Cross My Heart

by Phyllis Halldorson

  "That's nonsense."

  She put her hand to his mouth to silence him. "No, just listen to me. You think that if you were married to me you wouldn't be so tempted by her, but I'm not willing to take that chance. You've avoided this question every time it's come up, but I'm going to ask it straight this time, and I want an honest answer."

  She looked into his anxious green eyes, and her gaze never wavered. "Clint, are you still in love with Dinah Jefferson?"

  Chapter Twelve

  Clint caught his breath. He was staggered by the enormity of Elyse's question. It sounded so simple, but had such far-reaching consequences.

  Was he still in love with Dinah? Dear God, how could he answer that? He hadn't even let himself think about it this past week, and now if he didn't give a satisfactory answer he was going to lose Elyse!

  The thought made him shudder. Elyse, with her sunny smile that lit all the dark corners of his soul and her shimmering eyes that were incapable of harboring secrets. Even now she looked at him with the love he knew she'd prefer to hide.

  That love had melted the cold wall he'd built around his heart, and her soft hands had worked magic at healing the wounds that had tormented him for so long. She was his light, his warmth, his comfort and his pleasure, so why did he hesitate to give her the resounding no he knew she was demanding in answer to her question?

  He'd sell his soul to be able to do that, but she was too perceptive and he was a poor liar. Oh, he was an expert at evading the truth—all good politicians were—but every time he'd tried to tell a deliberate lie he'd flubbed it. The tragedy was that he honestly didn't know if saying he no longer loved Dinah would be a lie.

  Clint knew he'd hesitated too long when he saw the anguish creep into Elyse's pinched face and heard the quickly stifled sob in her voice. "I guess I have the answer to my question," she said, and turned away. "Please leave, Clint."

  He couldn't let her go. "Elyse, wait!"

  He didn't try to touch her, but she stopped and stood still. "I don't know how I feel about Dinah," he said raggedly. "This has all happened too quickly and for several days I was too sick to worry about it. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you."

  Very carefully he put his arms around her waist. He felt her tense, but she didn't move away. "I know I'm not making sense. I've never believed it possible for a man to love two women at the same time, but now I'm not sure. For six years Dinah was my one and only love. My obsession. I firmly believed she was the only woman in the world for me, and even after she left I never stopped loving her. Then just a few weeks ago you came along and awakened needs in me I hadn't had in years. It was you I wanted, you who made me long for a wife and children."

  She was less tense than before, more pliable in his arms and he knew she was listening and considering what he was saying. If only he could make her under-stand… But how could he, when he didn't understand himself?

  Her untamed hair tickled his chin, and he rubbed his face in the soft clean texture of it. An unwelcome stirring in his groin reminded him that this lady was dynamite and he'd better be careful or he'd ache for hours. Clint had always considered comparisons odious, but now he realized that Elyse's trusting and uninhibited response to his advances had always excited him more than Dinah's more experienced and deliberate seduction ever had.

  The stirrings quickened, and he forced his mind back to the discussion.

  He gathered the loose ends of his thoughts and continued. "After we made love the first time I knew you were special and that I wanted you around for good. Then when you made me tell you about my relationship with Dinah before you'd agree to marry me, I nearly blew it. I'd never talked about our broken engagement before with anyone, and it was incredibly painful—"

  "I'm sorry," Elyse murmured, leaning back more fully into his embrace. "I didn't mean to cause you pain."

  He couldn't resist the overwhelming urge to nuzzle the pulse at the side of her throat, although it made desire surge within him. "I'm glad you did," he said, fighting the need to press against her exquisitely firm bottom. "It brought everything into much clearer focus, and I realized I was wasting years of my life waiting for a woman who didn't love me enough to come to me."

  Elyse tensed again. "So you decided to go for second best and proposed to me." Her tone was bitter, and she tried to pull away.

  Clint could have bitten his tongue. Dammit, why did everything always come out wrong when he tried to talk to her?

  He tightened his hold on her. "I didn't mean it that way. I don't think I've ever in my life been as inarticulate as I am with you. You've got me so confused and upset and half-crazy with the fear of losing you that it's a wonder I can talk at all."

  "Why are you afraid of losing me if you're still in love with Dinah?" Elyse asked with undeniable logic.

  Clint grunted derisively. "That's a good question. The obvious answer is that I'm no longer in love with Dinah, so why won't you accept it?"

  "I would if you would," Elyse said in little more than a whisper, "but you said yourself that you're not sure. How do you feel about her?"

  Clint searched his memory and his emotions. He didn't want to hurt Elyse, but she insisted on the truth and he owed her no less. "I was overjoyed to see her again. For years I'd prayed for that moment, and I was so stunned when it finally happened that I wasn't aware of anything but the fact that she was back. Once the shock wore off, though, my only thought was to find you and undo any pain I might have caused you."

  "Apparently I was already coming down with the flu, because as the afternoon went on I felt miserable. I thought it was just shock, but I was irritable and bad tempered, and we wound up quarreling. After that I was too sick to care about anything, and when Dinah called on Wednesday I have to admit I wanted to see her."

  Elyse tried to squirm out of his embrace, but he tightened his arms around her. "No, I'm not going to release you. You asked for the truth and you're going to get it. When she came to see me that evening I was still too sick to get out of bed, so she sat by me and held my hand."

  He hadn't even thought about Elyse until after Dinah had left, but then he'd been racked with guilt.

  "I told Dinah about us," he said, "but I also invited her to come back the next day."

  He felt Elyse flinch and hated himself for what he was doing to her. Why in hell didn't he just tell her he felt nothing for Dinah and sort his real feelings out later?

  He took a deep breath and continued. "She spent all day at the house on Thursday. We talked practically nonstop, and there were times when it got pretty personal."

  This time Elyse took him by surprise, pulling away with such' force he couldn't hang on to her. "Damn you, Clint," she cried. "Just shut up and go away. I don't want to hear this."

  She turned from him, but not before he'd seen the anguish on her face. He knew he couldn't put her through any more.

  "I knew you wouldn't," he said, "but you insisted. I guess what I'm trying to say is that loving Dinah was a habit that I've probably broken, but I can't be sure yet. All I know for certain is that I no longer want to marry her."

  Elyse walked to the fireplace and stood with her back to him. "Then I suggest you figure out how you do feel about her, and please, have enough respect for my feelings to stay away from me while you're doing it."

  A sob shook her, and he had to fight to keep himself from going to her. "All right, sweetheart," he said, and he could hear the defeat in his tone. "I can't expect you to put up with my stupidity. If I didn't care for you so much I'd lie to you and use any means to get you to marry me."

  She whirled around then, and her features were twisted with anger. "Oh, stop it!" she grated. "If you suspect you're still in love with Dinah, then why would you want to marry me?"

  He walked over to her and took her white face in his hands. "Because, no matter what my mixed-up feelings for her may be, you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with."

  He kissed her warm quivering lips, then tore himself
away and walked out of the room.

  Elyse stood listening to his footsteps retreating down the hall, but instead of the sound of the outside door opening, she heard the footsteps climbing up the stairs.

  Clint was keeping his promise to Janey not to leave without seeing her again!

  A soft cry of pain escaped from Elyse as she crumpled into a chair and buried her face in her hands. What was the matter with her? Why was she demanding perfection when no one was perfect? So he didn't love her with all his heart and soul. He cared for her, and he was considerate and loving with Janey. What right did she have to demand more?

  Elyse knew Clint would cherish her, even if a portion of his heart did belong to another woman. Why couldn't she be content with that much? It was more than many women had.

  Shortly after noon the following day, Sunday, Elyse's phone rang and it was Liz. With all the other things she'd had on her mind, Elyse had forgotten that Paul and Liz were due back today from their honeymoon trip abroad. Fortunately her sister was so excited and happy she didn't notice when Elyse wasn't exactly coherent for the first few minutes.

  They'd talked for about half an hour, when Liz suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, heavens, I forgot this is a toll call. I'll have to float a loan to pay the phone bill if I don't hang up."

  They both laughed at the absurdity of Paul Sterling worrying about paying for a toll call from Sacramento to Placerville.

  "Look, honey," Liz continued, "I want to see you. We brought gifts for you and Janey, and we still have so much to tell you, but I've got to unpack and get things straightened up around here. Why don't you and Janey drive in and spend the afternoon and we'll take you out to dinner. By the way, is Clint there?"

  Elyse stiffened. "No." She didn't elaborate.

  "If he's in the area, why don't you call him and ask him to come, too."

  Elyse gripped the phone. "I don't know where he is." She tried to keep her voice from breaking. "Besides, I'd rather talk to you and Paul alone, if you don't mind."

  She had to tell them about her broken engagement before they heard that Dinah was back, but she wanted to do it in person.

  "Well, sure," Liz said, puzzled. "If that's what you want. Elyse, is anything wrong?"

  "There have been some… developments. I'll tell you all about it when I see you." She hung up and went to find Janey.

  An hour later Elyse and Janey were joyously greeted by Paul and Liz in their Sacramento apartment. There were gifts of Swiss musical toys for Janey and French perfume and handmade frilly lingerie for Elyse. "For your honeymoon," Liz said with a teasing smile, and Elyse bit her lip to keep it from trembling.

  This had been Liz's first trip out of the country, and she chatted nonstop about art galleries in Paris, pageantry in London and gondola rides on the canals of Venice. It was late afternoon and Janey was napping before she finally got to the question Elyse had been dreading. "Now tell me about you and what you've been doing for the past three weeks. I notice you're not wearing your ring yet. When are you and Clint going to announce your engagement?"

  Elyse hated to put a damper on her sister's enthusiasm, but there was no way to avoid it. She braced herself before she spoke. "There won't be an announcement. I've given Clint's ring back to him."

  "What!" The exclamation rang from both Liz and Paul simultaneously.

  Paul was the first to recover. "Good Lord, Elyse, what happened? You two were so happy together."

  There was no way she could soften the truth. "Dinah Jefferson is back."

  Liz gasped. "No!"

  Paul's sudden oath betrayed the depth of his shock. "Are you saying that my idiot brother dropped you for her!"

  Elyse shook her head. "Not exactly."

  She told them about the Ogdens' party and Dinah's surprise appearance. About Clint's illness, her quarrels with him and Dinah's presence at Clint's house. She tried to give them a clear account of her last discussion with Clint the day before, but it was so confused in her own mind that she bewildered her listeners, too.

  "Now wait a minute," Paul said. "I don't understand. If Clint still wants to marry you, what makes you think he's in love with Dinah?"

  Elyse sighed and raised her palms in a gesture of uncertainty. "He doesn't deny it, Paul. He claims he doesn't know himself how he feels about her, but he does have strong feelings for her. Maybe it's not love anymore, but until he finds out whether it is, I can't marry him. It would be disastrous."

  Liz took Elyse's hand and held it. "Of course you can't, honey," she said angrily, "and when I see him I'm going to give him a tongue-lashing that'll blister his hide."

  "Oh, no, Liz." Elyse's dismay was clear in her tone. "You mustn't do that. He can't help how he feels, and he didn't want me to break the engagement. If you take sides it will only cause trouble in the Sterling family. After all, he's Paul's brother, your brother-in-law."

  Liz wasn't about to be appeased. "Well, you're my sister, and I'm not going to stand by and let him hurt you without a protest. What's the matter with the man? It sounds to me as though this woman doesn't know what she wants."

  "I'm sure Clint realizes that," Elyse explained. "But we seldom get to choose who we're going to fall in love with. Look how hard you fought against loving Paul."

  "Well, yes, but…" There was a shade of uncertainty in Liz's tone.

  "Actually, I think that's the reason Clint wants to marry me. He says he loves me and I believe him, but it's a love born of desperation. I came along when he'd given up hope of getting Dinah back, and I filled a large void in his life. I gave him the love, companionship and the warm physical intimacy he so badly needed. He liked it, and he knows that if we married I'd continue to give of myself. He also knows he can't trust Dinah not to desert him again."

  "That's for damn sure," Paul growled. "I used to like Dinah. The whole family did. She was beautiful, bright, well educated, the perfect wife for Clint—or so we thought. Then after they'd announced their engagement and were planning a wedding, she changed her mind and walked out. Just turned tail and ran. Wouldn't even make an effort to solve her problem, even though she knew how much Clint loved her and what her leaving would do to him. He'd be out of his mind to take her back now."

  Elyse winced. It was an automatic reflex against the pain she felt when anyone talked about how much Clint had loved Dinah. "I'm certain he realizes that, but I don't think he trusts himself to remember it if she stays around and he's free. Try to put yourself in his place, Paul. Liz was adamant about not marrying you. If she'd gone away instead of relenting, could you have just turned off your love for her?"

  Paul shook his head. "I wouldn't have let that happen. I knew Liz loved me in spite of her fears about the difference in our ages, and if she'd run away I'd have gone after her. I had no intention of letting her go, no matter how long it took or how much trouble it was to make her see that we belonged together."

  His gaze locked with his wife's across the room, and Elyse could feel the warm happiness that radiated between them.

  "That's what Clint should have done," he continued, "and I'm convinced he would have if he'd really wanted her as badly as I wanted Liz."

  Elyse wanted to believe that, but she knew Clint far more intimately than Paul ever would. It wasn't out of character for Clint to put Dinah's feelings ahead of his own.

  "I'm not so sure," she said. "Clint is a sensitive man. Probably too much so for his own good. He didn't try to find her because he respected her feelings. He didn't want to force her into marriage if she honestly didn't want it. He told me so. That may have been a mistake, but he'll have to come to terms with his feelings for her on his own. I refuse to be his shield."

  Elyse kept busy with her doll-making. She was working on Christmas stock and already had several orders for personalized dolls from friends of Paul's who had seen Liz's collection of her work. She didn't have time to brood during the day, and at night she fell into bed, exhausted, and slept.

  It was early the weekend after Paul and Liz's return tha
t she saw the item in the Around the Town column in one of Sacramento's newspapers, to the effect that the handsome bachelor senator, Clinton Sterling, had been seen in various places with the beautiful former administrative assistant, Dinah Jefferson, who had been living in Paris. The writer reminded her readers that Clint and Dinah had been engaged at one time, and wondered in print if they were taking up where they'd left off four years before.

  The next day Elyse accepted a date to go to a movie with Ferris Rogers, a teacher whom she'd dated occasionally before she'd met Clint. Not that she wanted to go out with anyone else, but she was determined to get back into the mainstream of life and not sit at home and brood.

  On Tuesday the telephone rang, and it was Grace Sterling, Clint's mother. "We're at the house in Cameron Park," she said after introducing herself. "We arrived on Sunday and are looking forward to meeting you and Janey."

  "But, Mrs. Sterling," Elyse said, trying to overcome the jolt this surprise call had given her. "Didn't Clint tell you—"

  "He told me the story of your broken engagement, yes, and I'm truly sorry about it, but whether you marry our son or not, you're still a part of the family. We're totally captivated by Liz, and we want to know her sister and little niece. My husband and I are having a cocktail party on Saturday to get together with family and friends we haven't seen for nearly a year, and we'd like you to be there."

  "Oh, but—"

  "I realize it might seem a bit awkward for you, and I certainly don't want to cause you distress, but we're both especially anxious that you come."

  Going to a party at the Sterlings' was the last thing Elyse wanted to do, but neither did she relish embarrassing Liz by seeming ungracious and standoffish to her sister's new in-laws.

  "Does Clint know you're inviting me?" Surely he wouldn't want her there. It was too much to hope that Dinah wouldn't be invited, too.