Jonathan's Legacy

by Hans M Hirschi

  “Yes, absolutely. I’m happy for you guys.”

  Marc cautioned, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’ve done this love on first sight once. Give us time. We don’t want to rush into anything, okay?”

  Adam tried to steer the conversation in a different direction. “How are the renovations going?”

  “Glad you asked,” Cody said. “Someone from social services was here today, looking at our progress, and she was happy with what she saw. Initially, they have four kids in mind who would be able to move in here: two girls and two boys, aged seven to fourteen. They’re currently in a city home, but apparently, they need special attention and care, so they think we might be a great place for them.”

  Parker had a question for Adam. “Marc told me today that you’re free to work with us now. What did you have in mind?”

  “Well, I have a hunch that those kids are severely traumatized. Who knows what they’ve been through, what they’ve experienced. I’d be more than happy to help with their treatment as your resident counselor.”

  “Wow, you would do that?”

  “Yes, I would. As I was telling Marc earlier, I have personal reasons to be grateful to your family.”

  “Yeah, you never explained that,” Marc said.

  Adam took a deep breath, trying to figure out where to begin. “Remember how I told you about my parents? The fact that they are Korean Pentecostalists? Well, the Korean arm of that church broke away from other Pentecostal movements about thirty years ago, when the latter accepted homosexuality and began to perform gay wedding ceremonies. At the time, I was just about to enter puberty, and when I told my parents I was gay, they threw me out. I ended up in one of the centers that your family foundation sponsored. I lived in one of those group homes my entire high school years and didn’t leave until I graduated and began college.”

  “Wow. That is so cool!” Parker said. “I’ve never actually met one of our kids. I’m so glad the foundation was able to help you.”

  “Yes, in more ways than one. They also paid for my college tuition, enabling me to become a doctor. You have no idea what my life would’ve been like without the help of your family.”

  Marc was thinking. “But didn’t you tell me that you were in Korea recently, with your parents?”

  Adam sighed. “Yes, I did, didn’t I? After I finished college and began my internship at Mercy, my dad was admitted one night, with a heart attack. I was in the ER doing my rounds, and we got to talking. I hadn’t seen him in over a decade. He’d grown old. Mom had been in Korea at the time. It was up to me to call and tell her Dad was at the hospital. After that, we kind of began to talk again, but it’s precarious. I could never really tell them about my relationship, you know, this one—” he pointed at his ring “—and every time my mom sees the ring, she cringes. I don’t think they’ll ever come around. But we talk, and we have Sunday dinner somewhere in the city, on neutral ground, about once a month.”

  “Wow.” Cody was blown away. “I can’t even imagine my life without my mom. That must’ve been really hard for you.”

  “It was, and it wasn’t. I know most people these days don’t have a proper coming out anymore, since most people don’t really care, but we seem to forget that there is value in the process. You must re-evaluate your basic core values, what is really important to you in your life. It’s like deconstructing your life then putting the pieces back together again, in a new and better way—your way. It teaches us what’s really important in our lives, which relationships are meaningful and which aren’t. And sometimes, family is more than just your blood relatives. Sometimes, real family is made up of a patchwork of people, friends, relatives. The important thing is that they love you unconditionally. Who they are is secondary.”

  Cody nodded, thoughtfully. “You’re right. It was easy for me, even though my dad was kind of an idiot, but probably more because of his relationship to my mom than anything else.”

  “Coming out is still not easy, though,” Parker commented. “I remember it took me a lot of courage to tell my family at Granddad’s funeral, even though he and Grandpa were gay. I don’t know why. It just was difficult to say it, even though I knew they wouldn’t have an issue with it. But when you look at what’s going on in shows and movies, it’s still largely straight, so everybody still assumes you are straight. It’s the norm, and even though being different is okay, it’s still a step to say it, make it public.”

  “True.” Adam nodded. “Heteronormativity is and will probably always permeate our society. I’m just glad we got this far. There are still pockets around the world where being gay is illegal and where you can get beat up and killed. We are extremely lucky here.”

  * * * * *

  Chapter 8 - Susan

  After another month of finishing up the renovations, four kids had moved into the house. At first, they were very shy, mostly stayed in their rooms, and rarely joined the adults for meals. They didn’t say much, but Marc wasn’t surprised. He had studied the case files of each of the kids, and each seemed to be a bigger horror story than the last: domestic abuse, alcoholic or drug-using parents, no emotional connection, no love. Whatever he could think of, these kids had experienced all of it, and at very young ages.

  One of them, Susan, had lived on the streets for a while, hustling. At twelve years of age, she looked as if she were eighteen. She had apparently matured early, and her parents had used her to make a bit of money on the side, or so the file said. Marc was horrified by what he read. Clearly, Susan would need a lot of time, and a lot of healing, if she were ever to become a trusting human being again.

  A couple of weeks after moving in, Adam had come by for his first counseling session with Susan. Marc felt that of the four kids, she was in the most immediate need for help. Then again, all the files were sketchy at best, and nobody knew what the kids had really gone through.

  Adam knocked on Susan’s bedroom door, hoping to talk with her in private. “Susan? May I come in for a minute?” He had already met all the kids and been introduced to them both in his professional capacity and as the person dating Marc. He and Marc had been taking it slowly, and he had yet to spend the night, but that wasn’t because of a lack of want or lust, more due to the circumstances. With the renovation and the kids moving in, the right moment just hadn’t arrived yet. Adam heard no response and knocked again. “Susan? Mind if I come in?”

  After still hearing nothing, he knocked a third time, louder, and then opened the door. Susan was lying on her bed, listening to music. Adam approached her in a way that would let her see him quickly without giving the impression he was trying to surprise her. “Susan?” he said again, more loudly this time, in the hopes to get her attention. It worked.

  “Adam? I didn’t hear you come in.” She took off her earphones.

  “I knocked. Three times.” She gave him a confused look and held up her earphones. “Yeah, I see that now. Listen, I was wondering if maybe we could talk for a bit?”

  Susan gave him a puzzled look. She knew, of course, that they had a session scheduled, but Adam got the feeling the kids weren’t all that interested in having their minds probed.

  “Okay,” she said flatly, and Adam saw her defenses go up.

  “You needn’t worry, Susan. While I am a psychiatrist by profession, it’s not my intention to poke around in your head, or to diagnose you. I just want to get to know you. It’s my job to make sure that you kids have someone you can confide in about some of the things you’ve experienced. Together, we’ll try to put them in perspective and help you move on. But this is about you, your needs, what you want.”

  “Okay.”

  “So, would you rather we have our chat here, or do you want to go downstairs? We can go in the study, or in the kitchen. Either way, it’s just you and me in the house right now. The others are out, getting groceries.”

  “Here is fine.”

  “Okay. Just keep this in mind, Susan. I want this place, your room, to be your sanctuary. I’m h
appy to talk to you here today, as we’re really just getting to know each other. But once we move on to talk about questions you have about life, about adults, or if you feel you want to tell me something, we’ll do it elsewhere. This room should always be your safe place, okay?”

  Adam looked at Susan, who was sitting on her bed, looking at him. As he’d said the word “sanctuary,” she’d briefly glanced around the room—a room she’d occupied for a couple of weeks, yet it was still very much void of any personal touches. It looked exactly as it did when she’d moved in. At this stage, she probably didn’t believe it was much of a sanctuary.

  “Hey, listen, don’t you have any posters you’d like to put up? You know, of your favorite music group, or movie star? Why don’t you decorate the room a bit, make it your home.”

  “Because it’s not my home.”

  “How so?”

  “Because I don’t have a home. I used to, back at Mom and Dad’s, but they threw me out, so…”

  “Well, that doesn’t mean you will never have a home again, does it?”

  Susan shrugged. “I’ve been in four group homes in the past year. You tell me. How long will I stay here?” Her words tore through Adam like a knife.

  He nodded. “I hear you. You’ve only been here two weeks, but have any of us—the boys, Marc, or I—given you any indication that you living here would be short term only?” Susan shrugged again, looking down at the floor.

  “What does home mean to you, Susan? Is there anything that makes a house a home?”

  She looked up at him, surprised at the question. She’d probably never even thought about it before. Adam could almost see the synapses firing as she tried to put into words what “home” meant.

  “This is going to sound childish, or stupid,” she began, “but isn’t home where you know you belong?”

  Adam nodded. “Yes, that’s a very good answer. But how do you know where you belong?”

  Again, she thought, and after a while, she gave him a defiant smile. “Kids belong to their parents.”

  It was Adam’s turn to think about how to respond to her claim. He observed the girl, the way she looked at him triumphantly for having put him on the spot with this ultimate claim of parenthood, the biological bond. After a few seconds’ pause, he put up his hands against his chin, as if in prayer, and said, “You’re absolutely right that children and their parents belong—” and emphasizing the last word “—together. That relationship, the bond between parent and child, however, is never that of ownership. Being a child is very different from your earphones, or any other piece of property you can discard at any time if you don’t want it anymore. Does that make sense?” Adam was hoping she’d understand.

  “Then why was I discarded?” Again, her words were like stabs in his heart. How could any child, at her age, have felt like this?

  “You’re very perceptive, Susan. Yes, sometimes parents do not know how to look after their children. They make mistakes, sometimes because they are young, sometimes because drugs or alcohol cloud their judgment, sometimes because they are ill. They make mistakes, horrible mistakes. And sometimes, parents lose that bond with their kids, that mutual belonging, and the government has to step in and look after those kids. Which is why they are placed in homes or institutions, where they are safe from the mistakes made by their parents.”

  “But I still don’t have a home,” Susan challenged him.

  “There is an old saying: home is where the heart is. In time, you’ll come to understand what it means. What I would like you to do, for now, is to at least try to make this your home. I’ll make you a deal. We—Parker, Cody, Marc, and I—will do our utmost to make you want to stay. Because here’s the thing. This is not meant to be a temporary placement. All four of us would like for you, Amy, Jeff, and Kyle to stay here with us for as long as you need.

  “We are a home placement, albeit a bit bigger than most foster homes, but that’s what this is. And the reason it’s bigger is because Parker and Cody had this big house all to themselves after their grandfather passed away, and they wanted to do something for children who needed a new home. They want you to stay, until you’re old enough to live on your own. Parker and Cody want you to feel that this is your home. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but eventually.”

  Susan looked at him, clearly not convinced.

  “Let’s play a little game, shall we? If this were your home, what would you like to do?”

  She gave Adam a quizzical look, yet she seemed intrigued by the idea of a game, and, no doubt, the possibility of challenging this adult.

  “Eat ice cream on the couch, watch a movie, have my feet on the coffee table? I hate always being in here.”

  Adam couldn’t help but smile. “That sounds like a reasonable thing to do. Have you checked if there’s ice cream in the freezer?”

  “No, of course not. I don’t live here, I can’t go through their stuff.”

  “But you do.”

  “Do what?”

  “Live here. Susan, you do live here now. So it’s your right to go through the freezer, and the fridge. If you’re hungry, you’re supposed to go down to the kitchen to make a sandwich. This isn’t a restaurant. This is a house, a home. People live here. When Cody’s hungry, he goes to the kitchen for a snack, he doesn’t wait for meal time. Come on, let’s go.”

  “Go where?”

  “Get ice cream, of course.” Adam opened the bedroom door and gestured Susan to go ahead. The two walked downstairs and into the kitchen, where Adam got two bowls out of the cupboard before checking the freezer for ice cream. He found some vanilla and Rocky Road, which he scooped liberally into the two bowls. He asked Susan to grab two spoons and then placed the bowls on the old kitchen table.

  “Have a seat.”

  “But,” Susan protested, “are you sure we’re allowed?”

  “I promise you, it’s fine. You live in this house now, and if you want ice cream, you just get some.” Susan was already eating away; no child needed to be told twice to eat ice cream. Adam had to smile, but he offered a small warning. “Just remember, it’s okay to snack, but make sure you leave enough room for regular meals. I don’t think Marc would appreciate it if you didn’t eat his cooking.”

  Susan smiled. “That’s no problem, I eat like a horse.”

  “That’s good to know. Now, what else did you say you did in your home? Watch a movie? Anything in particular you like?”

  Susan shrugged. “I like action movies, you know, where stuff is blown up?”

  “Okay,” Adam said. “I think we can arrange that. Let’s just eat our ice cream first. I don’t think we want to get stains on the couch, but I’ll fix us some popcorn for the movie.”

  ***

  When the others returned from their shopping trip, Adam and Susan were in the living room, watching the latest action stunt movie, feet on the coffee table, munching away at popcorn.

  “Hey, guys,” Parker said, walking into the living room. “Are you having fun?”

  “Hey, you’re back. How was the shopping trip?”

  “Good. I think we’ve stocked up on everything for a few days.” Parker turned to Susan and added, “If there’s anything missing in the fridge or pantry, let me know, and we’ll get it in the morning, okay?”

  Susan nodded and returned her attention to a car chase on the vid-screen.

  To Adam, Parker said, “Hey, can I see you for a minute?”

  “Sure, what’s up?” Adam got up from the couch and joined Parker out in the hallway.

  “How are things with her?”

  “You need to give her time. She’s been through more group homes than you’d believe. She has to learn to trust you. The first lesson today was to help her feel she belongs here. I’m not sure we’re done yet, but I think a first step’s been taken. Just be patient. She’ll be testing you guys, testing your limits, your resolve—she’ll probably drive you crazy with strange demands. Be firm, don’t let her rule you, but make sure that her roo
m is a space she can retreat to, to be herself and be alone. Her room has to be her sanctuary.”

  “Gotcha. I think we’ve made some progress with Amy and Jeff today, too. Kyle, I’m not so sure, but he requested a burger and fries for dinner, so that’s what we’re having. Hey, maybe you could talk to him next? He’s been through so much.”

  “I will. I need to finish this with Susan first, all right?”

  “Sure thing. We’re in the kitchen, unpacking, getting dinner ready.” Parker glanced into the living room on his way past and called to Susan, “Go easy on the popcorn, will you, please? Dinner will be ready in half an hour.”

  Susan nodded without turning her head.

  Parker returned to the kitchen, while Adam took his seat next to Susan again.

  “Am I in trouble?”

  “You? In trouble? Why would you say that?”

  “Well, you were whispering out there.”

  “Nah, it’s just something we had to discuss. You’re fine. Just save a little bit of room for dinner. I hear they’re making hamburgers and fries.”

  “Okay, I like burgers.”

  “Glad to hear it. I need to go to the restroom, and then I’ll check in with Marc in the kitchen. Are you good in here?”

  Susan nodded, already completely absorbed by the movie again. Adam smiled and got up. That would be enough for today. They’d have plenty of opportunity to talk to each other in the future.

  * * * * *

  Chapter 9 - Dinner Date

  “I’m so glad you asked me out.” Marc put his hand on Adam’s and added, “It’s been crazy at the house these past few days.

  “Oh? Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve come out to help.”

  “No, not that sort of crazy. Just that the kids are finally settling in. Susan and Jeff are watching films every free minute, Amy managed to destroy one of the walls in her room with crayons…” Marc had to laugh. “You should’ve seen it. It’s almost like a mural. She drew our house on the wall, the car, and all of us are on it. You and I are even holding hands. She’s quite the artist.”