Into the Darkness

by Kat T. Masen

  “Well gorgeous, you would be happy to know I was just thinking the same thing.” He stood up and like the true gentlemen he was, he held out his hand and I grabbed onto it. “Gorgeous, do you know how happy you make me?”

  “Mmm, the same as how happy you make me?” I said, smiling.

  His face lit up, like he’d been waiting all night to hear these words. “I like hearing you call me your fiancé.”

  “I could have introduced you as my partner, but that sounds like we’re lesbian lovers or something.”

  “I wouldn’t object to eating you out all the time,” he joked.

  “Neither would I.”

  I loved our flirting. It was one of the best things about our relationship. I would feel butterflies all the time over such simple conversation. Except tonight my happy butterflies were battling, or more like knocking the living shit out of the nauseous ones. I wasn’t doing anything wrong so why did I feel like this?

  We laughed as we danced, his body against mine. I closed my eyes and enjoyed this moment of bliss. Make this work, Charlie, I kept chanting in my head. I deserved someone who would love me and only me.

  “Mind if I cut in? For old time’s sake?” I felt the blood drain from my body as he spoke the words. It was one thing to talk to him but another to be in close physical contact.

  Julian looked pissed but being the gentleman he was, he quickly kissed my cheek and told me he would be over by the bar. Lex grabbed my hand, placing his other on my waist. Having him touch me was causing a massive meltdown inside. He smelled just like I remembered. I was careful not to close my eyes so I wouldn’t go back to that place I had once called home. The touch of his hand felt right, like he was still a part of me, but this was wrong, so very wrong. I danced quietly, enjoying the band as they sang a Dean Martin song.

  “Charlotte, you really do look beautiful. Your favorite color, I see.”

  I still remembered when I told him emerald was my favorite color. It was on the dance floor on prom night, and it all felt like déjà vu, only this time without the happy ending in the classroom.

  “What do you want, Lex?” I was straight to the point but I needed to know what game he was playing. I couldn’t read him, not like before when I knew every part of him.

  “I see you at the restaurant and you run from me. I run into you again and you avoid me. Can’t two long lost friends catch up after seven years?”

  “Why do you keep saying we were friends?” I asked.

  “But we are, or should I say were? According to you it was just a fling. It meant nothing.” He had me there. I was kidding myself by saying that but I wanted more than anything for him to believe it. Why should he have the satisfaction of knowing how much pain he put me through?

  I quickly changed the subject. Now was not the time nor the place to dig up old memories. “Why are you here, anyway?”

  “One reason: Adriana. She drags me to these things and makes me donate a shitload of money.”

  “So you’re no longer practicing medicine?”

  “There’s so much we need to talk about, Charlotte. I don’t think the dance floor at this charity ball is the place. Meet me for a drink tonight, we can talk properly then.”

  He sounded so controlling. I mean, he always had that trait but now I looked at him differently. The weak man who chose his wife over me, instead of fighting for what he claimed he always wanted. I ignored his comment. I had to avoid being alone with him at all costs.

  “How long have you and Julian been together?” And there it was. I was waiting for him to bring up Julian. The anger took over again, ruining the moment.

  “Why, Lex? Does it matter? What about you? I’m guessing you’re no longer with Samantha since you hooked up with another blonde.” I could feel the temperature in the room rise, or maybe that was just me.

  “Calm down, Charlotte. Samantha and I are no longer married and Adriana set me up with Brooke for tonight only.”

  I suddenly felt odd, the feeling was something I was no longer accustomed to and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Was I jealous? Oh my God, I was jealous! Fucking hell, I mean that blonde was hot and he did like blondes. I had no right questioning who he was with, just like he had no right questioning me.

  “Why do you ask? Are you jealous?” he said with a smirk.

  Some nerve. Thankfully at that moment the band stopped playing. The crowd stopped dancing to applaud them so I took the opportunity to bolt. “Thank you for the dance, Lex.”

  I walked away, leaving him alone on the dance floor. I spotted Rocky and Bull’s. I needed my friends to drag me kicking and screaming into the present. These flashbacks were getting the better of me and I knew it was a vicious cycle to fall into.

  “Some dance partner you got there, Charlie,” Rocky snickered.

  “Who Ale…I mean Lex?”

  “Uh yeah, Lex Edwards, billionaire CEO, Mr. Player. You might be his first brunette.”

  “How do you know all this?”

  “Charlie, he’s always in the social section, you know, who he’s dating, what he’s wearing.”

  “Hold up. You read the social section?” I asked, trying to hold in my laughter.

  “Yes, but if it makes you feel any better he is not seeing anyone now.”

  Surprisingly it did make me feel better but I quickly swallowed that feeling. Why did I even care?

  “Can I have my girl back?” I felt arms wrap around my waist, surprised to see Julian. Did I think it would be anyone else? He leaned in, running his nose along my neck.

  I was very aware that I was being watched. I didn’t know where he was in the room but I knew his eyes were on me. I pulled Julian’s arms tighter around me.

  Then, from across the room, his eyes found me, his gaze stripped me bare. He looked furious. I turned away, ignoring him, and wrapped my arms around Julian’s neck. I rested my head on his shoulder, wanting to forget about everyone else in this room.

  “Gorgeous, when do I get to make you my wife?” Julian whispered.

  “That depends, are you going to whisk me away to your batcave now?”

  He smiled, pulling me closer. “For you, anything.”

  I was lost in this moment, smiling as I held onto him. I needed to feel this, to feel wanted, to feel loved. My eyes met Lex’s. He never broke from my gaze. The guilt was rushing through me. I was torn. Finally I was happy, my world no longer broken. Looking at Lex, I knew I couldn’t go back there. Every happy memory I had of him was overshadowed by the tragic ending. I couldn’t look at him without dragging all that up. No… He needed to know.

  “Charlie?” I turned and saw Adriana standing next to me. For a moment my world seemed happy again, the one person who meant so much to me but again she hurt me, leaving me to clean up my own mess. Judging me, when she only knew half the truth.

  “It’s you.” Her voice quivered, the emotion building up as she attempted to get her words out. “Charlie, I’m so, so sorry.”

  Tears fell down her face. She was young at the time and had done what most girls would do. I was the one who had played with fire, or should I say her brother. I let go of Julian and hugged her tight. Everything about her felt familiar and for a second I wondered if that’s what it would feel like with Lex.

  “Adriana, please stop crying. You’ll ruin your mascara and mine,” I chuckled as a tear slid down my cheek. She smiled that beautiful smile of hers. It was easy to forgive Adriana; she had been my best friend since I was eight.

  “I’d say wipe it on your dress, but wow Charlie, what the hell has happened to you? You look stunning. Dolce & Gabbana? I’m in love with this dress.” Just like that, the old Adriana I knew and loved was back.

  “The moment I saw it I knew we were soulmates.” As I spoke about the dress I noticed Julian and the rest of the gang standing there, obviously waiting for an introduction.

  “Oh, sorry. Adriana, please meet Rocky and Nikki. We’ve known each other since college. Nikki and I are actually partners in our ow
n firm,” I said proudly.

  “Firm?! As in lawyer?” she exclaimed.

  I nodded. “This is Eric, my assistant, and Emma is Nikki’s assistant. This handsome man here is my fiancé, Julian.” I leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.

  “OK, so has anyone ever told you that you look like Christian Bale?” Adriana asked Julian in her flirty voice. Oh how I remembered that voice!

  “Who, me? Never,” he sarcastically responded. I swatted his arm as he laughed along with the rest of the group.

  “So from what I hear you and Elijah are still together. Married, right?”

  “Ah, yes and no. It’s kind of a long story which we’ll have plenty of time to catch up on later.” She lowered her voice. I knew something wasn’t right but I wasn’t going to pry in front of everyone.

  “Do you guys mind if Adriana and I grab a drink from the bar?”

  They all nodded and happily chatted to each other while Adriana and I walked to the bar.

  “He looked for you.”

  “Adriana, look, the past is the past.” I shut her down, not wanting to take a walk down memory lane.

  “Charlie, Lex is not the same. Not since you. You have to understand he was under a lot of pressure back then.”

  “I know he isn’t the same. I’ve run into him twice now and everything about him has changed. He isn’t the Alex I once loved.”

  “I know he comes across cold but deep down he still has something for you, Charlie. You were the love of his life.”

  “But what about his kid, Adriana? Do you know what it was like for me to find out from the town skank that his wife was pregnant? He promised me they stopped having sex and then to find out his wife was pregnant… Adriana, you just don’t understand.” The words came out harsh.

  “It wasn’t his baby, Charlie. They never had sex. Samantha lied about everything. When he found out, he went ballistic and took the next flight to Cuba to find you, thinking you left to live with your mom.”

  “But I wasn’t there.” The revelation was a shock to me. So it wasn’t his baby? I bowed my head, questioning my decisions. Was I wrong? But no, I remembered that he still chose her first. He believed it was his and he chose to honor his marriage over what we had.

  “I know, but your mom told us you had moved elsewhere and were happy with someone else. She begged us to leave you alone. She said you found a great guy and had moved in together. She said you were studying hard and that if we found you, she thought your life would go backwards. It was my fault as well, I told Lex you deserved the best and that he needed to let you be.”

  “Adriana, I don’t know what to say. I went to Connecticut to live with my grandmother. After she died I just wanted to move on and do her proud so I got into Harvard. There wasn’t another guy. How could there be after him? How could he doubt my love for him? Did he really think I would move on straight away?” I poured my heart out. If anyone could understand, it was Adriana.

  “Your mom was very convincing. I’m sorry, you’re right, but you really need to talk to Lex.”

  “It’s just too much. There’s more to this than…” I stopped speaking. Now was not the time to get into the painful semantics of it all. “Here is my number.” I pulled a business card out of my purse and handed it to her. “Let’s catch up for lunch soon and talk about this but for right now, I just need time. It’s a lot to take in.”

  She kissed me on the cheek, understanding I needed my space.

  Julian came over, asking me if I wanted to dance some more. I gladly welcomed the return to reality and reminded Adriana to call me. He was there, a few feet away from me. His eyes looked my way, watching me watching him. He leaned into the woman’s neck and kissed her gently, closing his eyes as he did so. I couldn’t help but watch him, and the fury was building inside me. Why was he touching her like that? He slowly opened his eyes, directing them at me again. I couldn’t bear to watch anymore, it was too painful. I needed a moment of clarity and excused myself.

  I exited the ballroom and walked down the long corridor. Breathe, only a few more feet. I needed to get to the bathroom. My mind was scattered with thoughts. What if he had come after me? Would everything have worked out for us? My heart was sinking deeper as the thought crossed my mind.

  Then I felt a hand grab my arm. I didn’t need to look. He pulled me through the double doors. Inside was another ballroom, empty of course. He let go of my arm and started pacing in frustration.

  “Do you love him?” He spoke quickly.

  I didn’t answer. I didn’t have to answer. We were not together.

  “I see the way you look at him. It was the way you used to look at me.”

  “Used to Al...Lex, you walked away, not me,” I stammered.

  “I had no choice! I looked for you. I didn’t give up on us!” he yelled.

  “The moment you chose her, you gave up on us.”

  My heart was pumping so hard as he turned to look at me, his eyes on fire. He grabbed my face, pressing his lips against mine. The force was so strong, I couldn’t feel any emotion but the one that made me focus on how perfect his lips tasted, his tongue entangled with mine, the familiarity clouding any rational thought that wanted to push him away. My hands moved towards his chest, then a moment of clarity as I attempted to break free. As if he knew, he pulled me into him, my arms trapped as he sucked hard on my lips. The pain turned me on, taking my body to places that only existed when we were together. From the moment he left, I wondered what it would be like to taste his lips again, and no matter how much I thought about it, the reality was far off. I missed how he tasted, how he would kiss me passionately, every time, like it was our first kiss. My head was screaming let me go but I couldn’t stop. I felt him stiffen against my leg, knowing I couldn’t let it go any further, but I was terrified by how much I wanted him. With his palm flat against my chest, I was scared that he could feel how rapidly my heart was beating, but I reminded myself that it no longer beat for him. It was time to pull away.

  “Lex, we can’t. Please, you don’t understand… I can’t go down this path again,” I said breathlessly.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you. It's something I must live with every day and all the pain I put you through, I wish I could erase it. It’s something I will always regret but I’m standing here now. Please just let me explain everything.”

  “That’s the thing, Lex. You just don’t know—”

  “What, Charlotte? Talk to me, please!”

  I said the words I’d been wanting to say since I ran into him: I’ve moved on. It was time to accept that. I broke free from his grip. Walking to the door, I touched my lips before grabbing the handle of the door and walking back to the ballroom.

  This wasn’t good. I couldn’t believe I had just kissed him again. Now I had to walk into the ballroom and face Julian and my friends, pretend nothing happened. I gave myself a few minutes to calm down, deep breaths. I put on a smile as I entered the ballroom.

  “Gorgeous, there you are.” Julian found me as soon as I walked in. “Listen, something has come up and I need to cover a story in Chicago first thing in the morning. My flight leaves in an hour. I’m sorry I have to leave.”

  “What? But you can’t leave,” I answered desperately. I needed him here so no other mistakes were made tonight. I needed him to protect me from the big bad wolf.

  “Charlie...I, um...are you OK?” he asked, questioning my odd behavior.

  “Julian, I understand. Sorry, I just… Call me the second you’re back, OK?”

  He grabbed me, kissing me deeply. I kissed him back, trying to erase the guilt of the last twenty minutes. Trying not to show just how uncomfortable I was, but I couldn’t help thinking it just wasn’t the same as Lex. Julian said goodbye to our table and hurried out of the building. Eric sat beside me, hugging me tight.

  “I know you’re upset he had to leave, but I know something that will cheer you up.”

  I didn’t tell Eric that I wasn’t upset that Julian left. I was still s
hell-shocked that I had actually kissed the ghost of my past, and how I let it happen.

  “Let’s go to After Dark tonight. Dirty drinks, dirty men and even dirtier dancing. We need to let loose after this stiff shindig, Charlie.”

  “Agreed, but only if we get to do shots.” I laughed, knowing Eric didn’t handle shots very well. Well, that was an understatement: three shots of tequila sees him dancing on a bar half-naked. Five shots sees him head-down ass-up over the toilet, crying to God.

  “Aw shit, Charlie, you know what happens when I do shots. I get so loose,” he whined.

  “How is that any different from now?”

  He laughed and did that snap hand gesture he always does. “Holy mother of all that’s sweet and pure, Sting’s here!” He grabbed Emma and ran off to the front of the stage.

  I stood there by myself watching Sting as he sung. Why did I let it happen? I touched my lips. Feeling them swollen reminded me of him, the intensity of it all. It was always like that between us. But there were so many questions I wanted to ask but even if he answered them, would it change things? I couldn’t let go of the fact that he chose her.

  The crowd cheered and the MC thanked Sting for performing, then the lights came on. The night had come to an end.

  “OK bitches, let’s grab a cab and get this party started.” Eric did his mini dance, the dance he always did before we went out clubbing. He put on his jacket and I grabbed my purse. I don’t know what compelled me to do it but I looked over at Lex one more time. He was looking directly at me with a smug look on his face. I couldn’t say goodbye, not now. My emotions were all over the place, mainly splattered all over the ballroom walls. I seriously needed some tequila.

  “First round of shots are on me,” I cheered as we headed out of the ballroom, ready to let loose and drown out tonight’s sorrows.

  Chapter 8

  Lex

  I spent the short limo ride chatting with Brooke. Turns out she was the daughter of one of the politicians here in New York. Great, just what I needed.