Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  He kissed me, he yanked my halter top down, I struggled, he felt me up, I bit the side of his face, he backhanded me, I gave him a black eye with the toe of a workman’s boot I found on the floor of the closet and ran the hell out of there.

  Richie had seen how stupid and weak I was when I walked into his house that night wobbling in my high heels. It was written all over my face, so he took advantage of me. I was ashamed. I couldn’t tell my family. I tried to tell my friends. Ariella, Marisol, and Denise all shook their heads solemnly. “You shouldn’t have teased him.” By the end of the summer they noticed I wasn’t around anymore. I started wearing my glasses. It told people I was smart, so don’t mess with me. I started wearing boots like Uncle Frank does. It let everyone know I’m not afraid to stomp you, so don’t mess with me. I picked a look I liked and stuck to it. It said I won’t be changed or manipulated, so don’t try. High school started and the three of them had the nerve to be mad at me. The rent rumors started and they got angrier, all except for some Village Kids who walked up to me and said, “I hear your father is going to kick all the Mexicans out of their trailers and build luxury homes.” I glared at them until they scurried away.

  One day I went to the restroom and came back to my English class to find my purse had been emptied of money and some pages were ripped out of my notebook like confetti. There was snickering as realization crossed my face. The bell rang and the students walked pass as I stared down at my violated belongings. “Payback is a bitch.” I looked up, but no one met my eyes. I swear it was Marisol’s voice. She and Denise were in my class. If they hadn’t done it, they did nothing to stop it. I held my tongue and transferred to another English class. Ariella really was pregnant and I didn’t believe it. Ariella left. She never contacted me. I figured she didn’t want to be contacted. Joey, the angel that he was, stopped the neighborhood kids from harassing Manny and me. My brother somehow found it in himself to forgive them and he made friends with Claude and Jesse and everyone else again. I just couldn’t. The rejection had burrowed, grown roots and sprouted thorns like a cactus plant.

  “Elaine?” Uncle Frank calls from outside my bedroom door. “I need to talk to you. Amelia just called.”

  I rush to the door and pull it open. “What did she say?”

  “Joey came home today and he’s asking for you.”

  ******

  “I can’t.” The wind chimes hanging outside Miss Kinsley’s home whistle admonishingly. I shift my weight in the wooden chair as we sit in the living room. Joey’s mom puts a finger to her lips. She sighs.

  “Last night I learned that even though his father was never there, Joey’s father is there in his blood. Sometimes Joey is just like Richard, trying so hard not to need anyone. That scares me and I think I can’t do anything about it. I still try. I never let him push me entirely away. Elaine, he doesn’t hate you.”

  My head pops up and I sit up in my chair. She smiles at me.

  “I know there’s always some doubt when it comes to love. He was trying to hide from you last night because he doesn’t think you’ll accept him as he is now. But he wants to see you today. I’m pleading with you to do this for me. I don’t know anyone else to turn to for this. You’re his girlfriend. If you’re frightened about the whole situation, love will help you do what you think you can’t do.”

  I’m on the verge of confessing. I’m so tired of lying to her. I don’t love her son. I know what love feels like. I was in love with Raul. Love isn’t like how she’s describing it. It’s not supposed to change you and try to mold you into the perfection the other person thinks you should be and it shouldn’t force you to do things you just can’t do. Love is supposed to be acceptance for who you are. I’m not really dating her son. I shouldn’t be the one to do Miss Kinsley this favor. I owe it to Manny, though. He would do whatever he could for Joey and Miss Kinsley if he wasn’t locked up. I owe it to Joey as well. I wish he would give a statement to the police to help Manny out, but if he doesn’t want to that’s his decision. He has a right to be upset. The fight caused him irreparable damage. I thought he was okay last night at the hospital. He’s not. There’s still work to do. “I’ll do it, Miss Kinsley.”

  She gets up and hugs me and I know exactly how Joey felt when he was younger. She hugs you and you just feel guiltier.

  “His room is the door on the right.”

  My heart is pounding when I knock on his door. I clear my throat. “It’s me. Elaine.” My voice sounds so small.

  “Come in,” his deeper male voice beckons. I turn the doorknob and push the door open. I watch my feet step from the wood floor onto the green carpet in his room and I watch the door swing back into the frame as I close it. I raise my eyes. He’s sitting in bed, chewing a huge mouthful of Cap’n Crunch cereal. Both cheeks are filled to capacity. I can’t help it. I laugh. He tries to chew and laugh and balance the bowl in his lap and ends up choking on some cereal. I laugh harder. He somehow avoids spewing cereal everywhere, stops choking, swallows, and laughs with me, his blue eyes bright and a little wet from choking.

  “Are you okay?” I laugh.

  His smile wavers. He nods.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid choice of words. I watch him carefully place his cereal bowl next to four orange pill bottles on his night table. He’s wearing a yellow and green Brazil soccer t-shirt and the rest of him is under his red plaid blanket. I decide to tell him and leave before I say something else that’s insensitive. “I just wanted you to know that, since your mom will be at work, I’ll be picking you up tomorrow afternoon to take you to the therapy center around twelve.” His eyes leave mine. He sits silently in his bed. “See you tomorrow.” I grab the doorknob.

  “I wanted to talk to you, actually.”

  I stop. I didn’t even let him speak yet. He’s the one that asked for me to come over. He must think I’m stupid, the way I’m running away.

  “You can sit down.”

  I glance around. There’s no chair in his room.

  “Sorry. The only seat I’ve got in here is my bed,” he shrugs. I groan on the inside. I want to sit all the way at the foot of the bed, but I know that would seem rude. I take a seat on the edge of the bed, near the middle, on Joey’s right side. As he speaks, I concentrate on not shaking the bed with my nervous habit of wiggling my leg.

  “Elaine, I’m curious to know why exactly my mother thinks we’re dating.”

  “I see you want to get right to the point.” I grip my knee and mentally threaten it to stop bouncing around. “The day you were taken to St. Mary’s I didn’t know if you were…alive. I was afraid to ask your mother because I figured she was mad at my brother, so I asked Dr. Rice. I lied and told him I was your girlfriend. He took pity on me and told me your condition.”

  He nods. “Okay. So, Dr. Rice told my mom?”

  “Nope. I went and lied a second time. I was scared. Your mom threatened to call the cops if I came back to your hospital room,” Joey’s jaw drops, “and I was like, ‘But Miss Kinsley, I love your son!’” Joey’s smile makes me swallow. “I know. It was stupid. I lied to butter her up so I could keep visiting you.”

  “I can’t believe you did that for me.”

  I frown at his smile. I did it more for my brother than anything.

  “And I can’t believe my mom said that. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I feel so bad about lying to your mom. She’s actually very nice. I don’t know how I’ll tell her.”

  “Who says we have to tell her?”

  “I can’t keep lying to her, Joey. I almost broke down and confessed not even five minutes ago.”

  “She can’t take that kind of news right now. I know her. I really think we should just play along until she’s stable enough to hear it.”

  “Good idea,” I say remembering how upset she was that day at the hospital. Joey is quiet. I watch as he parts his lips a few times to say something but can’t get it out. Eventually, he seems to find the right words.

  “Elaine, I wa
nt to apologize to you and your family for what I did.”

  “Um, for what?”

  “For starting the fight with Manny. Now Manny is in jail for this stupid accident that happened to me, and your dad, he got taken away. Elaine, I’m so sorry. I swear I’ll give the police a statement today. I should have done it sooner, but last night I was…trying to deal with it all.”

  I look away from the sincerity in his eyes. Joey truly thinks this was his fault. For the first time in this ordeal I am so damn angry with my brother for what he did to Joey. I massage both my temples as I stare at the pill bottles sitting on his night stand. “You didn’t start the fight, Joey. Manny did. He found out you were dating Denise.” I sit and wait for Joey’s temper to rear its head. The silence grows and grows.

  “I’m definitely not dating Denise. Besides, I’m a faithful guy. I wouldn’t cheat on you like that,” he jokes. I can’t bring myself to laugh. “I guess my statement to the police will be a little different then.” I peer over at him from behind the hand at my temple. “But most of it will stay the same: It was an accident and I want my best friend to come home.”

  Why hadn’t I noticed what a beautiful person he was before? “I knew you would,” I smile. There’s surprise in his eyes. I’ve never seen the forgiving person that he is because I’m judgmental. I’m cold. I’m hurtful. I’m a cactus flower, not worth the pain to pick. I don’t understand what he ever saw in me.

  His eyes travel over my face and my stomach flutters. “Why’d you put your hair back up?” I glide a hand over my hair and shrug. “I liked it down,” he adds. My hand comes down from my hair and absentmindedly I press my folded fingers to my mouth. His eyes follow my hand to my lips and he exhales. My whole body suddenly feels like a hot tuning fork, vibrating with a sultry energy originating deep within my bones. I can’t help but study his pink mouth in turn. Bubble gum; soft and pink and sweet…

  Maybe I could do it.

  Maybe I could open up like a flower blooms and let him in.

  The reality of both the knock at his door and the outrageous thoughts in my journal-honeyed mind cause me to jump up from his bed.

  Joey’s mother walks into the room. “Everything okay?”

  Standing beside Joey’s bed, I nod.

  “We’re good,” Joey says. “Just having a little talk between sweethearts.” I feel his fingertips trace the inside of my arm down to my wrist and I freeze. He weaves his fingers with mine and I’m weakened.

  “Just checking,” Miss Kinsley smiles at us and then leaves the room. As soon as she does I yank my hand from his.

  “That was completely unnecessary.” I glare at him with my arms crossed.

  He stares up at me innocently. “I was only playing the part.” I shake my head at him disgusted. His well-defined jaw clenches in anger and I recall his hotheadedness and occasional arrogance. His cell phone, lying on the left side of him, begins to chime. We both look over at it. He raises his left hand and it begins to tremble. “I forgot…” he mumbles and then reaches for the phone with his right hand. He grins as he answers it.

  “Hey!…Yeah, I’m home…Aw, don’t cry…Really. I’m fine. I just need to, like, rest and take my medicine…I saw them. Thank you…Sure…Well, don’t bring too many people,” he chuckles and runs a hand over his head. “Yup. Bye.” He hangs up and tosses the phone onto the bed. “Denise is coming over,” he says. I’m unable to hide my annoyance. “If you won’t be able to behave yourself you might want to leave now,” he scolds me as if I’m a child, as if I’m the one who’s done wrong.

  “For your information, your little friend plastered my front door with those stupid pink ‘Save Joey’ flyers. My entire front door! It might as well be freshman year in high school all over again!”

  He shakes his head. “Denise didn’t do that.”

  I stare at him in disbelief. “How would you know? You were in a coma! Her name was on the flyers!”

  “She wouldn’t do something like that.”

  “Yes she would. I know this girl, Joey. I’ve known her since we were ten years old.”

  “No, you knew her from when you were ten up until you were fourteen. Then you weren’t friends anymore. Six years have passed since you’ve talked to her, meaning you don’t know her at all.”

  I laugh nervously. “I can’t believe that gold digger has strung my brother along for five years and you’re defending her.”

  “Lucky for you, five years of pining for someone isn’t something you can relate to.” His eyes stab me. I hug my arms tightly around myself.

  “W-what do you mean?”

  “Joey? It’s me!” Someone squeals as they knock on the door.

  “Come on in,” Joey calls.

  The door flies open and Denise takes a few baby steps towards the foot of the bed. How the hell did she get over here so fast? On her broomstick? She glances at me and then back at Joey with her lip quivering and her eyes streaming mascara stained tears. Maybe I would have regarded her affection for Joey as genuine if she hadn’t been wearing a cut-off belly shirt and what looked like jean underwear. She wipes the tears from her face and onto her jeans.

  Joey smiles sweetly. “I thought I told you not to cry.”

  “Your hair…” she whimpers. Then the waterworks begin full force. She cries and cries as she shuffles past me to Joey. She gets onto the bed with him, straddles him, and buries her face into his chest. “I missed you!” she wails. Joey laughs and hugs her, running a hand down her long dark-brown hair.

  “Okay okay. I know you’re happy to see me but you can’t…straddle me. It’s not friend appropriate behavior.” She complies and rolls off of Joey, positioning herself to lay on the right side of the bed with her head on his shoulder. Grossed out yet entertained, I lean my back against the wall and watch them.

  “I did a fundraiser for you,” she brags.

  My family contributed money to cover Joey’s hospital bills too, but you don’t hear me making any announcements.

  “I know. Thank you.”

  “I put that picture of you and me at Tino’s party on the flyers. I made all the flyers myself on my dad’s computer. Marisol taped them up all over the neighborhood and we raised almost six hundred dollars.”

  Joey glances pointedly at me and I feel only a pinch of guilt. So Marisol did it, my mistake. She and Denise are basically the same person anyways.

  “Say hi to my friend Elaine,” Joey says. I roll my eyes.

  Denise looks over her shoulder at me. “Hi, Laney.”

  “Hi, Denise.”

  “Sorry about your brother,” she pouts. I want to wrap her long beautiful hair around my fist, drag her off the bed and dig my claws into her. She’s the reason Manny is in jail. She is the real facilona. I’m certain that she and everyone else have lost count of how many times she’s been around the block.

  I deliberately look over her outfit and raise an eyebrow. She looks blankly at me then turns her head away and snuggles into Joey’s side. Joey frowns at me. Without warning, three more of Joey’s fans burst into the room. They squeal and cry and fawn over him. Joey introduces me to Morghan, Brittany and Tia. I smile politely at the pretty airheads and they smile back and then all get into Joey’s bed.

  They baked brownies and cooked casseroles for him. They kiss him lovingly on the cheek, on the forehead, play with his short hair, caress his unshaven face, squeeze his bicep, and even pat him on the thigh. King Joey sits there enjoying his affectionate harem of concubines, himself a whore for attention. I refuse to stand there and be mistaken for another female fan. I walk out. “See you tomorrow!” Joey calls from his room as I stride down the hall. Maybe you won’t.

  ******

  “What’s her problem?” Tia asks concerned.

  “She’s jealous,” Denise answers nonchalantly.

  Brittany fingers a strand of her short golden hair. “She’s always been like that, I think. Always sort of…standoffish.”

  “Stuck up,” Morghan clarifies.


  “Hey. Don’t call her names. Elaine’s not any of that. She’s just worried about her father and Manny right now.”

  “Pardon me if I’m not sympathetic towards the guy who almost killed my friend,” Morghan rolled her eyes.

  Tia scratches at her hand as she looks down at the rumpled bed sheets. “Maybe it would have been nice to just ask her how her family was doing,” she shyly proposes. “We could have asked how Mr. Roberts is getting along. Just to be nice. I don’t know.”

  The three other girls shrug in unison.

  “Girls, what happened was an accident. Manny and I were throwing fists like it was a turf war and we are both dealing with the consequences right now. His sentencing is this week. It would make me very happy if any of you would write a letter to the court for him. You all know he’s a good guy. He never meant for all this to happen. If you write a letter to the judge about Manny’s good character he’ll be more likely to give him a short sentence or, better yet, release him.”