Deepest Scars: A Being Me Stand-Alone Companion Novel

by Tricia Copeland

  As the second song ends, she backs away, pushes to her toes, and kisses me. “Thank you, this is wonderful.”

  “You’re welcome.” I run my finger down her nose to her lips.

  Then, I press my mouth to hers. My hands trace down her back to her waist and bottom. Soon, I’m reclining her onto the sofa. I lower my chest to hers.

  “You’re a huge guy,” she whispers.

  I flip to her side and plant kisses on her neck. Knowing her chest is sensitive, I stop at her clavicle. She kisses my ear, and I can’t hold back any longer. I sit up and spin my feet to the floor.

  “What’s wrong?” She hooks her arm in mine.

  “Just need a minute to breathe.”

  “We don’t have to stop.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  Sweeping her up, I cross into the bedroom. I loosen my grip, and she slides to the floor. I plant kisses on her neck and trace them up to her lips. Her hands wind inside my shirt and find the buttons.

  “I’d like to leave my top on. My chest is sensitive.”

  “That’s fine.”

  After she gets the first few buttons open, I pull my shirt over my head. Her fingers roll up my undershirt and push it over my face. I back her to the bed, and we topple onto it. Then, I become lost in the moment, reacting to her pace, until I feel her fingers at the snap of my pants. I pull her bottoms over her hips.

  I see her face blush as she pulls up her pink underwear. “Are you sure?”

  She nods, and I hug her to me, kissing her shoulder. I scoop her up and throw her on the bed.

  “Oh, my goodness.” She spins and crawls to me. Standing on her knees, she plants kisses on my chest and then down to my stomach. I massage her back, and we inch down onto the sheets.

  Light from around the blinds wakes me, and I turn to see her red hair on the pillow next to me. Her breathing sounds slow and even, and I try not to move. I want to wrap my arms around her and pull her into me but am not sure whether she’d want to be awoken. I note the time. Five after nine. I can’t remember the last time I slept past nine. But seeing as how we were up past two, I should be thinking about more sleep. Now that my train of thought switches to the previous night, there’s no way I will drift off.

  She stirs and turns to face me. I stare at her face. Her lashes rest on her cheek like soft red feathers. Her skin is so white, and freckles dot her nose like pink rose petals. I wonder if I’ve ever seen someone more beautiful.

  The corners of her mouth turn up. “Do you always stalk people while they sleep?”

  “How did you know I was awake?”

  “Can’t you tell when someone is staring at you?”

  “But you’re so beautiful.” I kiss her nose.

  Snuggling into my chest, she looks up at me. “I don’t want to leave this apartment, much less get out of bed.”

  “So, you’re not cooking for everyone today?”

  She shakes her head. “Definitely not. I’m not sharing you with anyone.”

  “I’m going to have to eat soon.”

  “Me too.” She pushes up on her elbows and turns her facet to look at me. “Coffee then pancakes?”

  “Sounds awesome to me.” I swing my legs over the bed and slide on a t-shirt.

  After breakfast, we go for a run and take showers. We hang out, watch the parade and a football game, go to the grocery store, and make dinner. Before we know it, it’s dark again.

  “I don’t want it to be a work day.” Liz takes my hand and pulls at my arm.

  “Me either.” I smooth her hair down her back.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow night?” she asks, pushing up on her toes and kissing me.

  Our days and weeks flow one into another. We see each other almost every day, whether hiking with the group, meeting up for biking or volleyball, hanging out with friends, making dinner, or catching a movie. Most nights she is at my place or me at hers. As the start of spring training approaches, I start to worry about our time apart. I know I’m in love and pray my schedule doesn’t ruin us.

  “I don’t understand why you can’t tell me where we’re going,” Liz complains as she throws clothes into her bag, packing for our Valentine’s getaway.

  “I told you, you need a nice dress, bathing suit, hiking clothes, and that’s it. One night and a day adventure, that’s all.” I spread out on her bed as she rummages through her closet.

  “You have to leave for me to pick out a dress then.”

  “Fine.” I trudge into the living room.

  It’s not two minutes before she exits, roller and garment bag in hand. “Okay, I’m good.”

  “Sweet.” I jump up off the couch and take her bag.

  “How far is it?” she asks as we descend the stairs to the parking lot.

  “Not far.”

  “I don’t understand why it has to be a secret.”

  “Not a secret, a surprise.”

  “I don’t like surprises.” She puts her hand to her hip as we reach the car.

  I roll my eyes and lift her bag into the back. “That’s not what you told me before.” Opening the door for her, I kiss her lips.

  She climbs in her seat and spins to face me. “I didn’t tell my mom. Of course, I didn’t tell her I slept with you either. I’m sure I’d get a speech about co-habitation.”

  “Co-habitation?” I wind around the vehicle and slide into the driver’s side.

  “That’s what she called it when she found out Marie spent the night with her boyfriend for the first time.”

  “Hmm, technical.” I crank the truck and back out. “You should be lucky I didn’t blindfold you.”

  “Yeah, I think I’d hurl in your floorboard.”

  “No puke in my vehicle,” I say and then take the ramp onto the freeway.

  “You said it wasn’t far.”

  “It’s not. So impatient.” I squeeze her hand and smile at her.

  It’s only one exit up, and I really didn’t even need to get on the highway, but I wanted to throw her off. At the next street, I take a left and then approach the entrance, slowing and turning onto the palm-tree-lined drive.

  “This is where we’re going?”

  “Yes, you like?”

  “Isn’t it, like, crazy expensive?”

  “I got the team rate.”

  “When did you plan this?”

  “Like six weeks ago.” I slow the truck and pull into the visitor’s spot. “They have two huge pools. We have reservations on the patio for dinner and a private suite with a balcony view of their grounds. Tomorrow we can go for a hike, or whatever you want.”

  “This looks like paradise.” She pushes her door open.

  I meet her at the back of the truck. “So, you approve?”

  “Oh, yes.”

  Leaning in, I kiss her. “Good.”

  We walk to the lobby and get our room key and then move the car and roll our luggage inside. A valet takes Liz’s and escorts us to our suite. Inside, a table holds an iced bottle of champagne and a bowl of strawberries. Roses sit on the far table near the window.

  “I can’t believe this. It’s amazing. I’m speechless.” Liz opens the door to the balcony and steps outside. “Marie is going to have a heart attack when I tell her.”

  “Our dinner reservations are at seven, and we have a gondola reserved for nine.”

  “A gondola?”

  “Yes, you rent a boat and row along the stream.” I point to the canal ringing the small forest area around the hotel. “What do you want to do first? The pools are heated.”

  “Yay! Let’s swim.” Liz skips to the bedroom and pulls her suitcase into the bathroom. “I can’t believe this.” She pokes her head out. “This place is bigger than my bedroom.”

  Inside the bathroom, there is a hot tub and a glass-lined shower. “I could stay in that tub all evening.” I wrap an arm around her waist.

  She squirms out of my embrace. “Let’s go swim.”

  We play in the pool and t
hen relax in the hot tub until we’re cooking. Upstairs, I shower and then watch television while she washes and dresses.

  “Do you think this is fancy enough?” She exits the bathroom in a slim black dress.

  “Oh, that is perfect.” I pull her to me. “You look amazing.” I lean in to kiss her, but she pushes me away. “Don’t smudge the makeup before the appetizers.”

  “Let’s have some champagne.” I pick up the bottle. I pop the cork and pour us each a glass. “To us.” I ding my glass with hers.

  “To us.” She smiles and sips the bubbly liquid.

  “That is really good. Shall we?” I motion to the balcony.

  She sits on my lap and we drink our champagne, watching the sun dip below the mountains. My watch beeps, indicating it’s time for our reservation. They have a table waiting for us at the end of the pool deck. As the sky darkens, small lights draping the trees twinkle on.

  “This is like a dream world.” Liz’s eyes scan the scene.

  “I wanted tonight to be special.”

  “You probably spent too much.”

  “You can’t put a price tag on things like this.”

  “I guess not.” She smiles.

  We order an appetizer and then the main course. Deciding to have dessert later, we leave the table and walk through the gardens. My phone beeps.

  “What’s that?”

  “Time for part two of this magical night.”

  I take her hand and lead her to the boat dock. The attendant has a gondola waiting for us. I help Liz into the bow, and I sit across from her. Trees create a canopy of the canal, and I paddle through the maze.

  “How did you even know about these boats?”

  “Carlos hooked me up.”

  “Of course.” She rolls her eyes.

  Laying the oar in the bottom of the boat, I cross to sit beside her. I wrap my arms around her. “Are you cold?”

  “A little.” She snuggles against me.

  “Not quite like the Colorado winding through the canyon.”

  “I can picture it.” She smiles and turns to face me. “This is really cool.”

  Releasing her, I find her hands and look into her eyes. “I know the next eight months might be crazy. But I’m committed to this relationship.”

  “Thanks, that means a lot. I really like us, what we have. I’m going to miss seeing you all the time.”

  I look at my lap and back at her face. “I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.”

  “Is that so?” A grin forms on her face.

  “Yes, actually, I know. I love you.”

  “Wow,” she whispers. Water pools in her eyes. “No one has ever told me that before.” She squeezes my hands. “I’m one-hundred percent sure I’m falling in love with you too.”

  “You had me sweating there for a second.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t expect something like this.”

  “I want you to make sure you know you’re important to me, and I’m committed to you.”

  “I can tell.”

  “Good.” I release the breath I’m holding.

  She places her hands on each side of my face. “You’re really special to me too. I wouldn’t have decided to be so intimate with you if you weren’t.”

  “I wanted to say it, to tell you out loud. So there wasn’t any guessing.”

  “Thank you.” She kisses me.

  I wrap my hand around her neck and press my lips to hers. Lapping sounds on the water bring me out of the moment. Another boat approaches.

  Liz clears her throat. “I think our time’s up.”

  “I think you’re right.”

  Switching back to my seat, I find the oar below my legs. We weave through the canal, taking in the night air and star-filled sky. At the dock, we exit and take our time on the path back to the hotel.

  “Do you want to get dessert down here or order something?” I ask as we ascend the stairs.

  “I’m good for now.”

  Taking the escalator to our floor, we trace back to the room.

  “What now?” She spins as she lays her bag on the table.

  “Dancing?”

  “Dancing would be nice.”

  I find music on the television and take her in my arms. We dance to a few songs, and then I lead her out to the balcony. She sits on my lap, cuddling into my chest.

  Kissing her temple, I wrap my arms around her. “I don’t want to leave tomorrow.”

  “It’s not like you’re far.”

  “I’m anxious about the schedule.”

  “You’ll get there and figure it out.”

  “Yeah, I know. I don’t like the unknown.”

  She lays her head on my shoulder. “Would you mind if I changed? Got out of this dress?”

  “Not at all.”

  She stands and points to her zipper. “I can get this, but it takes some major contortions.”

  I jump up and start it for her, wrapping my arm around her middle and kissing her neck.

  Prying my hand from her waist, she kisses my cheek. “Give me a minute.”

  Walking inside, she heads into the bathroom, and I find a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. My stomach gurgles, and I flip through the room service menu. Jumping up, I knock on the bathroom door and turn the knob before she has a chance to answer. “Hey, do you want—”

  A towel is fitted around her torso. In the middle of her chest between her breasts is a vertical jagged pink scar. One hand goes to her towel, and the other palm juts out to me. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “Sorry.” I shake my head trying to remember what I was going to ask her. “Do you want something to eat?”

  Spinning so her back is to me, she looks over her shoulder. “Whatever you want is fine. You know what I like.”

  Confused, I close the door and head back to the bed. I sit down and let the menu fall to my lap. There’s only one way to get the scar I saw. Is that why she didn’t want to take her shirt off with me? Her chest is sensitive from the scar? Or she didn’t want me to see the scar? I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Maybe the skin in that area does feel weird. I rub my inner thigh where I got my hockey injury. I guess it feels different, but still, why wouldn’t she tell me? It’s not like me knowing she’d had open heart surgery would make me look at her any differently. But it explains why she’s conscious of her heart rate. I stand up and pace to the door.

  “Hey.” She appears before me in a pair of shorts and hoodie. The jacket is unzipped to halfway down her chest, and a layer of lace is visible underneath. “Did you order some food?”

  I lift the menu and lower it. “No.”

  “Why not? Something wrong?”

  “I saw your scar. Why wouldn’t you tell me about having a surgery like that?” I scoot back on the bed, giving her space to sit down.

  She reaches out and rubs her hand down my arm. “You’re mad?”

  “I’m confused.” I take both her hands. “Why was it a secret? I mean we got through that whole thing with your parents and Luis and Elizabeth.” Standing, I run my hands through my hair, trying to figure out my swirling emotions that vacillate between anger, fear, and hurt.

  “You wouldn’t understand.” She tugs at my shirt.

  I bend over and grab my suitcase. “Maybe you should try me before you make that judgment.” Spinning, I head to the door, grabbing my phone and keys from the table as I pass.

  She trails me and her hands wrap around my arms, halting my escape. “Please stay. Let me explain.”

  Dropping the bag on the floor, I spin to face her. “I love you. I’ve been in love with you since November. We’ve been to San Diego and Chicago together. I made sure you were okay with my job choice. You decided I was important enough to share your bed. Why keep this from me?”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t tell people.”

  “You don’t tell people? I’m not just people. You weren’t lying about me being the first guy you slept with, were you?”

  “No.” She grabs my hand.
“Please, come sit down. I’ll tell you everything.”

  “I’m not sure if there’s anything you can say to make this better.”

  “Please.” Tears fill her eyes. “I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”

  Deciding I trust that she cares about me, I take a seat at the table.

  She sits across from me. Looking at her hands, she raises her eyes to meet mine. “I’ll start from the beginning.”

  “Please.” My tone is harsher than I intend, but I don’t regret it.

  She clears her throat. “When we were in the accident, they discovered that I had a valve deformation. Before that, I remember being tired for weeks, and my mom kept taking me to the doctor. He always said nothing was wrong, that I had a heart murmur and would probably grow out of it. In Ireland, before I came to the States to be with my aunt and uncle, they gave me a calf’s valve. Because my heart was still growing, it would have to be replaced anyway, and they didn’t want put me on blood thinners.”

  I place my hands on the table. “But they only last ten years.”

  “Right.” She swallows hard. “They were waiting for my heart to grow to full size and me to get older to decide which type of valve I wanted. At sixteen, they repeated the surgery, and I got an artificial valve.”

  “So, you take blood thinners and watch your heart rate?”

  “Right.” Her eyes meet mine for a second.

  “You think I care about a scar? That you had heart surgery? You’ve seen the scar on my leg. It’s not pretty.”

  “It’s not only that.” She stands and paces to the bed. “Last year, I was dating this guy, Chad. We dated for six months, and I finally decided to be intimate with him. He freaked out when he saw my scar, like really freaked out, said he couldn’t do it, that it grossed him out too much.”

  “So, he’s an idiot!”

  “A girl doesn’t forget something like that. When I was young, I would wear tops and bathing suits like other girls, people stared. So, I stopped wearing clothes that revealed my scar. It’s too hard to talk about every time someone comments on it. And then to have someone I loved be so disgusted.”

  “And that’s why you never talked about your ex-boyfriends? When were you planning to tell me?”

  “I don’t know.” Tears stream down her cheeks. “Please.” She grabs my hands. “Can’t you even grasp how traumatizing that was? On the canyon trip, Josie accidentally saw my scar in the bath house. I overheard her telling Sam how freaky it was. She said that if I showed you then you would like me because I was the ugly duckling.”