Deepest Scars: A Being Me Stand-Alone Companion Novel

by Tricia Copeland

  “I could go to that with you.”

  “Really?”

  “Sure.” I shrug as I close the door.

  “You’re serious?” Liz asks as I take the seat beside her.

  “Why not? You’re interested in my religion. I could learn more about yours. It seems pretty important to you.”

  Her hand goes to the cross on her chest. “Yeah, it is.”

  I wonder if we could be any further away religion wise.

  “Okay.” She brings me out of my thoughts. “So, Carlos and Eva, no kids, right?”

  “Yep, no kids yet, married a little over two years. I don’t know much else. I think they’re from California.”

  “Got it.”

  On the drive, she tells me a little about the Catholic faith, and how hard it was for her to get all her records from Ireland. When we enter the drive, the number of cars is higher than I’d expected. I take a deep breath as we park and cut my eyes to her. “Thanksgiving 2.0, you ready?”

  “Wow, there are like fifteen cars lined up here,” Liz comments as we exit the car.

  “Yeah, I didn’t expect so many.” I take her hand. “You going to be okay?”

  “Sure.” Her head bobs, and I wonder if she’s trying to convince herself.

  As we climb the stairs, the sounds of Latin music floats from inside. “Good thing we both know Spanish,” I comment as I rap on the door.

  “Hola.” Carlos wraps his arm around me as he opens the door. “Gracias.” He takes the dish from Liz and kisses her on the cheek. “You didn’t have to bring anything.”

  A boy whizzes past, followed by a smaller one. Carlos holds the items above his head. “Tranquilo, slow down.” He yells at the boy.

  “Sorry.” Carlos looks both ways before he proceeds forward. “I’m the youngest in my family, so I have lots of nieces and nephews. Let me introduce you to everyone.”

  We meet Carlos’s two brothers and sister, Eva’s four brothers, all their kids, and Carlos’s and Eva’s fathers.

  “I thought my family was big,” Liz whispers as we make our way to the kitchen.

  “Oh, Zack.” Eva kisses both my cheeks. “And you, beautiful girl.” She kisses Liz on each cheek. “Thanks for coming.” She spins to the girl beside her. “This is my cousin Maria. She lives in Tucson. And here’s my mother, and Carlos’s mother.” She points out each woman in succession.

  Carlos hands Eva the dessert and wine as we greet Maria and the other women.

  “Go put the flowers on the table,” Eva tells Carlos. Then, she faces me. “You guys didn’t have to bring anything.”

  “Are you kidding? Thanks for having us,” I tell her.

  “You met everyone?” Eva looks between Liz and me.

  “Yes.” Eyes wide, Liz nods.

  “Good, well, have a drink and mingle. We’ll serve dinner in about half an hour.” Eva spins back to face the stove.

  “I guess we’re on our own.” I take Liz’s hand and motion to the back pool deck where everyone is gathered.

  All the family members re-introduce themselves and give us a little snippet of their lives. It seems most of Carlos’s family moved to Phoenix when he got signed for the second year. Eva’s family members live in Southern California but always gather for holidays.

  “Do you like big families?” Liz asks.

  “Yeah, are you kidding? I mean, look at this. It’s great. How about you?”

  “I always thought I would have a big family. I think my parents wanted more kids.”

  “I’m sorry.” I squeeze her hand and kiss her cheek.

  “It’s really stupid. I miss my family.”

  “I’m glad you get four days with them at Christmas.”

  “You’re not offended I didn’t invite you to come with me?”

  I bend down and kiss her. “I’ll miss you, but I know you need time with them. And, like I said, the money is great.”

  I tap my thigh and check my phone again as I wait for Liz behind the railing at the airport. We barely got time to speak while she was home for Christmas, and I missed her much more than I would have thought.

  If there was one thing I’d learned from my weekend at home over Chanukah and the last four days, it’s that I like being with Liz. I feel better when I can see her every day. We know each other, get each other. Not seeing her face or touching her skin, not being near her, is torture, and I’m sure I’m in love now. I don’t want to freak her out, so I’m thinking to wait till Valentine’s Day to tell her. I figure that’s six months from when we started dating. Plus, I don’t want her to think I’m saying it because I want sex—which I do, but not only for the physical piece. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.

  I catch sight of blazing red hair.

  She sheds her jacket as she reaches me, and I slant over the railing and plant a kiss on her lips. “It’s so good to see you.”

  “You too.” She smiles, and her cheeks change to a fire-engine red.

  I hold out a bouquet of roses. “These are for you.”

  “They’re beautiful. You’re so sweet.” She wraps her arms around me, and it feels like home.

  “Ma’am, you need to move along. Go kiss your boyfriend on the other side of the railing.”

  I slide out of the embrace to see Liz’s face go from red to white and back to red. Keeping a good grip on her hand, I walk down the railing to the end. As soon as she’s past it, she jumps into my arms.

  “I missed you so much,” she whispers in my ear.

  “Same.” I squeeze and release her. “But, you had a good time at home, right?” I duck down so we are eye to eye.

  “Oh, yeah, awesome. I sort of got used to seeing you every day. Being in a house full of people again was overwhelming.”

  “I know, I felt like that when I was back home too.” We make our way to the baggage claim, and I lift her bag from the carousel.

  We walk to the truck in silence, me trying to figure out if I should say it. How hard could it be. I love you. Three simple words.

  “How was the flight?” I ask, opening her door.

  “Good.”

  In the driver’s seat, I put the truck in gear and back up.

  Liz clears her throat and runs her hands down her thighs. “I was thinking to ask you something. May seem like odd timing, but have you, like, gotten tested?”

  I glance at her and notice her cheeks are red. “For what? I passed my PT certification, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “No.” She shakes her head, and her hair swooshes back and forth. “You know, like STIs?”

  “Oh, what, like STDs?” I’m kind of shocked and focus on the road for a few seconds. “I haven’t…” I grip the steering wheel and stretch my fingers up. “I haven’t been with anyone since I got tested. That was back in August. I probably should get retested. I kind of forgot. The last person I was with was in June.” My face feels like it’s a million degrees, and my palms slide on the steering wheel from the sweat seeping out of them. How stupid could I be, and she wants to have sex?

  “I thought…” I lift my fingers from the wheel. “Are you thinking that we…” I raise and lower my shoulders.

  “Yeah, I’d been thinking about it. I started taking birth control pills, you know, to be prepared, if I decided.” Her eyes cut the other direction.

  “When did you start taking the pills?”

  “Like Thanksgiving.”

  “So, you’ve been thinking about this since Thanksgiving, or before?”

  “I guess.” She stuffs her hands between her thighs.

  “Okay.” I nod. “Well, I can definitely get tested again.”

  A smile spreads across her face. “Of course you would be eager.” Her eyebrow shoots up.

  “What? I’m a human being. I have sexual desires.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Okay, well, let me know when you’re clear.”

  My heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. I want to drive to the lab right now. But it’s after nine on Sunda
y, so there’s zero chance of getting in anywhere tonight. The good thing is I work at a hospital and know people in every department, so I’m sure I can make it happen by noon the next day.

  Now all I can think about is kissing her, touching her. I guess it’s good we’re driving and I have time to cool down before we’re in a private place.

  “So, did you eat?” I ask her.

  “I had a snack on the plane.”

  “Are you hungry?”

  “I could eat.”

  “Does that mean you want to eat, or not?” Now things feel weird.

  “I will probably eat something before I go to sleep, but we don’t need to do anything. It’s late, and we both have to work tomorrow.”

  “Well, I made you dinner. It kind of took a long time, so you could humor me if you’re not too tired.”

  Liz pops my leg with her hand. “Why didn’t you lead with that?”

  “Well, I didn’t want to force you to eat if you had dinner.”

  “And what would you do with the food?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrug. “Save it till tomorrow.”

  “I only had peanuts on the plane, so I guess I’m hungry.”

  I let out a big breath. “Good.”

  “So, dinner at your place?”

  “Well, I have the food in the back, so either way?”

  “What?” She cranes her neck to look in the back seat. “I can barely even smell anything.

  “That’s because it’s packed up tight in a cooler.” Cutting my eyes to the back, I wink at her.

  “Yeah, my place sounds good.”

  Pulling into her complex, I park near her unit.

  “You didn’t have to do all this,” she tells me as I lift the food out of the back.

  “I missed you.” I kiss her on the lips. “I wanted to celebrate you being back.”

  “Or butter me up for some big New Year’s Eve Party you want me to go to with you.”

  “Hey.” I stop in the middle of the lot. “If you don’t want to go, let’s not go.”

  “So, there was a party?” She skips ahead of me, taking the stairs two at time.

  “You know the usual suspects. I expect the party at Carlos’s to be pretty over the top. What would you like to do?”

  “Go on a hike, watch the sunset, grill out with you.” She spins around and plants a kiss on my lips.

  “I’m not going to argue with that.”

  Crossing the room, she turns on the lights in the kitchen. “Your friends won’t be offended?”

  “Carlos, maybe a little, but he’ll get over it. We’ve only got six more weeks till spring training starts. I may only see you once a week till April when the regular season starts.”

  “What?” Her head spins to face me.

  “It’s close. We’ll work in an hour here and there a couple times a week.”

  “You didn’t tell me about the spring training schedule. You work all the games?”

  “And the practices.” I lift the casserole dish from the container. “Lasagna?”

  “Wine.” She holds up the bottle in front of me.

  I cross the room, retrieve two glasses, and fill one for each of us. “I’m sorry I brought it up.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “Did I kill the mood?”

  “I’m hungry, so let’s eat.” She slides into her chair.

  Cutting the bread, we load our plates. There’s silence, and I curse myself for jumping ahead. Why couldn’t I live in the moment? Especially after she told me she was ready for sex.

  “So, tell me about your visit.”

  She describes the time with her family, which consisted of cooking, eating, and shopping. Finishing the meal, I rinse the dishes and load them into the washer.

  “What now, Mister Man with a Plan?”

  “I don’t know. You tell me.” I wrap my arms around her waist.

  “I’m exhausted, but I don’t want you to leave.”

  Pushing up on her toes, her lips press into mine. I back her into the living room and lower her to the futon. Her leg rakes across mine, and my body reacts.

  She puts her hands to my chest. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…”

  I push up from her. “I know. It’s not your fault.”

  “Soon.” She kisses my cheek and swings her legs over my lap.

  Leaning into her, I start another round of kissing. My hand slides up her sweater to her back. As I move it higher, she tenses. Repositioning my hands on her waist, I back away.

  “Everything okay?”

  “I’m just…” She shakes her head. “My chest is a pretty sensitive area for me, and I’d rather not be touched there.”

  I process for a split second. “But…” I grab her leg and rub my hand up to her butt. “This is okay?”

  “Yes.” She laughs. “That’s fine.”

  “Good.” I kiss her again quickly. “I should probably go.”

  “Stay.” She tugs at my shirt.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I don’t want to be alone.”

  “Okay, well, in that case, I’ll grab my bag.” I jump up and slide on my shoes.

  “You’re so bad.” She lofts a pillow at me.

  We hadn’t gotten to the point where I have a toothbrush and change of clothes at her place or hers at mine. I’d never been in a relationship like that. I wonder if we’re close but decide to wait for her to ask as I retrieve my pack from the truck. By the time I enter the apartment, she’s in her pajamas loading clothes into the washing machine.

  “Tomorrow’s going to be brutal.”

  “It’s crazy around the holidays. Especially in the ER.”

  “I had to get my ER rotation over the holidays.” She sighs.

  I massage her shoulders. “I’ll make you dinner again tomorrow.”

  “Aren’t you working too?”

  “Yes.”

  “We’ll make it together then.” She pushes up on her toes and kisses me.

  Taking my hand, she leads me to the bedroom. I slip in the bathroom to change to pajama pants and a t-shirt. I don’t wear them when I’m alone, but it feels more comfortable since we haven’t been intimate yet.

  I brush my teeth and slide under the cover beside her. “Is that new?”

  “Yeah.” She holds up a rectangular screen. “My mom got it for me. It’s an e-reader.”

  “Very cool. What are you reading?”

  “You’re going to laugh.” She hugs the device to her chest.

  “Well, now I’m really interested. Let me guess. Harlequin books? No, wait… mystery or maybe zombie apocalypse stuff?”

  “You named almost all the genres.”

  “Well, was I right?”

  Spinning to face me, she sits on her knees. “No, it’s about witches and vampires. Pretty cutting-edge stuff actually.”

  “Cutting edge?”

  “Yeah, I mean the vampires don’t glisten in the sun and aren’t dead. They’re evolved humans. The witches are descended from angels.”

  “That’s hi-tech? I think I’ll stick with my training magazines. What else did you get for Christmas?”

  “New scrubs, sneakers. I had to return the scarfs.”

  “Yeah, definitely don’t need those here.” I rub my hand down her leg.

  She straightens them and stows the tablet on the floor beside the bed. I take the opportunity to wrap my arm around her waist. “That’s going to last, like, five minutes.”

  “What?” I inch back.

  “You’re like one big heat inferno.”

  “Well, let me have one minute.” I lean in to kiss her.

  “Oh no.” Ducking away, she wags her finger in the air. “It’s eleven already, and we have to be up at five.”

  “Fine.” I fluff my pillow and drop my head on it.

  She relaxes onto her pillow. “I think that was one minute.”

  “You and heat management.” I lift my arm from atop her and tuck it between us. “I’m glad you’re back.” I k
iss her cheek.

  “Me too,” she whispers.

  The alarm sounds on my phone and hers simultaneously, and I shoot up, grabbing my device. She’s only two seconds behind me, and the room falls silent.

  “Okay.” She adjusts her hair in her ponytail and jumps up. “Mind if I shower first?”

  “Not at all. I’ll get the coffee.”

  We’ve never done a work morning, so it feels odd but good. I start the coffee maker, brush my teeth, and check my gear. I’m glad we’re not working at the same hospital today, so I can get my blood test in line with the patients without anyone giving me a hard time or too much grief at least.

  “Breakfast?” I ask as she exits from her room, hair still wet.

  “Just a bagel.”

  “And here’s your coffee with lots of milk.”

  “Thanks.” She smiles and sniffs the liquid before taking a long sip.

  “Okay.” I kiss her head and jog to her room.

  I shower in two minutes and dress faster. When I exit the bathroom, she’s pulling her hair into a bun.

  “Oh, they’re going to love you in the ER. A no-nonsense force of nature.”

  “Do I seem like that?” She spins to face me.

  “Hell, yes. You’re rock solid. I wouldn’t want to be on your bad side.”

  “I feel like I’ve gone soft.” She buries her head in my chest.

  “Having smooth edges isn’t a bad thing. I mean you kept your guard up until you realized I was the best guy ever.” I jump back before she can slap my chest.

  “You better run.”

  I take off, and she chases me into the living room. An alarm dings, and she stops short. “Darn, I have to get to work.” We plant ourselves on the futon and slide on shoes. I hold her hand while we make our way down the stairs to the cars.

  “So, I’ll text you.” She pushes to her toes and kisses me.

  There’s a high whistle, and I interrupt the kiss as Brad saunters across the lot to us. “Co-habitation now, looks pretty serious. And on a work night. Tsk. Tsk.”

  Liz grabs my jacket and forces me to look at her. “Shut up, Brad.” She kisses me again.

  “See you tonight.” I back away and then spin to walk to my truck.

  I’m early to work and make my way to the lab. Fortunately, Gina, a red-headed forty-something woman, is working triage. “Hey, can you do me a solid?” I whisper to her.