Into the Darkness

by Kat T. Masen

  Placing his hands over mine, he curled his fingers into my own, squeezing them gently, letting out a huge breath before he began speaking. “Charlie, you are the most amazing, beautiful, smart, talented woman I have ever met. The last six months have been nothing short of spectacular. I've been thinking a lot, about us, where I want to be. I love you Charlie, but this is not enough for me...” I could feel the bile rising in my throat. Here it comes…

  I went to speak but he interrupted me. “Charlie, I want you in my life, every day. I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up, the last thing I see when I go to sleep. And between those moments, I want you with me in my dreams.”

  Then he stood from his chair and got down on one knee, his eyes staring right into mine as a wave of panic settled in my chest.

  “Charlie Mason, Will you marry me?”

  Letting out a loose cough, I almost choked as I heard the words out loud. Marriage?

  Struggling to breathe, my heart began beating unevenly, but so loud I was sure the whole restaurant heard. In the space of a few seconds he produced a small black box, opening it slowing to reveal a sparkly princess-cut diamond.

  “But…we've only been together for six months…” I stuttered.

  He pulled the ring out of the box, delicately placing it between his fingers. “I love you, Charlie. I don't need any more time to figure that out. You’re the one I've been waiting for.”

  This moment felt overwhelming. I glanced around, seeing as the tables on either side of us watched in anticipation for my reaction, which only added more pressure. My focus returned to Julian who held the ring in front of me, waiting for my answer.

  “You're kind of leaving me out on a limb here.” He laughed nervously.

  I looked around again, knowing every second that passed probably felt like an hour in Julian’s mind. What the hell was I supposed to do? I caught myself by surprise as when I blurted out, “Yes.”

  With his face beaming, he slowly slid the ring on my finger as the restaurant applauded around us. He leaned in and placed a kiss on my lips, almost like it sealed the proposal. I sat back and admired the ring that was nestled comfortably on my finger.

  “Charlie, you have just made me the happiest man in New York City. Scrap that…the world.”

  I pulled him back into me, this time the kiss lingering, as I so desperately tried to get lost in this moment. It was just like in the movies and I smiled as I looked at the handsome man before me that soon would be my husband. I glanced at the ring again, stunned that this had happened only a few moments ago.

  “Shall we go back to my place to celebrate?” he asked.

  “By celebrate, I hope you mean fool around before having some extremely hot sex?”

  Letting out a laugh, he nodded. “You read my mind.”

  As we stood up, his cell rang and he answered, annoyed. I only caught bits of the conversation as I was too busy staring at the rock that felt like it weighed a ton on my hand—and my heart. As his conversation finished, I forced a smile and flashed my ring enthusiastically.

  “Charlie, I'm sorry.”

  “Did the bat signal go off?”

  “Even if it did I wouldn't leave, but a well-known politician has been caught in a rather compromising situation on Long Island. I need to be there in two hours.”

  “Wow, like cock wrapped around a twenty-one-year-old mistress situation?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Two hours? That gives us plenty of time, Mr. Baker.”

  …

  My head fell back, my back arching as he buried himself deep inside me. His movements pushed me closer to that moment, the moment when I screamed his name, but something felt different. His pace picked up, his grunts deepening. In an act of desperation he buried his head between my breasts, kissing the curves till his tongue found its way to my erect nipples. I clenched with pleasure and felt his teeth graze over them. I’m almost there.

  “Imagine us, baby, every day for the rest of our lives, buried in each other, making each other cum. You’ll be my wife, forever mine.”

  His words, forever mine: I was to be his. I would belong to him like he would belong to me: Julian and Charlie Baker. That wave of panic swept over me again. I tried to block it out and focus on an orgasmic finish. I needed it, more than I ever needed a happy ending in my life.

  “I need to feel you explode all over me, my gorgeous Charlie.”

  I bucked my hips into him, allowing him to go deeper. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Where the hell is this happy orgasmic ending?

  Focus, Charlie. I pulled his head away from my breasts and forcefully kissed his mouth, where the taste of my pussy lingered on his lips and his tongue swirled around mine. I was done.

  As the two of us lay side by side trying to catch our breaths, he turned to face me with a ridiculous grin on his face and pulled my hand towards him to admire the ring.

  “To the future Mrs. Baker, may we have a lifetime full of exploding finishes, until that is of course we are interrupted by a brood of kids after which will result in late night quickies.”

  “Kids?” I asked, my voice choking slightly, any remaining horniness sinking faster than the Titanic.

  “Sure, you do want them right?”

  “I uh…yeah, I guess so, but not anytime soon.”

  “Don’t worry, we’ve got some time. Practice makes perfect, right?”

  Surely he could feel my body tense up talking about this. “How many do you want?”

  “Mmm… I don’t know…three, maybe four?”

  “Four!”

  “I want plenty of mini Charlie and Julian’s jumping in our bed every morning.”

  There it was, that wave of panic again. My stomach tied into all kinds of knots. I hated that I was this terrified, hated that I wasn’t basking in all this kids-talk like every other female with a ticking biological clock.

  “Hey gorgeous, relax. It’s going to be you and me for a while. Think you can you handle that?”

  I turned to face him, then reached out and ran my hand along his jaw. The diamond shone back at me. I can handle this. Cupid had served me the most perfect man on a silver platter and I was questioning myself? You’re an idiot, Charlie. Plain and simple.

  “I can handle that, future Mr. Mason.”

  …

  I walked through the door and placed my keys on the hallway table. Kicking my heels off, I made my way to the couch then sunk into the cushions. My chest tightened, my stomach still tied in knots.

  I said yes… I really said yes. Why wasn’t I calling everyone I know?

  I looked at the ring, its weight now unbearable. It was beautiful, but this moment was not what I imagined. I felt guilty as I sat here wearing this piece of jewelry that’s symbolic meaning meant the promise that I was going to commit myself to Julian for the rest of my life. I took the ring off my finger and slid it across the table, as far away from me as possible.

  My cell went off, startling me. I glanced at the screen, smiling instantly as his name and goofball face flashed on the screen. Always perfect timing; he was just what I needed right now.

  “What are you wearing?” he asked in a low voice.

  “A slutty black dress.”

  “Why do I believe that?”

  “Because I'm a New Yorker and that's what we wear on Tuesday nights.” I paused for a brief moment. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you too,” he responded at ease.

  “When are you guys coming back to visit?”

  “When are you gonna come home?”

  Home—this was home, here in Manhattan. “Logan, you know I can't go back.”

  “But one day you will and you better come and stay with me, just like old times. I’ll fight ya hard for the remote. We can eat cookie dough straight from the packet and if you’re good, and I mean real good, I may let you ride my Harley.”

  I laughed out loud, just like old times. “Do I get to bunk with the kids?”

  “I'm sure they would l
ove that.” He laughed. “But hey, your funeral not mine.”

  “I miss them. I miss you, and I miss Jen. How is she? Please give her big hugs for me.”

  “She's right here.”

  The cell volume changed and I could hear that Logan had put me on speakerphone.

  “Hi honey. I miss you too. It's been too long. Where is my weekly update on Batman?”

  It was now or never. “Actually, I have some news. Tonight…well…Julian kind of…I'm engaged.”

  There was a long silence, followed by a child's cry in the background. “Honey, congratulations...” she said, her voice unsure. “Listen, I have to put Milo down for the night. Call me tomorrow, let’s talk more. I need details. I love you.”

  I heard the click as I was taken off speakerphone. “Logan?”

  “Yeah, I'm here.” His voice was sullen.

  “So…me, engaged. Who would have thought?” I nervously laughed. The silence only prolonged what was bound to be said. If anyone understood my hesitation in this moment, it was Logan.

  “Charlie, I can hear it in your voice. You're scared.”

  “Not scared, Logan, just a little apprehensive. I didn't think this day would come,” I whispered.

  “It's me. Your best friend since we were in our mother’s wombs. The guy you so willingly lost your virginity to at the age of sixteen. I know you Charlie, and this hesitation is because of him and I hate that.”

  “Logan, I don’t want to get into this. The past needs to remain exactly that, in the past. Otherwise we would never move forward with our lives. Just don’t say his name…please,” I begged, hoping that somehow Logan understood that I was so done and needed this more than anything.

  “Agreed, but when the past affects your future, then what? Julian is great, right? You said so yourself.”

  “He IS great.” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince more.

  “So stop beating yourself up over it. He loves you, you love him. He treats you like you deserve to be treated and according to my wife he is sex on legs. Whatever the hell that means, but I can take a guess. Take the leap, Charlie. You'll see how great life can be, and as time moves on, so will your feelings. This is great.”

  He was right. I needed to let go of any negative thoughts that ever crossed my mind. “You put up a good argument. You sure you don’t want to study law?” I laughed.

  “Miss Manhattan, big shot lawyer. Look, I gotta go. I love you. Please think about what I said.”

  “I will. Love you too.”

  I hung up the phone, clutching it to my chest. Everything Logan said was right. I had this perfect man who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I’d be stupid to say no. I knew that, but I just couldn’t let it go, this feeling of guilt, like I was doing something wrong. I leaned over and reached for the ring, placing it back on my finger.

  I tossed and turned that night. The dreams, the nightmares, please stop, I begged myself. Somewhere around three o’clock, the exhaustion outweighed my racing mind and just when I found the peace I had hoped for, it happened. Those emerald green eyes flashed before me and I crumbled. The memory became all too clear, taking me back to the moment it all began.

  April 2005

  I woke up in the darkness, my throat dry like the Vegas desert. Why did I let Adriana bring that second bag of Doritos in her room? Our sleepovers had become nights filled with never-ending junk food and gossiping about who was blowing who at school.

  I climbed off the couch careful not to wake her. Oh, who was I kidding, a hurricane wouldn’t even wake her. She snored away as I tiptoed to the kitchen to grab a drink. It was dark and I didn’t want to wake anyone so I walked down the steps to the kitchen, shocked when I collided with another body.

  “Holy shit!” a voice yelled.

  The weight of his body forced me down. I was pinned with my back against the stairs, unable to speak and still not knowing who it was, the darkness masking his identity. He pulled himself up off me, accidently grazing my breast as he stood up. It was like a jolt of electricity that shot through me and I gasped as I felt it. I could have sworn he felt it too as I heard him whimper.

  The light suddenly came on as he flicked the switch making me go all cross-eyed; it was Alex, Adriana’s older brother. He was twenty-three and lived in San Francisco with his wife, from what Adriana told me. I hadn’t seen him since he left Carmel after he graduated. He stood in front of me, wearing only flannel pajama pants that hung low below his waist, showing off his perfectly muscular body and the ‘V’, ohhhh the ‘V’. I didn’t know I was gazing at his body until he broke me from my trance.

  “Charlotte?” he asked.

  I looked at his face, his eyes drinking me in, the color emerald. I struggled to find the words, feeling utterly stupid for paying this much attention to him. He was Adriana’s older brother and I had spent most of my late childhood around him. After all, I was her best friend and practically lived in her room.

  “I’m so sorry, Alex.” I started to panic, my voice becoming squeaky. As the adrenalin started to wear off, I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. It must have been from when he fell on top of me on the stairs. Without thinking I rubbed my head, my face scrunching as I touched the lump that was starting to form.

  “Are you okay? Come sit down.”

  He pulled one of the chairs out as I walked over to the kitchen bench. Sitting myself down, I watched him grab a bag of peas from the freezer. He walked back over and stood in front of me, then held the peas up against the lump which was now throbbing like one of those thumbs in the cartoons. His chest in front of me gloriously exposed, the smell of his skin intoxicating. I closed my eyes for a brief moment, inhaling what smelled like aftershave and soap mixed with man sweat, but good man sweat, hot man sweat. Charlie, what the hell is wrong with you! I felt the warmth starting to spread all over my body, my nipples the first to respond, then down below followed. He pulled away and I quickly opened my eyes, scared that he could read my thoughts.

  “Better?” he asked in a sweeter tone.

  “Yes, thank you. I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you were here. Adriana didn’t mention that you had returned from college.” I spoke quickly, suddenly feeling self-conscious—and I had every reason to as I’d just caught him checking out my rack. His eyes looked like they were on fire. I looked down, my nipples prominent in my tank top. Oh fuck, I forgot to put my bra back on! I quickly folded my arms which broke his perving.

  “I…um, came back this morning.” He laughed. “She probably didn’t tell you because she was too busy sucking face with that scrawny geek she’s seeing. I didn’t mean to startle you back there. I’m sleeping on the couch here tonight because our bed hasn’t arrived at our new place yet.”

  “Are you back here for good?” I nervously asked. Why the hell was I so nervous?

  “Not one hundred percent sure but in the meantime I wanted to get some practical experience alongside my dad at the hospital, plus Samantha got a job at the gallery not too far from here, so yeah, I guess it keeps everyone happy,” he explained, sounding a little unsure of himself.

  “I better head back to bed,” I told him. “Adriana is making us go prom dress shopping tomorrow morning. What are the chances of her battery being tampered with so the car won’t start?” I jokingly asked.

  “That’s right, I forgot you weren’t related to Donatella Versace like my sister claims she is.” He laughed in return.

  It was so true. I pulled myself off the stool, careful not to knock into him again. I walked back to the stairway, turning around to look at him before I went back upstairs.

  “It was nice seeing you again, Alex.”

  I started walking up the stairs before turning around one more time.

  “And congratulations on your wedding; Adriana told me it was amazing.”

  This time I headed back up the stairs realizing I hadn’t gotten as drink as I was so desperate for. Oh well, it was too late now. I tossed and turned, tryi
ng to dissect what had happened downstairs. I felt awkward around him yet comfortable at the same time. It didn’t make sense…and why was I laying here obsessing about it?

  After what felt like only minutes, I was rudely awoken by Adriana screaming through the hallway. “MOM!” she yelled angrily.

  I was exhausted. I pulled the blanket over my head, trying to ignore the family domestic issues that were going on outside.

  “MOM, HOW COULD YOU LET HIM TAKE IT?!”

  This time her voice was even louder than before. I could hear more muffled voices followed by loud footsteps. The door to the bedroom slammed, her ballet distinction certificate frame falling off the wall.

  “I mean seriously, out of all days he comes up with bullshit like this?” she muttered to herself.

  I pulled my head above the blanket, opening my eyes.

  “Adriana, what the hell? It’s like seven in the morning. What could you possibly be upset about this early?” She better have a damn good reason.

  “My brother apparently took my car claiming that it sounded like something was wrong with the battery. He left me a note saying he has taken it down to Al’s Mechanic’s to get it checked out. I am so annoyed, the car is fine! If something was wrong with it the battery light would have come on. I asked Mom if I could borrow her car but she has to help a friend of hers move house. I could strangle him right now!”

  She continued, more calmly, “Sorry, I don’t mean to take it out on you. It’s just I was really looking forward to prom dress shopping and now it looks like we are stuck here for the day.” She sat at her desk and opened a Vogue magazine, roughly flicking the pages.