Arizona Allspice

by Lewin, Renee

  Her hair is down; dark, shiny and smooth. I wish I could run my fingers through it. No glasses. Her eyes are even more stunning now with smoky eye shadow. She’s wearing a candy red halter vest that accentuates her chest and her waist. Her black skirt stops above the knee, letting my eyes travel down luscious long legs. She’s stepping around in expensive looking black leather boots that have skinny heels and a seductive arch. She turns and her entire back is out, except for the ribbons that tie the two sides of the vest together. The ribbon trails down her spine and stops right above the glorious curve of her behind. I start praying to God to help me control my primal urge to grab her, find us a bedroom, lock the door and not come out for a few days.

  Tia, who was standing beside me, gently elbows me. “She ain’t wearing that outfit for Manny,” she whispers and gives me a wink and a smile.

  Whispers of “He’s here!” and “Quiet!” spread across the room. I want to get up to the front so I can be one of the first people to greet Manny. I say, “Excuse me” to a lady in front of me. She turns to the people in front of her and says, “Everyone, move. Joey’s coming through.” The message gets passed along and suddenly the sea of bodies parts. I walk through the cleared path up to the front. The front row has all of Manny’s friends lined up, but Elaine is standing a foot in front of them, by herself. I guess everyone had pushed her up to the front so she could be the very first to see her brother. Out of nowhere, Morghan grabs my arm and drags me to stand beside Elaine. “Your Manny’s best friend, aren’t you?” She smiles and steps back into the crowd. Elaine tries to keep her eyes on the door, but eventually she can’t ignore my presence any longer. She glances at me. When I give her a genuine smile, she seems shocked. She quickly returns her gaze to the door. The entire room is quiet. I can hear my heart racing in my chest. I’m not sure what I’m nervous about, Manny or Elaine? The door opens. Frank walks in grinning and right behind him, Manny.

  “SURPRISE!” We all shout.

  Manny jumps and clutches his heart. “Are you guys trying to kill me?”

  Everyone laughs and swarms around him to watch the reunion of him and his family and friends. Elaine throws her arms around his neck and they both just hold each other and quietly cry. “Awww,” the crowd sighs. He whispers something in her ear and she smiles and whispers something back. Next, Manny turns to me. We hug as men do, with powerful squeezes and hard pats on the back. We step away from each other and I playfully rub my hand across the top of his head. He has a fresh haircut, the reason it took a while for him to arrive. I’m speechless the whole time. “Me and you are gonna make it happen, Superman,” he says. I nod, laughing, and then slowly step away so others get their turn with him.

  “Where’s your mother?” Frank gives my shoulder a squeeze.

  “She’s being helpful back at the buffet tables.”

  He nods and leaves to find her. I look to my right and realize Elaine is standing near me, happily watching her brother reunite with his friends. Again, I start fidgeting.

  ******

  When I arrived at B’s Pizza Parlor I was shocked at how nice everyone was to me. Free food does that to people. I received a lot of compliments on my outfit. Auntie Amelia is the one that helped me put the outfit together. She said it would help my cause. I almost cried when one of my neighbors said “I’m sorry for what we put you through five years ago.” It was the first apology I’ve ever gotten for what happened to me and my family after the rent increase. All I ever wanted was to know that someone had some remorse over what they had done. My friends escorted me up to the front of the crowd so that I could be the first to see my brother. They also shoved Joey up to the front.

  When someone looks at you with so much pain in their eyes and says “I don’t ever want to see you again,” you believe them. So when he smiled at me I was stunned. Manny walked in before I could process what Joey’s smile meant. It was so good to see Manny standing in front of me. He was safe now. He was home. A piece of my world was returned to me. Thank you, God. “You should see the way he’s looking at you right now,” Manny whispered to me as we hugged. I blushed. “I missed you, too, Manny,” I laughed. Reluctantly, I pull away. I stand and watch him and Joey. I watch as Jesse and Claude, Manny’s other good friends, welcome him home. I smile to myself and wipe at my tears.

  “How have you been?” Joey’s voice startles me.

  How have I been since we split up? Miserable. Empty.

  “This morning I was really nervous, but now I’m happy,” I smile as best I can, trying to hide how awkward I feel. He nods. “How have you been?” I ask him.

  “I’m doing okay, considering the circumstances.”

  Yes, the circumstances. I nod. “I heard you’re back on the field,” I say.

  He smiles wide. “As soon as Gerard gave me the green light, I raced home. I had the whole field to myself.”

  “You should’ve called. I would’ve come to the field.”

  “I know.” He stares into my eyes. “Can I still get a congratulatory hug?” He smirks.

  I chuckle. He has always been needy for hugs. “Sure,” I say nervously. I allow him to put his arms around me. I can’t describe how it felt to have his hands pressed against my bare skin, to inhale his warm, familiar scent and to know that in his heart he didn’t hate me. I stop breathing when he whispers in my ear, “It could feel like this, always.” Joey steps away and his cheeks are a little rosy. He chews on his lip as he looks at me. I swallow. “See you later,” he says and walks away. I stand there, dumbfounded and weak in the knees, until Marisol grabs my arm and I snap out of it. I spend the next three hours bouncing from friend to friend, eating here and there, and being the proud twin sister on Manny’s arm.

  My feet are aching horribly from the three inch heels on my boots. I grab some finger sandwiches from the buffet table and sit down at an empty table. I rest my feet up on the seat of another chair and watch everybody dancing. Mr. Jeremy paid for a DJ as well. I laugh to myself when I see Jacob dancing embarrassingly bad with Marisol and Tia. I don’t know if he’s drunk or just has no rhythm. Neither girl looks impressed. The DJ puts on a slower song, some kind of disco-infused Spanish ballad. It’s not a slow jam. I can still bob my head to it. Out of nowhere, Joey appears in front of me.

  “Would you like to dance?” He smiles confidently.

  I slide my feet off the chair and sit up straight. He holds out his hand to me. I discard my little sandwich, dust off my hands and place my hand in his. I notice one of my black hair ties around his wrist and smile. He pulls me up from my seat. We walk side by side, holding hands, to the dance floor. Slow and close, we dance together. I study the faint freckles he has and his red curls spilling onto his forehead. I study the beautiful shape of his mouth. I rest my face in the crook of his neck and begin to cry. Memories start flooding over me, good memories of him and I. Joey holds me closer, tighter, and lets my tears soak his shirt. I’m crying because I know I love him and yet the fear inside of me won’t allow myself to be his. This is torture. It’s killing me.

  “Please don’t cry,” Joey whispers, begging. “You look so beautiful tonight,” he breathes. His lips find my temple and then they linger on my cheek. When he replaces his soft warm lips with his cheek pressed against mine, I almost whimper at the loss.

  I stop crying and relax. I get comfortable with his arm around me and his hand in my hair. As I lift my face from Joey’s neck to reposition it, I peek over his shoulder and see Manny talking and laughing with a guy almost a foot taller than him. The person’s back is to me. He’s wearing a basketball jersey and even though his skin is much lighter than mine, the texture of his wavy hair is just like mine before I straighten it. They bump fists and I get a good look at the guy’s face as he surveys the dance floor. Every muscle in my body freezes. It’s Richie. My hand clutches Joey’s shirt and I hide my face against his chest, hoping I can’t be seen. Suddenly, my skin starts to crawl where Joey is touching me. Why did I dress this way? I look like a slut
. I arch my back away from his hands and step away from him.

  “You okay?”

  I keep glancing at the other side of the room to make sure Richie can’t spot me. “Uh…I’m gonna go to the restroom. Okay?”

  “Okay,” he says, sad that I’m leaving him.

  He holds on to my hand as I try to walk away. “I’ll be right back,” I say, feeling guilty. He lets my fingers slip from his hand and I sneak through the crowd to the women’s restroom. I’m surprised to see that Denise is inside, crying at the sink before I could do so myself.

  “Denise?”

  “Hey,” she sniffles.

  “What happened?” For a second I thought she might be hiding from Richie too.

  “I took Manny for granted. Now he wants nothing to do with me.”

  I walk over to her and rub her back. “I’m sorry.” I look at us in the mirror.

  “Don’t be,” she says. “It’s my fault. I kept pushing him away. He used to give me all these compliments and say all these good things. He must have been crazy, right? That’s what I thought. But isn’t that what you want from someone who loves you? For them to see the beauty and potential in you that you can’t even see?” She stares into her own eyes in the mirror. “Stupid me. I always want the ones that don’t care about me. I even tried to be with Joey,” she laughs. My heart jumps. “It was obvious he wasn’t interested. El Fuego burns for you. Aren’t you lucky?” She smiles at me through her tears. I wipe my own tears from my face. “I’m sorry our friendship ended the way it did,” she says.

  “I’m sorry, too.” We talk some more and help one another fix our ruined makeup. Denise leaves the bathroom first. I stay behind and try to come up with a plan. I want to spend more time with Joey, but I cannot be in the same room as that pervert Richie. I decide to sneak through the crowd again and get Joey to leave the party and go somewhere else with me. I leave the bathroom and slowly walk up the hall towards the party room. When I get to the end of the hall and peek around the corner, first I see Denise chatting up Mr. Jimenez, our current park manager. I shake my head. The man is at least 20 years older than her and in no way attractive. Then I see Joey and Richie standing by the beverage table. I watch Joey laugh at something Richie says and my stomach ties into a painful knot. I feel as though I’ll faint. I need fresh air. I go down the hall and find a door that leads to the parlor’s kitchen. I go through the kitchen’s back door and I’m outside. I pull my boots off and walk barefoot to the parking lot. When I see my truck, I run to it. I have to leave. I can’t bear to go back to the party.

  ******

  I let go of her hand and she walks away. I watch her hips sway as she heads in the direction of the restrooms. The warm sensation of her body against mine lingers. Holding her was surreal. My mind and my body are buzzing. It was just like in my dream. I want to tell her about the dream, but it’s not the right time. I’m restless as soon as she leaves. I go to the food tables, but I don’t have the appetite for any of it. I get a drink of water instead. I keep my eyes in the direction of the hallway as I drink, looking out for Elaine to come back. I chuckle at myself. All she had to do was wear a hot outfit and I forgot all about my sorrows.

  “What up, Kinsley?”

  I turn my head to see Richie smiling at me. The dude is always smiling. I nod at him, pretending not to see his hand held out, and look back at the dance floor. I’ve never liked Richie. He says the most twisted things with that same crooked grin on his face. I haven’t seen the guy in at least a year, and the last time was by accident. I guess free food brings every creature out of its hole.

  “So, I seen you dancing with Elaine,” Richie continues because he can’t take a hint and go away. “You hittin’ that?” he asks.

  I flash him my most sincere ‘Why don’t you shrivel up and die?’ glare ever. “That’s none of your business,” I say bluntly. He continues to smile at me.

  “I’ve never seen her look so sexy. She usually dresses like a dike. She’s fine when she wants to be, but watch out dude. She’s a tease. Defiant as hell, too.”

  I look at Richie and burst out laughing. If I don’t laugh this off, he’ll be on his way to a hospital soon and I don’t want to ruin Manny’s party. “Dude, honestly…go screw yourself,” I scowl and walk away from the stupid surprised look on his face.

  Why do girls take so long in the bathroom?

  ******

  As soon as I got home, Joey sent me a text message: “Wher’d u go? I cant find u.” I stare at his message trying to think of a good excuse for leaving. If I tell him I’m sick, he’ll most likely show up at my house to comfort me.

  “I left. Bad cramps. That time of the month. Sry.” I cringe as I hit send.

  “K. Wish u were here.”

  Thoroughly embarrassed, I changed and got into bed. I guess it was less embarrassing than the truth. Manny got home a little after 2 A.M. I know because I was still awake. I couldn’t sleep.

  “Hey, Laney. Why’d you leave early?” He asks when he sees me on the living room couch.

  I shrug.

  “You wanna sit out back with me for a while?” He asks.

  We plop down in two lawn chairs in the backyard. He pulls a lighter from his pocket and lights a citronella candle to keep the mosquitoes away. Then he pulls a cigarette from his pocket and lights it. I make no comment on his new smoking habit. I don’t want to start an argument when he just came home. I watch him turn his head and exhale the smoke out of his mouth so that it won’t blow into my face. He looks so much like Daddy as he smokes. “Denise tried to flirt with me tonight. Can you believe that?”

  “You two used to flirt with each other all the time.”

  “Well, I’ve changed.”

  I nod my head. It sounds like he won’t be a doormat any longer.

  “I had to pry her arms from around me. It was pathetic,” he wrinkles his nose. “Then I see her talking to Mr. Jimenez. She needs help and I won’t be the one to give it to her. Not anymore, but enough about me. How are you doing?”

  “I’ve changed, too. I still need some help though. I’m still trying to understand why I sabotage everything.”

  “You mean with Joey?”

  “Mostly.”

  “There’s this quote that goes ‘We mortal fools are not satisfied to be right, unless we can prove others to be quite wrong’.” He pauses to take a drag on his cigarette. “You haven’t proven him wrong no matter how hard you’ve tried.”

  I take a deep breath to stop my urge to cry. “You know what tomorrow is?” I ask.

  He clears his throat. “Yeah.”

  Tomorrow is June 3rd; the first anniversary of the day Mom was taken from us. “What should we do?” I ask Manny.

  “Remember her and live life the way she taught us. The same thing we should do every day.”

  Maybe being the older twin by 43 seconds really did make him smarter and wiser than me, a fact my brother has teased me with since we were old enough to talk.

  I start thinking about the way Mom lived her life. She lived for her family. She loved with her entire heart. She loved Manny and I so much, she wouldn’t let us be the victims of Dad’s episodes. She loved Daddy so much she let him take his anger out on her. Was it an unhealthy love? I want my Dad home with me, even if he is unstable. If he hit me, I would forgive him. I would never let Joey physically take his anger out on me. Then again, I’m sure Mom didn’t think she would ever let Daddy hit her either. Auntie Amelia didn’t plan to be in an abusive relationship. Is that what love does to you? Maybe that’s why I’m so afraid.

  My mother passed away and I just put the pain in a box inside of me. Raul broke up with me, I was sad for a day and then I shut the pain away and moved on. Joey…I just can’t compartmentalize him. He’s too great to fit into a box. It makes me so angry with myself. Isn’t my mother greater than some dude that I like? But he’s not just “some dude.” I know that what I feel for him will never go away, but I don’t know if I have the ability to ignore the p
ast and stop it from ruining our future.

  THIRTEEN

  I don’t want to hear even a sigh of annoyance from anyone on my team. I’m putting myself through the same rigorous practice as they are. As we run “suicides” across the length of the field, the only sound is that of our hard breathing and our shoes thumping against the ground. Any disgruntled huffs or whines of exhaustion, and I will make them start over again. While darting back and forth across the field and keeping my team members in check, I notice a red Durango nearing the field and then parking beside the goal. Once I swipe away the sweat dripping into my eyes I get a clear view of the well dressed gentlemen that step out of the vehicle. They’re the bosses. The most important of the four men is simply referred to as the Boss. I watch as they walk out to the sidelines, careful not to get dirt on their leather loafers, and mutter to each other as they survey my team.

  “Do your legs feel like rubber bands?” I ask my team members once our exercise is finished.