The Not

by A. R. Braun

  “This better be important.”

  Don looked through the peephole. Uncle Jim and Georgia stood in the hallway. My mother-in-law right across the hallway on my honeymoon — only with Pishuni. Don sighed and opened the door. Uncle Jim smiled while Georgia held her purse over the front of her dress.

  “Good morning,” his mother-in-law said. “Is my girl up?”

  “No,” Don answered. “Look, we were up pretty late last night — it being our honeymoon and all — so…”

  Jim grinned. “We wanted to accompany you to the breakfast-burrito bar. You don’t want to miss this.” He gestured with his hand. “Come on, it’s complimentary. You can take a nap after.”

  Don had to restrain himself from barking in the man’s face. “All right, sure. I’ll get Fay up and we’ll meet you down there.” He left them standing outside the threshold like idiots and walked into the bedroom. He woke his wife, who stirred and rolled over.

  “Your mom and Uncle Jim want us to go to the breakfast-burrito bar with them,” Don said.

  “Oh! I forgot about that! Let me get ready.”

  “How long’s that gonna take?”

  Fay furrowed her brow. “I dunno. Not long. I’m starvin Marvin.”

  All the devastation in Rio Rancho and Albuquerque, and they’re thinking about burritos.

  He started to walk away, but turned around to reprove her. Fay crashed into him because she’d jumped into his arms, her legs closing around his waist. Her enchanting shampoo and perfumed scents were gone, but her natural smell was somehow better. Sweat intermingled with estrogen. “I love you, sexy hubby.” She kissed him long and hard. He was forced to gulp down morning breath. She pulled away. “You were the best last night, you animal.”

  Don couldn’t help be aroused; the tops of her breasts stuck out of the robe — likewise her tanned legs.

  She jumped down. “Hey.” She wiped his eyes. “You’ve got sleepy dust… and black rings under your eyes. Didn’t you get much sleep?”

  He shook his head, then walked into the living room. Either Uncle Jim or Georgia had closed the door for him. Where were they? Standing out in the hall like morons?

  Fay followed him out. “Wait a minute.” She looked at the couch with misplaced pillows. She put her hands on her hips and frowned. “Did you sleep out here?”

  He nodded. “Your buddy paid me a visit.”

  Confusion was in her eyes. “My buddy?”

  “Guess who.”

  She looked at the floor. She sighed and walked toward the bedroom. “Let’s just check out the breakfast-burrito bar, kay? Tell Mom and Uncle Jim I’m gonna take a shower.”

  Don opened the door, and sure enough, they stood there like a couple of damned fools. He gave them the bad news. Uncle Jim said they’d be back in fifteen minutes.

  Don grabbed the dufus stick and turned on the idiot box. He sat on the couch. Don couldn’t believe Fay was going to make them wait like that.

  Rude much?

  ***

  Don and Fay had gorged themselves on the complimentary breakfast and gone back to sleep. Later, they’d seen the sights of Santa Fe. It all came rushing back to him when they entered their room after eating supper out. He closed the door behind him. He crossed his arms. “All right, dear, you’ve had your honeymoon, the best breakfast burrito in the world, dined out for both a late lunch and supper and have seen the sights of Santa Fe. Now, you wanna get rid of your god before this gorgeous city goes up in flames?”

  She turned slyly, giving him the lusty eye. “You sure you don’t wanna let me ride the bull first?”

  He slapped his forehead. “Fay! Pishuni’s gonna destroy Santa Fe!”

  She headed for the bedroom. “You’re a poet and don’t know it, sexy hubby — a party pooper too.”

  “Stop right there!”

  Fay stopped, not turning around. He fought the urge to look at her perfect ass, probably crammed into those jeans with a can opener.

  “What?” Fay asked.

  Don said, “There’s no shame in being a man-hating lesbian, hon. I deserved to be hated for some of the things I’ve done. I won’t leave you. You can even bring her home. At least let me watch though. Don’t you know that’s every man’s dream?”

  Fay turned slowly. If looks could kill… “YOU FUCKING BASTARD.” She threw her purse and it hit him in the face. The pain was excruciating.

  She must have cement in it.

  He touched his wound, a throbbing pain spreading through it. He wondered if he’d have a fat lip. When he looked at her, she had her hand over her mouth.

  Then she cackled.

  Oh, wow, what did I marry?

  She stomped over to him and pushed him twice. “You wanna be a gay man? Huh? Do ya?”

  “No. Not that it’s anything to be ashamed of.”

  “Well, that’s how I feel. And I can’t let my mom and my uncle Jim die again.”

  Fury erupting in his mind like a wildfire, he grabbed her arms. “You come out of your delusion right now, or I’m leaving. I won’t have that devil destroying Santa Fe.”

  She shook her head and hissed.

  “And now I see you’re violent,” he added.

  Fay’s face broke: her lips trembled, her eyes went wide and her face turned red. She erupted in tears and sank to her knees. “I’m sorry… but… I’m s-s-scared.”

  Don sighed through his nose, tempted to throw her out of the window. So, of course, he went to her and held her. “I know, hon. I went through it too. But you’re right, I don’t understand what it’s like being a woman-hater and having my mom dead.” He stroked her quivering back. She hugged his neck, hot tears dripping onto it. “Still, you’ve got to get rid of him. He’ll destroy this city and the rest of mankind after that.”

  “I… can’t,” she sobbed. Fay pulled from his neck to face him; she was a wreck again. Bleary-eyed, her crimson face seemed like it would turn into a tomato and pop if he pushed her any further. “I promise if he demands that I give him the right to wipe out Santa Fe, I’ll get rid of him. But I want to enjoy my honeymoon and my mother and uncle for a while.” She kissed him. “Please? Just let it go?”

  Don helped her up. “You know I can’t do that.”

  Fay looked at the floor.

  “Tough love, then.” Don pulled away from her. “I’m gonna have a few drinks.”

  She looked up at him with worried eyes. “Without me?”

  “I’m sorry, Fay. I’ve seen that thing destroy two cities, and I can’t take having him around. Even though I’ve refused to worship him, he keeps showing up, like last night, rubbing it in my face that he’s taken you.”

  “So you said.” Fay crossed her arms. “What’d he say?”

  “He said, and I quote: ‘Checkmate, paleface.’ ”

  Fay looked lost as she turned away. “That bastard,” she whispered. She spoke to the wall: “Hey, Pishuni, did you fuck with my husband last night?”

  Don threw his hands up. “Oh, this is ridiculous.” He headed for the door. “Let me know when you wake up and smell reality.”

  “Hubby,” she cried. Her footsteps pitter-pattered his way.

  Don slammed the door and hurried toward the elevator.

  She opened the door. “Donny! No!”

  He pushed the button.

  “Wait,” she cried.

  He went inside. The elevator door closed before she could reach it. When he walked into the empty lobby, he hissed, ignoring the red sky and the early evening’s chill as he moved through the parking lot. He power walked to his car in case she went into hot pursuit. He thought of Rosco P. Coltrane and couldn’t even laugh. Don unlocked his door, climbed in, started the engine and tore out. A speeding ticket was the least of his worries.

  He cruised for quite a while, feeling as if a field trip would do him some good.

  He was wrong.

  After a half hour, panic stabbed him like a scorpion’s stinger as he passed Ben sitting on the porch of a small white house that
had to be his grandmother’s. Don stomped on the brake. He looked at the kid in amazement, then parallel parked the car and walked toward the porch on shaky legs.

  I saw that boy dead.

  When he made his way up the steps, Don noticed Ben gripping his neck with his hands. The latter’s eyes were wide; he looked as if he’d seen a ghost.

  “Ben, are you all right?” Don asked.

  The boy jerked his head up at him. Ben trembled like a young girl in the hands of a serial killer. He pointed at him. “You! And that lady…” His voice was soprano. “How? I mean, did you see? I was — I was dead.”

  Don lowered his gaze. A couple of scorpions crawled to his feet. He kicked them and they went flying.

  “How the fuck am I alive again?” Ben’s voice was back to a bass tone.

  Don looked up at him surreptitiously.

  “Answer me!” Ben added.

  That was all Don could take. His mind reeled, raced and panicked. He pivoted and walked away.

  “I hung myself,” Ben continued. “You fucker, talk to me! Did you pray to that son of a bitch after it killed my family?”

  Don hurried his pace.

  “I’ll kick your ass if you did, motherfucker!” Ben went on. “My friends are dead, and all I’ve got is my grandma. I have a gun. You better come back here and answer me!”

  Don broke into a run. He tried not to think about the bullets that might pierce his back before he got to the car.

  CHAPTER 28

  Fay looked out the window at the gorgeous city. Don would never understand how terrified she was. She wondered where he could be. He was somewhere out there and she wanted her husband back. The last thing she wanted to do was worship Pishuni, but what other way was there? She’d take true love and family over the world any day. Nobody had ever cared about her but her mother, her uncle and her sexy hubby. She sighed as the pissed off sun became so bright she had to shield her eyes. The orb seemed ready to explode in the sky. Was that a Native-American curse?

  “Pssst.”

  She jumped when she heard the voice of thundering eons. A searing warmth crawled up her back. Trembling, she couldn’t move, couldn’t turn around to talk to…

  … “Hey blondie!”

  Oh, my God. It’s Pishuni.

  Fay didn’t know what he wanted. She’d given in to him to get her desire for her husband and her relatives back, as well as Ben being alive again. She had to grab the window ledge to keep from practically going into a seizure of fear. She thought her T-shirt would be singed from the heat of the monster god.

  “TURN AROUND OR I’LL BURN YOU THROUGH AND THROUGH.”

  Fay forced herself to turn to face the deity. As she did, no one loomed in the room until she looked harder. A face of fire with spiked black eyes glared at her from the fireplace. Razor-sharp teeth filled his mouth, and two horns jutted out of the sides of his head.

  “How, paleface.”

  His voice rumbled from her ears all the way down to her toes. She balled her hands into fists to hide her uncontrollable trembling. Fay blinked at the hexing vision and forced herself not to turn away.

  His smile turned into a half-moon rictus frown. “You know, this city, the oldest capital in the United States, it’s got quite a bit of history. But you probably already know that. I won’t bore you by going on and on about how Spanish missionaries founded it in 1609, ten years before the Pilgrims reached Plymouth Rock, or how ‘plum purdy’ it is. I want you and Don’s favorite city… and I want it now.

  “I’m bored.”

  Fay struggled to speak. “I… I…”

  “I know, you’re a scared little woman and all that. Bah! How do you like my discretion, by the way? Isn’t it brilliant of me to appear in the fireplace? I’m an artistic lord, don’t you think? Your ‘Donny’ didn’t appreciate it much, but then again, he’s never been a lover of life, the loser he was before I found him.”

  She was too terrified to answer.

  “All right, no more playing games. Here’s the deal: you’re going to take your husband, mother, uncle and go. But before you do, you’re going to invoke me over Santa Fe. Just open your lovely little mouth and tell me what I want to hear. Then I won’t turn you back into a man-hating lesbian and take away your family.”

  Fay shook her head. “N-n-no.”

  Pishuni frowned and cocked his head. “No?”

  She shook her head again.

  “Enough of this,” Pishuni bellowed.

  Fay screamed as scorpions filled the carpeting and black crows came out of a vortex in the door and landed on the furniture. Mercifully, the ledge was one of those big ones a person could sit on. Squealing, she jumped onto it, crouching at the knees.

  The fire shot out of the fireplace and Pishuni towered over her. His head of flames touched the ceiling. She flinched back and rattled the glass, thankful she didn’t fall out of the window. He returned to his physical form, the fire melting away, which was a relief, for Fay had thought her eyebrows were going to singe off. His enormous, muscular body flexed, blocking out the fireplace and the rest of the room. He had scaly skin and three nipples on his chest. Pishuni’s hands and feet sported long black claws, which matched the color of his horns. Wings of blinding prisms fluttered behind him, sounding like something out of one of those weird horror movies. She’d never seen or heard anything more frightening in her life. Horrified to the point she thought she’d lose control of her nerves, Fay shrieked.

  “SANTA FE — GIVE IT ME, NOW, OR I’LL TURN YOU BACK INTO A DYKE AND KILL YOUR MOTHER AND UNCLE… AGAIN.”

  When he said that, lightning struck so vehemently that the building’s foundation shook. Rain pelted the glass. She put her hands over her eyes, willing Pishuni to go away.

  I can’t give it to him. But I have to. I’m so scared, I think I’m gonna have a heart attack.

  “Hey, schmuck,” her husband’s voice cried from behind the deity. Fay was so relieved she thought she’d shit her drawers.

  “Leave her the fuck alone,” Don continued.

  Pishuni uttered a rumbling, demon-like growl as he turned his head toward the voice. Fay was just glad that horrid face had looked away from her.

  She finally caught sight of Don as he backed out of the doorway while the crows dove for him and the scorpions inched his way.

  “Ahhhhhh,” Don cried. “You fuckers.” He struggled with the birds, batting them off of him.

  “Leave him alone,” Fay cried.

  Pishuni turned his head toward Fay with supernatural speed. He crossed his arms and scowled. “Sure, no problem. As soon as you give it me.”

  “Don’t do it, Fay.” Don must have been running for the elevator, for his voice cried out from down the hall.

  Fay yelled at Pishuni, “You’d better quit fucking with my husband.”

  The deity cackled. “So what if I did? He was my bitch before he was your bitch.” He uttered another hearty laugh. “You have ten seconds to give me Santa Fe, or you’re a dyke without a family.” The god counted backward from ten.

  She trembled with anger. Threatened to give in to his insane demand, Fay found some resolve. This creature had been mean to her husband one too many times. Pishuni could’ve fucked with anyone else — well, except her mom and uncle — and Fay would’ve backed down. But she was a newlywed and a pissed off one at that. “No.” She pointed toward the door. “Get the fuck out of here. And out of my life for that matter.”

  Pishuni roared, a sound like 1,000 lions letting loose. It shook every fiber of her being. The gabled window rattled as she held onto the edge of her seat. Knowing what would come, she ran to the other side of the room as the windows exploded, the shards of glass tinkling to the floor. She closed her eyes. Her heart pound like a death-metal blastbeat. Afraid to open her eyes, Fay stayed that way for about fifteen seconds.

  When she opened her eyes, the deity was gone.

  ***

  Don looked up in surprise when the birds quit attacking. Standing in the elevato
r, he breathed a hearty sigh of relief. The black crows were gone. The scorpions had pursued him down the hall. Now the hallway was clear. His dress jacket was torn to ribbons. He yanked it off and slung it behind him, then headed for the room.

  Someone burst through the stairwell door. He craned his head to look. Juanita gawked at him with wide eyes.

  “Is everything all right up here?” she asked.

  He turned to face the clerk and nodded. “Just a honeymooner’s tiff. Everything’s fine now. I apologize.”

  She furrowed her brow as she nodded. “Good.” She walked away. The door slammed behind her.

  When he turned around, Fay crashed into him, hugging him so tightly he thought he’d crack in two. He caressed her silky hair with one hand and her soft back with the other. “There, there, I know. He’s a spook. You had to learn the hard way, like me.”

  She let go. Her eyes bulged and her face went pale. “Where’s Mom and Uncle Jim?” Fay pulled away and pounded on the door across the hall. “Mom! Uncle Jim!”

  No one answered.

  “Oh, my God.” She kept pounding as her tears fell. Finally, she stopped and beat her forehead against the door. “No! Nooooo!”

  Don reached out to touch her back. “I’m so sorry.”

  She swatted his arm from her. “Get off me!” Fay looked him up and down as if he were scum. “Stay the fuck away!”

  Startled, he held his hands out. “I know, I know. Your desire for me is gone, and so is your family. Like I said, I’ll stand behind you — ”

  She screamed in horror and walked back into their room. He hurried in and shut the door before Juanita could come stomping back up the stairs. Fay fell onto the couch with her head in her folded arms. She bawled. “What’s the use of living?” she sobbed. “I’ve lost my love for you and my… my family’s gone.”

  Don was nonplussed. Nothing he could say would help anyway. He sat in one of the chairs, deciding she needed him to try. “You did the right thing.”

  She raised her red face and burned holes into his soul with her squinty eyes. “Fuck you, man whore.” Fay dropped her head back into her arms and wailed.

  “You’ll live. And more importantly, so will Santa F — ”