Deepest Scars: A Being Me Stand-Alone Companion Novel

by Tricia Copeland

  “Sure.” Josie lifts her phone and starts texting.

  It isn’t much of a game as the D-backs are up by seven. Josie wants to get some pictures and slides between me and Liz for a group selfie. When we spin to sit down, she takes the seat beside me.

  “No one wants to go out. I think I have to leave my car here. Can you drive me home?”

  “Sure. Don’t want anyone drinking and driving,” I tell her. Of course, because I’m that guy. Anybody else would have asked her to get a taxi or something.

  “It’s getting late. I’m going to head out.” Liz stands and stretches.

  “Really, well, are you ready to go, Josie?” I ask.

  “Sure, I guess I can finish my drink on the walk.”

  “Great, we can all walk out together.” I step into the walkway, waiting for them to file out in front of me. Outside, it’s still warm, but the sun has set, making it bearable. “Where are you parked, Liz?”

  “I took the train.”

  “Well, you’re near me, so why don’t you ride with me too?”

  “Nah, I’m good. I’ll catch you guys tomorrow.” She points at the train station and turns back to me. “Thanks for the tickets. It was a great time.”

  “No problem. See you tomorrow.” I wave to her as she walks away.

  “Well, that was weird.” Josie finishes the last of her drink.

  “Why do you say that?”

  “Well, like a threesome, but so not.”

  “Eh.” I take a step away from her.

  “Well, now I’m officially offended.”

  “No, I didn’t mean that.” Not wanting to know her train of thought, I don’t say more.

  Her place is not too much out of the way. At least it’s on the north side. She goes on about the Grand Canyon trip and how amazing it will be. “Hey.” She turns to me as I pull up in the drive. “Are you working nights next week?”

  “Not sure yet.”

  “We should hang out one night.”

  “I’ll have to look at my schedule. Nights are tough with volleyball and working twelve-hour shifts.” I think I might have to pick up some night shifts to get out of a meetup with her.

  “Well, I’ll text the group then.” She heaves open the door when I pull into her parking lot. “Goodnight, and thanks for the tickets.”

  “Yep, see you tomorrow.”

  The next morning at the hike meetup, Josie is absent.

  Sam approaches me. “Josie come to the game last night?”

  “Yeah, she got a few drinks in her. Might not be feeling so great this morning.”

  “Well, that’s a bummer.”

  I nod. “Yeah, well, we all got to let loose every once in a while.”

  “I don’t know. You seem like a pretty controlled guy.” She taps her fist to my bicep.

  “I spent college having fun. Got to pay the bills now.”

  “I guess.” She shrugs.

  I wander over to where Liz is, happy for the respite from Josie. “How are you?”

  “Still fielding questions from my”—her head bobs and she shakes her phone—“Dad about last night.”

  “Let me know when he’s coming, and I’ll get some tickets.”

  Jeff calls the group to order and gives me a hard time about not being late. There are some laughs, and we hit the trail. I file in behind Liz, but she doesn’t say anything, so I respect her silence.

  The more I’m around her, the more time I want to spend with her. She joins us for brunch, but it’s a big group, and Sam nabs a chair beside me. Get a life, I tell myself. Maybe Liz isn’t attracted to you. Perhaps she’s not feeling it like you are. I wonder if I should make a move, ask for her number or something. But I let that window of opportunity pass. Afterwards, I follow my normal Saturday routine with a workout, short nap, and dash to the stadium.

  “So, how did last night go with the girl?” Carlos asks as I find him at my station.

  “Are you kidding? You were nearly sidelined for the season and you’re asking about a girl?”

  “Nah, it’s not that bad.”

  “How is Eva?” I ask.

  “Oh, you know her, always overreacting.”

  I tape him up, even though I know he’s not in the lineup. They have him on one-hundred percent bench, not even allowed to warm up with the team.

  “So, nothing about the girl?” Carlos hops off the table.

  “Yeah, I don’t know. I’m not sure why I’m attracted to her. It’s not like she’s hotter than Mia or this girl Celeste, who are definitely interested.”

  “It’s like that sometimes. Love doesn’t follow any formula. You got to go with it.” He slaps me on the back. “Ask her out.”

  The dreaded L word. I’m not falling for Liz or anyone else for a long time, that I know. I wonder why I’m not out having tons of sex. Isn’t that what you do when someone breaks your heart? Compensate with meaningless hookups. Certainly, Doug is handling his breakup that way. His social media profile is littered with pictures of him and amazing-looking broads. But he’s more prone to extremes than I am.

  I move to the next task, and the night passes. Waking at seven the next morning, I check for meetups later in the day. I sign up for a sunset bike ride when I see Jeff’s name on the roster. Mom phones, and I clean my place and then head to the gym. After the gym, I find a bike shop, buy a pair of shoes and a helmet, get an hour lesson, and rent a demo bike. I figure I’ll get to the trail early and ride before everyone gets there. Mitchell and I play some basketball, and then I grab some dinner at my apartment. It feels like I’ve become a weekend warrior, but when weekends are one-day long, I must cram everything in.

  I’m happy about the bike meetup, as I’ve been wanting to start mountain biking. This is the kick I needed to do it. An hour before the scheduled time, I pull into the dirt lot. It’s full, but I snag a spot at the end. A quick look at the map tells me there’s an easy loop, and I head out. The sales guy talked me into shorts and some gloves, and after a few minutes on the trail, I’m grateful. Before long, I’m zipping over the landscape like I’d been doing this all my life. I switch to a more technical single-track loop, which works my muscles more. By the time the group ride is supposed to start, I’m soaked with sweat but having so much fun.

  “Hey,” Jeff greets me as I approach. “I saw your name on the list. Decided to take the biking plunge? Is there anything you can’t do?”

  “This is a blast.”

  “That’s a sweet bike.”

  “Yeah, it’s rented, but I like it.”

  I chat with him and Isabelle while we wait for the rest of the group. Seeing a silver SUV pull into the lot, I crane my neck to see if it’s Liz. Like there aren’t thousands of silver SUVs in Phoenix. When the door opens, I catch a glimpse of red hair and smile. Then, I spot Josie’s Subaru pull in the lot and sigh. I swear the girl is stalking me.

  The meetup organizer puts us into groups based on our skill level. Jeff and Isabelle are in the middle group along with Josie.

  “Looks like you got skills,” I say to her as I head to the back of the group. I shouldn’t be so happy to be away from her, but I am. Her negative vibe is wearing on me. Approaching Liz, I take a swig of water. “Looks like we had the same idea today.”

  “Yeah, you ever ride before?”

  “You mean before this afternoon when I got a lesson at the bike shop?”

  “Hopefully, my hour lesson today pays off.” Liz slides on a helmet and buckles it under her chin.

  “I came ahead of time and rode some trails.”

  “That was a good idea. The whole clip thing was sort of tough to learn.”

  We fall in line behind the other riders. “After you.” I motion for her to take the spot in front of me.

  “Nope, you go ahead of me. Something tells me I’m going to be painfully slow. Bike legs are not the same as running legs.”

  I clip in and follow the guy in front of me, looking back to make sure she’s okay.

  “You don’t
have to check on me.”

  “Sorry. Instinct.” I refocus on the trail.

  The first several miles are a slow climb, and my legs start to wear out. Then, we come to a steep incline, and I switch to a lower gear. At the top, my muscles are searing, and I’m happy to start the descent. When I check to make sure Liz is behind me, I see she’s stopped below the summit. I make a U-turn and cycle back to her. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, my heart rate got the best of me.”

  “The downhill will probably lower it faster than sitting.” I step aside as a biker passes.

  “Sorry?”

  “You’ll be coasting, and the motion will relax you.”

  Her nose scrunches up. “Really? Are you sure? Cause my heart’s pretty important to me.”

  “Exercise physiology major here. That is as long as you’re not scared you’re going to crash or something.”

  “No, I’m pretty comfortable on the bike. Okay, I’m going to trust you.” She turns her wrist over to look at her watch. I assume she has a heart monitor on it. “Let’s ride.”

  “After you.”

  “No, you—”

  “I insist.” I wave her on. If she has concerns, I’m making sure she’s okay.

  Her pace is a little slower than what I would have picked, but it’s still a fun downhill. As we reach the group, the sun is setting over the mesa.

  “Did it work?” I ask Liz as I get off my bike.

  She spins her wrist and taps the device on her arm. “Yeah, went down faster than it usually does. You were right.”

  “See. Trust the expert.”

  “When it comes to exercise physiology, yes.” Her lips form a small smile, and I guess trust doesn’t come easily for her. If I want it, I’m going to have to work for it. Is that what you’ve decided? I wonder. That she’s the one you’re interested in? You see anyone else? I think to myself and give her a broad smile.

  We join Jeff, Isabelle, and Josie to watch the sun drop behind the mountain. The group is quiet, and it’s nice to sit there in silence. As we get ready to head back, I maintain my position behind Liz. She rolls her eyes and pedals off at a fast pace. My legs are tired, and I take my time on the climb, giving her room to slow up if she needs to. This time she doesn’t stop at the top. She descends faster than before, and I decrease the distance between us.

  “That was fun,” I say as we stop in the lot.

  She slides off her helmet. “That was awesome.” Now, the smile spreads across her face.

  Josie approach us. “So, what’d you think? Making this a regular gig?”

  “Definitely,” Liz answers even though Josie is looking straight at me.

  “It was fun,” I agree.

  “So, we were talking about getting a beer. Want to join in?” Josie asks, eyes still on mine.

  Turning my wrist over, I see it’s after eight. “I’m going to have to say no. For one, I smell, and second, I have to be out of the house by five fifteen in the morning.”

  “Same for me.” Liz puts in. “Maybe another time.”

  “Sure.” Josie’s face forms a tight smile.

  I say my goodbyes and start to walk to my truck.

  “Zack.” I hear Liz’s voice behind me. “Hey, thanks for the tip on the heart thing earlier. I appreciate it.”

  “Yeah, no problem. Will I see you Wednesday?”

  “Of course. We have a good volleyball team. Are you working at Mayo this week?”

  I check my elation over her asking about my work schedule. “Not right now, but I only know my schedule through Wednesday.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you then, I guess.” She detaches the tire from her bike.

  I help her lift the bike onto her rack. “Did you rent the bike or buy it?”

  “Bought it. Spent four hours at the bike shop trying them out.”

  “You went all in, didn’t you?”

  “I figure if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it right.”

  “Totally agree.” I nod. “Well, I’ll see you Wednesday.”

  “Yip,” she says. I think it’s a yep, but her Irish lilt comes through.

  I work three straight twelves and feel like a zombie by Wednesday night. But with an energy drink in hand, I enter the gym.

  “Like clockwork. Five minutes late,” John comments.

  “I hope that’s not what I’m known for.”

  “That and your amazing spike.”

  “Well, that’s something.” I wave to him and make my way to our court.

  Seeing Jeff, Liz, and the others warming up, I jog and stretch for a few minutes. The night is arranged like a tournament with teams from the area competing in scrimmages. I enjoy the challenge of new talent, and my adrenaline is in high gear. Jeff and I are tall, and we take our first game but are bested by the next two by teams where all the guys are our height and all the gals are six feet. As we file out of the gym, Jeff starts organizing a hangout.

  “I stink,” I say.

  “Shower and meet us.” Jeff points at me and then turns to Liz. “You’re in, right?”

  She shrugs. “I need a shower too, but I’m not working tomorrow, so I’m in.”

  “See, everyone’s in?” He points to John as he approaches.

  “What am I in for?” John reaches us.

  Jeff taps John’s shoulder. “You’re coming out with us.”

  “I could do that. Text me the location. I’ll be there after I lock up.”

  Opening the door for Liz, I follow her into the hot night.

  “I’m never going to get used to the heat,” she comments as we cross the lot.

  “Maybe we’ll be able to stay outside for more than two seconds by September.”

  “I’m not counting on it.” She reaches her car. “I guess I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

  “Yep.” I wave as I proceed to my truck, wishing I weren’t excited that Liz is coming. I’m not ready to be disappointed again. I’ve been having fun without a girl in my life, so why am I obsessing about this one?

  Grabbing a quick shower at my apartment, I drive to the restaurant. There are ten of us, and I take the end seat beside John. He’s only a couple years older than me and single, so it’s cool that he’s a peer. He asks me about my family, and I admit that while I talk to my mom a bunch, I only text my siblings like once a week. My little sister is better about texting me, maybe because she’s a girl. Women seem to be more communicative, at least the ones in my family.

  Liz comes in, and I’m glad there’s an empty chair beside me. Scanning the table, I realize Liz, John, and I are the newbies, as John has only been in Phoenix six months.

  “Hey, everyone here is going on the canyon trip,” Jeff points out.

  “You’re going? That’s awesome,” I say to John. “You got all the gear?”

  “Yeah, I’m from Colorado, so I’m big on camping.”

  “Cool.” I take a sip of the water the waiter placed in front of me.

  “Are you going nuts without your D-backs gig this week?” he asks.

  “It’s not too bad. Hey, I’ll have to invite you to the game next time I get some tickets.”

  “That’d be sweet.”

  Liz tells him about meeting the players and going into the dugout. Conversation shifts back to the canyon trip, and Jeff starts making a tent-assignment list.

  “Sam is bringing a boyfriend. So, Josie needs a tent partner,” Isabelle tells us.

  “The guy materialized out of nowhere.” Jeff takes a sip of his beer and sets it down again. “Do you want to share a tent with Josie, Liz?”

  Liz looks down at her plate then back to Jeff. “Sure, I guess that’s fine.”

  I feel bad for Liz. She and Josie aren’t well matched, but at least it’s only for sleeping. It’s not like they have to talk to each other. There’s more discussion about the couples in the group. All the girls are paired up save Josie and Liz, and John, and I seem to be two of four single guys. I don’t plan on sharing a tent with anyone thou
gh.

  “Any good single Jewish girls you’ve met recently?” Jeff slaps John on the back.

  I swear Jeff and Isabelle are obsessed with being in love. Maybe because they have each other they think everyone should be with someone. Holding my breath, I pray they don’t ask Liz about her dating life. Of course, it could be a way to get info without me having to ask.

  “So, Liz…” Jeff points at her. “You running from someone or to someone?”

  “Why am I doing either?”

  “New Jersey to Arizona is a pretty big move. What’s your story?”

  “Wanted to do something new.” She shrugs. “You already interrogate Zack?”

  Jeff rolls his eyes. “Yeah, he had the same stock answer as you.”

  “Not sure how many skeletons you can accrue at twenty-one.” Liz reclines.

  “That’s what I said.” Except I’m going to be twenty-five. No skeletons though, everyone has a heart break, or two, so I don’t count those. She’s young, like Amanda, I remind myself. Perhaps Liz isn’t the best choice.

  At eleven thirty, I decide to call it a night.

  The next day I spend at the gym with the team. Carlos razzes me some about Liz, but I ignore him. Working Friday and through the weekend, I miss the hike meetup, but I load my truck with my bike Sunday morning for the ride Sunday night. After work, I grab an energy bar and meet the group at the trailhead, hoping Liz comes.

  We gather for a group pow-wow on the trail, but she’s not there. I fall in behind Jeff to get the directions and then hear crackle on the gravel. I turn to see her silver SUV and jog to her vehicle.

  “Want some help?”

  “That’d be great. Who knew there’d be traffic on a Sunday night.”

  “There’s always traffic here.” I lift the bike off the carrier while she slips on her shoes. She looks cute in the pink-and-white riding outfit.

  “Don’t say it. My skin is white. I’ve had it all my life, so I’ve accepted it.”

  “I can’t believe you’re not even a little tan after being here a month.”

  “I don’t tan. I can only hope to prevent freckling.” She slides on sunglasses, and we make our way to the group.