Falling Stars

by Grubor, Sadie

  Nodding in agreement, my mind was still stuck on 'gone from your life'. She would eventually leave too.

  "No, it's not just a nod I need from you, Christopher. You need to understand. It's time for you to work up to talking about it. If she is the one you trust and she already knows the story from others telling it, maybe –"

  She would definitely leave if she knew the truth. I wasn't good and as soon as she about the monster, she would run.

  "NO," Leaning forward, I leered at him. "I don't want to talk about it, with anyone. I don't want –"

  "To relive the same memory you already relive every time you go to sleep." With a small amount of sarcasm, he finished my sentence for me.

  Tightly clenching my eyes, I put my head into my hands. His hand came down gently on my shoulder.

  "I know it's hard, but you need to let it go. It's not the only thing you have left."

  Her image flashed into my head, holding me and rubbing my head.

  "Let the guilt go and fight through the pain and hurt."

  Unable to move, I swallowed the sobs and squeezed the tears back.

  Having cried enough, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want it to go away, but I can't. How can I let her go, when it's my fault? I deserve this punishment.

  "How many people have you loved Christopher?" His question caught me off guard. Turning and examining his face for a moment, to check he had really asked the question. "Have you ever been in love with someone?"

  "I don't know."

  "You don't know? How do you not know?" He looked puzzled. "Obviously you loved your mother. Did you love your fath…urm…step-father?"

  Rage erupted throughout my chest wrapping around my arms until my fists balled. How could he ask about that asshole? I fought the urge to beat the shit out of him. That son of a bitch took her from me.

  "It's okay to have loved him. He was your father and he wasn't always the monster you remember, right?"

  I tried to fight them, to hold them in, but still hot tears streamed down my cheek. Shaking my head, I refused to remember him as someone I didn't hate.

  "It's okay to have loved him. Your love for him has nothing nor had anything to do with what happened. They are two different things in themselves. Do you understand?"

  I nodded to placate.

  "Look at me."

  My eyes stayed hidden in the darkness of my lids.

  "Look. At. Me."

  Yielding to his request, I slowly parted my lashes and looked through my tears.

  "Nothing to do with it." His face was assertive.

  Another tear streamed down. Licking at my dry lips the taste of saltiness registered on my tongue.

  "Have you ever been in love with someone?" he asked, again.

  I shrugged.

  "I-I don't think so." Choking on a sob, I coughed to cover it.

  "Why do you think that is?" Still unable to speak clearly, I shrugged. "Are you afraid to lose them or that you'll hurt them?"

  The acceleration of my heart pounded between my ears.

  "Okay, why don't we stop? You seem to have had enough, besides I'm sure you want to enjoy some of your free time." He stood.

  "No."

  "What?" The attempt to cover his surprise in my response was inane.

  "No, I've never been in love with anyone." Hoping to clear my head, I inhaled deeply. "I can't see them get hurt or watch them leave. I don't deserve love."

  Slowly, he sat back into his seat. Silence hung in the air. He hadn't prepared for that response. Somewhere deep down inside of me, the cocky bastard relished it.

  "Life and love is all a risk. You have to accept it all. What happened when you were younger wasn't because of you or because of love. It was because of a bad situation that one person couldn't deal with. Not because of you, you defended yourself." His hand lightly grasped my forearm as he stood again.

  Grimacing at his words, he wouldn't say this shit if he knew the truth.

  "Christopher, you speak as if you're already sure you'll cause the downfall of a relationship. You are a good man. You just need to realize it."

  A loud snort escaped in response. I was not a good man. I was something entirely different, something that would change the way everyone saw me.

  Another long silence filled the room. Doc lightly cleared his throat.

  "I'll see you the day after the concert, right?"

  I nodded my head, unable to speak, unable to get pass the monster living inside of me and keeping our secret.

  "Have a good evening," Dr. J departed the room.

  Reeling from the conversation and his questions, I lay back against the couch. Why do I feel comforted by her? Why would I trust her? I barely know her. What draws me to her? Did the monster in me just want to destroy her?

  "I can't spend all day obsessing over this shit," Growling into the empty suite, I stood from the couch.

  A glance at my watch told me dinner was in a few hours. With all the pent up tension, I had Darius set me up in the hotel fitness center and escort me down. Some weights and hopefully a punching bag would provide some relief.

  Sore from pushing myself hard, the hot shower washed away some of the tension in my muscles. My phone beeped while I was in the shower and when I finally checked it, there was a text from Jackson.

  'Going out for dinner. Lobby 45 minutes.'

  The message was from fifteen minutes ago, so I had a half hour to shave and get dressed.

  Taking out the spikes pierced into my lower lip, I began to lather up my face. My eyes settled on the reflection. Everything morphed into the monster inside me. Closing my eyes and gripping the sink, I forced myself through the rest of the shave. Once finished, I was quick to dress and meet the guys in the lobby.

  Sitting in one of the private areas of a restaurant, there was laughter from the other side of the room. Elliott stood up and looked. He was such a nosey bastard.

  "Elli!" a familiar voice called out.

  Elliott's face lit up and he waved. Jackson stood next and laughed before sitting down with a shake of his head.

  "It's the girls," he chuckled.

  "Elliott, sit down," I spit out. Idiot was making a fool of himself.

  He sat down with a glare directed at me. "Chill the fuck out."

  After finishing dinner we sat talking about the tour, shared ideas for new songs, and other band related topics. It was hard to focus on the conversation, my mind kept drifting back to my session with the doctor. The questions and statements he made plaguing my thoughts.

  "Uh oh."

  Looking up at Jackson's outburst, my eyes followed his. He was watching Elliott stand up with a look of death.

  "Wha –?"

  "Shit, grab him!" Jackson was out of his chair and trying to grasp Elliott's arm.

  Now that the restaurant had started to empty out, Elliott had clear line of sight to the girl's table. There were three guys there, and by the look on Kat and Mia's faces, they weren't welcome.

  One guy slid down next to Serena, putting his arm over her shoulders. She scooted away, removing his arm when his other hand went to her thigh. She scowled, the distinct words 'don't touch me' on her lips.

  Elliott was like a juggernaut, reaching their table before either of the bodyguards could get to the harasser. He lifted the guy from next to Serena and shoved him away. Serena grabbed Elliott's arm and tried to calm him down.

  That guy was about to get the ass beating of a lifetime.

  The guys started to get vocal, so Jackson, Jimmy, and I walked over. Mainly going to stand between them and Elliott, we had to protect this guy from death and Elliott going to jail.

  The guy and his group were finally escorted away by restaurant security and our bodyguards. We paid the bill and left. Elliott stayed with Serena, riding back to the hotel with her instead of in our car.

  Slowly walking through the lobby, exhaustion began creeping up on me once again. Out of the corner of my eye, Mia and Kat passed by, arm in arm and walking fun
ny. It looked like they were trying to trip the other one. I didn't understand the reason, but I felt the corner of my mouth turn up anyways listening to them laugh with each other.

  Then Mia jumped on Kat's back and demanded a piggyback ride into the elevator. Laughter was prevalent before we met them on the floor of the elevator in a pile.

  Are they drunk?

  Mia stood up quickly, helping Kat. Everyone in our group and passer's by were laughing or scowling in disapproval.

  I stayed at the back of the elevator while the rest exited. Jackson’s arm around Laney, he followed her into her room. The giant and the elf, it was an unusual pairing, in my opinion. Jimmy followed closely.

  Elliott had his hand in Serena's back pocket and held her close to his side. After tonight, he was showing everyone she was with him. The claim he was staking on her was alarming. This was Elliott and he didn't stick with one girl.

  Kat and Mia were walking behind Serena and Elliott mimicking them. Kat had her hand in Mia's back pocket and Mia curled up to Kat's side making kissing noises. Serena looked back and glared at them.

  "Will you two grow up?" She tried to be mad, but when Mia ran up and kissed her on the cheek, she smiled and shook her head.

  I was like a peeping tom watching them, the outsider to their friendships.

  Everyone entered the girl's suite. Unsure if I should or wanted to follow, I hesitated. Kat surprised me when her hand wrapped around my arm and pulled me. With a wink, she smiled.

  Laney was already passing out beers as everyone found a seat. Jackson, Laney and Kat were on the couch. Elliott secured Serena to his lap. Grabbing the empty chair closest to me, Mia appeared and sat on Kat's lap.

  "Ah thanks babe!" She giggled.

  "I swear to God I'm going to kill you two," Serena growled.

  Kat, Laney, and Mia laughed. Moving, Mia took a spot on the floor. Jimmy sat down next to her.

  "Okay, so I think we should learn more about each other," Laney said enthusiastically. The girls groaned. Laney scowled at them.

  "What are we missing?" Jimmy questioned.

  "That's Laney code for playing a stupid game." Kat rolled her eyes and took a swig of beer.

  "They're not stupid. I bet we could learn a lot about everyone." She crossed her arms over her chest and sat back. Jackson pulled her over and planted a kiss on the top of her head. Her anger quickly melted.

  Is that being in love? Or is it this caveman style Elliott demonstrates? Maybe, I'm not capable.

  "No," Kat stated. "Let's just watch a movie or something."

  "I'm going to get pajamas on, so you guys can figure out what you're going to do." Mia stood and left the room.

  My fingers twitched to touch her when she walked by me. Jackson saved me from obsessing over the reaction.

  "I think that sounds like a good idea." Jackson stood up and turned back to Laney "Care to join me?" he wiggled his eyebrows, pulling Laney from the couch.

  "Um, my pajamas are in my room." She motioned to her door with a tilt of her head.

  "Did I forget to mention your pajamas are optional?" He winked and she giggled.

  I rolled my eyes as they left.

  "Alone time sounds fan-fucking-tastic!" Elliott stood. Serena slipped off his lap. He bent forward and threw her over his shoulder, carrying her toward her room.

  "Elliott! Put me down!" A loud smack echoed through the room.

  Mia entered the room just as Serena and Elliott were going through the bedroom door.

  "Don't knock her up! She's not a nice pregnant woman." Kat yelled.

  "Ahhhhh…She's going to kill you!" Mia laughed.

  "Damn straight I am," Serena yelled just before her door slam shut.

  I grinned and everyone else laughed.

  "I'm not tired." Kat groaned. "Want to go play pool?" She looked at Mia.

  "Do I look dressed for going down to the bar?" Mia motioned down to her loose cotton pants covered in polka dots and tank top.

  "Sure," Kat smiled.

  "Okay." Mia shrugged and slipped on some flip-flops. Jimmy and I both stood.

  Turning, I watched her pull on a sweatshirt. I preferred the tank top.

  "Are you really going down there like that?" Jimmy raised his eyebrow.

  Mia shrugged, "Why not?" She grinned widely and walked out the door. Kat, Jimmy and I followed.

  Kat was good at pool; however, Mia was really bad. However, she seemed to embrace it. She kept doing these weird shots, putting the stick behind her back, blind folding herself with a napkin, turning around backwards to shoot, and at one point she lifted her leg onto the table and shot from underneath.

  Shaking my head, I observed their antics.

  "What?" Jimmy bumped me in the arm and leaned onto our pool table.

  "Nothing," I shrugged. "They just goof off a lot."

  "You could use a good dose of what they have going, trust me." He lightly hit my shoulder. "Your shot."

  Turning around, I lined up my stick. Hands run up my back and I jerked around quickly, causing me to scratch. Jimmy snorted. I growled at the familiar blue eyes.

  "Hey there, Chrissie," she smiled up to me and batted her eyelashes, leaning into my chest. From behind me, Jimmy stifled his laughter.

  "Tonya, you know I hate that nickname."

  She leaned in closer and pouted up at me. I was about to say something else, but Kat was behind her imitating Tonya's pout face. I fought from laughing, but Jimmy burst.

  "What are you doing here?"

  "You don't sound happy to see me," she was trying to be seductive now.

  "That didn't answer my question." I rolled my eyes.

  "Richard wanted to make a visit to see how things were going, so he asked me to accompany him, as his assistant, for the trip." She shrugged "You know."

  "Yeah." Pulling away from her, I turned back the table.

  There were hushed voices behind me as I took my next shot. When I stood and walked around the table Mia was gone. I was going to ask, but just let it go. It wasn't my business anyway.

  After another hour of shooting pool and losing fifty dollars to Kat, while also pushing Tonya off me, I retreated to my room. Once there I could hear giggling coming from Jackson's room. Jumping in the shower, I hoped it would be over when I got out. They weren't.

  Throwing on a pair of pajama bottoms and t-shirt, I sat on my bed for a moment contemplating my next move. She let me in this afternoon. Would she let me tonight?

  One loud moan from Jackson's room was all the motivation I needed. Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of my suite in the direction of hers.

  Just as I was about to reach the door, Kat came walking up. She smiled easily and opened the door, gesturing for me to enter. Stopping just a few steps into the room, Kat brushed by me and knocked on Mia's door. Then she kept walking.

  "Come in." The closed door muffled her voice.

  Grabbing the door knob, I ran my other hand through my damp hair and opened. She looked up from her laptop. Waiting, I gauged her reaction. She looked conflicted for about half a minute before she gave me half a smile and patted the empty side of the bed.

  After lying down, I looked over and watched her.

  "What are you doing?"

  She jumped a little and looked down at me in disbelief.

  "What?"

  "Um...Nothing," she turned back around to her laptop screen.

  "No…what?" I insisted. "I didn't mean to scare you."

  "I know," she shrugged. "You just…I mean, usually you're asleep right after you lie down. I wasn't expecting you to speak." She kept her eyes on her computer. The discomfort between us grew tenfold.

  Something in me started to churn, wanting her to look at me. Her quiet behavior with me was so different from who she was with Kat, Jackson, or any of the others for that matter. It took me a moment to realize I felt bad, maybe even hurt, by it. There was no way that was right though. Why would it hurt me? Christ, I needed some sleep.

  "Oh," was my most b
rilliant response. "You still didn't answer my question," I reminded.

  "Um…yeah," she paused and I swear she blushed. "Don't make fun of me, okay?"

  She turned her eyes on me and in that moment I couldn't think straight enough to talk, I just nodded.

  "I have a small addiction to two things on the internet," she paused and rubbed her face, which broke my stare. "Gossip websites and YouTube" she half smiled with a crinkled nose and a light blush.

  That blush was so appealing on her round cheeks. I'd never really looked at her close enough until this moment. Her dark eyes weren't so haunting, but beautifully deep. The shape of her face and the way her bottom lip pouted more than the top was so…so perfect. The twitch of my hand occurred again, longing to touch her face.

  She started chewing on her pouted lip. This pulled me from my thoughts. She was obviously uncomfortable with the way I had been looking so intensely. I felt like an idiot.

  "So, are they saying anything good?" Rolling onto my left side, I looked at her computer screen, trying to relieve the discomfort.

  "Not really, just the same stuff," she nervously turned back to the screen and started watching a video. Following a white wire connected to the laptop, I realized she had earphones in one ear.

  "What's the 'same stuff'?" Curiosity had gotten the best of me, especially when her posture stiffened a little.

  "Oh you know same big star couples splitting and hooking up." She laughed nervously and waved it off.

  "What couples?"

  "The usual ones," she paused, "That's why I've switched over to YouTube."

  I let her change the topic, but was still curious. Typically, I didn't scour the internet for celebrity gossip, but now I really wanted to know.

  "Can you turn the sound on?" She nodded and unplugged the headphones.

  We stayed in those positions watching people who posted their homemade videos; music, pranks, skits, bloopers, etc. Mia laughed hysterically at some of them. Laughed with her a couple of times felt good.

  Then she pulled up videos people had made singing or dancing to my music. She was almost in tears over a forty something year old guy in an excessively small Forgotten t-shirt. This guy sang, horribly, and even I had to burst into laughter when he smacked his own ass.