by Kate Temple
I really don’t know what kind of medical emergency you need sweeties for, though … I mean, I’ve never heard of a paramedic fixing a broken leg with a jelly snake. But maybe they do … I sure hope so. Anyway, tomorrow we’ll bring in the rest of the beans and then we can guess.
Yours medically,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Wow. That’s too bad your mum is really down on sugar. I know that sugar is pretty bad for you, but in Science Girls we use it to do cool stuff too. Here’s three amazing things you can do with sugar:
1. Make chemical-free wasp traps
2. Feed butterflies
3. Attract alien life forms.
Also, word has gotten out that you will probably only have vegetable sticks in the lolly bags at your birthday party and also that your cake might have zucchini in it. So I’m sorry to say, you might have a few people cancel. I think someone told them your mum is really anti-lollies and even keeps jelly beans in the first-aid kit :(
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Hmm … was that person YOU!? Well, your propaganda seems to be working, because Lucas Terrazzo just told me he couldn’t make it to my party anymore because he’s allergic to zucchini! Did YOU tell everyone I’m having a zucchini birthday cake???
Yours greenly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
P.S. Thank you for that scientific list about sugar. I am totally telling my mum. And I might try a few of those things myself. I’m quite interested in trapping an alien butterfly. See you tomorrow with the beans!
WE HAVE A LOT OF BEANS! So excited! Thanks for bringing in some jelly beans from home, too. Now I know why your mum keeps them in the first aid kit—those are medical jelly beans! I’ve seen them for sale at the chemist. They’re for people who have that rare jelly bean disease (how lucky are they!?!). Actually, you’d be even luckier if you got a disease where you had to eat Strawberry Crackle Dust! Soooo yum. I’m having a whole pond of it at my party. (You’re going to love it, because you’re going to MOVE your party and come to mine after you lose the guessing competition!)
Are you ready to guess???
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I’m going to guess AFTER lunch. I never guess about sweeties on an empty stomach. I once knew a kid who guessed negative 6 million jelly pineapples because his mum forgot to pack his lunch. No sir. That will not be me. I will have a good hard look at that tin of lollies and make my official guess this afternoon.
Also, did you hear the rumour that Ms Fennel has a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT to make today? I’m a massive fan of big announcements.
Yours excitedly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
We ALL heard the rumour that she has a big announcement, because she TOLD us she has a big announcement! I can’t wait either. I’m not sure exactly what it is but here are my top three guesses:
1. We’re getting an ice rink.
2. We’re getting a mermaid tank.
3. I’m getting another award for generally being amazing!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
P.S. NO MORE DELAYS! We have to guess the sweeties now so we can get this birthday mess sorted out! Then we have to count them so we know who’s right. It will take ages to count them all up—there’s hundreds of them!!!
Dear Alice,
Nice try. There’s exactly 7,149,451,009.
Yours precisely,
Captain Jimmy Cook
No way! More like 562. Now that we’ve written down our guesses, there’s changing them. All guesses are FINAL! We’ll have to count them tomorrow because now it’s time for Ms Fennel’s BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
The class is getting a 3D PRINTER!!!!!!
This is the best news EVER!
I mean EVER.
It’s even better than that time Ms Fennel said we were each getting a miniature pig to help with maths (they are so smart!). But a 3D printer? Now that really takes the cake!
I’ll be able to FINALLY make all my cool ideas in real life. I have so many awesome plans for stuff to print in 3D. Here are my top three:
1. A life-size igloo
2. A third arm that actually works
3. An unsinkable submarine.
I wonder where Ms Fennel will put the 3D printer? It could go on my desk. That way I can keep a very close eye on it and make sure no one’s doing anything illegal with it, like 3D-printing their own bum. It’s a pretty serious piece of equipment and really shouldn’t be used to print anyone’s bum. I’ll probably need to go first to see if it’s safe.
Yours printingly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
I had no idea! I was actually secretly expecting that the big announcement would be about the junior origami competition I just won, but this is great too ;) I also have SO MANY ideas for things to print. Here are my top three:
1. A replacement unicorn spike
2. Sonic ear cups that give you amazing hearing
3. Little trophies with my own head on them that I can give to everyone at my party.
Also, I’m not sure it would be a good idea for you to go first. You have a pretty record for creating disaster!
Actually, I think I should use the 3D printer first because I’m the most responsible. Also I heard that it takes ages to print stuff and I DON’T want to get stuck behind you printing a Hawaiian whale or whatever.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
P.S. I’m pretty sure Ms Fennel never said we were getting our own miniature maths pigs!
Dear Alice,
Pity about the pigs; I’ve been wondering when they’d turn up…
But this 3D printer will totally make up for it. By the way, Ms Fennel said that when we get the printer, we’ll be taking turns in alphabetical order, which is always the fairest way. Also, it means, I’m sorry to say, you’re nearly last! Even after Lucas Terrazzo! Which is really bad for you, because he told me that he’s planning on 3D-printing a giant space squid, which is a REAL ALIEN that grows bigger than the moon. You could be about 100 years old before you even get a go.
But don’t worry, you can watch me print all my amazing designs!
Yours geniusly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Alice,
Did you just tell Ms Fennel that alphabetical order was NOT fair??? Because I think you did and now she’s doing it in order of who’s got the most class stars! This is extremely bad news for me, because I am really talented at alphabetical order and not so great at winning those stupid gold stars! I know my rights, you know, and as a someone with a last name starting with C, I deserve to be going almost-first!
Yours alphabetically,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
OF COURSE I told Ms Fennel alphabetical order was not fair! It’s not! :( Like I said, there’s NO WAY I’m getting stuck behind Lucas Terrazzo and his stupid space squid. Besides, I’ve decided to print woodland princess tiaras for EVERYONE coming to my party, so I really have to be first so that they’re ready.
Anyway, there’s plenty of time for you to brush up on your class point skills. Maybe instead of trying to invent a new language that humans and axolotls can both speak, you should try some more classic ways of earning class points. For example:
1. Pick up rubbish in the class (but make sure you let the teacher know you’re doing it!).
2. If someone is sick, take them to sick bay. If someone is not sick, still take them to sick bay.
3. Do dance routines to cheer up people who look sad at lunchtime.
Speaking of which, we haven’t counted the jelly beans yet! REMEMBER THE JELLY BEANS?!?
We need to do this NOW so that I can organise my birthday details. I’m basically a million per cent sure I guessed right, so if you want, we can
just skip the counting and DECLARE ME THE WINNER!!!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Um, let me think … do I want to just declare you the winner? Umm … no.
Yes, we DO need to count the jelly beans, and I think you’ll find I guessed the exact right number. We don’t really have time now because school is almost over and straight after I have to go with my mum to OfficePerks. I’m not usually a fan of shopping, but OfficePerks has some really weird stuff, like inflatable televisions, forks you can eat and snow machines! And I really need a snow machine for my party so I can make it look exactly like we’re trapped in a blizzard. See you tomorrow for the COUNT!
Yours confidently,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
Fine. But we’re counting them FIRST THING tomorrow. NO MORE DELAYS!
See you then!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Good morning, Alice,
Did you by any chance notice that Ms Fennel’s done something very strange with her hair and also become a Russian spy wearing dark glasses?????
Yours suspiciously,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
That’s NOT Ms Fennel!!! That’s a substitute teacher! Also not a very nice one. It’s Mr. Macaloon! Only the WORST substitute teacher in the world!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
That explains everything! I was really worried. I thought Ms Fennel had become a secret agent and that’s why she was wearing sunglasses and was also a man. Why do we have a substitute teacher, anyway? Has Ms Fennel gone to the Arctic Circle to collect microscopic snow fleas?
Yours interestedly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
She’s gone on a course to learn how to use the 3D printer we’re getting! Don’t you remember Ms Fennel telling us that? Right after she told us we were getting a 3D printer for the class??? Oh yeah, I forgot that you were too busy doing that weird little happy dance and singing that 3D printer song you made up, so NO WONDER you didn’t hear.
Anyway, Mr Macaloon is literally the worst. I heard he makes kids colour in baby pictures of smiling trucks or whatever while he just has a sleep! And apparently he snores! And also dribbles! And even farts!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Substitute teachers’ farts are no laughing matter! They are seriously some of the most deadly farts out there and smell like cauliflower and budgie poo. And that’s not just me saying that, that’s science!
But I’m very sorry to say teacher farts are not the biggest problem we have. Have you seen what Mr Macaloon is munching while he makes us colour in these stupid pictures of smiling butterflies? HAVE YOU???
Yours unbelievably,
Captain Jimmy Cook
He’s eating our jelly beans!
Look at him, he’s eating them by the handful! He’s already gobbled like half the tin! That is SOOOOOOO RUDE. I could totally report him to the police for this, because you know what this is? THIS IS STEALING! He’s robbing us! And even worse than that, he’s ruined our guessing competition!
Dear Alice,
There’s no doubt about it. This is bad, very bad. He’s just munching and munching them! He’s going to eat them ALL (although he does seem to be avoiding the black ones … which is smart).
He didn’t even ask, so you’re right, that is VERY rude. In Ancient Rome, if you didn’t ask before eating someone else’s jelly beans, they fed you to pelicans! That’s what should happen here! I was totally planning on using all those jelly beans (after I won!) at my party as husky dog droppings on my cake (and yes, huskies do have multi-coloured poo, look it up if you don’t believe me.)
But don’t worry. I’ve been counting how many times he sticks his hand in the tin. So far that’s five times. If each handful has like 10 jelly beans, that’s 50? We can still work out how many are in the jar?
Yours hopefully,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Alice,
Well, that didn’t go very well. At first, I was going to make YOU do it, because that ‘sore toe’ excuse was so obviously fake. But then I remembered I’m basically an expert when it comes to dangerous creatures of the deep and a substitute teacher who gobbles jelly beans certainly falls into THAT category.
I only got a very quick look inside the tin, because once he saw me, he just snatched it away and told me to go and sit down and colour in a smiling flowerpot. Clearly he doesn’t know anything about me. If he did, he would know I am totally against flowers with smiley faces. Anyway, I didn’t get to count the exact number of jelly beans, but I can tell you it’s between 2 jelly beans and 75 million, and it’s mostly black ones left. Does that help?
Yours helpfully,
Captain Jimmy Cook
NO. IT DOES NOT HELP. He’s wrecked our competition! I’m going to report him to the principal. Mr Shufflebottom REALLY likes me and ever since I won that hang-glider for the school in the poetry competition, he’s pretty much my biggest fan. So I’m going to tell him that Mr Macaloon’s been eating our jelly beans. Do you want to come with me? I mean, I don’t NEED any help, but if you want to come, you can.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Thanks, I will come. I really like making official complaints and also Mr Shufflebottom has that weird bowl of dried fruit in his office. They’re kind of strange but I can’t stop eating them.
Yours hungrily,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
I should never have let you come with me to the principal’s office! What an epic fail! Mostly because you kept trying to eat his bowl of dried flowers (NOT FRUIT)!
Mr Shufflebottom actually seemed pretty annoyed that we brought so many jelly beans into school without permission. I mean, yes, we did bring heaps of candy, but it wasn’t even for eating—it was for guessing and guessing is a kind of maths and teachers LOVE maths, so he really SHOULD have been congratulating us.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
I suppose you’re right, it didn’t go that well, and not just because I accidentally ate his dried flowers (which was a very easy mistake to make). I think it’s pretty obvious that we’re not going to get rid of Mr Macaloon very easily. We’re just going to have to put up with him until Ms Fennel gets back.
Also, now that the lolly-guessing is officially wrecked, I guess we’ll have to call it a draw. So that means the birthday problem is not solved at all.
Yours sadly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
As much as I totally agree that Mr Macaloon has broken the law by illegally gobbling our jelly beans, I should probably remind you that there was no chance you were going to win that guessing competition anyway. You guessed a really random number that was more than SEVEN BILLION. I’m sorry to tell you that there’s absolutely no way that seven billion jelly beans were in that small jar. :( Seven billion jelly beans would be enough to build a jelly bean ladder to Jupiter. I do Science Girls, so I know.
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Do you know? Do you really know? I don’t think you do. I’m actually a bit of a mega-expert on jelly beans and also space ladders. I have built at LEAST five space ladders using different kinds of candy, and I can tell you that it’s a lot harder than it looks and takes heaps more sweeties than you would think. For example, my space ladder to one of the moons of Mercury took at least nine trillion jelly snakes. If you’re thinking of trying it yourself, I wouldn’t. It’s VERY dangerous and when you get there, everyone’s on fire and drinking hot milk.
So the point is, you don’t know if I guessed right or if I guessed wrong. You may think you do, but you can’t prove it because Mr Macaloon has gone and chomped most of the
beans and now we can’t EVER be sure.
Yours uncertainly,
Captain Jimmy Cook
Dear Jimmy,
FIRSTLY, Mercury doesn’t even have a moon.
SECONDLY, yes I can be sure, because it’s impossible to put so many beans in a jar. It’s much more likely that I was right because I just guessed 562!
Yours troolie,
Alice Toolie
Dear Alice,
Well, I’m pretty sure I know a moon of Mercury when I see it! Anyway, that’s not important right now. What’s important is that it looks like we’re stuck with Macaloon until Ms Fennel gets back. It could be days, it could be months, it could be years. I don’t know how long it takes to learn how to use a 3D printer. (I could learn it in about one second, but you know how adults are with technology.) So I say we find some other way of solving the birthday problem. Here are three suggestions:
