Stepbrother Bastard

by Colleen Masters

“Maddie, I’ve been making sure to throw the rest of them off our trail,” he tells me, as if I’m the crazy one.

  “…What?” I ask faintly.

  “I mean, I don’t give a shit about what our families think, but I still don’t want them all over us, you know?” he says, running his hands down my arms, “Playing it like we’re not cool, taking Sophie out for a drive, it was all just the scramble the signal. You didn’t think I’d actually lost interest or whatever, did you?”

  “I…No…” I lie, badly as ever. I feel a hot blush rising to my cheeks, which only grows in intensity the longer Cash’s hazel eyes linger on my face.

  “You’re adorable when you’re bullshitting,” he grins at me, circling my slender waist with his inked arms.

  “Shut up,” I mutter, though I can’t keep my face from breaking into a smile.

  “There it is,” he murmurs, pulling me to him. Instinctively, I lace my arms around his neck. It’s crazy how familiar his body already feels against mine.

  “You couldn’t have just told me what you were up to?” I chide him gently.

  “I don’t know if you’ve figured this out yet,” he says, raising an eyebrow, “But the whole explaining myself thing isn’t really for me.”

  “You don’t say,” I laugh softly, savoring the feel of his hard body against mine. As my apprehensions fall away, my body rises with renewed want of him. I’m keenly aware of the twin bed, standing just paces away from us. What I wouldn’t give to be bent over that thing, with Cash poised over me—

  “Come on,” he says, cutting off my steamy train of thought. He takes my hand in his and tugs me toward the door, “Let’s go.”

  “G-go?” I splutter, digging my heels into the hardwood floor, “Go where?”

  “What’s the matter?” Cash grins, looking at me over his broad shoulder, “You scared of a little adventure, Porter?”

  There it is again: a challenge I can’t refuse. I have no idea what Cash has in store for us, but I can’t very well back down now.

  “Of course not,” I tell him, playing it cool, “Lead the way.”

  We pad through the enormous, slumbering home, silencing our footfalls as best we can at this early hour. I’m convinced that the loudest noise on hand is my wrecking ball of a heart, but still we make it out of the house undetected. Cash leads me out through the kitchen door, onto the dew-slicked patio. A nearly full moon hangs in the sky over the lake, lighting our path across the sprawling back lawn down toward the lake. A million stars careen overhead in a dizzying canopy, and I almost lose my footing trying to take them all in. Luckily, I have Cash’s hand to steady me.

  “This place is amazing,” I whisper, as we step out onto the darkened dock. “I can’t believe you got to grow up here.”

  “Yeah,” he allows, letting his gaze follow mine up to the heavens, “As bad as things ever got, at least I always had this.”

  “Did things get…really bad?” I ask tentatively, as Cash draws me along the planks.

  He doesn’t answer me for a long moment. I can sense that we’ve reached the threshold of what most people know about him. What he ever dares to confide in another person. I can feel the massive effort it takes for him to continue, see it in his very bearing.

  “They did,” he finally says, drawing to a stop before me. “I’d feel fucking stupid complaining about it, with what happened to your family—”

  “Don’t,” I tell him, resting my hands on his tapered waist, “There are different kinds of bad. I know that.”

  Cash draws a deep breath, bracing himself. “Well. We sort of lost our mom, too. Only, not to any freak accident or illness or whatever. Just…because that’s what she decided she wanted. She bailed on us when we were kids. Didn’t dig the whole ‘cabin in the woods’ vibe my dad set up. Wanted more things. More money. Joke was on her, though—Dad’s business took off right after she hit the road. He built this place, let the three of us run wild all over it, just us guys…”

  I hold my tongue as he goes on. Suddenly, the Hawthorne boys’ aversion to female company is starting to make sense.

  “She’s living on the East Coast now. Boston. Married some real slick lawyer type and popped out another couple kids with him. Girls, like she always wanted. They’re teenagers, by now. And hopefully giving her all kinds of hell.”

  “I grew up in a family with three girls who were all teenagers at the same time,” I remind him, “Trust me, your mom had her hands full.”

  “Shit, listen to me…” Cash mutters, laughing roughly, “Spilling my guts like—”

  “I want to know these things about you, Cash,” I assure him, circling his waist, “If you’ll let me listen…you can spill your guts all night.”

  “Fine,” he says, with a crooked grin, “But I’m not doing it on dry land.”

  “What…?” I ask, as he tugs me toward the edge of the dock.

  Bobbing on the water is a long wooden canoe, with benches for two. The boys must have moved it down to the water with the kayaks this afternoon. And from the look on Cash’s face, I imagine this is what he had in mind all the while.

  My handsome companion hops down into the sleek vessel, offering up his hand to help me in. I’m far more nervous than I have any cause to be. Is it the glassy black waters of the lake that has my heart racing? Or the depth of what Cash is revealing to me about himself? Or simply the fact of being close to him, out there where no one is bound to stumble upon us…

  “You coming or what?” Cash asks me, his bright smile shining in the blackness of the early morning.

  “You’re damn right I am,” I breathe, grabbing hold of his firm, strong hand and stepping down into the canoe.

  Chapter Eight

  The vessel parts the water’s surface like silk as we coast along in the moonlight. Cash’s powerful arms work the oars, propelling us easily toward our destination—whatever that might be. The exertion distracts him, gives him an outlet as he tells me more about the life that’s led him to this moment.

  “Dad wanted me to go to college more than anything,” he says, pulling the heavy wooden oars along another arc, “His plan was for me to take over the contracting business, as the oldest son and all. But I could never picture myself wasting four years of my life that way. I thought, it was easy for him to want that for me—he’d never been through it himself. There was no way I was going to do what he wanted, but I don’t think either of us could have known how far I’d blow by the mark…”

  “By joining the army instead?” I ask gently.

  “Exactly,” Cash goes on, “It was the last thing Dad wanted for me. He already felt he’d lost part of his family when Mom left. He thought it was my responsibility to stay and oversee things. But when I looked at the state of the world, then…Everything that had happened to our country, in the Middle East, far beyond our little lakeside bubble…I knew I couldn’t just plant my feet and stay here. I needed to see what could be done. What I could do. Guess I thought I was real hot shit when I was eighteen, imagining I could go off and save the world.”

  “Were you…Did you…” I stammer, unsure of how to proceed.

  “You want to know about my time in the Army?” Cash asks, “There’s not a whole lot to tell, to be honest.”

  “Somehow, I find that hard to believe,” I reply.

  He gives a wry laugh. “I just mean, I wasn’t there for long. Truth be told, I’d barely seen combat when I was discharged.”

  “Were you injured?”

  “That I was,” he says, his eyes hardening, “But not like you might imagine.”

  “You don’t have to tell me,” I say softly, resting a hand on Cash’s knee, “But you can. If you like…”

  For the first time since setting out, he brings his muscled arms to a stop. The constant, lulling sound of the oar stokes dies away as we coast along the clear lake in silence. In this moment, it feels like we’re the only two people in the world, that nothing this remarkable has ever happened to anyone before. I take in
the sight of Cash, his profile cutting a sharp line against the backdrop of the lake, and know that I’ll remember this moment for as long as I live, whatever becomes of us now.

  “I was injured,” he says slowly, his eyes cast off across the lake, “But not in combat with the enemy. In a fight that broke out in our quarters. A fight I started to…because I…”

  He speaks through gritted teeth, fighting for every word he manages to spit out. I get the feeling he’s never talked to anyone about this—at least not in a very long time.

  “What was the fight about, Cash?” I ask quietly, my near-whisper carrying out across the still lake.

  Cash draws a deep breath into his lungs and levels those intense hazel eyes on me.

  “There was this guy in my unit. An asshole jock type named Rick. He was one of those guys who ruled his hometown, a real golden boy prick. Thought he was entitled to anything he wanted ‘cause no one had been able to take him down before.

  “Rick and I were stationed in Iraq together. Us and a handful of other young new recruits. There was one guy in particular who seemed younger than all the rest of us—Drew. Really quiet, great with computers, played the guitar. He reminded me a lot of Finn…This was back when Finn was still fourteen, before he shot up like a damn weed.

  “Anyway, we all got our asses handed to us the first couple months in Iraq. Training is one thing, but nothing can prepare you for being over there. You’re always on guard. One false move and you’re done. And it’s not just the stress of constant danger, it’s fucking lonely. Not to mention that with a bunch of young guys spending every waking moment together, there’s gonna be some fucked up power plays and shit going on. Rick was the worst with that. Always trying to one-up the rest of us, prove that he was invincible…”

  “Is that how your fight started?” I ask Cash, “Some sort of power struggle with this guy?”

  “I wish that was it,” Cash says, shaking his head. For the first time since I’ve known him, I hear sadness color his voice. Regret.

  “Then…what?” I press.

  “I told you that Rick was a guy who went after whatever he wanted,” Cash says, tearing his eyes away from mine. “I could look the other way as long as what he wanted was the best bunk, or the most high-profile mission, or even first dibs on grub. But a couple months into our tour…he decided that what he wanted was a little human contact. And since our base wasn’t exactly crawling with ladies…he decided he wanted it from the one person on hand who couldn’t fight back. He decided to go after Drew.”

  My stomach turns over as I come to understand Cash’s meaning.

  “Holy shit,” I whisper, feeling the color drain from my face.

  “Yeah, holy shit,” Cash growls, remembering. “People are only just starting to realize how many women get assaulted while serving. But the men? It happens to more of them than you’d ever believe, and they’re even less likely to talk about it. I had no idea going into the Army that this kind of thing could happen. I was so fucking naive. It happens all the goddamn time. It happened…on my watch.

  “I picked up on Rick’s motives early on, the way he’d tear Drew down around the rest of us, try and make him feel powerless. I started keeping an eye on Drew on the sly—we were nearly the same age, but he still felt like a kid brother to me. I had to let him out of my sight for a few hours one night while I was on patrol, but the second I got back I knew something was up. Rick and Drew were nowhere to be seen, and the rest of the guys were barely speaking. Everyone knew what was going on, but no one was going to stop it. Maybe they thought—hey, better him than me.

  “I found the two of them in one of the deserted bunks. Rick had Drew cornered, pinned up against the wall, and…I don’t want to upset you with a play-by-play. I’ll never forget that moment. It wasn’t just feeling terrible for Drew, it was knowing that we’d all failed to protect him—I’d failed.”

  “It sounds like you were the only one who didn’t fail him, Cash,” I say, tears pricking my eyes at the thought of Drew. Of all the other guys who suffer this same torment in silence. “And it shouldn’t have fallen to you, to save him.”

  “But it did. I completely blacked out,” Cash goes on, “The next thing I remember, I’m pounding the shit out of Rick while the rest of the guys try to pull me off. I did a fucking number on him, but I didn’t come out totally unscathed. Couple broken ribs. Fucker even pulled his knife on me—he’d already been using it to keep Drew quiet…Long story short, we were both discharged. Dishonorably discharged.”

  “But…but that’s such bullshit,” I seethe, “You deserve a medal for what you did, not—”

  “I don’t, is the thing,” Cash cuts me off, “What I did for Drew was basic human decency. That’s it.”

  “You don’t have to downplay it,” I tell him, studying his stony face, his pained eyes.

  “To tell you the truth, Maddie…” Cash goes on, reaching for my hand, “That’s all I’ve ever been able to do. When I got kicked out of the Army, all I told people was that I’d gotten in a fight. I couldn’t tell them about why the fight had really started—Drew had already been through enough without my using the worst moment of his life to get people off my case.”

  “You mean…no one knows the truth?” I ask, astounded.

  “No one but you,” he says, rubbing his thumb against my hand. “And a couple of Army shrinks, but—”

  “Not your brothers?” I press, “Not even your dad?”

  “No,” he murmurs, closing his fingers tightly around mine, “Especially not my dad. If I’d told him why I’d gotten in that fight, he would have just told me that I should’ve minded my own business. Kept in line. He’d never understand. He’s never understood anything about protecting your own. But you, Porter…Something tells me that you’re the only person who could ever understand this. About me.”

  “I do, Cash,” I whisper, staring deeply into his troubled eyes, “Truly, I do.”

  “Then I hope you also understand,” he says, his voice rasping, “That when I care about someone, I’d do fucking anything for them. No matter what the risks. No matter what the consequences. Nothing can stop me from doing right by the people I care for. The person I care for. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?”

  “I think I do,” I whisper back, my heart threatening to burst straight through my ribcage.

  “Think?” Cash growls, “I need you to know…”

  I gasp as Cash wraps his arms around me, scooping me up as if I weighed nothing. He pulls me into his lap as I clasp my hands behind his neck. Brushing the dark blonde hair out of my face, Cash pulls me flush against him, bringing his mouth to mine. I open to him at once, trembling at the passion, the ferocity rippling beneath his muscled surface. Cash works my mouth open wide, letting his tongue sweep powerfully against mine. I swing my legs around, hooking my ankles behind his back and straddling him right there on the canoe bench.

  A low growl vibrates from him core as I grind my hips against his already-stiff cock. Cash grabs hold of my ass with both hands, squeezing hard. He pulls me even tighter to that irresistible length, pressing hard in the exact place I need to feel him… All of him.

  “I love how much you want me,” Cash growls, running his hands up along my back.

  “Looks like I’m not the only one,” I breathe, pressing back against his rigid manhood, “Or should I say, feels like…”

  “Believe it or not,” Cash laughs roughly, drawing back to take me in, “Fucking you dirty in this boat was not my plan.”

  “I don’t believe you,” I tease, raking my fingers down his chest.

  “If you can wait just a little while longer,” he says, “I’ll show you what I actually had in mind for us.”

  “You expect me to wait?!” I laugh incredulously, “What kind of cruel and unusual—”

  “I promise it’ll be worth it,” he smiles, circling his strong hands around my waist.

  “You and your promises…” I murmur, wanting nothing more than
to feel him now.

  “I always make good on them in the end, don’t I?” he challenges me. “Come on. Be a good little girl and keep your hands to yourself for just—”

  “Call me ‘little girl’ again and I’m swimming back to shore,” I warn him, picking myself up off his lap and making a big show of folding my hands in my lap. It’s a bluff, of course. There’s no way I could tear myself away from him now. I try to ignore the throbbing need that rings out just beneath them, pounding insistently between my legs.

  “Duly noted,” Cash grins, grabbing hold of the oars once more.

  In a silence pulsing with desperate need, we soar across the lake. I barely notice as the sky loses its inky black sheen, giving way to a rich charcoal, then a heather gray. The sun must be about to rise. I can’t think of a better way to greet a new day than this, all alone at the edge of the world with the man I… The man I what? Want, certainly. Need, perhaps. But what else?

  Do I even dare put a word to how I feel for him?

  “Here,” Cash says, his voice a low rasp.

  I look past the bow of the canoe and spot a small stretch of shoreline. It’s entirely hidden from sight, this spot—obscured by overhanging trees and deep woods on all sides. The narrow beach looks unreachable, remote, and entirely private. A kick drum of anticipation starts up in my core as we glide toward the shore. In one masterful motion, Cash swings his legs into the shallow water, towing us the rest of the way. My knees are trembling by the time we’ve reached the shore. I’m sure that the very edges of my form must be vibrating with barely contained desire.

  From under his seat, Cash produces a thick gray blanket, tightly rolled. Tucking it under his arm, he extends his hand to me. I lace my fingers through his, pulling myself to standing. At once, Cash feels my shakiness, and stops to steady me.

  “Are you OK?” he asks, training his gaze on me.

  “Of course,” I smile gamely, willing myself to calm down.

  “You’re shaking like a leaf,” he murmurs, concerned.

  “It’s nothing,” I tell him, laying my hands on his firm chest, “Just…a little overwhelmed, I guess.”