Shades of Trust

by Cristiane Serruya

  After all, she had fallen in love with a man who didn’t exist. Because, in the end, he didn’t love her or see her as Barbara, and she couldn’t possibly love his feigned personality of pretending to accept her as a substitute for Sophia. That’s all she would be. A mere substitute.

  They were living with impostors of themselves, trying to emulate the relationship he’d had with Sophia. And although he had begun to warm and open up to Barbara, he didn’t love her. That she was considering getting pregnant without him knowing, to keep him by her side, was a betrayal Ethan couldn’t possibly abide.

  Picking up his overcoat, he ordered with finality, “I’m leaving for the meeting and don’t want to find her here when I return. Dismiss her and pay her a year’s salary. She can take all the clothes and jewelry I gave her. Buy her somewhere to live close to her mother. A two bedroom apartment, or give her the money. I don’t care, but dismiss her. Today.”

  Scott knew better than to try to reason with his boss. When Ethan decided something, he was unmovable. But still he had to be certain. “Sir? Are you sure?”

  When he opened his mouth to answer, Barbara’s voice invaded the room.

  “Ethan?”

  Barbara knew something was wrong as soon as she stepped into the office. A sepulchral silence descended over the room and engulfed her in a tsunami of fear.

  A rictus of repulsion twisted Ethan’s lips. She is your problem, not Scott’s. Face it, Ashford.

  With a trembling smile, Barbara said, “Good—”

  “You’re dismissed,” he interrupted her, in an even voice, his gaze never moving from her face. “Scott will walk you out and within the week all your things will be delivered to you. I know you will be grateful for all I have done for you. And I trust that you will stay away from me.” Ethan flexed his hand as if to reinforce his words, his hatred for the coward she had turned into was greater than anything else. She would stab me in the back at the first opportunity. This is not love.

  For Barbara, time stopped as the meaning of his words settled in like a heavy door closing shut. She saw his mouth move as he walked past her, leaving her and Scott alone. Disoriented, Barbara looked at Scott. “Now?”

  Scott rose from his chair and confirmed, “Now.”

  She blinked, still not believing what had happened. The air left her lungs and there was a void where her heart had been.

  Scott tilted his head to the side, studying Barbara. Her gaze was blank and she was as pale as the off-white turtleneck she was wearing.

  “Come on, Barbara. I’ll help you.” Scott gently led her out of the office.

  No one had taught Barbara that she shouldn’t give her heart so freely to a man that didn’t love her.

  The void in her chest filled with hateful acid and it made her blood bubble and sputter in her veins. She gazed unseeingly at Scott and hissed, “I wish I had never known him. I wish he were dead.”

  Leibowitz Oil Building

  Friday, December 17, 2010

  4:25 p.m.

  Sophia walked through the Leibowitz Oil building lobby taking in its high ceiling and its marble walls and floor, and the armored glass she had ordered as soon as she moved to London. All of the doors with their special metal detectors, alarms, and locks made her feel safer.

  I can control it. I can. She breathed deeply and walked out, flanked by Steven and Zareb. At least, a little bit.

  Alistair was leaning on his BMW, looking absolutely gorgeous wearing a perfectly tailored double-breasted navy wool suit with a baby-blue tie. He opened the door for her.

  She smiled gently at her bodyguards and dismissed them for the day, entering the car.

  There was an undercurrent of nervousness in the BMW. After what seemed like a long time, she asked, turning up the heating without taking off her coat, “Aren’t you cold?”

  Alistair held her cold hands in his broad ones and blew his breath on them. His smile was taut. “I’m a Highlander.”

  “Mmmm,” she murmured noncommittally.

  They were quiet again for a few moments.

  Alistair was worried. Sophia was still cold, just as when her blood pressure was low, and her playfulness was extinguished. “Are you feeling well?”

  “Yes.” Sophia shifted to take off her coat. “Help me?”

  “Are you still afraid?”

  There was no smile on her face. “No.” I’m trying not to be.

  I bet you are. He entwined his fingers with hers. “Are you sure about this?”

  Stop! Stop! “Are you?”

  He inhaled, then exhaled forcefully and bit out, “Nae.”

  She could not believe what she was hearing. Sophia blinked, astonished, as a wave of paralyzing iciness invaded her.

  “Do you want to drive me crazy?”

  She had whispered so low that he almost asked her to repeat herself. “Nae, I don’t want to drive you crazy.” He pulled her into his arms. “And that’s why I’m no’ so sure anymore. You’ve been tense; you’ve been nervous. I want you to feel safe and happy. I think when I put my choice—my happiness—in your hands, I gave you a heavier burden to carry. And that was no’ the idea. Never.”

  Sophia closed her eyes and leaned on his strong shoulder. His sweet words and his familiar male scent comforted her. Sublime Alistair Connor. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” he asked, his broad hand making circles on her small back. Really, Sophia, stop being sorry.

  “For being so snappy these days. It’s just that...it’s such a big responsibility.”

  “Aye, it is. One we are going to share.” Gently gripping her chin, he raised her head. “One we agreed on not deciding right now. Sweetheart, you’re seeing things upside down. Where is the love, the joy? Can’t you imagine the warmth a new baby will bring to our house? To our families?”

  He’s right. Stop being a worry-wart, Sophia. She sighed. “I guess it’s hormones. You know how pregnancy works.”

  “Already?” His lips curled up, but the concern didn’t leave his face. His eyes were gentle when he stared at hers. “Sophia, I’m thrilled by your decision, but I want you to feel the same way about it. You don’t need to do anything just because I want it.”

  As if I would. “Alistair Connor.” She rolled her eyes at him, with a smile on her lips. “Have you forgotten who you’re talking to? I have strict rules on how much I let you woo me into doing your whims.” Not so easy not to succumb.

  That’s my Sophia. “Oh. I didn’t know these rules of yours worked so well,” he joked, as playful as she had been. “I know you can’t resist my charm.”

  Her eyes brightened. “So, Lord Irresistible, would you prefer a boy or a girl?”

  “Twins,” he answered her with a grin.

  Kensington

  Dr. John Walter’s Office

  5:19 p.m.

  “That’s it?” Alistair asked, open-mouthed at the simplicity of the procedure. “Just a cough and it’s out?

  “Yep,” John smiled at him. He threw the used IUD in the waste bin, took off his gloves, and washed his hands.

  “Yeah, that’s it,” Sophia complained, with a grimace and a hand on her stomach. “Let’s change places, Lord That’s-it.”

  Alistair kissed her forehead and followed John out of the examination room, leaving Sophia to put her clothes back on.

  John sat at his computer and typed a few notes. Then he turned to Alistair. “She’ll feel pain, since Gabriela was born by caesarian. I want her body to rest, which means no sex for eight…ten nights starting tonight, please.”

  Alistair stared at the doctor, incredulous. “Ten!”

  “Let’s make it seven then. However, Alistair, when I say no sex for seven nights, I really mean no sex, nothing. Not even oral.” John smiled when Alistair put his hands up. “And then you’re free to go. With your high sex drive, I’ll probably have you back in here in three or four months, tops.”

  “Ah…” Alistair rubbed a hand on his nape, uncomfortable. “I don’t think so.”
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  John raised his eyebrows surprised. “Why?”

  Alistair was saved by Sophia, as she walked back and sat in her armchair.

  He grabbed her hand. “The thing is, John, we need to find a sperm donor.”

  Sophia and Alistair had discussed it at length. Together, and separate with their therapists. Since they were sure Alistair was sterile and it would take time to work out the length of her cycle and track her ovulation, they had decided Sophia could take out her IUD safely to start with.

  “Why?” Despite his many years of experience, the doctor could not help expressing his astonishment.

  “I am sterile.” Alistair closed his fingers so tightly around Sophia’s that she had to stifle a flinch of pain.

  “Who told you that?” John couldn’t believe it. Neither as a friend, nor as a doctor. “Only one percent of the general population has complete lack of sperm. You had Nathalie. Most cases of male infertility can be resolved either by treating the problem or using fertility treat—”

  “John.” Alistair cut in, because he could not deal with false hopes. “I was diagnosed by Dr. Benjamin Lodes.”

  That halted John. Dr. Lodes was one of the best urologists in the UK. He put his glasses on to hide the pity in his blue eyes. “I see.”

  “We’ve thought about Mayo,” Sophia told John. “But I’d rather do it with you.”

  “I’d be honored. I have here the best donors in the UK, all of them tested and interviewed at length. Their families are taken into consideration. The final decision is yours, of course. However,” he looked very seriously at the couple in front of him, “like all things in life, donated sperm doesn’t come with a guarantee. Sophia, I’ll need some exams.”

  As John explained what was going to happen and what they needed to do, the only words that resonated in Alistair’s mind were, ‘donated sperm doesn’t come with a guarantee.’

  What the fuck have I asked of Sophia? How can I guarantee everything will be all right?

  Atwood House

  Wednesday, December 22, 2010

  11:03 p.m.

  “Two more nights,” he bit out in her hair and tightened his arm around her waist. Stop, Sophia. You’re driving me insane.

  Her hand stopped drawing eights around his nipple and she propped on an elbow. “What?”

  “Just thinking out loud,” he answered, sighing with relief. I’m dying here, trying to control myself. Alistair loved it when she played with his nipples. It aroused him so easily. He raised his leg a bit to hide his rising erection. “Sleep. We’re leaving early for Craigdale tomorrow.”

  Damn, he is sexy. Sophia put her head back on his chest and her nail began the torture again.

  Okay, that’s enough. “Stop.” His fingers curled around her slender wrist securing her arm against his upper abs. He stretched his other arm and turned off his bedside lamp. “Let’s sleep.” This is ridiculous, Alistair Connor, you’re not a teenager anymore.

  In the dark, he felt Sophia’s cheek move and realized she knew what was happening. He groaned, “Finding it funny?”

  “No.” But then her chest started to tremble and her laughter bubbled out loud.

  “Keep laughing,” he growled, wanting to laugh with her, but his unfulfilled arousal was not funny at all. “Keep laughing, my lady. Two more nights and I’ll have you.”

  “I can hardly wait.” She shifted and disappeared below the coverlets, murmuring, “Meanwhile, let’s make you more comfortable.”

  Scotland, Highlands, Loch Arkedanaskan

  Craigdale Castel

  Friday, December 24, 2010

  4:52 p.m.

  “Bye-bye. Happy Xmas.” Gabriela waved to Felipe on Skype and blew him a kiss, vacating the chair in front of Sophia’s MacBook Pro and jumping into Alistair’s arms.

  With an open smile, Sophia said to her brother’s image on the screen, “Merry Christmas, Brother.”

  They chatted for a few minutes happily and as Sophia started to bid him farewell, Felipe halted her, saying, “Ah-ah, little Sis, before you say goodbye, tell me what is nagging you.”

  How can he be so perceptive? Alistair looked from Felipe’s face on the screen to Sophia’s. He wondered what she would say.

  With a long sigh, she blurted out, “I’m just tired and a bit worried.”

  “Tired? Worried? The über Sophia? Aaah, no. That’s not possible,” he joked, before tenderly remarking, “Sis, everyone has the right to have a holiday, you know? Why don’t you take a break from your PhD? Or from Leibowitz Oil? Let me talk to this big husband of yours. Someone has to put a leash on you.”

  Wait until you know everything. “Shoot, Felipe. I’m here.” Alistair angled the laptop a bit. Leave it to me to make things even more complicated for her.

  8:22 p.m.

  Sophia studied her brother-in-law who was sitting in front of her at the dining table.

  Tavish hadn’t said a word since he had arrived a few hours ago. Although he had joined them in the Laird Library, he kept staring down at his whisky. Dressed all in black, in a plain heavy wool turtleneck sweater under a well-cut blazer and straight trousers, he seemed in mourning. His eyes were hooded and his long black lashes made shadows on his cheekbones. From time to time, his lips clamped down in a thin line. Even though the castle was full of friends and family, nobody approached him.

  When they moved to the dining room, Lachlann’s and Alice’s smiles were so strained that Sophia thought they might start to cry.

  The usual table for twelve had been opened and laid out for twenty-four and the heavy wood console tables had been moved, forming one long table full of different kinds of seasonal foods and sweetmeats.

  Sophia helped herself and sat in front of Tavish, but he didn’t even look at her.

  “What’s the problem?” she asked Alistair in a whisper, jutting her chin at her brother-in-law.

  He raised his ink-black eyebrows in pity. “It’s a difficult time for him.”

  To Alistair’s amazement and approval, Sophia struck Tavish in the chest with a chestnut.

  He jerked his head up. Glowering through thin slits, he perused the table to discover who had dared tease him when he was in such a sour mood.

  The whole table went dead silent.

  Before he could say anything, Sophia, who was playing with another chestnut in her fingers, declared, “We missed you when we were decorating the tree, Brother-in-law. You know Alistair Connor can only reach so far.”

  “Ha! Next time, you get another on the ladder.” Alistair watched as she deliberately started to peel her chestnut. I want to see what you are going to do now, Brother. “Not even Tavish Uilleam could have reached the top.”

  Astonished, Tavish realized Sophia had thrown the chestnut at him. He gazed around and saw that his father was staring at her in wonder.

  Getting close to Tavish was as hard as peeling a pineapple with one’s bare hands, but once he allowed someone in, he embraced them wholeheartedly. He couldn’t resist Sophia’s charming and playful ways.

  Tavish’s lips curled up and his eyes brightened. He was fiercely protective of those he loved, especially his family, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t fool around with them too. He relaxed on the chair, and just to provoke his brother, he blew Sophia a kiss. With a stylish salute of his hand, he huskily said, “You can always count on me, Sophia. As you know, this brother of mine is useless.”

  What the fuck? Incredulous, Alistair gaped at Sophia as she blew a kiss back to Tavish.

  “Sophia MacCraig.” Her name left his mouth in a growl and made the whole table laugh.

  “Lord Caveman, please!” She turned in her chair and raised her hands at him as if to protect her head. “Don’t club me.”

  Alistair gripped her hands in one of his, and her chin with the other. In front of everyone, he kissed her right on the mouth, not caring about the children’s giggles, or the whistles and cheers coming from the adults.

  Tavish felt envy and happiness fill him at the sa
me time. Alistair and Sophia were so openly smitten. Both were beautiful, intelligent, and witty. She had made Alistair smile, and he had made Sophia blossom.

  He knew a love like theirs could be found just once in life.

  11:02 p.m.

  “She’s so excited,” Alistair murmured to Sophia as they exited the girls’ room hand in hand. Since their arrival on Thursday morning, Gabriela had been awed with the wonderful Christmas decorations that delicately wound the whole castle, making it feel as if they had entered Santa Claus’s home.

  Lachlann had waited for their arrival to decorate the enormous Christmas tree already entwined with lights. Ariadne and Gabriela had decided which ornaments they wanted to use from a massive storage room filled with a huge selection of the most inventive decorations Sophia had ever seen. Michael declined, saying he was too old to play with girls.

  “It’s her first real Christmas in a normal family after all.” She halted in the middle of the corridor. “I’m quite confused about this.”

  Confused? “About what?” You confound me.

  “Gabriela and I, we’re Jewish. You’re Catholic. We had an ecumenical wedding. What will the baby be?”

  Good question. “Both,” he answered simply, while they made their way to their bedroom. “When she is older, she can decide for herself.”

  “She?” She laughed. “I don’t think you can handle a house full of women.”

  “Are you doubting my talents?” He pinned her down with his forest-green stare, opening the door for her.

  “Oh, no, Lord Macho-man.” She purposely brushed her breasts on his arms and his breath hitched. A smile graced Sophia’s lips. “At least, I know you can handle one woman very well.”

  What have I done to deserve such a provocative woman? He rolled his eyes at himself and followed her into the dressing room, leaning on the doorway as she neatly hung her leather jacket in the exact place she had taken it from. His lust was wakened by the sensuous strip-tease she was doing without realizing it. He instantly started to disrobe too, but his clothes were thrown on the armchair.