“You never forget anything. I wish I could do that. Maybe then Aunt Ethel wouldn’t think I’m an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot,” Tanzy said. “You’re just lazy.”
Tardy grinned. “It’s easier than being smart. That way people aren’t expecting stuff of you all the time.”
“I’m expecting a lot of you,” Tanzy said. “Get your work ready while I talk to Russ.”
He must be wondering how she was going to react to what he had written, but his expression was blank when he approached her.
“There were no mistakes,” she said. “That’s remarkable.”
“Not as much as you think,” he said, his expression still neutral. “I had Welt go over it. I wasn’t as clever as I thought,” he said when she didn’t respond. “He’s known for years I couldn’t read.”
She knew she probably shouldn’t ask, but she had to know. “Why did you write something so personal for me?”
“I didn’t. I wrote it for myself.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Prison was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It also did me a lot of good. Writing that was a way of separating the two. It helps to be able to know that. It keeps you from being bitter.”
Tanzy decided she didn’t know this man at all. Neither did the people in Boulder Gap. The tragedies of his life had pushed something very fine and wonderful about him into the background. She hoped it wasn’t too late to retrieve it.
But who was she to attempt the task? She wasn’t going to marry him. Any woman who attempted to tear down the walk he’d built against the censure of the town would have to stay to make sure he survived.
“I’d better be going,” Russ said. “The children will be here before long.”
She didn’t want him to go. She didn’t know what to say about what he’d written. It seemed so personal, so beyond her experience, that it would be impertinent to pretend she could understand.
“Will you be here next week?” She wanted to know if he intended to stop coming now that Welt could help him.
“Yes.”
“Will you write something else?”
“We’ll see. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For not saying anything about what I wrote.”
“If you didn’t want me to say anything about it, why did you show it to me?”
“So you’d know.”
With those words, he seemed to turn into a different person. He was once more the confident, successful, unreachable rancher everybody knew.
He held up the book and waved it at her. “I’m going to finish it this week.” He grinned broadly before turning to Tardy. “Don’t expect people to act different. People are slow to accept change, even when they like it.”
Then he went out the front door, almost defying anyone to see him and ask what he was doing there.
“I always liked Mr. Tibbolt,” Tardy said to Tanzy, “but I never realized he could be so nice.”
“Neither did I.” She wondered what he would have been like if he hadn’t killed Toley Pullet, if he’d never gone to prison, if people had liked him.
Asking such a question was as pointless as wondering what she would have been like if she’d been surrounded by sisters-in-law and dozens of happy, noisy, naughty nieces and nephews instead of burying her family one by one. Or how she would have felt about men if her father had treated her and her mother with love and respect. The accidents of their lives had shaped their personalities, and there was nothing they could do about that.
Or was there?
“What was Russ doing at the schoolhouse this morning?” Betty Hicks asked Tanzy. The woman was waiting outside for Tanzy to come out.
“You can go on home,” Tanzy said to Tardy. “I’m sure Miss Hicks will be glad to make sure I get to the hotel safely.”
“You will tell my aunt you told me to go if she asks, won’t you?” Tardy asked.
“Sure.”
“See you tomorrow,” he said and hurried away.
“I don’t know why you waste your time on that stupid boy,” Betty said.
“Tardy has a great deal of ability, and one of these days people are going to realize it.”
“You don’t know anything about people out here,” Betty scoffed.
“I don’t think people are very different wherever they happen to be.”
“Which just goes to prove you don’t know what you’re talking about. Now what was Russ doing at the schoolhouse? And you needn’t deny it, because I saw him coming out.”
“I’m not going to deny it. Anybody could have seen him if they happened to be down by the schoolhouse at that time.”
The schoolhouse was set in a grove of trees by the small creek that flowed around Boulder Gap. Anybody wanting to know who was coming and going at the schoolhouse would have to go well out of their way to find out. Apparently Betty had done just that.
“That’s Russ’s business. If you want to know, you’ll have to ask him.”
Betty looked more suspicious than ever. “What did you tell him to make him come here?”
“I doubt anybody can force Russ to do anything he doesn’t want to do.”
“You’re trying to get him to marry you.”
They had cleared the trees and were in view of the town. Tanzy stopped and turned to face Betty. “Everybody knows I decided not to marry Russ. In fairness to him, everybody needs to know he decided he didn’t want to marry me either. The only reason I’m still here is to earn the money to repay him for bringing me from St. Louis.”
“I think you’ve changed your mind,” Betty said.
Tanzy started walking again. “Why should I do that?”
“Once you realized what it was like to be a single woman out here, you decided he was too rich and good-looking to turn down.”
“I doubt you’ll believe this, but it was worse in St. Louis.”
Betty stopped suddenly, put a hand out to stop Tanzy. “I had a feeling that first day you looked familiar. Now I’m sure I’ve seen you. Maybe we worked at the same place once.”
“I’m sure we didn’t,” Tanzy said. “We may have passed each other on the street, but it’s more probable I look like somebody you used to know.”
“Where did you live? Where did you work?”
“Look, you’ve obviously confused me with somebody else. Now I need to go.”
“You won’t get Russ to marry you.”
“Since I don’t want to marry him, that ought to be a relief to both of us.”
“Russ loves me. He’s going to marry me.”
Tanzy knew she should have just kept going, but a demon of jealousy made her stand her ground. “This is really none of my business, but since you’re doing your best to make it my business, what makes you think Russ wants to marry you? I understand that he rarely comes to town and that he is never seen in any woman’s company. That doesn’t sound like a lover’s behavior to me.”
“Russ and I have been in love ever since we were kids. It near broke my heart when they sent him to prison. Everybody knows Toley Pullet thought he was a real slick gun hand. He’d already killed one man.”
“Why didn’t he marry you when he got out of prison?”
“He said it was unfair to condemn any woman to the hell he had to live in. He doesn’t come to town often, but when he does, he always comes to the saloon to see me.”
“Why did you go to St. Louis?”
“I thought maybe I’d meet some nice man, get married and have a family, but I didn’t meet anybody who could measure up to him.”
Tanzy hadn’t met anyone who could measure up to Russ either.
“So you came back hoping he’d marry you?”
“He would have if you hadn’t come along.”
“Betty, I don’t know what more I can say to convince you I’m not going to marry Russ and that he doesn’t want to marry me.”
“Then what was he doing at the schoolhouse this morning?”
“Not ask
ing me to marry him, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Tanzy said, beginning to lose patience. “Now I really have to be going.” They had come to a stop before the hotel.
“I know I’ve seen you before,” Betty said. “I never forget a face. I’ll find out what you’re doing and put a stop to it. Russ is going to marry me.”
“Are you still deluding yourself that Russ Tibbolt will ever make you his wife?”
Tanzy turned around to find Ethel Peters had approached them. Betty looked angry as well as slightly intimidated.
“I love Russ and he loves me. He’s just having a hard time getting over being in prison and everybody hating him for killing a man who deserved killing.”
“Nobody deserves killing,” Ethel said severely, “not even one as shameful as Toley Pullet. There were plenty of witnesses to what happened.”
“All paid hands of Stocker Pullet,” Betty said.
“Russ had a history of trouble before the fight with Toley,” Ethel said. “I’m sorry he had to go to prison, but more sorry he came back.”
“Why?” Tanzy asked.
“He’s rustling. How else do you think he got all those cows?” Ethel asked when she saw Tanzy’s surprise. “He used to spend every penny he got on liquor; then he’d get drunk and get in fights. I’m sorry he had to go to prison, but the quiet after he left sure was a relief.”
Tanzy found it difficult to believe the absence of one man, no matter how noisy, could have made a noticeable difference in the nighttime atmosphere of Boulder Gap. Even more of a problem was how to reconcile the man Ethel was describing with the one who wrote that short composition. Russ had changed, something apparently neither Ethel nor Betty could understand.
“I got to go,” Betty said. “Good day,” she said to Ethel before turning to Tanzy and saying, “I’m warning you: Stay away from Russ.”
“She’s like that with any woman she sees talking to Russ,” Ethel said. “Now tell me what my nephew is doing when he should have been protecting you from Betty.”
“I told him to go when I saw Betty wanted to talk to me. I figured it might be something he shouldn’t hear.”
“He’s watching out for you?”
“He’s always on time, is unfailingly polite, helps me with the younger children, and never leaves me alone with Jem.”
Ethel’s snort was not elegant. “That boy needs a good talking to, and I’m of a mind to give it to him.”
“He doesn’t bother me. Besides, protecting me has given Tardy a whole new way of seeing himself.”
Ethel seemed to relax. “I have noticed a change in his general behavior. He’s doing his work and he’s not nearly so absentminded. I’m thankful for the beneficial effect you’ve had on him.”
“He’s a nice boy who’s a little slow growing up. I think you’ll find he’ll turn into a very fine young man.”
“If so, it’ll be to your credit. Is everything going well with the school? I haven’t heard any complaints from the parents.”
“I need more teaching materials.”
“I’ll do what I can, but getting money for education out of the town council is like finding hen’s teeth.”
“Maybe you could approach some of the parents about making personal contributions,” Tanzy said.
“That’s a good idea. Well, I must be going. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
The thought that she’d like to know more about what Russ was like when he was younger flashed through her mind, but she pushed it aside. It would only make her want to know still more.
Have you ever spent a summer night lying on your back staring at the stars in the sky? Did you ever try to count them? Did you ever wonder how far away they were? How they got up there? If they ever moved or just hung there twinkling like they had a secret and were dying to tell you what it was? Did you ever wonder why people try so hard to make themselves feel important when the whole world around us is proof we’re insignificant?
I enjoy taking the night watch at the pass. I like the quiet and the solitude. You don’t have to try to be anything. You don’t have to fulfill any expectations. Nobody is depending on you for anything. It’s just you and the night sky, some sleepy cows, and a forest full of animals that couldn’t give a damn about you. Even the squirrels don’t pay you any attention because they know you can’t harm them.
It doesn’t make me feel powerless the same way picking up a rifle does. It doesn ‘t make me feel rejected like riding into town. It doesn’t make me feel lonely like being in a crowd. The night and the emptiness welcome me, hold me close, take me for what I am.
The schoolhouse door opened, and Tanzy looked up to see Jem enter. She had finally convinced Tardy he didn’t need to walk her home every afternoon, so she was alone. “I didn’t see you in school today,” she said.
“I don’t need any more schooling,” Jem said, advancing slowly toward her.
“That’s not what your mother thinks.”
“Ma thinks I ought to go to college, but I’m not going to be a preacher like her pa.”
Tanzy couldn’t imagine Jem as a preacher. As far as she could tell, the only thing he believed in was his impressive good looks. Jem believed he was irresistible to women. From what she’d seen, the young women of Boulder Gap had given him no reason to doubt himself.
“I wasn’t thinking about a college education,” Tanzy said, “though with enough application you might find that very beneficial.”
“The only reason I’m not working for my pa right now is Ma’s insisting I go to school, but I’m tired of sitting around all day in a room full of children.”
“You’re still young. There’s so much you can—”
“I’m a man!” Jem declared. “Look at me. Do I look like a boy?”
He was handsome enough in face and body to have women who ought to know better give him a second and third look, but he was immature.
“A man’s maturity isn’t measured only by his physical growth,” she said. “The internal is more important, the mental and emotional, the spiritual and—”
“All that stuff can wait,” Jem argued. He’d come so close to Tanzy that she had to stop herself from stepping back. “I’m a man in body, and I want what a man is supposed to have. I want a wife. I want to get married.”
Trying to see Jem as a husband was difficult. Visualizing him as a parent was absurd. He acted liked a child himself.
“I don’t know why you’re telling me this, but if you’re hoping I’ll intervene with your parents—”
Jem stepped forward and grabbed her arms with both hands. His action so surprised her, she stopped in mid-sentence.
“I’m telling you because I want to marry you,” he said.
“You can’t possibly be in love with me,” Tanzy said, too surprised to watch her words carefully.
“I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. Annie told me what a fool I was to act the way I did that first day, but I wanted you to see I wasn’t a boy like that stupid Tardy.”
Tardy’s not stupid. He’s—”
Jem’s grip tightened, pulled her closer. “You’ve got to know I love you. I haven’t taken my eyes off you.”
Actually, he’d spent a lot of his time flirting with any girl who’d pay him attention. “Look, Jem, I don’t know why you’ve decided you love me, but I assure you—”
“You’re the most beautiful woman in Boulder Gap,” Jem said.
There’s a lot more to marriage than looks.”
“I know. I can’t wait for our wedding night either. I’ve dreamed about it for weeks. I know what to do. I’m not inexperienced,” he said proudly.
The thought of being the object of an adolescent boy’s sexual fantasies made Tanzy’s blood run cold. “I’m sorry if I’ve done anything to mislead you, but I don’t love you.”
“That’s okay. You’ll come to love me. Everybody does.”
This boy was living in a fantasy world. What had his parents been doing all this t
ime?
“I’m two years older than you. Besides, you still live at home and have to answer to your parents.”
“I’ll buy a house. You’ll have money to buy beautiful dresses. I’ll give you jewels and—”
“Listen to me!” Tanzy said, desperate to inject some reality into Jem’s thinking. “I don’t love you and I won’t marry you. There are lots of young girls who’ll—”
“I don’t want a girl. I want a woman.”
“A woman wants a man, not a boy.”
Jem’s face twisted in anger. “Maybe this will convince you I’m a man.”
Chapter Eleven
Russ didn’t see any students around, but that wasn’t the reason he paused outside the schoolhouse. He was breaking his own rule by appearing in the afternoon. But knowing he was doing something stupid hadn’t been enough to make him turn back. Neither did the possibility that she didn’t want to see him. She had a hold on him he couldn’t break, one she didn’t appear to want any more than he did. The thought of being a helpless slave like the man who’d pretended to be his father made his blood run cold.
Now that Welt was helping him, he didn’t need to see her at all. Besides, she was bringing out parts of him that he didn’t want disturbed. What on earth made him write the things he did to her? It was as if she was his conscience or something. That was more dangerous than the physical attraction. Once a woman got hold of your body and your mind, you were a goner. He’d better turn around and pretend he’d never heard of Tanzy Gallant.
But he heard a sound from inside the schoolhouse that had nothing to do with learning. Russ bounded up the steps and flung open the door. Shock immobilized him when he saw Tanzy in the arms of a man. How could he have been tormenting himself over a woman who was flinging herself into the arms of another man?
“Stop!”
The single word clarified everything for Russ. Less than a half-dozen strides carried him to the front of the schoolhouse. He reached for the back of the man’s shirt and virtually lifted him off the floor as he pulled him away from Tanzy.
His right arm was pulled back, ready to smash into the face of the bastard, when he realized the man was Jem. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, boy?” Russ demanded.
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