Dark Grace

by M. Lauryl Lewis

“Thanks. Abbey rubbed them with salt and chopped the onion down real fine.”

  “Nice job, Abs,” said Nate as he winked at the preteen. She beamed from the praise.

  “We need to cook it before it goes bad. Nate and Jane caught it this morning,” added Susan.

  The strips of fish were sizzling near the flames, and the scent of wild onion filled the air. My mouth began watering even though I was full from the chili. The ocean breeze had calmed down and the evening was quiet. The heat from the growing fire was warming my face. It felt like it was going to be a cold night.

  As the rest of our dinner was cooking, we started talking about plans for the next day. It was a discussion I had been dreading.

  “We need to make a scavenging run,” said Gus matter-of-factly. “Tomorrow.”

  I heard Emilie sigh deeply, and Gus wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

  “Who all will go?” asked Susan.

  “I don’t want anyone to go,” I mumbled.

  “We have to, darlin’. We desperately need more supplies,” replied Gus.

  I pouted. “I know. But I still don’t want anyone to go.” I lifted my wooden skewer and blew on my piece of cod. I was suddenly in a bad mood.

  “I think Abbey, Jane, and Zoe should stay behind,” said Nathan.

  “I’d like to leave at least one of us behind,” said Boggs. “I mean us guys.” He mentioned that they had seen the dead traveling in our general direction, but I figured there must be another reason he had in mind. Surely they couldn’t get from the mainland to our little island.

  “Probably wise,” said Nathan. “Gus, I know you won’t like it but since you have the medical experience I think you should stay behind, with Zoe. Cause of the baby.”

  Gus huffed. It was the noise he made that meant ‘I’m thinking.’

  Nathan continued. “The other four of us adults can head north and search the shore for something isolated. Make it a real quick run.”

  Gus sighed deeply. “You’re right. Focus on food, blankets, tools. I hate not going, though.”

  “I don’t think it’s fair to leave him here just ‘cause of me,” I said. “No offense, Gus, but you’d be much more use going on the run.” I tried to play along to make the plan look like it wasn't what Gus had in mind anyway.

  “It’s ok, Zoe. Don’t sweat it,” said Nate.

  “I need you guys to look for some medical supplies for Zoe. It’s a long shot, but I need a handheld ultrasound to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. And some medication.”

  “Gus, make a list for us. We’ll see what we can do,” offered Emilie.

  “Will do. Girls?” Gus looked at Abbey and Jane. “Still have some of that scratch paper and that tic-tac-toe pen of yours?”

  Jane nodded. “Yup!”

  “Can I use it after dinner?”

  “Sure!”

  “So Susan and I will be going with?” asked Emilie.

  Nathan nodded. “I think four of us going will be best.”

  Emilie shook her head. Her short red hair was starting to grow, looking a bit scruffy. “Ok.”

  “You nervous, Susan?” asked Emilie.

  “A little. But I know we have to do it.”

  I had already started picking at my serving of fish. It smelled delicious but was rather plain tasting. It gave me something to do, though.

  “When will we leave?” asked Boggs after swallowing a bite of the fish.

  “First light,” said Nathan. “We should try to get a good night’s sleep, and get our guns ready tonight.”

  Susan yawned.

  “You all go ahead and sleep through,” said Gus. “I can manage tonight by myself. Y’all will need your rest for tomorrow.” I always liked when his cowboy accent crept through.

  “Gus, you can wake me up in a few hours and I’ll spell you,” I offered.

  “I’ll keep that in mind, Zoe, if I get too tired.”

  I took another bite of cod.

  “Uncle Nate?” asked Jane.

  “Yeah, Bug?”

  She giggled at the nickname. “Can you look for candy tomorrow?”

  He chuckled. “I’ll try, but no promises.”

  She smiled up at him.

  “Ok, girls, time to hit the hay,” said Gus.

  “Aww,” whined Abbey. “Can’t we tell stories?”

  “Tomorrow, Abs,” said Nathan quietly. “Tomorrow.”

  “I’m heading to bed too,” said Boggs as he stood.

  I looked at him.

  “Ok. I’ll be there in a little while.” He nodded in acknowledgement.

  “Boggs, mind if I head over with you and the girls?” asked Emilie.

  “Sure, no problem.”

  “Abbey, mind bunking with me?” asked Em.

  “Sure,” said Abbey.

  “I’ll get Jane settled,” offered Susan. “Nate when you come to bed, don’t squish us.”

  Nathan winked at her. “I’ll be there soon.”

  Gus, Nathan, and I stayed near the fire. Nate was the only one who knew that Gus and I had explored our feelings for each other, but I don’t think he knew how far we had gone. The shelter we had made was several yards away, and I looked back to see everyone settling in under the blue tarp as the last bits of light faded for the day.

  “If I hit the hay, you two promise to behave?” asked Nathan.

  “I’ll be right there, Nate,” I said.

  He looked thoughtful for a moment, nodded once, and then stood and walked away.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to go with tomorrow?” I asked Gus.

  “Someone needs to stay here with you little girls,” he said, teasing me.

  I rolled my eyes. “Oh please. You sound like a nasty old man.”

  “Maybe I am one,” he chuckled. “You look tired, Zoe.”

  “Ya, I am.”

  “That’s to be expected. Morning sickness still bad?” He spit on the ground again. I hadn’t seen him put a new pinch of chew in his mouth.

  “Not as bad. You know, that’s really gross.”

  “Sorry,” he said and spat again. He seemed distant, as if conversation was somewhat forced.

  “Are you mad at me?” I asked.

  He laughed. “Why would you ask that?

  I shrugged. “You just seem distant.”

  “It’s just kind of hard, Zoe.”

  “What is?”

  He sighed deeply, spit the wad of chew out, and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. “Staying away, I suppose.”

  The heat ran out of my face.

  “I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was mad, though,” he continued.

  I pouted a little.

  “Maybe we should talk about it tomorrow?” he asked.

  I shrugged again. “We’ll see.”

  “You should go to bed,” he said.

  “See, you don’t even want to be around me.” I was starting to feel depressed.

  The fire was starting to die down, so Gus stood and added a chunk of wood to it. We had been gathering loose pieces of fallen trees for days and had built up a pretty good supply. When he was satisfied that it would catch easily, he walked over and sat beside me on the log, side straddling it. We were facing the shelter.

  “Zoe,” he whispered. “You have no idea just how much I want to be around you.” I could feel his body heat radiating toward me.

  The fire crackled, shooting an ember into the air just to my left. I jumped, not expecting the tiny explosion. Gus wrapped his arm around me and gave me a small squeeze.

  “Don’t,” I whispered. I leaned forward, arms on my own legs, and hung my head.

  He took his arm away, but kept his hand on my back. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

  I wasn't sure what his apology was for exactly, and I didn’t want to ask. It hadn’t sounded like it was for placing his arm around me. I stood and walked to the edge of the firelight, facing away from him. I wrapped my arms around myself and looked up at the night sky. The stars were out, shining brilli
antly. Along with the end of civilization had come an end to pollution, leaving nights like these especially crisp and clear.

  I heard Gus step up behind me, but refused to turn to look at him.

  “Zoe, please don’t shut me out like this.”

  I could sense him standing close to me. I could feel his breath on the back of my head. His arms wrapped around me gently and he rested his chin in the crook of my neck.

  “Please,” he whispered.

  I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of his arms around me, despite knowing it was wrong. Sensing me relax, he tightened his embrace and kissed my neck softly. “Don’t shut me out,” he repeated, his voice so quiet I could barely hear it.

  He turned me around to face him and wrapped his arms around me, my head resting against his chest. I inhaled his scent, relaxing even more.

  “Penny for your thoughts?” he asked.

  I responded by just shaking my head ‘no’ against his chest.

  “C’mon, Zoe. What’s bothering you? Talk to me.”

  “I guess I’m just lonely,” I whispered.

  He kissed the top of my head.

  “Boggs is so distant. And so are you,” I continued.

  Gus took a deep breath, and then pushed away from me gently so that he could look at my face. “We’ll talk about it all tomorrow, ok?”

  “I should go to bed,” was all I said, my mind filled with my promise to share a bed with Boggs. That, and I was too tired to have an in depth conversation.

  “Ok. Sleep well.”

  “Night, Gus.”

  He moved his hand up to my chin, tilting my face up toward his. He leaned down and placed his warm lips on mine. It was a gentle kiss. My stomach dropped for just a moment, expecting it to turn into something more. Instead, Gus let go of me and walked back to the fire.

  I walked to the makeshift shelter and climbed under the wool blankets, next to Boggs. I listened to his breathing, trying to decide if he was asleep yet. The bigger part of me hoped not.

  “Everything ok out there?” he whispered.

  “Ya.”

  I felt the air mattress move as he stirred, rolling toward me. “Thanks for telling me about the baby moving, Zo.”

  I smiled in the dark. “Well, it is yours too.”

  “I know, but I appreciate you keeping me in the loop. Is it moving right now?” he asked.

  “Not now. It feels weird when it does.”

  “Is it ok if I hold you?” His voice sounded weak, almost defeated.

  “Ok.”

  He wrapped an arm around me. I rested my head near his neck and let him hold me close. Something about him was different, an overall tenseness that was barely perceptible. Even so, he felt so incredibly familiar, as if my arms and my entire body had been missing something that was as memorable to me as my own skin. I inhaled his scent, which rocked me to the core of my being. I hadn’t realized just how much I had felt his absence until that moment. It was a high beyond any I had known before, followed by the low of realizing that I was holding onto him with desperation, sensing that I would be losing him once again. I had the urge to cling to him as hard as I could and to smell him for as long as he’d let me, because I may not always have the chance. I was memorizing the sensation. My soul filled with a melancholy joy. He was mine, at least in that moment.

  CHAPTER 2

  When I woke the next morning, I could hear the crackling of the campfire. I felt as if I had slept for hours and had a renewed sense of contentment. I stretched while listening for the usual chatter of the girls, but heard nothing aside from the flames consuming wood. I was suddenly hesitant about being alone with Gus, after sharing a bed with Boggs overnight.

  I put on my figurative ‘big girl panties,’ climbed out of bed, and left the shelter. The sky was overcast and the day was promising to be cold. As always, a breeze was blowing. I pulled my messy hair back into a ponytail, and walked toward the fire. I sat on my favorite log to soak up the warmth, wondering where Gus was. Before long, I heard footfalls coming up beside me. I turned and smiled at Gus.

  “Morning,” I said.

  “Hey Darlin’. Sleep well?”

  I nodded. “I did.”

  “Looks like you and Boggs have made up?”

  I shrugged. “If you can call it that. He’s been different for a while. But at least we’re talking.”

  He grunted lightly, his version of ‘huh.’ “Want some breakfast? I can cook up some oatmeal.”

  “Sure. I’m actually starving.”

  Gus looked like he had a lot on his mind. “I thought maybe you and I could go fishin’ today. Feel up to it?” He began filling a small pan with water.

  “Sure. Off the rocks?”

  “I think we should try the south end of the island on the other side of the cove. Maybe we’ll get lucky and catch something big there.”

  “’Kay. Sounds good.”

  I watched as Gus brought the pot of water and oatmeal over to the fire and found a place to set it to boil.

  “Gus?”

  “Hmm?”

  “When do you think everyone will come back?”

  “Hopefully before sunset.” He proceeded to spit on the ground.

  “Gross, Gus. I wish you’d stop that.”

  He winked at me. I sighed.

  “Do we have any sugar left?”

  “Ayup. But aren’t you sweet enough?”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “You’re an ass-kisser, Gus.”

  “I try, darlin’. I try.” He was busy taking the quick-cooking oats off of the fire. “I can never make this crap as good as Emilie does.”

  “I’m sure it’s fine.”

  I watched as he carried the pot to our small table. He scooped some into a small camp-style bowl and sprinkled some sugar on top. “Raisins?” he asked me.

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  “Walnuts?”

  “Sure.” I knew if I said no he’d go on and on about me needing the protein.

  He walked over to the log, straddled it to face me, and kept a hold on the bowl as he sat. He scooped a spoonful and held it up in front of my face. I reached for the spoon, but got scolded.

  “Open.”

  I looked at him funny, but opened my mouth and let him feed me.

  “I can feed myself, Gus,” I said with my mouth half full.

  “I know, but humor me?”

  I had thought Gus was a little odd before, but this cut the cake.

  He held another spoon up to me, and I opened my mouth again. I could feel my heart racing a bit, and there was an electric charge in the air between us. His eyes were focused on me. We didn’t talk again until the oatmeal was gone.

  “Good girl,” he whispered, followed by a wink. He leaned forward and gave me a brief kiss on the cheek.

  I could feel my face warm. “Looks like it might rain today,” I said.

  “Ayup.”

  “I hope Jane and Abbey stay dry. I’d hate for them to get sick.”

  “Susan will take care of them. Stop worrying, Zoe.”

  “Let’s go fishing before it pours?” As I said the words, rain began to fall.

  Gus looked up to the sky and smiled. “Looks like we’ll need to hold off for a bit.”

  I sighed.

  “C’mon, Zoe, let’s get you into the shelter.” He stood and held his hand out to me. I looked at it for a moment before placing my hand in his. Once I did, my body went slightly numb from the unexpected physical contact. He gently guided me up. The rain picked up suddenly. “C’mon, girl, quick,” he urged. The fire behind us began to smoke from the sudden downpour. We half-ran to the refuge of the two old stone walls and strung-up tarp.

  “I’m sick of this weather,” I grumbled as I ducked under the tarp and into our makeshift home.

  “Take your shirt off, darlin’.”

  I looked at Gus and laughed.

  “You’re soaked,” he added in a serious tone.

  Looking down at myself, I could see that my tank top
was indeed drenched from rain water. “Gus, I’m not wearing anything underneath.”

  He snickered at me. “Well I could tell that when you were still dry! C’mon, let’s get you dried off.”

  My cheeks burned in embarrassment. I stepped forward to playfully smack him on his arm. He caught me by the arms and pulled me close. We stood there, facing each other, for a long moment. Our eyes were locked in quiet understanding. All I could hear was the patter of the rain on the plastic tarp above our heads, and heavy breathing from both of us.

  He let go of my arms, but I remained where I stood - very close to him. I could feel his body heat radiating toward me.

  “You’re shivering,” he whispered.

  I nodded lightly. “Ya.”

  He reached down to my tank top hem and gently pulled it upward. “Lift your arms,” he said quietly, still looking me in the eyes.

  I obediently raised my arms above my head and allowed him to remove the wet shirt.

  He moaned quietly, closing his eyes for a moment.

  My heart was pounding. My stomach was tingling deep down, longing for his touch. Opening his eyes again, he brought his gaze to my bared breasts.

  “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Zoe,” he said just above a whisper. I felt his arm wrap around my back, pulling me closer. I was reminded of the first time we kissed, in the abandoned house where Boggs had hit me.

  “Open your eyes, Zoe,” he whispered. I hadn’t been aware that I had closed them. “Just you and me right now, like before, ok?” It was what he had said to me by the river the first time we had made love, betraying both of our lovers.

  I rested my forehead and hands against his chest and nodded into him. “Just you and me,” I whispered. I looked up into his eyes and became lost in them as he kissed me passionately on the lips. Our passion grew as his groin pressed into me, longingly. Eventually the kiss ended, but he stayed close to me, holding me tight. I could tell that he was torn internally.

  He leaned over and kissed my cheek softly, gently. “You know we can’t do this, right?”

  Again, I nodded into him.

  “As badly as I want to, Zoe, I know it’d kill Emilie. Boggs too.”

  “I know.” I felt on the verge of tears.

  “Ok, let’s get you warmed up.” His voice was low and soothing. He took a step away from me, the distance becoming excruciating. “You can wear one of my shirts.”