Can’t Text This

by Hunter, Teagan

  “I just need you to pay for the shoes, ma’am.”

  “Oh.” I will myself not to blush. “I-I…I can do that.”

  With one last glance at Robbie, the employee nods. “If you’ll come with me, please.”

  I fall in step behind him, only sparing Robbie one last look before I’m carted off to buy the most uncomfortable shoes in the world because he just had to drag me outside in them.

  “Fine. We’ll call it a draw…for now,” Robbie says with a wink.

  Stupid charm.

  Eight

  Monty

  Python: I’m not sorry about kissing you again.

  Me: I don’t want you to be sorry.

  Me: But, I mean, you DID ditch me at the store after YOU made me STEAL. You can be sorry for that.

  Python: I’m not sorry for that either. It was funny.

  Me: You’re oozing charm right now.

  Python: It’s a gift.

  Python: I also feel like I should say that I wasn’t stalking you…that much.

  Me: I know…I think.

  Python: So we agree then? I wasn’t stalking you?

  Me: What kind of question is that?

  Python: I don’t know. Ignore me. I’m tired. I’ve had a long day.

  Me: I saw you three hours ago!

  Python: Hey, a lot can happen in three hours!

  Me: And what happened that has made you so tired?

  Python: I was attacked.

  Me: WHAT? When?!

  Python: Earlier today. I was minding my own business, just trying to get some work done, and BOOM, attacked.

  Me: Attacked how? One of the kids at EP?

  Python: No, it wasn’t one of them.

  Me: Then who? A parent? TELL ME, ROBBIE. I’m worried!

  Python: It was at this store. I was there to pick up a few supplies for EP and I ran into someone who’s…let’s say dangerous to me. Makes me lose my mind and do things I’m not usually prone to doing.

  Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

  Me: UGH.

  Python: Yeah. Dead serious. I was attacked by some redhead who was dressed like she was from the prairie.

  Me: I DO NOT DRESS LIKE THAT!

  Me: Okay, maybe a little bit.

  Python: Stop interrupting! I’m telling a story here.

  Python: ANYWAY. There I was, just strolling through the shoe store, doing my thang. Then BAM! She’s talking about how incredibly sexy I am, how much my muscles and tattoos turn her on. I was so stricken by this. I’d never even properly met her before and here she is, lamenting on and on to some poor old woman about my gorgeous body. Talk about awkward.

  Me: ROBERT!

  Python: SHH! And then, she FORCED me around the store while she tried on shoes. But wait, there’s more! She then DRAGGED me out of the store, using me as a DECOY while she STOLE! GASP!

  Me: I hate you.

  Python: Oh, it gets better, because she then just threw her legs around my waist and KISSED ME. It got extra awkward when she was caught stealing. I hightailed it outta there as fast as I could.

  Me: I’m never texting you again.

  Me: Like, ever.

  Me: NEVER EVER.

  Python: You adore me.

  Me: Not even a little bit.

  * * *

  Python: You still mad at me for yesterday?

  Me: Yes.

  Python: Liar.

  Python: Also, I want to see you again.

  Me: You JUST saw me yesterday.

  Python: I know, but I wasn’t properly prepared for that. I wasn’t on my A game.

  Me: THAT wasn’t your A game?

  Python: Fuck no. That was like B minus game at best.

  Me: Is it sad to admit I’m now a little afraid to see what your A game is?

  Python: There’s no reason to be afraid of the python, Monty.