Pulling myself up from the bunk, my instinct to run was crushed my draw toward him. Leaning toward his door, I tried to call out to him.
"Christopher?" My mouth moved, but it was soundless. I took a deep breath and tried again. "Christopher?" This time it came aloud enough, but I got no response.
From the doorway, I saw Christopher sprawled on the floor. It looked like he'd knocked everything off the small table next to his bed. "Christopher –"
"Go. Away!"
Curling my body away from his anger, I sucked in a breath and walked toward him. Reaching for his arm the tips of my fingers touched him and he pulled away. Standing quickly he looked me straight in my face.
"Leave. Me. The. Fuck Alone!" Shouting in my face, his breath smelled putrid. He threw himself back on his bed and put his arm over his face.
I was about to turn and leave when the bottles caught my attention. Scattered on the floor were a variety of pills and prescription bottles. Leaning down, I picked up the bottles and looked at the labels. Quickly standing, I turned back to him.
"Christopher did you take these –." Before I could finish his intent stare stopped me. Sitting up on the edge of the bed, his expression concerned me. I didn't know if I should be scared or not, but I straightened myself up.
"Christopher. Did you take any of these?" He didn't move, just stare. One slow step forward, he still didn't move nor take his eyes from me. Taking his chin in my hand, I leaned down toward his face. "Did you take any of these pills and how many did you take?" When he still didn't respond, I dropped my head. "Please answer me." Still nothing,
"Fine, I'll get Nicholas," I sputtered and looked to the door. The sound of him sobbing made me stop. Looking down on him, he had dropped his face into his palms.
Speaking quietly, "I'll be right back."
Then quicker than I could process he grabbed my arm, pulled me in front of him, and pressed his forehead against my stomach. I gasped loudly as his hands took firm hold on my hips. I don't know how long we stayed like that before my mind caught up with everything.
"Did you take any pills?" For a moment, I thought maybe he wouldn't hear me. Then he shook his head against my stomach. Relief flooded through me until his hands slid around my lower back. Circling my waist, he locked me against him.
After standing there a little longer, I tried to pull away, but he pulled closer and lay back on his bed, taking me with him. Fear settled in and I tried to push away. The fear continued to creep from the twists formed in my stomach up through my chest and neck. He rolled so I was on my back and he curled up next to me. Secured to his bed by his left arm over my waist and his left leg wrapped over my shins, he buried his face into my side. Christopher became motionless and I started to relax again.
Once his breathing evened out, I shifted just a little. When he didn't make a sound or a move, I tried to get up. His body locked up and his breath warmed my side.
"Please, don't leave."
I froze not knowing what to do. Part of me screamed to get the hell out, but the other part felt sympathy for him. Sometime during my mental battle, exhaustion won and I slipped to sleep under his iron clasp.
When I woke up next morning, I was alone in Christopher's bed. Rubbing my eyes, I took a deep breath, and got up. All the pills picked up, the bus was empty. Well at least there won't be an uncomfortable silence this morning.
Grabbing some clothes, I headed to the bathroom. After brushing my hair and my teeth, I slipped into some jeans and a t-shirt. Stepping into my shoes, I exited the bus.
As I stepped off the last step Christopher was right there, about to get on. His brow was furrowed. In a split second decision, I decided to treat him the same as I normally would. Ignoring him, I kept walking toward the arena. I wouldn't even know where to begin that conversation.
* * * * *
We didn't typically play the song and Jackson tried to protest, but I needed to do it. After we completed Losses, I caught a glimpse of Mia walking away. Turning, I saw the look on Jackson, Jimmy, and Elliott's face. I scowled at them before we went on with our show.
Once the show was over, I disappeared. I didn't want to hear the questions or have everyone checking on me. If I had, to hear anyone ask me "how are you feeling" or "how are you doing", I would definitely punch them in the face. It was the one drawback to playing the song.
It wasn't easy, but I thwarted Darius and found myself a dark corner in a local bar drinking and drinking a lot. This wasn't something I did, especially on tour. But tonight I couldn't stop. I needed it. Leaning my head back against a wall, I closed my eyes only to be flooded with memories of her, of that night. The anniversary of that night was less than six days away. I only hoped I could consume enough alcohol to fight it all off tonight.
The minute the bartender shut me off, I stumbled back to the arena where the buses parked. A few paparazzi caught sight of me. Their flashes were freaking killing my eyes. Once I was close enough to the arena, a couple of the security guards ran up to help me. I could hear them talking on two way radios, but I wasn't sure what they were saying. Darius appeared with a large scowl on his face and he took in my appearance.
"I don't know why you do this to yourself." He grumbled and carried me toward my bus. He tried to climb onto the bus with me, but I shoved him off.
Stumbling onto the bus, I was prepared for Nicholas to have had someone clean up my destruction from earlier. What I wasn't ready for was Mia, but there she was in her bunk, like nothing happened this morning. I was sure Nicholas would have her moved off the bus after our blow up, especially after the way he went to check on her.
She didn't leave.
All of a sudden, feelings and memories from the bar infected my mind. Kneeling forward onto her bunk the memories seem to numb. I slowly looked over her sleeping face. What was it about her? The feeling was there, the allure pulling me closer and closer. Lying forward against her, she jerked up screaming and shoving me away. When I tried to back away from her, she pushed me completely off the bunk and I fell to the floor.
"Fuhhckk…." Stumbling back up into a standing position, the effect of the alcohol got worse.
Her screaming for me to leave her alone made me focus on her. She had her back pressed to the corner of the bus wall and fear was clear on Mia's face. Memories consumed me. Her fear filled face flashed before my eyes.
"I'm turning into him." Angrily I stumbled to the back of the bus. Reaching the side table for the pill bottle, I lost my balance. The contents of the table landed on the floor around me.
"Christopher?"
I tried to ignore her, sure that she was making sure the coast was clear before bolting off this bus.
"Christopher?"
Fuck, why is she still here?
"Go. Away!" Her fingers grazed my arm. Yanking away from her, I stood, and got in her face. "Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone!"
Dizziness swept over me and threw myself down on the bed, hoping she would just go. I didn't need anyone else to see me in this state.
She spoke again and I sat up, moving to the edge of the bed. The lure grew. My eyes locked onto every movement she made. Nothing could take my eyes from her, every movement like a siren's call.
"Christopher did you take these…." She stopped short and looked at me.
Why wasn't she running? Why wasn't she afraid to be here?
"Christopher. Did you take any of these?"
I couldn't figure her out. Suddenly my chin was in her hand pulling my face to look her straight in the eye.
"Did you take any of these pills and how many did you take?" After my silence, her face dropped with a sigh. "Please answer me."
Still trying to understand, I remained silent. She never did what I thought she would do. Why was she still here? She didn't leave when she had the chance or when I told her to go. She would leave if she knew what you did, what was deep down inside of you.
"Fine, I'll get Nicholas," Mia started toward the door.
I thought of
her and of Gwen. There was no holding it back any longer. Dropping my face into my hands, the sobs bubbled out of my chest.
"I'll be right back" She was trying to reassure me. Reassure me, the person who just scared the shit out of her.
Without thinking, I grabbed her arm, pulled her in front of me, and pressed my head against her. I'm not sure what exactly compelled the action, but I closed my eyes. There was nothing. There was no image, no memories, nothing. I held her in place for a long time. She stayed with me, silently and longer than I expected.
"Did you take any pills?" Shaking my head, I slid my hands around her waist, holding her to me. Afraid she would leave, now that she had her answer, I held tighter.
She finally attempted to move, but I couldn't let her go. It felt like she was the only thing holding off the nightmares waiting behind my eyelids. I lay back on to the bed, taking her with me. Tension filled every one of her muscles and she tried to fight the move. I knew she was afraid and uncertain, but I couldn't let go. Not yet.
I rolled so she was on her back and I curled into her. Making sure she was unable to leave me, I buried my face into her side and closed my eyes. It still wasn't there. The memories, the nightmare, it wasn't there. It was just darkness. My body relaxed into hers.
She shifted a little after we relaxed, but then she tried to get up. I locked up on her. There was no way I could give this up. Not knowing what was waiting for me. Without moving my head out of her side, I spoke.
"Please don't leave" It was muffled, but she heard me. She didn't leave.
When I woke the next morning, I couldn't believe I'd slept the entire night. I slept a whole night without waking up screaming. I haven't slept like that for, hell; I couldn't remember the last time I slept like this. Let alone a night where I slept without pills.
The night came back to me and I dropped my head down to the body pressed mine. Mia was still in bed with me, she hadn't left. Gently pulling my arm off her, I sat up in bed. Running my hand through my hair, I looked over once more to Mia curled up on her side still fast asleep. She didn't leave.
Panic set in. This was too personal. It was too intimate. How did I let this happen? I had to get out of here. Grabbing some clothes on the way out of the room, I showered and dressed. Leaving the bus, I went for a walk to clear my head.
This wasn't in my plan. I didn't need to be an emotional wreck right now.
Maybe having her on the bus was a bad idea. Yeah, it was bad timing to have her on the bus with me. It was so close to…to that night and…it doesn't matter, I'm sticking to the plan. This changes nothing.
About to step onto the bus and make sure she realized that nothing had changed, she stepped off the last step. I furrowed my brow at her, just waiting for her to say something about what happened. She didn't. Her face was completely blank. She ignored me and kept walking toward the arena.
Holy shit, was she really going to pretend it didn't happen? Part of me felt relieved, but a small part was angry with her.
* * * * *
The Salt Lake City concert was amazing. The arena was the largest we'd been in, yet, and the crowd was insane. We had been so into the concert and pushing ourselves on stage that we decided to hang out on the bus and relax afterward.
"So how are things with the lunatic?" Laney giggled and took a drink of her beer.
I rolled my eyes and took a drink of mine. There was no way I was telling them about last night. No way in hell.
"Same ass, same hole" I laughed.
Kat broke into hysterics.
"I don't know how you do it" Serena shook her head. "We really shouldn't have let you get on that bus." She looked apologetic.
"No, I could've just refused." I sighed and took another drink.
"Is the song at least coming along?" Laney asked.
"Sort of," I shrugged. "We haven't worked on it much since the last time I told you about it. I guess we have to work on asshole time." Winking at Laney, she giggled.
"Fuck," Kat breathed out. "He is a real dickhead isn't he?"
"Who is?" All of our heads turned to see Una standing there smirking at us.
"Christopher," I answered nonchalantly "who else?"
"Is he still giving you a hard time?" She came in and sat down with us.
"You could say that, but what else is new?" I stretched my arms over my head. "Once we get this damn song finished I won't have to deal with him like this anymore." I gave her a large smile.
Una stood up.
"Mia can we take a walk?" My face dropped and I instantly got nervous. "Calm down, I just want to talk one on one, you know?" She motioned for me to follow her. Placing my beer on the small table, I followed.
Once we were a good ten feet from the bus she started speaking.
"I want to talk to you a little bit about Christopher."
I nodded.
"Now keep in mind I don't know everything and what I do know isn't much, but I want to give you as much information as possible," she sighed. "I should have talked to you sooner." She looked at me apologetically. "Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but I have to at least tell you."
Now I was even more nervous.
"Christopher didn't come to live with Nicholas until he was around twelve years old and by that time Christopher had many emotional issues. He'd lived with his mother. Neither Christopher nor Nicholas knew of each other. In fact, when Nicholas married Gwen, Christopher would have been at least two years old. Gwen brought with her a son, Jackson, who was almost three." She paused. "Christopher was brought to Nicholas after his mother's death."
"After her death?" I repeated her last words as a question.
"Yes," she answered. "That's really all I know Mia, but perhaps it helps your situation. I'm not sure." She stopped walking and I stopped too.
We turned around and as we walked back to the bus, I tried to absorb and process everything she'd said. She hadn't told me much, but it was enough to make me curious and a little apprehensive.
Laney, Kat, and Serena bombarded me with questions when I got back and I gave them a very brief summary, leaving out some information. Then I claimed to be tired and left to get ready for bed.
Truth was, it was more like exhausted. After dealing with Chris last night, the intense concert, and Una's disclosures, I just wanted to curl up in my favorite blanket. Showering quickly, hoping the hot water would ease my tension, I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before brushing my teeth and hair. Then burying myself into the bunk, I let myself slip into unconsciousness.
I don't know what time it was when I heard Christopher yell out, but my eyes shot open. Fear settled in for a moment. Lying very still, I kept my eyes closed. His door slid open, but I continued to pretend I was sleeping. Even when I his arms slipped under my body and lifted, I kept them closed.
When he lay me down on his bed and climbed next to me, I peeked through half closed eyes. All I saw was the wall across the room and the clock on his nightstand. He was lying behind me and wasn't touching me. My mind was racing, not knowing if I should get up or just lay there.
No longer able to keep my muscles tensed, I shifted around slightly. Christopher moved, but barely. I settled into a comfortable position and didn't get up. Looking back to the clock it was four-thirty. After a few moments I heard heavy even breathes. He was asleep. I wasn't sure if I would wake him, so I just relaxed until I fell back asleep.
Just as the morning before, I woke alone. So, this would become the trend.
Chapter Eight
Once dressed, I stepped out into rainy Denver. The drizzle was constant and the air cold. Shivering I pulled my hooded jacket tighter around my body, wishing I would've worn a sweatshirt too.
"Mia!" Serena ran up to me.
"Hey, what's up?" I smiled, happy to see my sister. We walked toward the arena to grab something from the breakfast table.
"I was listening to the song you left with me and we should rehearse it." She smiled large. "I think it's a really fun, energet
ic song and maybe we can play it tonight – if we nail it in rehearsal."
"Sounds like a plan." She wrapped her arm around mine. Once we finished eating, we found Rob to see about rehearsing on stage.
"Shouldn't be a problem, give me an hour or so, okay?" Nodding to Rob, we walked to the Hush bus.
Kat and I decided to get some exercise, which I hoped would relieve some of the tension and stress in my neck and shoulders. Borrowing some workout clothes from Serena, I avoided running into Christopher at all costs. We went where the choreographer, dancers, and backup singers were working out.
"Hey, mind if we join?" Kat winked at him. The choreographer laughed at her. Then he looked over to me.
"Mia, are you going to behave?" He playfully scowled.
"Who me, why wouldn't I?" I bumped his hip with mine and walked by. Saying hello to our backup singers I noticed a couple unfamiliar faces. Trying to be polite, I gave them a smile. However, there were two bleach-blonde girls giving me dirty looks.
"Uh oh, there goes our normal workout," one backup singer giggled. Her giggle pulled my attention from the bleach-blonde bimbo twins.
I scoffed playfully. "Why does everyone assume I'm such a terror?"
"I wouldn't say you're a terror." She stretched her arms over her head.
"You just like to change my established workout routine." The choreographer interrupted and finished.
"Aww, you love it. It keeps it interesting." I smiled like a Cheshire cat.
He laughed and handed me the remote to the radio.
"You might as well take it now."
Grabbing the remote, I hit the play button. The choreographer smiled and then started to instruct us with tension bands and lunges. After a few more songs and way too many squats and leg thrusts, I was dripping sweat and ready to terrorize.
Starting to dance around, I got Kat, the choreographer and the rest to abandon the workout routine. We danced around each other, hopped, and grinded against each other. Closing my eyes I just let my mind go blank, letting myself get lost in the music. The tension started to slip away and invigoration took its place.
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