Let Me Heal Your Heart

by Lily Foster

  “It’s such a beautiful pattern,” she said as she walked towards me, smiling. “You must be Declan. I’m Diana, a friend of your father’s.”

  “Hi. He didn’t tell me about you.” I felt like I was in some kind of warped reality, a dream.

  “Well, I feel like I know everything about you. Your father talks about you nonstop. I’ve even become a bit of a hockey fan because he’s always watching your games.”

  “Really?” I wasn’t entirely sure my father even knew my middle name, let alone actual details about my life. With that, he came walking into the room and smiled, surprised when he saw me talking to his woman. He looked good, better than he had in years. His skin and eyes looked bright and clear. He stood up straight, not stooped over like he had been. Maybe he was getting laid, I thought bitterly.

  “Hi, Declan.” He came over and hugged me stiffly. “I see you’ve met Diana.”

  “Yes.” I smiled at her. I don’t know what it was about her, but despite the urge I had to push my father away, I liked Diana.

  She broke in to ease the awkward silence. “Dinner is ready. We were just waiting on you. Is your girlfriend coming?”

  “Um, let’s eat without her. I’ll head over to her place later.”

  My phone was on vibrate. I could feel it buzzing and my phone pinging with incoming texts throughout the meal. I ignored her. I actually enjoyed Diana’s company at dinner. She did most of the talking, telling me about her two sons, one who played basketball at UMaine and the other, an accountant working in New York City. She prompted my dad to add to the conversation when she told me about the recent trip they’d taken to go hiking at Loon Mountain. My dad spoke, awkwardly at first and then more relaxed as the meal wore on. He stuck to more comfortable topics, like hockey. He definitely had been watching all my games; he recounted all my best plays of the season so far. I found myself saying, “Why don’t you two come down for a game soon. The tickets I get for family are pretty decent.”

  My dad swallowed and looked to Diana, who was holding his hand. “I’d really love that, son.”

  Diana smiled at me warmly. “I can’t wait, Declan.”

  As I was driving over to Tess’s later that afternoon, I realized that there hadn’t been a bottle of wine on the table. My father didn’t have booze on his breath either. Interesting.

  Tess’s sisters practically tackled me as I walked in the door. Deena and Becky were twins, freshmen in high school. I’d known them since they were twelve. They were like two crazy firecrackers, always up for some fun. They drove Tess bananas. I think she would have preferred being an only child only because she didn’t know how lonely it could be. I did.

  “Get off him, you two!”

  “Hi Deena, hi Becky. How’s school going? You like high school so far?”

  “Love it!” Becky squealed. “I’m playing volleyball and—”

  “I’m running cross country.”

  “Any boyfriends?”

  “No,” they said in unison, disappointed.

  “Don’t put any ideas in their heads, Declan,” Tess’s dad said as he came in and shook my hand. “How are you? I’ve been following the games, like everyone else in this town. You’re the big talk in the Oak Diner. You’ve even made me into a minor celebrity.”

  I always liked him. He was a nice guy. Her mom was pretty nice too. She was into appearances a little too much for my taste, but she was all right. Everyone in the family had greeted me warmly except my girlfriend. She had her arms crossed right under her breasts, pushing them up on purpose, I supposed. “Glad you decided to grace us with your presence. We ate already.”

  “We waited for you to have desert though, Declan,” Becky broke in.

  Before I came into the house I had checked my phone. Twelve missed calls and four text messages.

  Where are you?

  Did you even come back today?

  A phone call would be nice at least.

  Where are you????

  “I went home first. I ate with my father.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he asked me to.”

  “It’s five o’clock, Declan. You could have picked up the phone, you know.”

  “Yeah, well I spent four hours on a bus today, Tess. Then I had to hitch a ride to my house. My travel itinerary ate up a lot of my day.”

  “Are you staying tonight?” she asked. Her tone was softer. I think she realized she’d sounded like a shrew.

  “Yeah, but I have to catch the bus at nine.”

  “Nine?” she whined.

  “I told you I would be coming and turning right back around, Tess. I have mandatory practice tomorrow and the Vermont game on Saturday.”

  “Can we go back to your place after dessert? I need some time alone with you.”

  “My father has company, Tess.”

  “You’re kidding me, right?”

  “No. A lady friend, in fact.”

  She looked disgusted. “For real? Doesn’t that piss you off?”

  “Should it? It’s been almost four years, Tess. He looked happy and it was actually a little better between us.”

  “Really?” She looked unconvinced.

  “Tess, he looked good and he wasn’t drinking.”

  She took my hands, nodding. “I’m glad, Declan.”

  Her sisters had gone into the kitchen to help their mom with the dessert and her dad was outside getting more firewood. We were alone on the couch. She leaned in and kissed me, stroking my face, then lowering her hand and stroking my thigh. I put my hand on hers to stop her. “What is it? What’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing. I’m just sore and tired from being on that bus all day.”

  “Come on,” she said, leading me outside, grabbing two sweatshirts off the hooks by the door. We walked down the street to a park by the elementary school. She guided me to a swing and then sat on my lap, facing me. She took my face in her hands and kissed me. She spoke between kisses. “My parents said I could ask for one big thing or a bunch of smaller things for Christmas. I asked my mom if my big thing could be a trip. Like a spring break trip, with you, after the season is over, somewhere warm. Our March breaks overlap.” She was making plans four months in advance. My chest felt tight.

  “Your parents would be all right with you staying in a hotel room with me?” I asked skeptically.

  “My mom is. She won’t tell my dad I’m going with you. He’ll think I’m going with friends. You, me, skimpy bathing suit, the ocean, hotel…”

  If she had noticed my lukewarm reaction, she was ignoring me. “And if you are wondering what to get me…I would be very excited to open a box with a new Vuitton bag inside. I’ll send you the link to the exact kind I want, ok?”

  I felt like I had a brick on my chest. After smiling through desert and the hours afterward, hanging out alone with her in her den, I made my way home. I was relieved to be alone again.

  Before going to bed, I took a quick look at the e-mail she’d already sent me with the link to the Christmas present she’d all but demanded. Eight hundred dollars. Who does that? I sighed. I guess I couldn’t blame her. Other girls had this kind of stuff and I guess Tess just wanted to be like everyone else.

  Being with Tess, most of it was fine, good even. I did care about her, I knew she loved me and her family was great. I just couldn’t shake the growing feeling of resentment, though. And I just couldn’t get Anna out of my head. It was that simple.

  Anna

  “So, was Mama well behaved, Fiona?”

  “I heard her say to my father, ‘What’s gotten into her, Max?’ She needs some time to get used to the new, outspoken me. But, Anna, it was better. I always used to walk around, grinding my teeth, swallowing the words I really wanted to say. Now, I spoke honestly. It felt so…freeing!”

  I hugged her. “That is so good, Fiona.”

  “How was your family bonding time?”

  “Well, everyone has a new boyfriend or a new girlfriend except for me. My father brought a
woman to Thanksgiving dinner that I actually liked. With her around, he wasn’t as much of a tool as he usually is.”

  “And mother dearest?”

  “That was interesting. We spent Saturday afternoon together at her place. She made a nice lunch for us and we talked. Oh, and the weirdest part? She was entirely substance free. I could guarantee there were no happy pills involved.” Fiona frowned. “Really, I mean, it was good. She told me she’s dating someone who lives in town, an attorney. I can’t explain it but I didn’t feel as angry as I usually do when I’m around her. Do you think it’s because I’m getting older?”

  “It could be them, Anna. It could be because they’re behaving better, more like adults. How are you doing with the whole Declan situation?”

  “Hurts like hell but I think I’m finally seeing the light. He’s not mine, he’s hers.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Steer clear. Hopefully that whole out of sight, out of mind thing works.”

  “I’ll keep you occupied. I’m even boycotting his hockey games in a show of solidarity.”

  “No. I don’t want you to do that. And, Fiona, you can be friends with him. It’s ok with me.”

  “I’m not feeling very congenial towards him right now.”

  “He’s a good person, Fiona. He needs real friends like you, not people who stroke his ego like Paige and Charlotte.”

  “That’s definitely not the only thing those two would like to stroke,” she said, shaking her head, disgusted.

  I had no ill will towards Declan. Even though the thought, I hate him, ran through my mind at fairly regular intervals, I knew I didn’t have any hate in my heart for him. I loved him, absolutely loved him. I’d never want anything for him but good things. But when he followed me into the bookstore that morning, I’d lost my cool. Before coming back from Connecticut, I made a pact with myself. Swore I wouldn’t be weak, swore that I’d say hi, smile and act like I was just fine. I didn’t want him to see how much I hurt, to see how gut-wrenchingly painful being apart from him was. But his reaction burned me. He sounded as if he was annoyed with me. He sounded disappointed that I wasn’t falling right back into step, carrying on like his girlfriend, or his good buddy in the very least, when I clearly wasn’t either of those things.

  Declan wanted us to go back to how we were last week, as if Tess’s visit hadn’t happened. As if I hadn’t just bore witness to him being with her, being physical with her, kissing her. Was he becoming one of those guys? The star athlete whose judgment becomes clouded by all the adoration and attention? Whatever was prompting his delusional thoughts about us, it didn’t matter. I was moving on even if it killed me.

  Those few weeks before Christmas break were busy. I had work to catch up on and finals were coming up. The parties, however, did not die down. Now that the cold had set in, we would generally hit the house parties that were thrown by the upperclassmen. Two weeks in, I finally ran into him at a party. I made sure to stay on the opposite side of the large space, away from Declan and his friends.

  It felt awkward, avoiding him. It’s the saddest feeling, being formal and polite with someone you’d once been so close to, someone you’d once shared your most intimate secrets and feelings with. The boy truly knew more about me than anyone else in the world and now I was acting like we were distant acquaintances.

  When I felt a tap on my shoulder, I braced myself for a second, expecting it to be him. Danielle and Lauren were looking over my shoulder, Lauren angry and Danielle white as a sheet. “I see you took my advice,” Charlotte said.

  After gritting my teeth at the sound of her voice, I whipped around and said as coolly as I could manage, “I would never take advice from you, Charlotte. For one, I hear you’re an imbecile who only got into this school because you’re a legacy, and second, I think you’re morally bankrupt.

  She rolled her eyes, trying to appear bored. “Your hair, I was talking about your hair, Anna. Too bad for you, though, seems like Declan’s a brunette lover.”

  “Are you done, bitch? Move along,” I said, waving her away.

  “Almost.” She cocked her head and gave her rendition of a sympathetic look. No surprise, she couldn’t pull it off. “I actually feel bad for you, Anna. It had to have hurt, seeing Declan whispering in her ear, kissing her, knowing he was making love to his woman each and every night.” She smiled and shrugged. “He used you, nothing more.”

  “Hey, Charlotte, I think you should shut the fuck up,” Danielle said as she flung a full beer right in Charlotte’s face. Charlotte went to smack Danielle’s face but Lauren blocked her hand.

  “No cat fights, ladies.”

  Charlotte looked to Danielle and spat, “I’d watch my back if I were you.”

  “Ooh,” Danielle teased, “I’m so scared.”

  She stomped off and a minute later Lauren said, “Good. I just saw her leave. I was so not into having a retaliation beer dumped on me tonight. Now that the wicked witch is gone, ladies, let’s have some fun.”

  A group of about eight of us from our dorm spent the next two hours dancing and doing the occasional shots. I was having a great time. I didn’t know if Declan was still there and for the first time, probably thanks to the cocktails, I wasn’t concerned one way or the other. I felt free and happy, dancing, singing along to my favorites and laughing with my friends. Guys were coming up to dance with us but I wasn’t interested in anyone until much later in the night when I’d had too much to drink. He caught my arm as I stumbled. “Thanks.”

  “You steady now, Anna?”

  “Do I know you? I mean, should I know your name?”

  He had a nice smile. “I’m Chris Gallagher. We haven’t met but I’ve been asking around about you. I’ve seen you on campus. Hope you’re not offended.”

  The music was loud so when he spoke to me he was leaning down over me, talking right into my ear. He was a big guy, like Declan. And then when I’d answer him, he’d lower his face to mine, so he could hear me better, I guessed. “I’m not offended.”

  He danced with me and my friends. He wasn’t coming on too strong but I knew he was interested. Was I interested? I don’t know. He smelled really good. I know I was feeling loose, relaxed and happy. When he put his hands on my waist as the music slowed, I didn’t stop him. When he went to kiss me, I turned away just slightly, on impulse, and he blushed. “Sorry, Anna, that was too fast. You’re just really beautiful, that’s all.”

  I looked up to him and smiled. Over his shoulder, I saw Declan staring at me, a cold look in his eyes. Fuck you, I thought, as I pulled Chris’s head down to mine then and kissed him—kissed him good. Chris pulled me closer to him and I could feel him hard against my stomach. I backed away a little, I didn’t want that. “We’re good. It’s ok,” he whispered in my ear as he backed away a few centimeters himself.

  “Anna, can I talk to you for a minute?” Declan was now standing behind me.

  “What’s up, Banks?” Chris was leveling Declan with a look that was borderline aggressive.

  “Nothing, Chris, just need a word with Anna.”

  I looked over my shoulder, dismissing him. “I’m all right, Declan.”

  He grasped my elbow and whispered in my ear, “Don’t, Anna.”

  I jerked my arm away from him. “Leave me alone, Declan.”

  “I just heard her tell you to leave her alone, Banks. Do that, now.”

  Now he was standing face to face with Chris. “Watch yourself, Gallagher.”

  Chris laughed loudly in reply. Declan looked back to me, disgusted. “Do whatever you want, Anna.”

  One of Chris’s friends came by then with another tray of shots. I took one, he took two. The amber liquid felt hot as it made its way into my system. We started dancing again but I was starting to feel like the room was spinning. “Anna, come on. I’m taking you home.”

  The last thing I remember seeing before leaving the party was Brandon in a corner of the room, yelling right up in Declan’s face.

>   The cool air felt great as we made our way outside. Chris scooped me up, carrying me as we walked back towards campus. He was big and strong. It felt nice and I was too tired to walk all the way back. He made a turn off the main street then. “My dorm isn’t this way, Chris.”

  “My place is.”

  “Um, I think I should go back to Loyola.”

  “Shh, baby. You’re tired. My place is closer.”

  “No. I want to go back. I think I’m gonna be sick, Chris.”

  “I’ll take care of you, baby.”

  “Chris, put her down.” It was Declan’s voice.

  “Oh, Christ. Banks, get the fuck out of here before I beat the shit out of you, ok?”

  “You’re not taking her home, Chris. She’s not for you.”

  “She’s with me so head on home, frosh, before I make you regret this.”

  “Everyone knows how it is with you, Chris. You take girls home who can’t even walk. That’s how you like them.”

  I was lightheaded then. Chris looked to me, sweetly. “He’s full of shit, Anna. I’m gonna put you down for a second so I can take care of this, ok?”

  I nodded and when he put me down, I moved a few feet back to sit on a stoop. I didn’t think I could stand on my own. Watching Declan and Chris go at it was making my head spin even more. They were tackling and punching one another, two giants beating one another to a pulp. Declan had the advantage, not in size but in sobriety. When Chris crumpled to the floor, Declan came over to me, eyes set to kill. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, groaning under the strain of my weight and the injuries he’d sustained during the fight. “Declan—” I whispered. I wanted to tell him to put me down, that I was going to puke, but he cut me off.

  “Shut the fuck up, Anna.” He walked the rest of the way in silence. I could hear him suck in a gasp every time he readjusted me on his shoulder as we made our way up the hill towards the dorms.

  The next thing I remember, Declan was holding my hair back as I puked up everything I’d had to drink. Everything. He was wiping wet paper towels across my forehead and over the back of my neck.