Moth to a Flame

by Antoinette, Ashley

  Morgan smiled and cut her eyes playfully at her sister. “No, I don’t hear you. I’m deaf, remember?” she signed sarcastically. Raven smiled and shook her head.

  “I’m serious, Morgan. Mizan is wrong for how he behaves,” Raven signed.

  “But you make him so mad all the time, Rae. Why don’t you just stop doing stuff he doesn’t like?” Morgan replied.

  The fact that Morgan justified Mizan’s actions broke her heart. I have to get her away from there. She can’t think this is okay. It’ll only make her weak, and the next thing I know some nigga will be treating her the same way Mizan treats me.

  “It doesn’t matter if I make him mad Morgan. He’s an adult and that is not how adults solve problems. What he does is wrong and I want you to know that you deserve to feel safe. Never let a man beat you down. I’m down so low that I don’t know how to begin climbing back to the top, Raven said softly, talking more to herself than to her sister. She rubbed her sister’s head gently and put on a fake smile. “Go ahead, before you’re late. I’ll be here to pick you up after school. I love you,” she said with a kiss to the cheek.

  “I love you too, Rae,” Morgan signed, and then ran off into the school. Before pulling off, Raven reached into her purse and pulled out a small sandwich bag full of cocaine. She stuck her pinky finger in and scooped some of the powder up with her acrylic French tip. She raised it to her nose and inhaled. She took a deep breath as the drug entered her system. It was the only way she knew to deal with her existence. She had gone from a social user to a full-time cocaine connoisseur. There wasn’t a day that went by that she did not indulge. Stress had pushed her over the edge and it was the only coping mechanism she knew.

  Raven sat nervously in a steel chair as she waited for her mother to come into the visiting room. She had already been waiting for half an hour and she was growing nervous, thinking that maybe her mother did not want to see her. She hadn’t seen her face in so long, since the day that the judge sentenced her to twenty years for the role she had played in her husband’s drug empire. Raven kept her eyes on the door until finally Justine came walking through it.

  Dismal, weary, and worn, Justine exuded none of the qualities Raven had once admired. It was as if life behind bars had sucked the life out of her, leaving behind merely a shell of her former self. Her hair was in one long braid to the back, but her roots were horrendous, as if they had never been relaxed a day in her life. The heavy bags under her eyes expressed fatigue and the wrinkles on her face were permanently etched into her skin. There was nothing flawless, glamorous, or diva-like about the woman before Raven’s eyes.

  “Hey, Mommy,” Raven whispered as she put on a fake smile. She did not want to be the one to tell her mother how badly she looked.

  “My baby,” Justine replied in disbelief. She had not had a visitor in so long, and she did not expect Raven to come, so this was a pleasant surprise. “Where is Morgan?”

  “She had school, Mommy. I just wanted to come and see how you are. I know you’ve been calling, but Mizan ...”

  Justine put her hand up and shook her head to stop Raven’s sentence. “I know he has you secluded from the world, Raven. It’s a shame he doesn’t even want you talking to your own mama, but I get it. He has the control and he doesn’t want to share you. I’m just glad you’re here right now.”

  “How are things coming with the lawyer? Raven asked. “Is he working on your appeal? Because I paid him good money, Mommy. He should be working day and night to get you out of here.”

  “He’s doing what he can, Raven, but I’m not counting on it. Save your money. What’s done is done ... ain’t no rewinding time. I did what I did. Me and your father both knew that what he was doing couldn’t last forever. Now I have to deal with the consequences,” Justine stated. She sounded so hopeless, as if she had given up a long time ago.

  “You don’t deserve to be in here, Mommy,” Raven said.

  Justine scoffed as her shoulders fell a little lower. “Don’t worry about it Rae. Your mama got everything under control. I’ve got a plan. I won’t be in here too long. These crackers won’t hold me for too long.”

  Raven laughed slightly, thinking that her mother sounded just like her father. She was a direct reflection of him. Her parents had been the Romeo and Juliet of the hood, a perfect pair.

  “Do you need anything?” Raven asked.

  “I need your father, Rae. Nothing seems the same without him. It’s been five long years and it has not gotten any easier. I just want us to be together again,” Justine said.

  “You will be, Mommy. Daddy’s waiting for you. When it’s your time, you guys will be reunited,” Raven said confidently. If she had never witnessed her mother and father’s love she would not be able to tell that it was missing in her own relationship. Justine and Benny Atkins had a love that was talked about through the grapevine. Theirs was one for the history books.

  Giving Raven a weak smile Justine replied, “I hope so Rae. Where is that grand baby of mine? I was hurt when you did not even send me a picture.”

  A dark cloud formed over Raven’s head as sorrow overcast her. “My baby was still-born, Mommy. I have tried to have a baby since then, but Mizan and I ... we fight a lot. I can never bring a baby full term. I’ve had so many miscarriages it’s hard to keep track.”

  Raven wiped the tear from her cheek and quickly put a bandage over that emotional scar. Her mother had picked the scab off of it, causing her to become emotional, but she had been down that road. Depression and regret mixed with thoughts of suicide had been her story many times. She was not going back down that road. She buried her emotions deep inside. It was easier for her not to think about it.

  “Oh, baby. I’m so sorry. I did not know,” Justine said as she reached across the table and took her daughter’s hand.“Your father had a bad feeling about that boy from the first day he lay eyes on him. He knew that he was no good for you. It would break his heart to see you like this.”

  “I know, but he’s the man I chose, right? Raven stated, reiterating a lesson that Justine had once taught her. “I wish I had listened all those years ago. I miss Daddy so much. I have to sneak to his grave site just to spend time with him. I just want to tell him that I love him and I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry for what?” Justine asked.

  “For everything, Mommy. For everything,” she said as she shook her head.

  “I’ll let him know, baby ... don’t you worry about it,” Justine replied. “But I need you to do me a favor, Raven. Don’t waste your life on Mizan. The first chance you get, you leave him. A man like that can only make your life hell, and you deserve so much more.”

  Raven nodded, but there was a self-awareness inside of her that told her she was not going anywhere. Her allegiance was too strong, her determination too weak, and her heart too fragile to break free. She did not put her burden on her mother’s heart though. Justine was dealing with enough and Raven did not want to be selfish by putting her own problems off on her mother. “I will, Mommy,” she lied.

  The guards indicated that the visiting time was over. They both were full of tears as they stared at one another, taking in all they could.

  “Mommy, I’m going to contact that lawyer and I will try to come back when I can,” Raven promised.

  “No, you won’t, Justine whispered as she hugged her daughter tightly. Her mother’s embrace felt so good that Raven did not want to let go. They hugged and rocked from side to side. “I understand though, Raven. I really do, but get away from him, Rae. Don’t be the moth that flies into the flame. You take your sister and you go somewhere safe, before it’s too late. I love you, darling. I love you with all of my heart. Remember that.”

  Raven was bawling as she stepped back and held onto Justine’s forearms. “I love you too, Mommy.”

  “Thank you for coming to visit. You made this so much easier for me. I wished you could have brought Morgan so that I could see her one last time. Please remind her that I love her every
day, and you remember that too, baby girl.”

  The nickname sounded so soothing coming off of her mother’s lips. She nodded as she watched Justine walk out of the room. Before she disappeared fully, Justine blew her a kiss. Raven waved good-bye knowing that it would be a long time before they crossed paths again.

  Raven felt extreme guilt as she walked out of the prison. She does not deserve to be in here, she thought as she pulled away, headed back to Flint. She noticed that she had missed four calls, all from Mizan wanting to know her whereabouts. He was like her watchdog checking in with her every hour on the hour. At first she thought his concern was cute and she was flattered that he wanted to be around her all the time; now his overbearing nature drove her crazy. She decided not to call him back right away as she hit I-75 and dialed her mother’s lawyer. Unable to reach him, she left a message to return her call, and then threw her cell on the passenger seat. The hour-long drive gave her time to clear her head and gain her composure before she arrived at Nikki’s house.

  Raven knocked on the door lightly and smiled when her Aunt Gena answered. She remembered when the woman before her was so vibrant. A classic forty-something woman who loved to party and bullshit, but when Nikki was shot her entire life changed. After that one fateful night her carefree lifestyle disappeared. Before her stood a tired, old woman. “Hi, Auntie G,” she greeted her with a peck to the cheek.

  “Hey, Raven. Come on in,” she said as she stepped to the side. Gena used to be what kids would call the cool mama on the block. She dressed young, talked young, dated young men, and was the ghetto mother who did not care where her children were or what they were into as long as they were not in her way. One bullet had changed everything in the blink on an eye. Nikki would never be the same, and after almost losing her daughter once, Gena had become overprotective, causing her many sleepless nights.

  “Nik! Raven is here,” Gena shouted as she went back to watching her soap operas. Wobbly, slow, and timid, Nikki attempted the staircase on her own. Raven trotted halfway up and took her best friend’s hand.

  “Thanks, Rae,” Nikki said as she leaned against her for support. Nikki was lucky to be alive. After being shot at almost point blank range she had miraculously survived, but the bullet was so close to her spinal cord that the doctors could not remove it. So they let it remain and put her on medications to take the swelling down around her brain. Unfortunately the scar tissue that healed around the bullet damaged parts of her hippocampus. Her short-term memory was shot. Everything that occurred after the moment she was shot, she would never remember. Anyone who crossed her path from now on would be forgotten the very next day. Most days she was fine, but sometimes her energy was extremely low and she had a hard time standing for long periods of time. Raven’s eyes misted as she helped Nikki to the kitchen and they took a seat. Her appearance was exactly the same. The scar on her temple was concealed by her long hair. Her face seemed a bit tight on the right side, but other than that her appearance was unaffected. She still looked the exact same way she always had.

  “Mizan called here for you,” Nikki said.

  Raven’s back stiffened in surprise. “What did you tell him?”

  Nikki reached across the table and grabbed Raven’s arm, giving it a light squeeze of reassurance. “Relax. I told him you went to the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for me,” Nikki replied.

  Raven sat with Nikki and reminisced about old times. It was the only thing that Nikki could really talk about. Their teenage years were the only true things that she could recall, and although the conversations became redundant, Raven obliged her every time, laughing at jokes she had heard a thousand times as if they were new. Her friendship with Nikki was important and had withstood a lot over the years. Raven loved Nikki and would do anything for her. She visited with her until it was time for her to pick Morgan up from school.

  “You feel up to going out tonight?” Raven asked.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Probably to the Purple Moon. Mizan and his people are going. You know I don’t like being the only chick in a group of niggas. You should come out. It’ll be fun,” Raven urged, trying to offer Nikki a sense of normalcy.

  Nikki nodded. “Okay. You’ll pick me up?”

  “Of course, Nik. I’ll be here around ten o’clock,” Raven answered. She stood then embraced Nikki. “I love you, girl. I’ll be back later tonight. I’m going to get you out of this house and show you a good time.”

  After much pleading, Raven finally convinced Mizan to let Nikki join them for the night. After leaving Morgan with Aunt Gena, they rolled to the club with a caravan of luxury vehicles behind them. The knock from the speaker beat through their chests as the pulled right up to the door at the popular night club.

  They bypassed the crowd, the velvet ropes lifting instantly as the bouncers granted them access to the club.

  Mizan and Rich led the way with Raven and Nikki behind them. The rest of Mizan’s entourage brought up the back. They were ten deep. Mizan was the king and his round table of knights were right behind him, loyal and ready to pop off if need be. The girls walked arm in arm, both dressed as if they were attending a New York City fashion show. Raven was used to the jealous stares she got. The five-hundred-dollar pair of True Religion skinny leg jeans and Marc Jacobs one-shoulder blouse made her the envy of every female in the club. Her hair was swept to one side with big spirals cascading down her shoulder, and the diamonds in her ears and on her wrist were blinding. Nikki was equally stunning in a short Dolce & Gabbana shaker dress and Gucci peep toes, but despite her stunning appearance she was insecure. Raven could tell that Nikki was nervous. The vice grip that Nikki had on her arm gave her away. Everyone in the hood knew what had happened to her and they all showed her love as she made her way to VIP.

  “See, your peoples missed you, hon,” Raven whispered to her over the loud music. Nikki had not been out since she had been shot. Her life had slowed down drastically because of her recovery and it felt good to feel like a hood star again. “Just relax, we’re here to have a good time.”

  Seeing the look of apprehension melt away from Nikki’s face made Raven smile. They sat down and the waitresses immediately catered to their group, bringing the finest bottles of champagne and liquors over to them.

  “Start a tab,” Mizan told one of the waitresses. “You make sure everybody with me is good and at the end of the night I’ll make sure you right, a’ight, ma?” He slipped her a hundred dollar bill. “That’s for you, baby. There’s more where that came from, but you got to work for it.”

  “Oh, I can work for that. I’ll work all night if you need me to,” the girl replied with seductive insinuation.

  Mizan smiled, then whispered in the waitress ear. She giggled loudly and then walked away, putting an extra switch in her step.

  Raven rolled her eyes in disgust at Mizan’s blatant flirting. This nigga is so disrespectful, she thought as she cocked her head to the side and raised an eyebrow in annoyance.

  He smirked and nodded at her, challenging her to say something, but Raven didn’t cause a scene. She simply grabbed a glass of Dom and sipped it slowly. The DJ kept the music live and the crowd was extra animated as everyone drank and had a good time. Liquor flowed freely and, for once, Raven felt like life was carefree. She and Nikki laughed and joked with one another. They had not been out together in such a long time, and it felt like the good old days. Raven noticed Rich eyeing Nikki, and she leaned over to put her girl up on game.

  “Rich been staring at you all night, Nik. I think he’s feeling you,” Raven said.

  Nikki discreetly looked in Rich’s direction. Brown-skinned and attractive, Nikki smiled. “Who?” Nikki asked.

  “You know Rich ... Mizan’s best friend,” Raven said.

  Nikki turned up her nose and shook her head. “Girl, please. Ain’t nobody trying to fuck with him.”

  Raven smiled curtly and shook her head. “Why not, Nik? You need to get out and start dating again. You can�
��t just live the rest of your life as a hermit inside of Aunt Gena’s house. I’m not telling you to marry dude. Just give him some play. See what his conversation is like.”

  “He’s cute, but I know how Mizan is, and birds of a feather flock together, you know? That nigga probably ain’t no good,” Nikki responded seriously. “I’m so not interested, so don’t try to play matchmaker tonight, Rae. I’m just enjoying being out with my girl.”

  Before Raven could respond, Rich had switched places with one of his boys and positioned himself directly on her other side, putting her right in the middle. He couldn’t really help himself. He had a dangerous attraction to Nikki. It was obvious that she was a fighter. He had shot her in the head himself and she had bounced back miraculously. He knew that he was taking a huge risk, but something in him was urging him to push up on her. He had always wanted to fuck with Nikki, but her arrogant persona had always deterred him from trying to get at her. He had not seen her in years, since the day that he and Mizan had secretly terrorized her, but he was about to make his move. He refused to be turned down again, and he was determined to get another sample of the jewels she kept on lock between her legs. This time he was going to use the good guy approach to see if it got him any closer to his prize.

  “What’s up with your girl?” he whispered in Raven’s ear.

  Raven shrugged. “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her yourself? Get your grown man on,” she joked as she switched seats with him.

  Nikki gave Raven a stern look that said, Bitch, I told you I wasn’t interested, but Raven turned her head, feigning ignorance. Nikki put on a friendly smile to avoid being rude. Raven moved next to Mizan, who had a presumptuous leer on his face, as if he knew a joke that no one else did. Little did Raven know, she had just urged her best friend to speak to the man who had almost killed her.

  Nikki wanted to kill Raven for placing her in the uncomfortable situation. She went to reach for her drink.