Don't Hold Back_To Have and to Hold

by Renee Dominick

  He didn’t argue. It was a much safer position for both of them, at least until he could figure out how to throw his limitations on the table without exposing himself to more ridicule. Right now, he felt out of his league, and she was spiky enough to cut deep if he gave her an opening.

  “I’m not forbidden fruit, Rob. You don’t have to hate yourself for taking a bite.”

  That was close enough to what Natalie had said earlier to raise his hackles. “I don’t hate myself. I can think this was a bad idea without resorting to forbidden fruit analogies.”

  “Wow,” she said, drawing out the word. “You sure know how to make a girl feel good.”

  “You said yourself it was nice to know I hadn’t changed,” he bit back.

  Jenna’s mouth flattened and she climbed off the bed. “What happened between the barn and now, Rob? Why did you even let me in the door?”

  “Because you asked, but I should have stood my ground, for both our sakes.” He knew he was being a dick, but for some reason his emotions were running out of control.

  “Stood your ground.” Jenna scoffed. “Don’t worry, Rob. The virago is done forcing herself on you. Your whole yo-yo act is bullshit.”

  “You’re right,” he said, making himself look her in the eye. He was angry enough at himself for leading both of them to believe he could make the provocative choice for once. He drew a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Jenna. I fucked up.”

  She watched him in silence. He could see her trying to figure out exactly what he wasn’t saying, then she blew out an annoyed breath and bent to retrieve her shoes.

  His eyes were drawn to her tattoo, but he forced himself to look away. “Where are you going?”

  “I need to check on the door at the cabin.”

  “It hasn’t even been an hour.”

  “Pretty sure it’s been a thousand years,” she muttered.

  “Give me ten minutes, and I’ll walk you up there. If it’s still off-limits, you can have my bed. I’ll take the chaise.”

  “I don’t need an escort.”

  “I know you don’t, but it will make me feel better to know you didn’t get dragged off by a mountain lion. Please?”

  She rolled her eyes, but at least she didn’t walk out. He stalked to the bathroom, feeling like a complete ass.

  Chapter Six

  When the bathroom door clicked closed, Jenna’s legs gave out and she dropped onto the edge of the bed. Listening to the water run, and the clinks and rustlings of his movements in there was unexpectedly intimate. Imagining him wiping her off his skin was unexpectedly painful.

  As hard as she’d tried to convince herself otherwise, she was dangerously invested in Rob. So much so, she had simply ignored the question of why a man who had spent ten years avoiding her suddenly couldn’t keep his hands off her. If she really had taken advantage of his state of confusion, she was bad. Terrible. Selfish, pushy, and worse. But if it was only that she misread his mixed messages, she’d only take 50 percent of the blame.

  Not that it mattered. He’d shuttered himself again, and now they were at a significant impasse. It really was time to cut the string.

  The shower door closed with a recognizable clang, and Jenna twisted her mental monkey wrench, making another adjustment. Tears pricked behind her eyes, but for what? It wasn’t like she was losing anything that was hers to begin with. She pulled her phone from her bag and powered it up, hoping that whoever had put up the sign had sent a text to say it was safe to come back. Instead, all she found were more messages from inside the family shitstorm, including one directly to her from her brother.

  Jenna scooped up her shoes and bag, and slipped out of Rob’s room, hurrying to the lobby. She dropped into a chair in front of the fireplace and checked Stephen’s message first—a brusque, I’m fine—and then scrolled through the whole diatribe from start to finish. Her mom had forwarded message after message after message. An argument escalating into a battle and then a war. Stephen calling Mom a “shitty-ass parent,” their mom, as usual, taking the lowest, most disgusting low road, saying she could have given Stephen up for adoption.

  None of it was new. The unusual part was the string of unanswered texts from their mom to Stephen, the increasingly frantic ones to Jenna, and the ones to and from Stephen’s friends her mother had grouped Jenna in on. No one admitted to having seen him.

  For all the domestic insanity at the McCaffrey household, Stephen usually succumbed to a bout of guilt somewhere along the way. Not so, this time, and he hadn’t appealed to Jenna, either. That part was somewhat alarming, but she reminded herself Stephen knew she was on a three-day vacation. Even at his worst, he had a thousand times more empathy and understanding than their mom. He might have left Jenna out of it on purpose, but this silence didn’t feel right.

  She dialed her mom’s number and headed to the cabin.

  “Where the hell have you been?” her mom answered.

  Jenna inhaled and held her breath to a count of three. Her mom was worried, she reminded herself. “I’m away for the weekend, Mom. What’s going on?”

  “Your brother shoved a bunch of shit in his backpack and left. Got in some beat-up car I’ve never seen and roared away.”

  “Okay,” Jenna said, reaching for patience. “He sometimes stays with friends. Why are you so wound up about this?” Besides the fact that for once in her life, Jenna had extricated herself from the chaos, and her mom couldn’t handle it.

  “Because George got on his bike and followed them.”

  Oh. George. Her mom’s shitty-ass, motorcycle-tavern pickup. Their dad had supposedly been some financial big shot, but after he absconded, her mom stuck to men who didn’t promise anything. One after another after another.

  “They got on I-90. He followed them all the way past North Bend. They headed over the pass.”

  Jenna stopped on the path, close enough to the cabin door to see the sign was still dangling there. Dammit. She sat down on one of the chairs arrayed under the trees.

  “He probably went to The Gorge.” Stephen and his friends scrounged every penny they could to spend on concerts and shows, and The Gorge Amphitheater was in the middle of nowhere with unreliable cell service all around. “Is there a show this weekend?”

  “How the fuck would I know?”

  “There’s the internet, Mom. Information, just a Google search away.”

  “Don’t be a smart-ass. Something’s wrong. I know it in my bones.”

  Jenna slumped over, her head propped in her hand. As crappy a mom as she was in general, she still managed to dredge up the maternal protective dragon on occasion. “What do you want me to do? I’m in Idaho.”

  “For one thing, you could try to get him to answer you,” her mom snapped.

  “I will, Mom. What else? Besides that.”

  “How the hell do I know? Do what you usually do.”

  God, when had Jenna become the parent in this crowd?

  The day after her dad left, that’s when. She probably should have made Stephen move out with her when she left for college, but she figured having the stability of the friends he grew up with—like Jenna had with the Lindgrens—was better for him than living one step above homeless while she went to college.

  “Let me try to get him to answer.”

  “Keep me in the loop,” her mom said, her voice hoarse and muffled. Like she was already in bed, depending on Jenna to do the work.

  Well, Jenna was out of goodwill and patience. “My ringer is off so don’t hound me. And leave the Lindgrens alone!”

  “Then turn it on—”

  Jenna disconnected when her mom started yelling,

  Her mother. All take, no give, a trait Jenna hoped like hell she hadn’t inherited, but tonight, she wondered. She hadn’t exactly been mindful of Rob’s stop signs, had she?

  She sat there, her phone pressed between her palms, weariness overtaking her. Where the fuck was she going to wait now? She sure as hell wasn’t going back to Rob’s room.

&
nbsp; She returned to the lobby, shot Stephen a text to call her ASAP, and curled up on the leather sofa. She cradled her phone against her chest. If he didn’t reply in fifteen minutes, she’d try again. She settled in to wait, breathing deeply and letting go of the turmoil her mother had stirred up. Her brother would text her back. He would.

  “Steph—!” Jenna sucked in a gasp and her eyes flew open, her heart racing.

  “Miss?” A woman was bent over her. “Are you all right? Are you locked out of your room?”

  Jenna struggled upright, stuck in the disorientation of a sudden wake-up from insta-sleep. “No, yes, I’m fine. I’m—I’m sorry, I was waiting for a phone call.” She sat up and checked the clock on her phone, giving her head a little shake to clear the fog. It had been twenty-five minutes, and there was still no reply from her brother. “I have a minor family emergency, but I don’t want to keep my cabin-mates awake.”

  “Don’t get up. You’re more than welcome to rest here. I can get you a blanket, if you’d like.”

  “Oh, wow, that would be nice, even though I probably shouldn’t get too comfortable.” Jenna squinted at the woman’s name tag. Becky.

  “Well, hopefully you’ll only need it for a bit. Be right back.”

  Becky walked away, all brisk efficiency, and Jenna silently thanked the owner for having such a great staff. She texted Stephen again, then stared at the phone, willing him to reply.

  When Becky returned, she had a pillow and a comforter that belonged on a bed rather than the small throw Jenna expected. “I know what it’s like waiting for family news.”

  “Thank you,” Jenna said, so grateful she could weep.

  “Let me know if you need anything. I’m right there,” she said, pointing to the desk.

  Jenna managed a crooked smile and a nod, then she dialed Stephen’s number. It rang six times before it rolled over to voicemail, which meant the phone was on. He just wasn’t picking up.

  Her brother’s bored-teen voice invited her to leave a message or whatever.

  “Stephen, you’re freaking everybody out. At least text me to let me know everything’s cool. I won’t ask where you are. Promise.” She hung up, a feeling like dread curling through her. Her mom had said something felt off, and Jenna wasn’t sure she was wrong.

  After sending a text saying, no word, yet, Jenna notched the ringer up to make sure it would wake her and pulled the comforter up to her chin. She couldn’t do much more at this point, and staying awake all night wouldn’t help, especially if she’d have to fly home on short notice.

  She slipped her hands under the pillow and dozed off, and when her eyes flew open next, the phone was ringing under her cheek. She fumbled to answer it, breathless and instantly awake. “Hello?”

  “Miss McCaffrey?” an unfamiliar voice said. “This is Trooper Bonner.”

  Adrenaline dumped into Jenna’s blood so fast, she thought she was going to pass out. “Is my brother all right?”

  “Yes, he’s fine. Sorry to call you so late, ma’am. Stephen is in custody here in Ephrata.”

  “Custody?” Jenna almost shouted.

  “He wanted to talk to you. Can I put him on?”

  “Yes, of course.” She waited for what felt like an eternity, her heart pounding, nausea rising, stinging the base of her throat.

  “Jenna?”

  “God, Stephen, what is going on?” Jenna sat up and tucked the comforter around her like a pod.

  “These guys I’m with had a warrant. Then the cop found weed in the trunk, so they took us all to the station. I couldn’t answer my phone.”

  “What the hell? What are you doing in eastern Washington with guys who have arrest warrants, Stephen?”

  “We were supposed to go waterskiing at Vantage, but then one of them wanted to come up here for something. He knows someone or something,” he mumbled.

  “That is sketchy as hell. Jesus! Are you under arrest?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so? I don’t know.” He sounded scared. Good. He should be. “They’re checking my stuff and the car…and…stuff.”

  She could barely hear him. “What really happened, Stephen.”

  “I think they were picking up pills and stuff to take back,” he whispered. “I didn’t know, Jenna. Seriously. I don’t know these dudes.”

  Jenna felt like she had a Sumo wrestler sitting on her chest. “You. Idiot. Let me talk to the trooper.”

  “Are you going to pick me up?” God, he sounded like a little kid again, just like that time he called her after her mother had forgotten to pick him up after soccer practice.

  “I’m in Idaho, Stephen. For Chloe’s bridal party weekend. Remember?”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Jenna’s head hit the back of the couch. “Yes. I’ll pick you up. Of course. Give the phone to the trooper,” she said gently. When the cop got back on the line, Jenna asked, “Can you tell me what happened?”

  “I don’t think he’s caught up in this,” Bonner said. “But he has to stay until tomorrow when there’s a judge awake in Wenatchee, in case we have to charge.”

  “Crap,” Jenna said, imagining her little brother—well, he was bigger than her, but still—in prison. Not that tiny Ephrata likely had much more than a one-cell jail.

  “He’s a good kid,” the officer said. “These other two are kind of hard cases, but Stephen’s been cooperative and respectful, which is why I wanted to call and let him talk to you.”

  Jenna’s eyes filled with tears. “Thank you. Can I pick him up tomorrow, then?”

  “I’m sure that will be fine.” Once they worked out the details and hung up, she looked at her clock. Three thirty in the morning.

  “Everything okay?” Becky asked.

  “Yeah,” Jenna said, struggling to her feet. “Just my little brother being a dumbass.” After the warmth of the comforter, the chill of almost-morning made her shiver. Her brain taunted her with a picture of herself still in bed with Rob, warm and cozy and…no. Just, no.

  “Don’t worry about folding that,” Becky said, as Jenna fumbled around, trying to locate the corners to match. “I’m not exactly overwhelmed with work here.”

  Jenna looked up, weary but grateful. “I need to rent a car tomorrow. Is there a place in Sandpoint?”

  “Yes, there is. We can help you arrange something in the morning.”

  “Perfect,” Jenna said. Her head felt thick with exhaustion. She was going to take a chunk out of Stephen’s hide for this stunt. “Night, Becky. Thank you so much.”

  Jenna didn’t care if the sign was up or down, she was walking into that cabin, regardless. She needed at least a couple hours of sleep if she was going to be able to drive the eight hours to Ephrata and home tomorrow. She texted her mom that Stephen was fine, muted the phone, and set an alarm for 7:30. She had no idea what time judges woke up on Saturdays, but she wasn’t going to risk missing the call.

  When she saw the sign was gone, her knees almost buckled in relief. Jenna edged inside, stripped out of her dress as she walked, and didn’t bother to hunt for her pajamas in the pitch-black cabin. She slipped into the bottom bunk and fell into a deep, dark sleep.

  Chapter Seven

  Sunlight insinuated itself past the edge of the curtain, waking Jenna at six in the fricken’ morning. Her eyes snapped open, and her brain started cranking like a rusty steam train. One chug, two, and then it was off and roaring, whistle blaring—Rob, Stephen, her life, and all its assorted woes and bullshit. The only thing she could find to be grateful for at the moment was that she hadn’t had much to drink the night before.

  She moved quietly as she struggled out of bed, pulled on a pair of sweatpants, a T-shirt, and a cozy sweater she’d luckily thought to throw in her suitcase at the last minute. She made sure she had the room key in her pocket, scooped up her phone and flip-flops, and left as quietly as she’d come in, three hours ago.

  The air outside was cool and dim, as the ranch still sat in the early morning shadow of the hill
s to the east. Jenna stopped by the lodge for a cup of warm coffee. Normally she drank tea, but it was going to require a much stronger jolt of caffeine to make it through this day. She cradled the cup and strolled down to the dock to sit in the sun at the very end, her feet dangling over water still as glass.

  What little rest she’d gotten had at least allowed her brain to organize last night’s family chaos. The key takeaway: Jenna would be leaving Chloe’s party to go to Ephrata and rescue her brother. If she had a car, she’d have gone already. Telling Chloe was going to be a bummer, but no one knew more about Jenna’s difficult family than her best friend. Even if Chloe was disappointed, she would understand. Jenna just had to wait for a reasonable hour to knock on her door, then for the car rental place to open. After that, she’d hit the road.

  She also had to call her mom. Jenna had no intention of telling her Stephen had been swept up by the police, certainly not if he was going to be let go. Their mom would use it against him forever. If he wanted to confess, it was up to him. Jenna wasn’t about to enable her mother’s abuse.

  She refused to think about Rob. That whole thing needed a much clearer head to sort out. Her heart was sore, but she couldn’t convince herself she had any right to it. Mostly what she felt now was anger—at herself, at her brother, and yeah, at Rob, too.

  At seven thirty, she dialed her mom’s number. She was slow to pick up, and when she did, her voice was slurred. “’Lo?”

  “It’s me.”

  “God, what time is it?”

  “It’s early. I thought you’d like to know what I found out.”

  “You texted. ’S good enough.”

  “Ohh-kay.” Jenna closed her eyes and snorted a quiet, bitter laugh. “He’ll be home Sunday.” He would stay with her until then, but she wasn’t telling her mom that either.

  Jenna had managed to hold off serious adulthood, but now it came at her like a runaway semitruck. It was time to grow the fuck up, and that burning feeling in her chest when she thought about Rob? Fleeting disappointment. A crush. Lust. It was nothing to build on. Rob demanded stability, not chaos. Love, not lust. And that’s where it all fell apart. She just wasn’t sure she was capable of the kind of relationship he or anyone else would consider normal.