beg you to kiss me. I don’t want to think of you. I can’t spend my time considering the options you refuse to offer me.” In a much stronger frame of mind, I stood, grass from the ground brushing easily from my pants.

  He remained prone, watching me.

  I smiled down at him. “Don’t tease me.”

  He nodded, slightly dazed.

  I spun around and strode from the scene of my near seduction. I’d half wanted him to do something suggestive so I could jump him again right there. Except that time, I wouldn’t have stopped until my clothes had been strewn about the trees and his spread among them.

  The glove had been tossed.

  Ryan slept on the couch. Brodan had disappeared somewhere outside. I sat in my living area unpacking boxes of clothes and considering my game plan.

  I had no idea why I wanted Brodan as much as I did. It wasn’t only a sexual tension between us, although its palpable tug couldn’t be ignored. He was the most contradictory man I’d ever met. One minute he yelled, the next he silently handed me napkins to dry my tears. He wanted me, yet for the sake of his brother, he’d deny me. The more I got to know him, the harder it became to stay away.

  As I was pulling the clothes from the box, refolding and stacking them in their correct piles, a flimsy nightgown, whimsical with roses stitched into the straps, surprised me. The straight line gown had a hem that fell to the knees with white cloth thin enough to see different shades and shapes but thick enough to maintain a slight modesty. Roses traveled down from the straps into a deep V culminating in a straight line that traveled past the navel and trailed onto the hem.

  An idea formed in my head while the silkiness skimmed between my hands. I smiled. The wedding present from my old mother-in-law might actually come in handy.

  While Ryan and Brodan watched some TV that evening I made a homemade pasta dish and salad from ingredients in the fridge and pantry. Poking my head through the door between the kitchen and the entertainment room, I said, “Hey, guys. I made dinner, if you’re hungry.” Avoiding Brodan’s eyes, I smiled at Ryan’s whoop. I loved his enthusiasm for life. Sometimes the man seemed more like a boy with his open smile and spontaneous gaiety. Brodan followed Ryan from the room into the kitchen where I scooped up plates.

  “Thanks, Mags! You’re getting the short end of the stick. We should just hire you to cook and pay you to stay here.” Ryan laughed, dumping ranch on his salad, smothering croutons and tomatoes in the white liquid.

  “My pleasure. I love to cook and finally I have people to eat what I make.”

  Ryan groaned at the first bite, falling into silence while he shoveled food into his mouth.

  I passed Brodan’s plate to him in silence. We’d found a somewhat uneven balance between us after our mashing of lips by the pond. Maintaining formality seemed the only way to clutch our sanity. At least, for me. He appeared unaffected. It was as if his admission of desire had never happened. I, however, wished in desperation for a mute button for my heart. The hyper beating added nausea to my lack of control. I hated it.

  He took the plate, murmuring thanks before digging in.

  In disgust, I didn’t know if at myself or with him, I served my plate and rounded the counter to sit on the free side of Ryan. No need to torture myself with close proximity to Brodan.

  Following dinner, Ryan decided to watch a movie in bed. Brodan kept his plans to himself. I followed suit.

  After Ryan disappeared into his bedroom, I watched from the kitchen while Brodan strode to the barn and saddled the horse I’d seen him working with a few days ago. I rinsed the last plate in the sink and helped it find its place in the dishwasher.

  Brodan rode off on the horse opposite the direction of the pond. The sun would be sinking behind the mountains in about an hour. He’d return about then and I’d be ready. The plan was loose, but I had to do something. I couldn’t help the feelings flooding through me and it wasn’t fair that he could turn his desire on and off like a switch. The need to prove he couldn’t control everything had taken the lead on this one and I jumped into my plan with an overzealous excitement. I only hoped all went as planned—for both our sakes.

  Not long after dusk descended his boots thudded on the wood porch. With a strength I didn’t know I had, I controlled my nerves and grabbed a book to help set up my “scene.”

  Any moment, he would walk in and see what I’d devised with so much care. Just to be sure it’d be perfect I looked down at my ensemble and around the counter area.

  I’d twisted my auburn locks into a loose ponytail with tendrils free to frame my face. The nightgown I’d unpacked earlier hugged my body, the flimsy material displaying the shadows and contours underneath. I’d slid off all my underwear and smeared on lip gloss exactly matching the dust pink of the rose trim. The virginal white material fit like the first day I’d tried it on. The pink should’ve clashed with my red hair, but instead they complemented each other nicely.

  Sitting at the counter? No, that would be mediocre for what I wanted to achieve. I leaned against the counter, but the effect was ruined as my hands shook—barely keeping hold of the book I held. I could only imagine how much of my rear end peaked out from under the nightie’s lower hem. It would be the first thing to greet him when he walked through the door.

  But what happened when he opened the door?

  Oh, crap.

  I hadn’t planned this out well…at all. What would I do? I jerked upright to run from the kitchen. But the memory of his hand on my side, cupping my face as he explored my mouth, filled me with a desire he refused to answer. Enough frustration and heat came with the recollection that I leaned back into the counter. If I’m going to do it, then I better do it right. I jutted my bottom out just a bit.

  A click announced his arrival. A sharp, indrawn breath exhaled in a whoosh. I flipped the page and glanced over my shoulder. Hysterical laughter bubbled up inside me. I wanted to giggle, giggle, for crying out loud. I squashed the growing panic. Be careful what you wish for, Maggie.

  Brodan stood frozen in the doorway. The pallor of his face accentuated the dark shadowy stubble gracing his jawline. His gaze trained on the exact spot I’d expected it to be. At that moment, I had nothing but gratitude for all the stairs I’d run at work. I knew my butt would hold up under his scrutiny.

  Seriously, what was I doing?

  I stood up, pretending nonchalance. I needed to get out of there. “Hey, how was the ride?” I closed the book, placing it on the countertop with nonchalance, a difficult task when one wears no underwear beneath a see-through night gown. What if my legs didn’t stay stiff? I could fall and hit my head or break my teeth on the counter. I was freaking out.

  He tore his gaze from the view and stared at me in silence, the consternation on his face yelling distraction. He had no idea what “ride” I referred to. If he didn’t direct those eyes somewhere else, I wouldn’t make it out of there with even a shred of dignity.

  I waited a moment before turning to face him fully. If I hid, he’d know something was up, but if I stood there and did nothing, he’d know something was up. I was stuck between a counter and Brodan in not-such-a-smart-choice nightie. With all honesty I’d never been so brazen. While I felt like a hussy standing there, his reaction emboldened me. His gaze was drawn to my clearly defined breasts hiding in white shadows—daring him to look his fill and tell me no.

  He studied me. His gaze strayed down from my face and dr
opped like a rock to the area barely covered by my apparel. Brodan became a statue. His jaw stiffened and his soft lips tightened in a grimace. Fire would cover the entire length of my body if he opened his clenched hands and touched even a hair on my head.

  Expelling a long breath, he wrenched his gaze from my ill-covered body. He stepped toward me, jerking the door closed behind him.

  Shame twisted in my stomach. I should have run and hid when he’d opened the door. The moment was rising fast on my list of regrets. I had no idea what to do next, but I had the feeling he wasn’t going to let me get out of there without some consequences.

  “What the hell are you doing?” His words flamed with passion and anger. The first I’d hoped for, but maybe I should’ve invested more time in the plan. I would have reconsidered had I actually weighed the second’s possibility.

  “Um…I’m reading?” I stepped back, worried I may have to scurry around the counter to get away from the heat in his gaze. My plan was turning out to be crap.

  He stared at me. I’d hoped he’d be too preoccupied with seeing what he could under the next-to-nothing material that he wouldn’t figure out that I had an ulterior motive and yell at me.

  “Reading? In that? Did you even walk by a mirror?” He broke from his mannequin position and strode toward me. I couldn’t move fast enough and in seconds he had trapped me between his arms braced against the counter. I looked to the sides, searching for an escape, anything. Damn my plans.

  Now what? I’d gotten the passion, but that was as far as I’d traveled in my imagined vengeance. What did I think would happen? We’d go our separate ways? I stood before him worse than naked following a make-out session in the woods and I thought we would go to our rooms without another thought?

  “Mirror? No. Why? I’m just getting ready for bed. I saw this book and thought I’d give it a try.” Hopefully, the shiver in my voice sounded like a chuckle. Warmth from his arms permeated the thin cloth. My plan to arouse Brodan backfired and ended up triggering my core. To make matters worse, I’d just given away my lack of acting ability.

  “Really? This book, huh?” He moved an inch closer, shifting on his feet and taking the book I held in limp hands. He whispered, “This book is about tractor repair.” He glanced at the spine and back at me. “Do you like tractors?”

  I watched his tongue move when he talked, hiding behind his lips I’d tasted. Hypnotized, I forgot the question, the entire line of the conversation. He glanced down. A flush crept up my skin. Dang the man for turning the tables on me.

  “Brodan.” I cleared my throat, swallowing against the dryness his name evoked. “Did you have a good ride?”

  Astonished, he stared at me. “A good ride? I went on my ‘ride’ to cool off from earlier.” He raised his hand and twisted a small rose bud between his thumb and finger, straying against the skin over my shoulder.

  Goose bumps spread in a cloud down my back and arms. I held my breath.

  “Do you know how counterproductive it is to come in and see you standing here, waiting to ambush me?” His silky words registered behind the twisting in my gut.

  “Ambush you? I’m hardly capable of attacking you, Brodan.”

  “You don’t think this is attacking me? This could destroy me, Maggie. How did you think this would end?”

  I had a pretty good idea how things might turn out. The thought thrilled me and scared me at the same time. The small amount of sanity left demanded I end the complicated experience. Guilt had checked me. I knew better than to act so irresponsibly.

  I crossed my arms over my chest, aware of the nakedness I had flaunted without thinking. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t think this through all the way.” I raised my eyes to meet his. “Do you know how frustrating it is to be kissed the way you kissed me and yet know we can’t do anything about it because you think it’s best for us to stay friends? I haven’t felt whole in a long time, Brodan. You make me feel interested in life again. Why are you denying me the chance to explore that? It’s not fair.” I bit my lip.

  His mouth softened around the edges and his lips relaxed. “Maggie, you’re not the only one suffering. But I can’t let you or Ryan get hurt. There’s too much on the line.” He made a point to lean back and give my body a thorough once-over with his gaze before returning to his position. “I wouldn’t do that to you. You deserve something more lasting than the short time we’ve known each other. Maggie—” he roved my face with his gaze, “—demand marriage before making a step that huge. You deserve it and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I’m telling you no for more reasons than I can get into.”

  Embarrassment crawled over my body. I don’t know when I lost my self-respect. I scowled. When had Brodan gained the ability to remind me of the important things? Even with the reminder, my self-control would willingly jump onto the back of a horse and ride away in the face of his growing appeal. Any more attractive and I’d hurl myself at him in a church.

  “Okay,” I whispered, closing myself off from the shame. I didn’t want to risk seeing judgment in his stance.

  He pressed his lips to my forehead, soft and slow. “I’ll go first. I need a cold shower.” He chuckled and then he was gone.

  I returned to normal breathing. My scheming would cause serious pain if I didn’t learn to think before acting. I walked to my room. Sleep would be welcome, if only I could make it through the door. Maybe the Sandman would be enticed by the outfit. Someone ought to be impacted by the way I looked.

  Chapter Nine

  Overcast, the next day dawned gray and crisp, matching my mood. I showered and shimmied into jeans and a t-shirt, twisting my hair up. The night had passed with remarkable speed as I slept soundly. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d made it through the night.

  Brodan and I sat astride a careening roller coaster. I had no idea how to act around him in the morning. I made sure to hide well under my clothes. I didn’t need a recurrence of the prior night.

  I’d worried for nothing. Ryan sat at the counter eating, always eating. Brodan’s absence seemed conspicuous to me, but I’d been there in the kitchen mere hours before fairly naked trying to do who knew what to the man.

  “Morning.” Ryan’s breakfast filled his mouth. I peeked into his bowl when I got closer. A few Froot Loops struggled to stay on top of the milk.

  “Hey, Ryan, how’re you feeling today?” I grabbed a spoon from the drawer before retrieving a yogurt from the fridge. Joining him at the counter, I leaned out of his way as he reached for the box to pour yet another bowl full.

  “I’m usually good in the mornings. What are you up to today? Have anything planned?”

  I shook my head, taking a bite before I could give in to my curious nature and ask about his brother.

  Fortunately for me, Ryan’s gossipy side gave me what I wanted. “Brodan had to go to one of the sites today to help out. His manager’s wife went into labor last night and called in his paternity leave this morning about three.”

  “Site?” I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn’t think Brodan worked. I’d just assumed he rode his “ranch.”

  “Yeah.” Ryan’s words slipped out around his bites. He had a horrible way of talking with his mouth full. He swallowed. “I told you about his companies, didn’t I?”

  I stared blankly at him.

  Ryan continued. “Well, anyway, the company his dad left him was a logging company. Brodan developed it far and above what his dad had ever done with it. He has sites in so many areas. He’s lucky the one they needed him at today was within driving distance.” Ryan wiped his milk mustache away with his hand. “Do you like him?”

  I don’t know why the brothers had the power to surprise me. From out of nowhere, Ryan asked me how I felt about Brodan. At least Brodan had a lead-in. Ryan just asked out of the blue.

  Swirling my spoon in the small container, I avoided his gaze.

  “Ah, say no more.” He seemed all-knowing, his sigh filled with longing and loss.

&nbs
p; “But I didn’t say anything.”

  “You don’t need to. It’s all over your face.” Ryan picked up his bowl and polished off the milk. After he set it down, he turned to face me, determination in his stance.

  “Is that not okay that I like him? You and I can still be friends.” I scraped the last of the yogurt from its cup and forced nonchalance into my tone.

  Ryan laughed. “Yeah, I know we can. I’ve known you like him, I just wondered when someone was going to admit it. You look at Brodan like I looked at your lasagna.” He winked. “The same way he looks at you.”

  I winced. Sure, it felt nice to think he looked at me, but with how easily he turned me down, something had to be wrong with me. “Why doesn’t he like me, Ryan?” My voice cracked on his name.

  Ryan’s mouth froze partway open.

  “If you don’t know, it’s no big deal. I just need to know why he rejects me so much.” I swung my leg over the opposite knee, leaning toward Ryan, grateful to have someone to hash it out with. “I mean it, Ryan. He rejects me over and over.”

  Ryan sighed again, the motion becoming his trademark. “Look, Maggie. There are a lot of layers to my brother. He’s complex and deeper than most give him credit for.”

  “I’m sure he is. I’m wondering why I stood right there where you are sitting, half-naked, and he turned me down.” Shock the answer out of the little-brother act.

  “What? I would’ve given dessert to see that.” His studied the length of me in a teasing leer.

  “Do you think I’m joking? Seriously, he didn’t respond at all.” No need to go into detail. Ryan didn’t believe me anyway.

  “Maggie, you’re not the type to run around naked trying to get a guy’s ‘attention.’”

  Funny, I’d always thought that about myself too. “I know. He’s driving me crazy.”

  Ryan’s laughter subsided. He studied me like a new life form under a microscope. “He’s never had a steady girlfriend before. He’s kind of old-fashioned and chicks don’t dig that all the time.”