Shelter in a Soldier's Arms

by Susan Mallery

  Jeff looked at the group of children and parents. They moved and interacted with a grace and rhythm he couldn’t understand or copy. He was very much the outsider, but he couldn’t decide if he wanted to be anything else.

  “Elephants next,” Cathy, the preschool teacher called. “Let’s go this way.”

  The children yelped with excitement and hurried after her.

  “Not exactly special ops in the jungle, huh?” Ashley said as she stepped next to him. “So, is this more or less challenging than your last security job?”

  “It’s different.”

  “Mommy, Uncle Jeff, elephants,” Maggie called as she raced past them.

  “Don’t run, young lady,” Ashley instructed. Her daughter slowed marginally.

  The late-morning air was cool. There hadn’t been any rain in a couple of days and most of the clouds had blown away to the east. Jeff inhaled the scent of the trees and plants around them and tried to ignore the sweet scent that was Ashley alone.

  She made him ache with wanting. She made him want to kiss her and touch her, even though he knew he could never do either. Being with her would destroy them both, because she would eventually figure out who and what he was. Then where would they be? Life was easier when he remembered his limitations.

  “Why are elephants gray?” one of the boys asked. “Why do they have trunks? Why are they so big? Do they eat people?”

  Ashley laughed. “I’ll bet we can read all about the elephants when we get there.”

  The boy wasn’t impressed. “Don’t you know?”

  She turned to Jeff. “What about it, big guy? Want to take the elephant questions?”

  “I had to answer questions in the bug house, and that was a lot harder.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  They walked toward the re-creation of a tropical forest for the elephants. Other children from a different school were already chattering about the big mammals. Jeff paused to count heads, making sure the entire group was still together. He could—

  A sharp cry cut through the morning. Jeff turned and was moving toward the sound before he even understood what he heard. Tommy had fallen and sat cradling his small hand against his chest. As Jeff approached, he saw the child had skinned his palm. Fat tears spilled from his blue eyes.

  One of the mothers got there first. She reached for the boy, but Tommy pushed her away. Instead, still crying, he stumbled to his feet and swayed toward Jeff.

  “I have disinfectant and stick-on bandages with me,” someone said.

  Jeff stared as the boy approached. His small body shook with the force of his sobs. Not knowing what else to do, Jeff picked up the child and held him against his chest. Tommy buried his face in Jeff’s neck. His tears were hot. The boy hiccupped.

  “Let me see,” Ashley said softly, gently tugging on the boy’s arm so she could free his hand.

  Tommy shrieked in protest.

  “Come on, big guy,” Jeff said, feeling awkward as everyone stared at them. “Let’s look over the damage. I’m gonna bet we can fix you right up.”

  The boy raised his head and sniffed, then held out his hand.

  Jeff looked over the wound. It was superficial and barely bleeding. There was a bit of dirt in the scrape, along with a couple of small pebbles.

  “It needs washing, disinfectant and a bandage,” Ashley pronounced. “Want me to take care of him?”

  Jeff wanted nothing more, but at her words Tommy shrieked and wrapped his arms around Jeff’s neck.

  “I’ll do it,” he said and took the supplies from one of the mothers. He found a sign pointing toward the rest rooms and headed in that direction.

  “We’ll wait here for you,” Ashley called after him.

  “I hate elephants,” Tommy murmured. “They’re bad.”

  “But the elephants didn’t make you fall. Sometimes we fall all on our own and it’s not anyone’s fault.”

  The boy continued to cling to him. Still feeling like an idiot, and as if he was doing everything wrong, Jeff gently touched the boy’s shoulder. The child was so small and fragile. He could span the kid’s back with his hand. Confusion filled him. What the hell was he doing here? He didn’t know how to take care of a child.

  But there wasn’t anyone else around and Tommy was depending on him. Jeff figured it couldn’t be any worse than taking out a bullet or setting a bone in the field. Except emergency care for his team had never made him feel strange inside. As if something was cracking. But what he didn’t know was if the ice around his heart was letting go or if his wall of protection was being breached. Or were they the same? And how long would it take to find out if the change was going to destroy him?

  Chapter Eight

  “But what about the camels that lost their humps?” Maggie asked that night, her eyes wide. “Aren’t they sad?”

  “Some camels only have one hump. They haven’t lost anything. They’re just different.”

  Ashley bit back a smile. After ten minutes of grilling by her daughter, Jeff was still the picture of patience. He put down his fork and leaned toward her daughter.

  “Remember the elephants you liked so much? There are two kinds of those, African and Asian elephants. It’s the same with camels. Some have one hump and some have two.”

  They were sitting around the kitchen table at dinner. Ashley tried to ignore how good Jeff looked and the way the meal made her able to think of them as a family. They weren’t a family. They barely knew each other. The fact that Jeff had insisted they all eat together was just him being nice.

  She frowned. “Nice” didn’t exactly describe his actions. Now that she thought about it, why did he want to eat with them? Not that she was complaining. Mealtimes were always interesting when he was around.

  “Why are camels different?” her daughter asked.

  Jeff hesitated, as if forming an answer. Ashley decided he might need a little help. Four-year-olds were nothing if not persistent.

  “It’s like dogs,” she told Maggie. “There are many different kinds of dogs. Some are big, some are small. But they’re all still dogs. There are two different kinds of camels.”

  “Do the camels with one hump feel sad because they’re different?”

  Jeff leaned toward her. “Maybe the two-humped camels are the different ones.”

  Maggie’s eyes unexpectedly filled with tears. “I don’t want the camels to be sad.”

  Ashley hadn’t seen that one coming. But before she could reach for her daughter and offer comfort, Jeff shocked her down to her toes by gently pulling the little girl onto his lap. He held her securely, as if he’d done it a thousand times before.

  “Are you sad because you have brown hair?”

  Maggie tilted her head so she could stare into his face. “No,” she said slowly. “Mommy says I have pretty hair.”

  “Mommy’s right. So you’re not sad about how you look because you look perfect for you. Camels are the same. They know they’re exactly what they should be.”

  The tears disappeared as quickly as they’d arrived. “So camels are happy?”

  “Nearly all the time.”

  Maggie beamed, then scrambled back to her seat where she picked up her spoon and went to work on her carrots. But Jeff didn’t resume his own meal. Instead he continued to stare at the little girl.

  “Maggie, you must promise me something. You must promise me to always be special and never change.”

  Maggie paused, her spoon half raised to her mouth. She grinned. “I’m gonna be a big girl soon.”

  “I know.”

  Something tightened in Ashley’s chest. For the first time since she’d met Jeff Ritter, she knew what he was thinking. He was staring in wonder at her child and wishing life could always be exceptional for her. He wanted to protect her from all the bruises and scrapes she would encounter, both physical and emotional. Somehow little Maggie had found her way past Jeff’s protective wall.

  How was she supposed to resist a man who adored her daugh
ter? To use her daughter’s language, she would be very sad to leave this man. He’d only been a part of their lives for a short time, but he’d made an impact. When she returned to her already-in-progress life, nothing was going to be the same.

  “What are you thinking?” Jeff asked, switching his attention to her.

  “That Brenda was right. You’re an honorable man.”

  He stiffened. “I’m no one’s idea of a hero. Don’t make me one.”

  She knew that there were ghosts in his past, but they didn’t matter to her. He was honorable in the ways that counted. He would never leave a woman or a child in a bind. He was dependable. He wouldn’t run off with the rent money, or borrow from a loan shark and disappear, leaving his wife to face the consequences. He was nothing like Damian.

  Before she could explain what she meant, Jeff rose from the table. She glanced at his still half-full plate.

  “Aren’t you hungry?” she asked. “It’s been a long time since lunch.”

  “I have work.”

  He left the kitchen without saying anything else. Maggie stared after him.

  “Is Uncle Jeff mad?”

  “No, honey, he’s just busy.”

  And conflicted. Ashley sensed the battle within him. She knew that they were the reason, but she didn’t know why. Part of her wanted to go after him and talk, but a part of her wanted to run in the opposite direction. Jeff might be logistically dependable, but he was still risky in other ways. She was determined to only get involved with a man who could love her unconditionally. Jeff wasn’t in a place to love anyone. Not until he’d dealt with his past. Attraction was acceptable—which was good because she couldn’t control hers. But anything else was foolhardy. And she’d already been a fool for a man more than once in her life. She wasn’t about to do it again.

  “Kirkman is worried about a kidnapping attempt,” Zane said the following week when he and Jeff met to discuss their upcoming job in the Mediterranean.

  Jeff studied the diagrams spread out on the large conference table. “Kidnapping’s the least of it,” he replied. “At least then there’s the chance he’ll be held for ransom. They’d want to keep him alive. If I were him, I’d be more concerned about an outright hit.”

  Zane grinned. “You want to tell him that?”

  “Not especially.” Jeff leaned back in his chair and glanced at his partner. “But I will when I meet with him next week.”

  “Rather you than me. I suspect he’s something of a screamer.”

  “Screamer” was the indelicate term used to identify clients who couldn’t handle the reality of their situation. They didn’t want to hear about the actual or potential danger, and they frequently resisted making changes in their lifestyle to keep themselves and their family safe. Yet they were the first to start screaming the second something went wrong, most often when it was their own fault.

  “I don’t doubt it.” But screamer or not, Kirkman had to be dealt with.

  Zane tossed his pen onto the table and looked at his partner. “So, tell me about the woman in your life.”

  “There is no woman.”

  “That’s not what the rumors say. And I happen to know that you have a female living in your house with you.”

  “She works for me. She’s my new housekeeper.”

  Zane raised his dark eyebrows. “And?”

  “And nothing. Her name is Ashley. She used to work here in the office and now she works at my house. It’s a business arrangement, nothing more.”

  Even if he wanted it to be more, he wasn’t going to act on the wanting. Because it would be dangerous for them both. He couldn’t be what Ashley needed him to be, while she…

  He returned his attention to the diagrams in front of him, even though he wasn’t seeing anything remotely resembling the floor plan of the main villa. Instead he saw hazel eyes bright with laughter and inhaled a sweet scent he would remember for the rest of his life.

  Ashley could be very important to him, he acknowledged. But he wasn’t going to let that happen.

  “What about her daughter?” Zane asked. “Kids can be tough to ignore.”

  Jeff smiled. “What would you know about children?”

  “I know enough to avoid them,” his partner joked. “And so have you, until recently. So what’s going on, Jeff? If you keep this up, people are going to start thinking you’re actually human.”

  It was an old joke—one that Jeff didn’t find especially humorous. He also wasn’t willing to answer any questions about Maggie. Not when the little girl was rapidly becoming important to him. Something had happened during the field trip to the zoo. Being with the children, taking care of Tommy when he’d skinned his hand, had cracked some part of his protection. Now Maggie slipped inside until he found himself thinking about her throughout the day, worrying about her. Would the teachers at the preschool remember to make sure she wore her jacket outside when she played? Did she finish her lunch? Had anyone treated her unfairly?

  He still remembered when he’d actually taken her onto his lap to comfort her. His reaction had been pure instinct—and filled with more feelings than he cared to admit.

  Both the Churchill females were making a mess of his life.

  He pointed to the papers on the table. “We need the security plans finalized by the end of the week.”

  “No problem.”

  Zane leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. Like Jeff, he wore a suit and tie to the office. Unlike Jeff, he tended to relax during the day, rolling up his sleeves and loosening his collar. He tapped the pages in front of them.

  “I can do this myself,” his partner said quietly. “It’s time to let me take charge. You know, leave it to the younger guys.”

  “Why?” Jeff knew he wasn’t getting old or soft. What was Zane’s point?

  “I can do this,” Zane insisted.

  “That was never a question.”

  “Wasn’t it? Then why do you take all the dangerous assignments for yourself? You leave me babysitting the wives, while you stake out the trouble spots.”

  Jeff studied his partner. The man was only three or four years younger, but sometimes the age difference felt like decades. Zane had a lot of the same experiences, but he was a sharpshooter and a tactician. He’d spent most of his military years planning the operations or taking out the enemy from a distant location. Zane had had his share of kills, but less experience with the horror.

  “I don’t have family,” Jeff said. “The guy who has nothing to lose volunteers for the most dangerous job. It’s an old habit. One I’ve had trouble breaking.”

  Zane’s dark eyes never wavered. “Like I have a family to go home to?”

  Jeff shrugged. Zane didn’t have anyone in the world, either. “So we’re even.”

  Zane frowned. “I thought—” He hesitated. “Hasn’t that changed? I mean with the woman and the kid.”

  “Nothing’s different.”

  Jeff’s voice and words were firm. It was true, he told himself. Absolutely true. Having Ashley and Maggie in his life didn’t change anything. He ignored the whispering voice deep inside that reminded him he was lying. Nothing had changed, he insisted to himself. He couldn’t afford to let circumstances be different. He had to remember what had happened with Nicole—and the dream. Always the dream.

  “I’d like the chance,” Zane told him. “You owe me that.”

  Jeff looked at him. “Free license to kill yourself?”

  “Isn’t that what this job is about? Putting it all on the line for the client?”

  Jeff knew that was true, but what he couldn’t explain was why it made sense for him to do it over and over again, but when Zane wanted the same, Jeff couldn’t help thinking it was a waste.

  “I was at the bookstore at lunch,” Jeff said, standing in the entrance of the kitchen and shifting his weight from foot to foot.

  Ashley stopped stirring the pot of spaghetti sauce. Her boss actually looked nervous. He wouldn’t meet her gaze and there was
a distinct hint of color tingeing his cheeks. The mighty hunter embarrassed about something? She moved toward him, both intrigued and charmed.

  “I had long suspected you could read,” she told him. “But thanks for the confirmation.”

  His mouth twisted. “That’s not the point. I have a trip coming up in a few weeks. I wanted a book for the flight home.”

  She started to ask about the flight there, then realized he would probably spend that preparing for whatever assignment he might be involved with.

  “Okay,” she said. “Well, I hope you enjoy your book and thanks for sharing the information with me.”

  “You’re mocking me.”

  She couldn’t help smiling. “Maybe just a little. Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because there was a display of kids’ books and I bought one for Maggie.”

  He moved his left arm. As he did so she realized that he’d had his left hand tucked behind his back. He held up a pink-and-white gift bag overflowing with glittering pink-gold tissue paper. Obviously he’d not only bought the book, but he’d had it wrapped, as well.

  “Is it okay?” he asked.

  She knew he wasn’t asking about the presentation, but instead about the gift itself. Which left her with her own questions. Did he want to know if it was okay to give Maggie a book, or okay for him to give her daughter a present at all? Maybe he didn’t know which he was asking, either.

  Her chest tightened slightly as she remembered what had happened the previous week when Maggie had been upset about camels and Jeff had comforted her. He’d reacted impulsively. She’d seen the shock in his expression when he’d realized what he’d done, but by then it was too late to stop. Maggie was settled on his lap, leaning against him. Trusting and small, she was impossible to resist. Ashley knew—she’d been unable to keep from loving her from the moment she’d first held her.

  But she was supposed to love her child. She’d wanted to have a baby and had been excited when her daughter had been born. But what about Jeff? Did he want children? He’d told her he couldn’t have them. He’d also said that Maggie wasn’t a substitute for his own child, but she was growing less confident of that. Did the little girl fill a hole in his heart Jeff didn’t even know was there?