“You told her?” she asked, her voice just above a whisper.
“No, I didn’t have to.”
I opened the door to my apartment and as we entered, I pulled her close to me again.
“There’s so much I need to say,” I said. “So many things I should have said then, but I didn’t.”
“Like what?”
“Like I love you,” I said.
“I love you too, but I don’t understand. You seem so certain and happy to see me. I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect when I came here.”
I looked into her eyes and saw the same golden flecks I remembered from the day we met. I felt like no time had past, like the past six years didn’t exist.
We sat on the couch and I took her hand. She deserved an explanation for why I left. A better one than I was able to give her six years ago.
“If the tables were turned and I had to confess to you, I would tell you that not a day has gone by where you weren’t on my mind,” I said. “I thought the memories would fade. I thought my damnable thoughts were torture, but I was wrong. Hell has to be a better option than spending the rest of my life unable to be with you.”
“Then why didn’t you look for me?”
“I did. I even reached out to Ramon, but he didn’t know how to contact you since you left Doctors Without Borders. My leaving Peru was a mistake. I thought I would come back here and everything would fall back into place. Just like I told you to forget, I thought I could forget too. But I couldn’t.”
She nodded, but didn’t speak. I wanted her to say something to let me know how she felt or that she understood.
“I was an idiot, Ava,” I said. “An absolute idiot. And I hope that you can forgive me. I realized years ago what a mistake I made and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for that.”
I searched her eyes for an answer to her silence, but she looked down and her eyes followed the length of my stole. I had forgotten I was still dressed for confession.
“If you felt that way then why didn’t you leave? Why didn’t you try harder to find me?”
“I didn’t know how to find you.”
“But you’re still a priest.”
“Because if I couldn’t be with you, then I was going to continue my service to the Church. This isn’t about me wanting to screw around, this is about my wanting to be with you.”
“I didn’t know,” she said. “I hoped that’s how you felt, but I really wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what to expect when I came out here. I half expected you to tell me to fuck off and you still might, I don’t know.”
“Where are you living now?”
“Southern California,” she said as she looked at her watch. “I’ve been there about six years now. I stayed in Amaru for about a month after you left and after that I decided I was done. I was sick and I needed to go somewhere that everywhere I turned wouldn’t remind me of you.”
“So you chose a state three thousand miles away.”
“It made sense at the time,” she said with a shrug.
“What have you been doing out there? I’m surprised you weren’t still traveling.”
“I decided it was time to put down some roots. I went into private practice, bought a house, and I’ve been domesticated ever since.”
Even though she was smiling, I couldn’t help but think she wasn’t telling me everything. She kept looking away from me. Her mind was clearly somewhere else.
“Are you going somewhere?” I asked.
“I need to get back to the hotel,” she said as she stood. “I’d really like it if you came with me. There’s someone I’d like you to meet.”
“You came with someone?”
How could I think she was still single? Of course there was someone else. My stomach felt sick at the thought of it.
“I brought my son,” she said. “I’d really like you to meet him.”
I was too stunned to respond so I nodded my head. I removed my stole and left for the bedroom to change into a pair of jeans.
She has a son? Dozens of questions filled my mind, but I didn’t ask them. I was painfully aware that I had no claim on her, despite believing she was mine.
We left the apartment and took her rental to her hotel. Ava’s hands trembled as she gripped the wheel. She made chit chat, but I didn’t know what she was saying. My mind was focused on meeting another man’s child. I couldn’t even bring myself to ask her if she was married. I was afraid to hear her say yes.
As we rode the elevator she began to talk about her son.
“His name is Christopher, you know, like the saint,” she said nervously.
“Yes, I remember. Do you still wear his medallion?”
She pulled out her necklace and showed it to me. Next to it was a dark red stone. She let the necklace drop back into her shirt and pointed ahead to a room.
“It’s right up here,” she said.
“How old is he?”
“Almost five and a half. He’s really smart too. You’ll see.”
As the door unlocked, I heard the voice of an excited child followed by a half hearted scold. A shaggy haired boy greeted Ava at the door and threw his arms around her as she kneeled down to his level.
Christopher was the spitting image of Ava. She whispered something to him and then turned to face me.
“Christopher, this is an old friend of mine Charles,” she said.
He looked at his mother and then shyly towards me. Slowly his eyes looked up at me and I saw the same shade of blue as mine. I was stunned, but instantly felt love for him. I never considered having children before and as I stared at him in amazement I wondered why. He smiled slowly as I lowered myself to his level.
“We have the same name,” he said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“You’re Charles and I’m Christopher Charles,” he said as he grinned.
“Well I think those are both wonderful names,” I said, smiling.
Christopher skipped towards the nanny who held a sweatshirt in her hand.
“We’re going to the park,” he said. “Do you want to come too?”
“No, sweetie,” Ava said. “I’m going to catch up with my friend Charlie. You have fun with Miss Sabrina.”
“Okay, bye!”
My heart sank a bit as he got ready to leave. I wanted to spend more time with him and get to know him better. But more importantly, I needed to know why she took so long to tell me. Christopher waved as he and the nanny walked out and I turned towards Ava.
“When were you going to tell me I have a son?”
~ Thirteen ~
Ava
Watching my son and his father meet was something I never thought I would see. Even as we flew out to see Charlie, while I hoped for the best, I never thought he would even consider leaving the Church. Everything he had said about looking for me and missing me was like a dream come true.
As Christopher and Sabrina left the hotel suite, Charlie spun on his knee to face me.
“When were you going to tell me I have a son?” he asked.
Everything with Charlie felt exactly like it was during our time in Peru. Including my not being able to always read him. Was he mad? Happy? Ambivalent? All I knew for certain was that he was surprised.
“I thought it was better if you met him first,” I said. “He’s been asking more questions lately and one of them is why he doesn’t have a daddy like the rest of the kids. It breaks my heart.”
He stood up and hugged me. I closed my eyes as I listened to his steady heartbeat. I was glad he couldn’t hear mine racing. It was hard enough to act normal when it felt like the whole room could hear your heart pounding.
“You shouldn’t have had to go through everything alone,” he said softly.
“I did what I had to and honestly I don’t have any complaints. I’m a doctor and I didn’t realize what my own symptoms were while I was still in Amaru. But once I got back to the States and I realized I was pregnant, my entire life c
hanged. I wanted to give him the stability I never had as a kid and I just want him to be happy. He’s my entire world and I would do anything for him.”
What have you told him?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said with a shrug. “What can I say? Your father is a Father? How do I explain that? When he brings it up I’m pretty good at changing the subject, but the older he gets the more he realizes what I’m doing.”
“He’s five,” he said. “I’ve missed so much already. Why did you take so long to find me?”
“I almost called you when I first found out I was pregnant, but you made your choice. You left Amaru to come back here and remain a priest. What difference would it make that you had a child? Just as I didn’t want to be your second choice, I didn’t want him to be that either.”
“It would have changed everything. I would have left for him without looking back, just as I would have left for you.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying. It made me angry to hear that he would have left for me because I still remembered his confusion and agony over his decision when he left. He needed to leave. He needed to make up his own mind without me there to cloud his judgement. He needed to stop thinking our love was a sin.
“You said what we had was a sin, do you think I wanted that kind of bullshit around my son? Our son?”
“Stop it,” he said gruffly as he cupped my face. “Listen to me. Our child was born from love. Yes, I thought how I felt about you was a sin because I was a priest and I still am a priest. But while it’s a sin for me to want you, it’s been hell being without you.” He lowered his head to mine. “I was wrong all those years ago. And I was wrong to not look harder for you. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you.
“I’ve spent every day thinking about you,” he continued, “wishing you would have stopped me from going. But you were right not to. You were always much smarter than me. I put myself into this hell and now I want out. I want to be with you, Ava. And I want to help raise Christopher as my own.”
I couldn’t look at him so I flicked my eyes down to the floor. I was torn between wanting him to change his life immediately and my practical side which said all of this was crazy.
“We can’t move this fast,” I said. “It’s not just about us anymore, I need to think about Christopher too.”
“I will do whatever you want. I’ll quit right now. I’ll move to wherever you want me to.”
“No, I need time to think. You have family here, maybe Christopher and I should move here. I don’t know. Everything is moving so fast. I never thought this would happen.”
He kissed my lips softly at first and then a little harder. I wrapped my arms around him and finally met his pale blue gaze. They were the same eyes I had been seeing for all these years even when Charlie and I were far apart. And I loved Charlie even more for them.
“You’d really move out here?” he asked.
“Well I did have that coffee cake at Evelyn’s, that alone sold me on the place.”
He laughed then his hands slowly traveled down my back before he rested them on my butt.
“You know, since I first saw you in the confessional, I’ve been thinking about something. How about we go make another baby?” he said as he kissed me.
“No, no more babies. I’m on the pill.”
“You were on it before and you still got pregnant. God works in mysterious ways you know. I say we try again.”
He squeezed my ass and I giggled and slapped him away.
“Stop it,” I said. “And don't bring God into this. I prefer to think that everything simply happens for a reason. Besides, Christopher and Sabrina are going to be back soon.”
“It’s been six years, I can be quick,” he said with a smirk.
He picked me up and carried me over his shoulder into the bedroom. I grabbed the door as we went past and swung it shut.
~ Fourteen ~
Charles
A month later Ava found her dream home in the suburbs. While I spent that month wanting to leave the Church, Ava asked me to wait until she had moved. She didn’t want to rush things, but she didn’t want to waste any more time apart either. The only thing I wanted was to be with her.
I stayed with her on the night she moved in and as I laid beside her in the dark, I knew that morning would be the beginning of my new life.
As the sun came up and streamed through the sheer curtains, it cast a dreamy haze to the room. I watched Ava as she slept deeply beside me, her chest rising and falling steadily.
I couldn’t help but watch her sleep. Her face had an innocence I could only describe as angelic. It was a far cry from the colorful language that sometimes came from her delicious pout.
She rolled onto her back and her dark hair cascaded around her shoulders and covered her breasts. Cautiously, I pushed her hair aside and gently kissed her nipples. She smiled, but kept her eyes closed.
“Trying to wake me or hoping I wouldn’t wake?” she asked.
I circled my fingertips around one of her nipples and watched it harden.
“I hadn’t really thought about it,” I said. “I just couldn’t resist.”
As I brushed my lips against her nipple, she arched her back slightly. I sucked the tight nub into my mouth as my hand wandered under the sheets and over her soft skin.
She sighed happily as my palm brushed over her stomach and followed the curve of her body to her thigh. As she spread her legs, I took the invitation and my fingers grazed her mound.
“You’re such a tease,” she said, spreading her legs wider.
“And you’re an evil temptress,” I said as my fingers dipped into her wetness. “A very wet temptress.”
“Oh G--“
“Don’t bring Him into this,” I said.
The deeper I went, the quicker her hips bucked up into my palm. I loved watching how her body reacted to me. She moaned softly as her fingers wrapped around my hard shaft.
“No, not now,” I said, leaving out why.
She gasped as my fingers thrusted faster into her, her hand still on my cock.
“Please?” she begged.
“I want to, my angel. You’re so wet all I want to do is feel you wrapped around my cock, but I can’t right now. Don’t ask me why.”
Her eyes met mine and I leaned forward to kiss her. As my tongue met hers, I slipped my fingers over her swollen clit. Her arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders as her body shuddered and a moan escaped her lips.
I held her for a few minutes before I noticed the time. I kissed her forehead and she nodded as if she read my mind and knew I had to go.
“How long will you be?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Today is the day. I’m going to tell Liam. He might not want to speak with me. He might just throw me out of his church. But I have to go. I need to tell him I’m done.”
She nodded, but her eyes were sad. I knelt by the bed and pulled her close.
“I know what you’re thinking,” I whispered.
“I’m worried you’ll regret this,” she said. “That one day you’ll wish you were still a priest.”
I nodded as I stood. I pulled my black clergy shirt off the chair and slipped it on.
“I’ll always be a priest,” I said. “But I’ll always love you more.”
***
As I crossed the busy city street, I moved into the shadow of the elementary school to protect myself from the sun. It was an unusually hot day even for August and I wondered if it was making up for the cool summer. Dressed in my black slacks, black clergy shirt, and clerical collar in place, the heat seared my skin through the fabric.
At the playground, children laughed and screamed as they played. I stopped in the shade to wait for a breeze and watched as the parents busied themselves with their children.
Although I wanted to go alone, Ava insisted on coming with me. She and Christopher planned to play at the park while she waited for me. As she knelt and kissed his skinned knee, then wiped her son’s te
ars from his chubby cheek, I wished I was there with them. She turned in my direction as if she felt my eyes on her and smiled, lighting up her face.
The breeze came and I continued along the sidewalk, in the shade of St. Peter’s Church with the rectory in my sights. As I climbed the grey stone steps of the small burgundy Greek Revival house that was St. Peter’s rectory, an elderly couple with their arms linked together pushed open the glass door. I took the door from them and opened it further.
“Good morning, Mr. and Mrs. Waverly,” I said as they stepped onto the porch.
“Oh hello, Father Charles,” Mrs. Waverly said as she reached her arm up to hug me. “How are your parents doing? I haven’t seen them in church lately.”
“They’re wonderful, ma’am. Thank you for asking. They’ve been attending church at my parish, Sacred Heart.”
“Oh that’s a lovely church. Did I ever tell you that’s where Walter and I got married? That was fifty years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I waited for him to come back after the war.” She looked adoringly at her husband and smiled as he nodded and grinned back at her. “Such a shame what happened to the neighborhood though.”
“They’re trying to turn things around,” I said. “We have a close-knit parish there and I really think you’d like it. You should come to mass sometime and visit.”
She reached up and patted my cheek. “You were always such a sweet boy. We’d love to attend Sacred Heart, but St. Peter’s is more convenient for us. We can walk here.”
With nothing else to say, I nodded. It was the same thing I had heard over my years at Sacred Heart. I smiled at the Waverly couple as I realized this could be my last conversation with them. Mr. Waverly rarely spoke and Mrs. Waverly was forgetful. We had the same conversation many times, but it endeared them to me.
“Be careful walking home,” I said.
Mrs. Waverly reached up to pat my cheek again. “Such a handsome boy,” she said. “Just look at those sky blue eyes. You’ll make some young lady a happy bride one day.”
Sinned: A Priest Romance Page 7
