And Berry Came Too

by Dornford Yates

  “Now isn’t that funny?” said Len. He jerked his head at the other, shaking with mirth. “If you were to ask Winnie here, he’d say that you’d got across me.”

  “Would he, indeed?” said I. “And how would he work that out?”

  Len wrinkled a sinister brow.

  “I’ll give you two guesses,” he said. “And here’s a hint. When I show a squirt what I want – well, I don’t like disobedience, and that’s a fact.”

  “I’m like that, too,” said I. “When I cold-shoulder a swine, I expect to be left alone.”

  Winnie was plucking his lip as the blood came surging into his fellow’s face. As the latter lurched forward he set a hand on his arm. Len shook him off and came on.

  I began to draw back my right arm…

  And then I saw the pistol.

  “Did you say ‘swine’?” said Len, and thrust the mouth of his weapon beneath my belt.

  White in the face, the unfortunate Winnie gave tongue.

  “He isn’t worth it, Len. Don’t do him in.”

  At the risk of seeming ungrateful, I must confess my belief – that Winnie was thinking more of his safety than mine. Be that as it may, at that most critical moment, we all of us heard Berry coming – over the cobbled yard.

  Before I could think—

  “Breathe a word,” hissed Len, “and I drill your guts.”

  All things considered, it seemed better to let Berry ‘buy it’ than lose my life.

  We heard him come straight to the door.

  Then—

  “Boy,” he said, “are you there?” and struck the oak with his fist.

  At once Len drew the latch and opened the door: as it moved, this screened us both from the stableyard. As Berry stepped into the room, Len thrust me back with his left hand with all his might – thus slamming the door behind Berry and putting me back in my place. In that same moment he must have gone backwards himself, for I know he was well out of reach in the midst of the room: but his movement had been so swift that I never saw him make it, close as I was – and I think that that did him great credit, for he was a heavy man.

  “Now isn’t that nice?” said Berry.

  Len looked him up and down.

  “You gave it that name,” he said shortly.

  “Well, don’t you think so? I mean you and your fish-faced friend with the bit of glass on his tie have been trying to bring this off for over an hour.”

  “Bring what off?”

  “Forgive me,” said Berry, “but I thought you desired our acquaintance. I mean, recent events were suggesting that that was at the back of your mind. And permit me to say that had we been by ourselves, you would have attained your ambition some twenty-five miles from here. But the ladies disliked your appearance – you know what women are. I argued with them, you know. I said I was perfectly sure that you couldn’t be as vile as you looked. But I could do nothing with them.” He took out a cigarette. “I don’t mind a felon, myself, if he knows his place. And I’m told that you and your, er, familiar are right at the top of the tree. The police spoke most warmly about you.”

  “Very kind of them,” said Len, grimly.

  “They did indeed,” said Berry. “I don’t know your names, of course, but the moment I said ‘a dirty, over-dressed Hebrew with beady eyes and a most engaging habit of sucking his teeth,’ they got you at once. All the same, I wish…”

  “Messrs Len and Winnie,” said I, “my brother-in-law.”

  “Not the Pooh?” said Berry. “It can’t be. He never had heart-disease.”

  “What’s that?” said Winnie, starting.

  “Well advanced,” said Berry, “if you ask me. I should try and avoid excitement of any kind. I told the police that if they wanted to get you, they’d better look sharp.”

  Winnie turned an unearthly green.

  “It’s a lie,” he mouthed. “It’s a—”

  His fellow rounded upon him.

  “Cut it out,” he spat, “you —.”

  “He can’t,” said Berry, mournfully. “An operation would be futile. The anaesthetic alone would—”

  “And you.”

  Berry raised his eyebrows.

  “I like to think,” he said, “that you will reconsider the propriety of that remark. That you’ve gone a long way to meet me, I don’t deny: but this interview was not of my seeking, and that I receive you at all argues a broad-mindedness on my part which many would consider quixotic or even undignified. Yes, I see the rod: but I don’t think you’ll let it off. You see, if you did – well, Colyer would know who’d done it. He was that nice inspector who spoke so warmly of you. ‘Blackguards,’ he said. ‘Two of the wickedest blackguards that ever walked into a trap.’ So he’s got you taped, hasn’t he? And what with the Press and the wireless—”

  “Say that again.”

  My brother-in-law sighed.

  “I do wish you’d listen,” he said. “I hate repeating myself. Never mind. How far did you get?”

  “Wot the police said.”

  “About the blackguards?” said Berry. “Two of the ugliest blackguards that ever walked out of a trap?”

  “‘Out of’ or ‘into’?”

  Berry put a hand to his head.

  “‘Into,’ I think. I’m not sure. It was one or the other, I know. Wait a minute. We’d been talking of flogging. Some prisoners, he said, never eat the day before they’re to be flogged. No appetite, you know. Now I find that very peculiar. You can understand a man toying with his breakfast upon the morning itself, but—”

  “Gawd ’elp,” said Winnie, and wiped the sweat from his face.

  Len cursed him savagely. Then he returned to Berry, who was lighting his cigarette.

  “Wot did he say?” he demanded.

  “‘Gawd ’elp,’” said Berry, staring. “I suppose it to be a prayer. All the same, I can’t help feeling—”

  “The busy,” yelled Len. “The busy. Wot was it the busy said?”

  My brother-in-law frowned.

  “Is that a conundrum?” he said.

  “It’s a – question,” raged Len.

  “Then it’s one I can’t answer,” said Berry. “The, er, species is new to me. Busy. Is it anything like the blow-fly?”

  “Policeman,” howled Len. “Inspector. The one that was talking to you.”

  “What, about the blackguards?” said Berry. “I thought we’d finished with that.”

  “Well, we haven’t,” blared Len. “Go on.”

  “I do wish you’d listen,” said Berry. “I’ve told you twice.” A hand went up to his brow. “It’s gone out of my head now. I shall have to go back.” As though to assist concentration, he closed his eyes. “The inspector asked what you looked like, and I asked him if he’d ever been to the Zoo.”

  “You can cut that bit,” said Len, thickly.

  Berry opened his eyes.

  “There you are,” he said. “You’ve spoiled it. It was all coming back, and you’ve torn it. I had the whole scene before me – and now it’s gone.” He shrugged his shoulders. “You request me to try to recapture—”

  “I asked wot he said,” – violently.

  “And I’m trying to tell you,” said Berry. “Please don’t conceive that it’s any pleasure to me. The whole thing’s intensely odious. But though it means nothing to me, it appears to mean something to you. Out of pure courtesy, therefore – an instinct which in your case, as, indeed, in that of the warthog, appears to be lamentably undeveloped – I determined to accede to a request the inconvenience of which I am unable to estimate except in terms so bitter that I prefer to leave them to your stunted imagination. And now, for the last time, am I or am I not to endeavour to do as you wish?”

  Len maintained a furious silence.

  “Very well,” said Berry, “I will. But if you interrupt me again, you can ask till your eyes come out and all you’ll get will be small talk about cremation or what your father said when he saw you first.”

  With that, he set hi
s back to the wall and, once more closing his eyes, appeared to devote himself to recalling the past.

  After an appropriate silence he opened his lips.

  “The inspector asked me to describe you, and I said that only your death masks could ever do that – and that even then everybody would say they were faked. And then I asked him if he’d ever been to the Zoo. That’s right, and he said yes, he knew it quite well. And then I said, ‘Well, forget it. If the animals saw these two coming, they’d eat their young.’” Len’s face was working, and even Winnie produced an indignant stare. Berry proceeded relentlessly. “‘I’ve got them,’ said the inspector. ‘Outside Hell, there’s only one pair like that. Is the fat one dressed up like a nigger on Saturday night?’ ‘That’s right,’ said I, ‘and his ears are twice life-size, and the other’s nose has spread all over his face. He’s pale as cheese – that’s his heart: but the other – well, what about a couple of oysters afloat in a bucket of blood?’ ‘They’re the blackguards,’ said Colyer.” Despite himself, Len leaned forward. “Two of the lousiest blackguards that ever walked.”

  Berry opened his eyes and looked round.

  “That’s all,” he said comfortably.

  The explosion which followed this statement will hardly go into words. More black than red in the face, Len let himself go. Spouting the most shocking imprecations, he denounced with hideous metaphor the whole of the human race, but more especially the police and my brother-in-law. The latter’s future he painted in blood and foam, scouring the dregs of abuse to gain his effect, but when Winnie made bold to support him in his attack, he turned and rent him with a fury which had to be heard to be believed.

  When at last he had made an end—

  “Not bad,” said Berry, coolly. “A shade too florid for me, but anyone could see what you meant. And what do we all do now? I can’t ask you into the house, because the carpets are clean.”

  The apology was blasphemously received.

  “Quite so,” said Berry, “quite so. Never mind. Sit down on that chair, won’t you? If the servants can’t get it off, it can always be burnt. You see, we’re at your disposal. I want you to remember this visit in case you should be prevented from coming again.”

  With an effort Len mastered his voice. “You’ve got me wrong,” he said. “You’re not on my visiting-list. I’m here because I’m here – and that’s a good enough reason for dirt like you. And now I’ve seen what I came for, I guess I’ll go. Pass over the keys of that Rolls. She’ll do well enough to lift me to where I got out of my car.”

  His announcement took me aback, as well it might.

  The man was evil-disposed. He had observed us at supper and had at that time determined to commit against us some trespass by force of arms. This he had purposed to do on the open road. To prevent our escape, he had tampered with one of our tyres. When this precaution had failed, he had risked his life in an effort to overtake us and stop us by the side of the way. Failing in this, he had actually driven to White Ladies, and, taking advantage of the fact that I had gone a roundabout way, had ensconced himself in the stables before we arrived. And now, after all this trouble, he was proposing to leave…

  He had, of course, no intention of stealing the Rolls. Such a theft would have been suicidal. He might as well have walked to the nearest jail.

  If I felt more bewildered than ever, I may, I think, be excused.

  (Here, perhaps, I should say that he must have obtained our address from the papers we kept in the Rolls. These, no doubt, he perused, whilst we were taking our ease on the riverside.)

  My brother-in-law nodded.

  “I see,” he said slowly. And then, “What’s wrong with your car?”

  “Nothing,” said Len. “I guess you can swear to that.”

  Berry raised his eyebrows.

  “It’s a question of preference, is it? You like ours best.”

  Len turned his attention to me.

  “Hand over those — keys. You’ll find the car where I leave it – along the road.”

  “Yes, that’s easy,” said Berry. “That’s easy. But how do we know? To be perfectly candid, that car is worth the best part of three thousand pounds, and I wouldn’t trust either of you with a basket of rotten eggs. Besides, you came here on foot.”

  “An’ I’m driving back,” raved Len. “In the furniture van wot cost you three thousand pounds. And if that’s too tough to chew, I guess you can swallow it whole.”

  “But how rude,” said Berry. “Never mind. You’d much better walk. If you’d walked more in the past, you’d look less misshapen today.”

  Like some dreadful Bull of Basan, Len gaped upon me with his mouth. After a speechless moment—

  “I’m waiting,” he said shakily.

  I leaned against the door and folded my arms.

  “Winnie,” said Len, “go through him and get those keys,” and, with that, he levelled his pistol, to keep me still.

  “Don’t you, Winnie,” said Berry. “If you do, I shall make it exciting – and that will be bad for your heart.”

  The unfortunate Winnie blenched.

  “F-fetch him over to me,” he stammered. “I can’t do it there.”

  “You do as I tell you,” howled Len, “you white-livered scum.”

  I saw the sweat break upon Winnie’s repulsive brow.

  “’Ow can I—”

  “You can’t,” said Berry. “You’d be between me and the gun. And that would be terribly exciting.” A change came into his voice. “And another thing. From this time on you will take your orders from me.

  “What’s that?”

  Len spat the words rather than said them.

  “You, too,” said Berry, coldly. “We’ve got you stuck, and you know it. As I told you five minutes ago, you dare not fire. If you did, you’d be laid by the heels within twenty-four hours. And you can’t afford that. They’re simply stamping to get you – on any charge. And ‘attempted murder’ would suit them down to the socks. In fact, you’ve only one card.” I saw Len blink. “And it’s Lombard Street to a lemon you’ve no idea what it is.”

  There was an eloquent silence.

  Berry continued quietly.

  “Because it suits my book, I’m going to show you this card: but before I do so, I’m going to clear the air. ‘Clear’ it, I say. Not ‘clean’ it. I can’t do that. If they sank you two in a cesspool, they’d turn it sour.”

  “See here—”

  “Silence!” barked Berry. “I let you state your case a moment ago. I let you foul my ears with your filthy tongue, and I never said one word until you were out of breath. And now it’s my turn…

  “I know who you are, you two: and I know your stinking trade. Ghouls feed upon the bodies of men: but at least they wait until the bodies are dead. But you feed upon the living – a very unpleasant thought. You meant to ply your poisonous trade tonight. You meant to levy blackmail…” Again I saw Len blink. “But now you’re here and you’ve seen the shape of this place, you know that you’re on a loser – and so you propose to withdraw.

  “Well, that’s all right for you, but what about us? What about the nail in our tyre? What about being chased for five miles on the open road? And then you’ve the blasted nerve to enter our premises. And when we catch you out, you pull out a gun… And I am a magistrate. I’ve only to sign a warrant—”

  “Wot for?”

  “Have you ever heard the phrase ‘felonious intent’? Yes, I thought you had. It covers a lot of sins. Of course you could say that you only came here to chase moths. But I don’t think the jury’d believe you: and once your record was known…

  “And now I’ll show you your card – the only card that you hold. I do not want to alarm the ladies who dwell in this house. You see, you two together are like a bad dream – a sort of hideous nightmare, which one does one’s best to forget. Well, they had that dream at supper, because you were there in the room: but they’ve no idea it pursued them, and they must have no idea that it is within a
stone’s throw of where they are sitting now.

  “Now they know that we left for the stables: unless we return very soon, I think they will come themselves to see if there’s anything wrong. And since that must not happen, my brother-in-law and I are now going back to the house. In ten minutes’ time, however, we shall make some excuse to return – to make sure you are gone. And I warn you that, when we come back, we shall carry a pistol apiece. What is more, knowing you to be armed, we shall take the obvious precaution of firing at sight. I, therefore, recommend you to make the most of this chance and go as you came.” He glanced at his wrist. “It is now six minutes to one. If we find you here, my friends, at five minutes past, the balloon will go up with a bang. It goes without saying that that would be bad for Winnie: but I give you my word that it won’t be too good for you.”

  With that, he opened the door, ushered me into the yard, slammed the door behind him and took my arm.

  In silence, we crossed the yard, whilst I was still asking myself what the truth of the matter might be.

  Berry had played a truly magnificent game – that fact stood out as mountains against the dawn. What bothered me was that I did not know the rules of the game. I could not understand what was really afoot. From what Colyer had said, I assumed that the two were smugglers: Berry, however, had laid a charge of blackmail. But why were they there, in the coach house? Why…

  “Poor old fellow,” said Berry. “You’ve had a hell of a time. You see, I knew where I was. And I knew what cards they were holding: and when you’re playing poker – well, that’s a deuce of a help.”

  “But I don’t understand—”

  “How should you? But for Jonah, I shouldn’t be wise myself. And now step out. I’ll talk as we go along.”

  “Where to?”

  “To where they’ve left the Lowland. The last act’s about to begin, and, if Jonah’s had any luck, it’s going to be pretty good.”

  I put a hand to my head.

  “You spoke of blackmail.”

  “Hot air,” said Berry. “I wanted to ease their minds. I daresay they do a bit, but it’s not their trade.”

  “Which is…?”

  “Dope,” said Berry. “Distributing dope to addicts – and making a steady profit of four or five thousand per cent.”