“Yeah. No. That’s totally possible.”
“Beg pardon?”
“Of course, I meant to say. I was running over some calculations in my head there just now. Lots of calculations. Preoccupied. You know?”
“Jon, are you all right? You sound tentative, in some type of pain. May I help?”
“Me, pain? No. Ever since I stopped having hemorrhoids when I became a robot I have no hidden pain.” I chuckled ineffectively to break the tension that at least I was feeling acutely.
“That’s good to hear. I’m happy you’re well. I hate to think of you suffering the pain and itching of …”
“You know, let’s just change the old subject, okay? We won’t talk about my former butt ailments, and I bet we’ll be happier and more productive.”
“If you think it’s best.”
“Boy howdy, I really do.”
“Knowing you’re happy again with your former craft gives me palpable solace. I’m happy for the both of you. Honestly, I’m thrilled.”
“On the other hand, man those strangulated external hemorrhoids could be a hyper-bitch. You know what I mean?”
As of the completion of that sentence, we had twelve days left before we arrived to Azsuram. I sure hoped EJ might surprise attack us at any moment. I needed the distraction.
THIRTY-EIGHT
“What will today’s lesson be, Cala?” Mirraya asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
“Today we have a practical lesson.”
Mirri’s eyes shot open fully awake. “It doesn’t involve teenagers and hollon does it?”
Slapgren was just entering, late as usual. With a finger in his ear cleaning it out, he asked absently, “Today’s about hollon? Really?”
“No and no,” Cala snapped at both separately. “Minds out of the sewer please. Today we have a real-life session in self-defense.”
Slapgren gestured between himself and Mirri. “We’re going to fight each other? Really? I’ll totally win. Cool.”
Cala paused, possibly counting to twenty in her head. “Here’s a thought. Since there are an infinite number of lessons in the universe, instead of you going through them all, why don’t you let me tell you. Hmm?”
Slapgren shrugged. “Sure. Whatever floats your boat.”
“Let me guess,” she said dubiously, “another of Uncle Jon’s colorful sayings?”
“Yeah. How’d you know?”
“Never mind. Today the so called EJ arrives.”
That wiped any smiles, internal or external, off their young faces.
“When? I mean, oh no. What will we do?” asked Mirri.
“We won’t do anything. I will deal with the defiler. You will observe from behind me.”
“He’s pretty tough. We’ve seen him in action,” Slapgren responded.
“I'm pretty tough,” Cala replied. “And I don’t need to have seen him in action. He will leave quickly or I’ll be forced to do what I’d rather not and kill him.”
“You sound kind of confident,” said Mirri. “Is that … wise?”
“I am confident. You two are giving the human a lot of credit and me none. This is a lesson. I intend to teach you today what you two might achieve if you work very hard at it.”
“Okay, but maybe we need a signal, in case you need us to help you?” asked Slapgren.
“We don’t need a signal because I won’t need help. Now finish your meals and go get dressed.”
“Can I at least bring a plasma rifle?” asked Slapgren.
“Do you have a plasma rifle?” inquired Cala with as much sarcasm as an ancient brindas could muster.
“No.”
“Then you cannot bring one.”
With a funny look on his face, Slapgren wagged his head side to side in response.
Mirraya and Slapgren dressed quickly and returned together to meet out in from of Cala’s house as she’d instructed them to. They found her sitting with her tail wrapped off to one side. She was as still as a statue, arms crossed and her wings folded back tightly. Neither teen felt comfortable interrupting her. Cala seemed to be meditating. Maybe she was just trying to look imposing, which she most assuredly did.
As if on cue, EJ walked swiftly and brazenly out of the trees. He headed directly toward Cala, though he could have been moving toward the teens positioned as they were directly behind her.
Cala sat unmoving, resolutely. EJ approached her quickly. She waited. There it was, the slightest hesitation in his stride when he was twenty meters away.
“That is far enough,” she said in a booming voice. “Come no farther.”
EJ took a couple baby steps but did ease to a stop. “Or what? You think I’m afraid of you?”
“I know you are afraid of me as well as you do.” She still hadn’t moved anything but her lips.
“Think again, bitch,” he said. EJ made a show of leaning to one side and spitting voluminously to the ground. “I’ve come for my property. Stand aside and maybe I’ll let you live. I definitely need one of those wings, though. Hope you don’t mind.”
She did not respond.
“Cat got your tongue?” he taunted. “Wait, you’d have eaten any cats. You look pretty fat to me.”
Again, she offered no response.
EJ shuffled his feet nervously. “You sure are a hell of a lot uglier than Dondra-Ulcrif. You know that, mud sucker?”
“If you are done blustering like the frightened fool you are, I give you leave to go. You will receive no other warning.”
“Crap in my cap, now I’m scared. All shaky and weak-kneed. You shouldn't be so mean.” He rotated his torso to face to his rear, raised his arms, and spun back like a snake striking. “Sorpal nor fadua,” he yelled.
Dust rose riotously as the spell he’d cast raced toward Cala. She didn’t as much as flinch. The disturbance of the dust stopped abruptly two meters in front of her.
“You didn’t think that would actually work on me, did you?”
He shrugged. “No. But this just might.” He swung a plasma rifle up from behind his back and released a staggering volley.
Each round simply disappeared at the same point two meters away from Cala. It was like there was an opening to another dimension hovering in place.
“Not bad,” he scoffed. “Have you seen this little ditty?” He pulled two thermite grenades from either front pocket and hurled them in a direction over her head, toward the teens.
They both recoiled a few steps in anticipation. But again, the bombs vanished at the same two-meter barrier. No explosion was even heard when they should have detonated.
“Are we done here, defiler?” she mocked.
“Oh, we ain’t hardly started,” he said, wiping spittle off his mouth with the back of a hand. Dirt streaked across his cheek. “Why don’t you show me what you got?”
“I have. Leave and never return, and I will gift you your worthless, pitiful life.”
“Okay, your mouth’s a weapon. Stings like a bumble bee too. Ouch.” EJ rubbed his shoulder.
“Enough,” she said even louder than at first. “I will not be mocked, and you will foul the name of the mighty Deft in my presence no longer.” She unfurled her massive wings. Beating them surprisingly fast, she spread to a standing position, her feet just clear of the dirt. “If you will not leave, I will assist you.”
She elevated a little more, then swooped down on EJ like a ballistic missile. She snatched him by either shoulder with her talons and shot upward. The teens followed her flight a few moments, but lost sight of her and her prey when she folded her wings back and plummeted earthward.
“Maybe we should change into torchclefts,” said Slapgren tentatively. “That way we could see the whole lesson.”
“No, you idiot. We’re staying right here, and you know it,” snapped Mirraya.
Cala rocketed directly toward EJ’s ship, which was located half a klick from her house. As she cut the distance with breathtaking speed, the ship's hatch opened and the ramp descended. S
he released EJ into the opening and soared back majestically into the open sky. At a couple hundred kilometers per hour, EJ disappeared thought the opening, and it closed.
Cala landed directly in front of the slack-jawed teens.
“Where is he what’d you do to him?” asked Mirri in a jumbled rush.
“I invited him to depart.”
“Do you think he will?” asked Slapgren.
“Oh yes, I do. He received my message loud and clear.”
“What message?” Mirri pressed.
“The open his secured ship’s hatch, throw him in at high speed, and shut the hatch message.”
“You threw him into his ship?” marveled Slapgren.
“As unceremoniously as I could.”
“And he’ll listen and leave?” asked Mirri.
“He has already begun his ignition sequence.”
“But he’ll be back. The man’s crazy, you know?” she responded.
“No crazy person is insane enough to test me twice. He’s gone for good.”
“And if not,” Mirri challenged.
“Then I’ll eat my hat.”
“You’ll what?” asked a confused Slapgren. “I’ve never seen you with a hat.”
“I’ll find one and cook it in his melted-down juices.” There was absolutely no jest detectable in her tone.
THIRTY-NINE
I couldn’t land and exit Whoop Ass fast enough. I bothered to have GB keep us in stealth mode as we descended, but only because that didn’t slow us down. The guy’d creeped me out big time. Attracting the attention of the occupying Adamant would have been worth a shorter stay with GB. I had him put us down as near to Stingray as possible. I figured why drag this out? I’d dash across the short distance as fast as I could. Done deal and finished. What could go wrong? Right. Never ask that question in the context of my life.
The clearing where Stingray was sitting appeared empty. That was because the full membrane was still deployed. She was there all right, just next to impossible to detect. Honest to goodness, it wasn’t until then, as I looked at the spot she rested while we descended, that it hit me. How the hell was I going to let her know I was back? Ah, wow, kind of an important detail, right? I mean, a full membrane was a full membrane. Nothing in the universe could pass in or out, including me pounding on it with my fists. Sure, by protocol, Stingray would periodically micro-drop the field to ascertain what was going on around her. But how often and when the next opening occurred was an unknown to me. I flashed on radioing them to ask them to drop the membrane sooner than later before I realized that was silly of me. Duh.
I was committed to land, since Whoop Ass was halfway down, so we proceeded. She was cloaked, and we used antigrav lifters to land, so we weren’t too conspicuous. But we were also not invisible. Anyone putting forth the time and effort would detect us easily. The Adamant, I reflected, put forth all kinds of time and effort into everything they did, to a fault. They’d see us like we were shooting off fireworks. And EJ, who was almost certainly lying in wait? Yeah, he’d hear, taste, and smell us before we hit the ground.
Why did a plan that sounded so good in my head just minutes before all of a sudden become the dumbest stunt?
“Do you detect any Adamant?”
“Yes. The nearest are a few kilometers away in a small encampment,” replied my soon-to-be-spurned quasi-lover.
“Alert me if anyone heads this direction with a purpose.”
“You got it, boss.”
Oh my. GB picked this tense moment to decompensated fully. Nice.
“Any sign of EJ?”
“No, old pal. I have to confess, since this is so near the end for us, if he was, I’d probably have a hard time performing that function adequately.”
“Huh? Why?”
“He’d be stupid, pardon my French, to not have his membrane deployed.”
“Ah, no, GB. That one doesn’t have a personal membrane. Only I do.”
“You know, I believe you’re right. Imagine that.”
I chuckled mirthlessly. “Yeah. Imagine that.”
“How close can you get to Stingray?”
“Assuming she, ah, Stingray’s a she, right?”
“That does not matter, and yes. How close?”
“Assuming the dowdy old girl hasn’t moved, twenty-five meters. If she waddled from where she’s supposed to be, maybe we’ll end up on top of her. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, sailor?”
“GB, please don’t make me switch you off. I need your help landing and staying informed.”
“You still need moi? No, you’ve moved on, remember? I’m yesterday’s fish. Hell, I’m last week’s fish.”
Oh boy. Sadly, there was never a dull moment in my life.
“When we’re down, open the main hatch.”
“Sure, the faster you’re rid of me, the better. Well, at least for you. Hey, want me to open it now? You’d possibly survive a fall from this height. Maybe.”
“Gorilla Boy, maintain a profession posture until I’m gone. That’s an order.”
“Aye, Captain.”
“That’s better. ETA?”
“Captain of my heart.”
“ETA?” I was considering having him blow the hatch and taking my chances with gravity. It, at least, was predictable.
“Twenty bitter seconds.” It was too much to hope for that he’d STFU. “Alas, poor Jon. I knew him—”
“Belay that. Speak only if spoken to.”
Finally, no response. I could focus on the absolute mess I was about to willingly leap into. We hit the deck harder than we should have. I guess GB was mentally taxed, what with his overwhelming grief and all. But the hatch did open. I was clear without even a good-bye. Damn if the petty bastard didn’t lift off immediately. I think he was communicating that he was done with me. Sheesh, what a head case.
Like an idiot, I ran to the membrane surface and I started pounding on it with my fists. Imagine my surprise when absolutely nothing happened. I broke for cover.
For behind me, a voice boomed. “Not so fast, rat turd.” Hey, I knew that voice. It was me.
In a flash, I turned and fired my laser finger. I snapped up a partial membrane. EJ just stood there. The beam skidded randomly around and away from him. Crap. He had a shield, or my pseudo-magic did the trick. He started laughing like a deranged hyena, both hands resting on his hips.
He was too far away to use my probe fibers. I spun toward the nearby trees and ran for all I was worth.
“Oh no you don’t,” he howled. “Come back here.”
There was a three of four second delay, then he screamed, “Why the hell didn’t you—” He billowed in fury and hate. “That overgrown lizard gave you Risrav. I’ll flay her with my fingernails, I swear it.”
As I slipped behind some cover, quite literally all hell broke loose. Rocks, trees, small animals, everything close by was hurled at me. The force of impact tore my surroundings to shreds in an instant. Objects hit my shield but didn’t disturb it. I retreated at a sprint. The ground in front of me erupted like a dirt volcano. I dashed left. A wall of trees crashed down, blocking my way. I started to jog to the right when the dirt I stood on lifted up like a geyser.
I shot my probe fibers to a standing tree and jerked myself clear. Flopping to my belly, I wriggled into some bushes. I knelt to scan for EJ. He shot past my position full tilt. He’d lost sight of me. He crashed out of sight, knocking over a good-sized tree with an elbow.
I flew in the direction he’d come in. It led directly back to Stingray. I'd caught a break, but she was still blind.
Before I reached the clearing, EJ was on to me. Most of the debris he’d already hurled at me rose as one and dropped on me. For a second, I couldn't move. All was blackness and constraint. In all the time I’d had them, I had never tried to push anything with my fibers. Were they even capable of it? I was about to find out. I concentrated and released them. As they bounded forward, I was pushed backward fast. I shot from the heap of rubble and
slammed directly into EJ’s chest. I’m betting he was caught unaware.
We tumbled a few rotations. I ended up above him, my legs straddling his waist. I started clubbing him with both fists. He dodged most blows. A few crunched down satisfactorily. EJ bucked me off, and I crumbled to the side. We rose together, face to face.
“Lord in Heaven, I hate you,” he raged. “Will you hurry up and die, pretty please?” With that, he kicked me in the groin.
I was so glad I wasn’t wired like I used to be. I wrapped my probe fibers around his head, blocking his eyes as best I could. He swung his fists wildly, but I held him outside of arm’s reach. Just as I reached back to throw him as far as I could, a tree truck slammed into my back. Man, he was good. I was driven forward, but I held onto him.
My momentum swung him around like I was a hammer thrower and he was the hammer. At maximum velocity, I released him, and he gyrated over the treetops and out of view.
I bolted for Stingray. No real reason why. I was like a spawning salmon. Bam, I ran smack into the shield. This time I tried to shimmy up it. Bright idea. Just as nothing can penetrate the membrane, nothing can gain purchase on it—not hands, feet, nor fibers. I really wished I’d tried that before I was in a crisis. That’s what drills were all about.
EJ blindsided me like a linebacker, pinning me against the barrier. Sparks flew off where I hit the hardest. I didn’t know anything threw sparks off the membrane. Of course, I’d never hit one so hard.
“Come on, ass wipe, die already,” EJ screamed in my ear.
“Not gonna—”
We vaulted forward and hit the ground so hard I made a one-foot indentation where I struck. EJ was hurled over me and slammed head first into the shiny metal hull of Stingray. I started to push off the deck. He popped to his feet like a cat. Damn he was good. Then the rail cannon cathudded like it always did when firing. A rail ball slammed into EJ’s chest and drove him backwards like he was a cartoon character. He hit successive trees and either knocked them down or took them with him until he was fifty meters away. I cannot believe that ball didn’t cleave him in two. Hell’s bells and little fishes, he was good.
Firestorm: Galaxy On Fire, Book 3 Page 19
