Home for the Holidays

by Sara Richardson

  She’d wanted to play soccer and wear her hair short and dress in sweats for school. I don’t understand you, Magnolia had been one of Lillian’s favorite phrases. As a teen she’d worn those words like a badge of honor, but now that she was older, now that she’d walked through such heartbreak, she couldn’t deny that she wanted her mom to understand, to offer her comfort. That’s what she would do if she ever became a mom. She’d be like Jess, doting on Patrick and chuckling at his cute mistakes instead of trying to fix them all.

  When Patrick and Jess and Lola showed up two hours ago, she’d gotten lost in the baking, in the sweet smiles that boy kept directing at her, and her heart didn’t ache quite so much.

  “We should get out of your hair.” Jess smoothed over baby Lola’s beautiful silky black curls.

  “Don’t be silly.” Panic suddenly struck in Mags’s chest. They couldn’t go. Not yet. They’d had so much fun, and once they left, she’d go back to stewing in her own problems. “You can’t leave until we’ve tested our work.” Gazing down at Patrick, she raised her eyebrows. “How would you like to sample a cupcake?”

  “Yes!” He jumped off the stool and continued to bounce with the ferocity of a real-life Tigger. “Please, Mama! Please! Please can we try one?”

  Jess laughed and shook her head at the same time. “If that’s what the professional says we should do.” She leaned in close to Mags. “I have a feeling this might go down as one of the best days of his entire life.”

  Mags smiled and hurried over to a cupboard and pulled out three plates. “Well if we don’t test them out, how are we going to know if these cupcakes are any good?”

  “Because they look sooooo yummy.” Patrick eyed the rows of decorated cupcakes with an intensity that made both Mags and Jess giggle. “I want this one.” He reached for a heavily frosted cupcake on the end. “No, this one.” His hand reversed course going to grab from the middle. “Oh. Does that one have more frosting?” He pointed.

  “That’ll do just fine,” his mother said sternly. She picked up the cupcake for him and set it on a plate.

  “Let’s sit at the table and rest our feet,” Mags suggested, choosing her cupcake. It had to be the one with the least amount of frosting—which was hard to come by.

  Jess picked out a cupcake too, and then joined Mags and Patrick at the table.

  “It’s good all right!” The boy had already ripped off the paper and taken a huge bite. He grinned at Mags with a colorful frosting mustache. “We did great! Try it!”

  “I can’t wait.” Mags unwrapped hers and took a bite, but when she sunk her teeth in, that sugary smell suddenly overwhelmed her, sending a hard lurch through her stomach. She chewed slowly, willing the sudden bout of nausea to subside. “Mmmm,” she murmured, hoping to satisfy that expectant look on the boy’s face.

  “It’s good? Right?” Patrick stuffed another bite into his mouth. “This is the best cupcake I ever had!”

  “It’s very good,” Jess agreed. She seemed to study Mags from across the table.

  “How come you’re not eating the rest?” Patrick asked her, licking remnants of frosting off the wrapper.

  “Oh.” Mags set the cupcake on her plate. She couldn’t. Not without making a quick run to the kitchen sink. “I might save it. It’s almost too good to eat.” Even the thought of the frosting in her teeth made her gag. She cleared her throat and quickly stood to fill a glass with water.

  “Hey, Patrick,” Jess said behind her. “Remember that bathroom down the hall? Why don’t you go wash your hands and get cleaned up?”

  “Okay.” On his way past Mags he paused. “I can help you finish that cupcake when I get back if you want.” The offer was so sincere that Mags held back her chuckle.

  “We’ll see.” She cast a look at Jess who was shaking her head with horror. “Or I can send it home with you and you can have it after you eat a healthy dinner.”

  “Yes!” Patrick bounded out of the kitchen celebrating the whole way.

  Mags trudged back to the table with her glass of water and plopped down with a groan.

  “Are you okay?”

  “It’s my stomach. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Sometimes I feel great and then other times I suddenly feel like I’m going to lose my lunch. I never know what’ll set it off.”

  “I was the same way.” Jess finished off her cupcake and dusted the crumbs off her hands. “It’ll get better though. My nausea completely went away in the second trimester. It was like magic.”

  Trimester? A pained gasp escaped her lips and the weight came barreling back in to crush her heart. “No. I’m not—” She couldn’t be…

  “What?” Jess’s hand flew to her mouth. “Oh geez. I’m so sorry! I thought—I didn’t mean—I just saw you have a wedding ring on and you’re so good with kids, and then with the nausea I assumed…” Her whole face turned as red as Sassy’s checkered tablecloth.

  Heat filled Mags’s cheeks. “Don’t feel bad. Please.” Jess had no way of knowing the struggles they’d endured. “We…um…haven’t been able to get pregnant.” Don’t cry. Do not let one tear out. Too late. That emotion spilled over and trickled down her cheek.

  And now Jess looked like she was about to burst into tears. “That’s even worse. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have said anything! Oh, I’m so sorry.”

  “What is that divine smell?” Sassy traipsed into the room from the hallway and gasped. “Cupcakes! They’re finally done! I just love your cupcakes, Mags.” After coming in to meet Jess and Patrick earlier, Sassy had disappeared to her office to wrap presents, but Mags had fully expected her to come sniffing around sooner or later.

  Her aunt swiped a cupcake off the counter but froze when she caught sight of Mags and Jess sitting at the table.

  Those damn tears wouldn’t stop rolling down Mags’s cheeks, and now Jess was crying, too.

  “My goodness.” Sassy rushed the rest of the way to the table and pulled out a chair. “You two look sadder than a kid the day after Christmas.”

  “It’s my fault,” Jess blubbered. “I thought Mags was pregnant, so I opened my big mouth…”

  “Pregnant?” Sassy turned to look at Mags, her eyes wide.

  “I can’t be,” Mags reminded her aunt. But her heart suddenly seemed to be beating faster and louder.

  “You’ve been dealing with a mysterious illness on and off,” the woman murmured, hope lighting her eyes.

  No. Mags was afraid to hope. No. It was impossible. Hope had been too painful. “I’m not…” She couldn’t seem to say the word. Instead she gazed at Jess, seeing only a blurred version the woman’s face. “You said that’s how you felt when you were pregnant? Nauseous on and off? Like you were suddenly going to throw up at the most random times?”

  Jess nodded, dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. “It was the smells that got to me most. They seemed so much stronger in the beginning. Even good smells—smells I liked—might send me running to throw up in the bathroom.”

  “Oh my God.” Mags had never known. She’d never made it far enough along in any of her pregnancies to have symptoms.

  She laid her palms flat on the table, trying to stop the trembling that overtook her.

  “Mommy! My hands are clean!” Patrick shot back into the kitchen showing off his clean hands. “See?” he said to Mags. “I washed ’em just like you taught me before we did the frosting.”

  She tried to smile. Maybe she was smiling? She couldn’t tell. Tears built a curtain of blindness in her eyes again, spilling over with a vengeance. “They look amazing,” she blubbered. “You’re amazing, Patrick, do you know that?” What she wouldn’t give to have a little boy or a little girl like him. Someone to love and to teach and to give the world to.

  “What’s a matter?” Fear quieted his voice. “Why are you sad, Miss Mags?” His chubby little arms came around her.

  “I’m not sad,” she assured him, hugging him back. “Sometimes tears can be happy,” she said, even though caution had
already raised its flag. Mags pulled back and peered down at him. “Did you know that?”

  He nodded solemnly. “Mommy and Daddy cried when Lola was born. I didn’t though. I wasn’t that happy.”

  Laughter bubbled up, mingling with the range of emotions growing inside of her.

  “We should go. Give you two some space.” Jess stood. “What do you say to Mags?” she asked Patrick.

  The little boy frowned, but he knew better than to argue with his mother, Mags had seen evidence of that. “Thanks so so so much Miss Mags.”

  “You’re so so so welcome.” She rose from her chair trying to find her balance on shaky legs. “Thank you for coming Patrick. And for being such a sweet boy. I’m happy we got to bake your birthday cupcakes together.”

  “Me, too.” He threw his arms around her waist again.

  “Gentle,” Jess admonished him.

  “He’s okay.” Mags ruffled his hair.

  “You’re going to come to my party, right?” He turned to Sassy. “You can come too, Miss Sassy. It’s going to be so much fun! We’re going to blow-up a bouncy castle!”

  “That does sound fun,” Sassy agreed.

  “I’ll do my very best to be there,” Mags promised. She’d planned to fly home a few days after Christmas, but maybe Eric didn’t want her to come home. She didn’t know what her future held. Not for a baby, not for her marriage, not for a viable pregnancy. Anxiety tightened its grip on her chest.

  “Keep me posted,” Jess said gently, hugging Mags tight. “Anything you need. Even to talk or something. You’ve done so much for us so please know I’ll be there for you.”

  Mags nodded, her eyes filling up again. “I’ll text you later.” She didn’t recognize the sound of her own voice.

  A strange fog descended over her as Sassy helped Jess and Patrick cart the cupcakes out to their car. Mags eased a hand onto her belly and sank back into a chair, remembering the times she’d found out she was carrying a baby, and then the times she’d seen the blood in the toilet. Sobs rose up her throat, crashing through her with a force that bent her over the table.

  Arms came around her, and that scent. Sassy’s sweet rosy scent seemed to still everything. “I can’t do it again,” she moaned, letting her aunt hold her up. “I can’t lose another baby.” The possibility threatened to break her heart apart.

  “I know,” Sassy whispered into her hair. “I know, sweet girl. Everything’s going to be all right. We’re going to take one thing at a time. Just one thing.” She smoothed her hand over and over Mags’s hair. “First, I want you to breathe. Deeply. Calmly. That’s all you have to do in this second, honey. Breathe.”

  Mags did as she was told, drawing in a breath and holding it before letting herself sigh out an exhale. Her racing heart started to slow its pace.

  Sassy let go of her. “Now you need to lift your head, Mags. Lift your head and look at me.”

  It took effort to raise her chin, to stare into her aunt’s vibrant eyes. “You’re strong. You’re so very strong.”

  She tried to believe that.

  “We need to go see Ike,” her aunt said, standing. She didn’t let go of Mags’s hand though. “None of this trying to decide if we’ve got two lines or none on some plastic stick. We need a professional’s opinion right away.”

  “Okay.” Deep breath. Just breathe. That’s all she had to do in this second.

  “Do you want to find Dahlia and Rose so they can come with us?” Sassy tugged on her hands, helping her to stand.

  “No.” It would take too long. Rose was out hanging lights with Colt and Dahlia had gone shopping. She let her aunt lead her to the coat closet. “Only you and me. We need to go now.” She had to know.

  “Come on, then.” Sassy helped her pull on her coat and then led her outside, down the steps, and to her car. Mags said nothing on the drive to the clinic. She simply stared. Couldn’t talk, couldn’t think, couldn’t let herself feel anything.

  Once they reached Ike’s clinic they slipped inside the door together, her aunt holding her hand.

  “Well look who it is!” The receptionist stood up from behind the desk. “I didn’t know you had an appointment today, Sassy.” Like most other people in town, the middle-aged woman greeted her aunt with a hug.

  “No appointment for me.” Her aunt leaned in closer. “We need to see Ike as soon as possible.”

  “We’ll get you right on back.” The receptionist waved them toward a door and ushered them down the hall and into an exam room like they were VIPs. “I’ll tell Ike you’re here,” she said before closing the door.

  Mags slid into a chair next to her aunt and stared at the framed photograph of a glassy mountain lake reflecting the surrounding peaks, trying to soak in the peacefulness of the image. As much as she tried to ward off hope, it had still taken root in the deepest part of her, somehow outmatching the fear and the uncertainty with its weak but glowing light.

  How could she be pregnant? Maybe she had simply wanted it so much for so long that her body was fooling her. “We’ve only had sex once since the last failed treatment.” Before that, they’d done it every time there might’ve been a chance she was fertile. Every time the doctors told them it would be the perfect time…

  “Once is all it takes.” Sassy held her hand.

  “Not for us.” Mags’s gaze bored into the photograph of the mountain lake. “The doctors told us we only had a five percent chance of getting pregnant naturally.”

  “Pshaw. What do doctors know?” Sassy said, just as the door opened.

  Ike walked in laughing. “Not much.”

  “See?” Her aunt looked quite pleased with herself. “How are you, Dr. Ike? Having a good day today?”

  “It keeps getting better.” He closed the door, quickly, seeming to sense an urgency. “What can I do for you two?”

  “I need a pregnancy test,” Mags blurted before her aunt could say anything.

  To Ike’s credit, he didn’t look shocked. “Okay,” he said, as though he heard those exact words every day. “Do you have a reason to suspect you might be pregnant?”

  No. She shouldn’t have a reason. It would make no sense. “That illness Dahlia was bugging me about. It still hasn’t gone away. It comes and goes. I’ll feel fine one minute and then all of a sudden I’ll feel like I’m going to throw up out of nowhere.” But a lot of people had nervous stomachs. And she had been under a lot of stress.

  “She’s been tired,” Sassy volunteered. “Very tired.”

  “Ah.” The man nodded as though making a mental note. “Do you know when your last menstrual cycle was?”

  “I can’t remember exactly.” After going off the treatments she’d stopped paying attention. “Things have been kind of messed up in that department. We were going through fertility treatments, but the last one failed.” Her voice wavered. “And I’ve had three miscarriages.”

  Ike reached over to squeeze her hand. “That doesn’t mean you’ll have another one.”

  Mags nodded, letting a few more tears slip out. If Dahlia didn’t go after this man, she was going to let her sister have it.

  “All right.” The man stood. “We’re going to make this as quick and easy as possible. Why don’t you go down to the bathroom and leave a urine sample? Then you can come back in here and we’ll run the test. I’ll come back the second I have results.”

  “That would be great. Thank you.” She followed him out into the hall, her feet clunky, and found the restroom. Her hands shook as she went about the task, but, somehow, she left the sample and made it back to the exam room without crying again.

  “I’m afraid to hear no and I’m afraid to hear yes.” She sat down next to her aunt again, caught in the tug-of-war between hope and doubt.

  “I can certainly understand that.” Sassy turned to face her. “What scares you the most?”

  She didn’t even have to think about the answer. “That I might never be a mother.” That was the missing piece of her. The broken piece she couldn’t f
ix. It had become a hole in her heart she couldn’t fill, and it was stealing everything from her—her joy, her marriage…

  “Oh, but Mags…my dear…” Sassy pressed her cool palm against her cheek. “You already are a mother. You might not have been able to hold your babies in your arms, but you’ve cradled them in your heart all this time. You know that love. You know how it changes you from the inside out. Maybe you know it better than most people because of all you’ve lost.”

  “Thank you.” A sob rose up her throat. No one had ever acknowledged that before. No one had ever called her a mother. After she’d seen the blood in the toilet the first time she’d miscarried, she’d been whisked in to the doctor for a D&C and then sent home with post-procedure instructions. No one had said the word “baby.” No one had said the word “mother.”

  A knock on the door set her heart ablaze. But with her aunt holding tightly to her hand, a strength rose up, trampling over her fears. “Come in.”

  Ike stepped fully inside the room and closed the door behind him. “We got the results and I’m thrilled to be the first one to congratulate you, Mags. You are definitely pregnant.”

  She let out the breath she’d been holding. A few tears escaped, too. “Wow. Wow.” That was all she could seem to say.

  “What wonderful news.” Sassy wrapped her in a hug, both laughing and crying.

  “Congratulations.” Ike squeezed her shoulder. “I have a good friend who’s an OB in Salida. They’re supposed to be closed tomorrow since it’s Christmas Eve and all. But I could call her and see if she’d be willing to take one patient.”

  “Yes.” She held back another sob. “Please. Yes. Tell her I can be there whenever it works for her.” That was what she needed most—to see the baby. To hear that little heartbeat.

  “I’ll call her right now,” Ike promised, opening the door. “You can stay here as long as you like. Take as much time as you need.”