Into the Darkness

by Kat T. Masen

  “Can I call or email or text you?”

  “I’m really booked up with appointments this week and a few events I need to attend.”

  “With Julian?” I asked, regretting it immediately.

  “Lex, don’t.”

  “Charlotte, c’mon. Why do you have to go? Please stay a little while longer.”

  “Goodbye, Lex.”

  She walked out of the coffee shop and once again I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. Leaving me there alone, I tried to figure out what I had done so wrong. I told her my intentions of going back to London but I was going to return. Something changed in her, and I didn’t know why. This was not goodbye, far from it. I was going to go to London to sort out all the shit there then get set up here. All I had to do was get through the next two weeks without seeing her. If I could last seven years without her, I could last two weeks. At least that’s what I told myself. Yes, I can do that. I’m used to being in control.

  Then why did it fucking hurt like hell to leave?

  Chapter 15

  Charlie

  Monday morning, my favorite day of the week right? Not today. I was spent. The ache between my legs was persistent. Out of frustration I screamed in my bed, annoyed with whatever this was that was taking over me. My cell buzzed and I was ready to beat the crap out of whoever thought it was OK to text me this early.

  Are you free today for coffee? I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.

  Oh. I quickly checked my schedule. I didn’t want to make Lex think I would easily agree to meet him for coffee so I played hard-to-get. After making him beg for it, I agreed. As soon as I hit send, I immediately felt guilty. I shouldn’t be seeing him behind Julian’s back. How would I feel if Julian was seeing his ex behind my back? I thought about it for a second and to be honest I wouldn’t have cared. I trusted him.

  I was feeling a little anxious about meeting Lex, but what was the worst that could happen? It was a public place. Then again so were the charity ball and the night club…

  As I entered the café he was already sitting there, typing on his blackberry. As he saw me his face broke out into a smile. He stood up and kissed me politely on the cheek, catching me by surprise as I felt that spark between us ignite. Dammit, I thought, I needed to get through this with my clothes on.

  I made the mistake of mentioning that I had spoken to Adriana. He teased me, asking if I wanted to know what happened. I shot him down, telling him to hold onto the secret. It was best I didn’t know the complete story; if I knew then maybe the questions would start and ultimately only he was the one who could answer them.

  The coffee and brownie were placed on the table as he asked me questions about what I did, where I studied. I don’t know why I answered him, but when I mentioned Grandmother I choked up a little, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. He reached for my hand like he understood the pain, but again I felt like he was pushing me. I wasn’t ready; I didn’t want to discuss the past.

  Thankfully my cell started ringing. It was Michael calling to tell me that one of our clients, Mrs. Vandercamp, was demanding a larger alimony from her divorce settlement. I apologized for the call, then Lex got into the whole topic of work. When I asked him what he did for a living he squirmed. I don’t know what part of that question made him feel uncomfortable but he quickly changed the subject, asking me if the brownie was delicious. I told him I’d had better. As he dipped his fork and had a small bite, he licked his lips and told me it tasted perfect. Just watching his lips was stirring things down south; I needed to get a hold of myself…or he needed to! Why oh why does he always do this to me? I wasn’t sexually deprived. I had sex with Julian just last week, so why wasn’t this ache going away? Focus, Charlie… Focus. Do not look at his pants!

  When he mentioned flying back to London, my reaction took me by surprise. I was fucking angry. At him, at me. He was sitting here in front of me and every part of me hated the fact that I missed him, even though I no longer knew him. I asked him how long he would be away, letting my guard down, then I regretted it immediately. Fuck, I was stronger than this! I no longer belonged to him but then again did I ever? I told him I had something important to do at work, then I quickly grabbed my things. He asked if he could call or text but I rambled on about being busy during the week. Then he mentioned Julian. I was too weak to get into this right now so I told him to just stop.

  I walked away as fast as I could, hailing the first cab in sight. As I sat in the back of the cab, I tried to calm myself down. Why did I let all this happen? I should have been more firm from the get-go, but no, I let him dance with me, I let him kiss me and I even let him finger me. I was screwed and so sick of feeling this when I was around him. Things had to change. My attitude towards this had to change.

  …

  “You look on edge, sweetie.”

  “Mrs. Vandercamp, thank you for your concern but let’s get down to business.”

  “Man troubles?”

  I laughed. “Honestly, it’s not worth talking about.”

  “I heard you attended the charity ball. Unfortunately with Mr. Vandercamp and his bimbo there, I wasn’t able to attend.”

  “Right, Barbie with an overkill of fake tanning lotion on,” I couldn’t help but add.

  “Sounds like her. I can’t thank you enough for helping me fight this.”

  “It’s my job, plus you deserve it after all the humiliation Mr. Vandercamp put you through.”

  “I didn’t think things would turn out this way. George was the love of my life, and now we can barely be in the same room together, even for the sake of the kids.” She paused. “When I first met George, it was love at first sight. I was dating another man, a man that had asked my father’s permission to marry me. He was great but he wasn’t George. I thought I could tame him. I thought I was the woman who would be his wife, have his babies. He wouldn’t need anyone else. I was so naïve…” She trailed off.

  “A leopard can’t change its spots. Perhaps it’s time to move on. The ship has sailed and you need to focus on the future.”

  As I said the words it dawned on me that I was a total hypocrite. Everything I had just said was the opposite of what I was doing or had done with Lex. We had history, plenty of it and no matter what happened, it could not be erased. I knew I wasn’t meant to look back. Move forward, work towards the future—that was my mantra. But how could I see the future when the past kept biting me in the ass?

  “I’ve been seeing someone,” she said. “He treats me like a princess, but I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to screw this up.”

  “If he feels the way you do, you won’t screw it up. Some things have a way of working out. Relationships are hard. It’s trying to find that right balance, enjoy each other’s company, be considerate of each other’s feelings and most importantly trust and honesty. Without it you’ve got nothing.”

  Sheesh, talk about channeling my inner Dr.Phil.

  “Perhaps I should hire you as my shrink?” She laughed. “I don’t remember the last time I was smiling so much, not since George and I first started dating. Maybe I do deserve this. If George wants a different girl on his arm every week then so be it. I want more, Charlie. I want a real man.”

  Smiling and laughter couldn’t exist in my world. There was no longer a blank canvas ready to paint a future. Instead there was this painting of a man and a woman and the history behind it was too much to paint over. It could never be the same, yet I allowed myself to remember the pieces of the past. These pieces brought me so much happiness, the moments that stuck in my head. First loves, they always stick with you. Maybe that’s what this was, this unwarranted pining for him. That first love feeling.

  But the truth behind it was, I didn’t trust Lex and I wasn’t honest with him, therefore we had nothing. Why was that the most gut wrenching feeling in the world right now?

  May 2005

  I sat in the waiting room a nervous wreck. I had heard enough hor
ror stories to know that unprotected sex led to teen pregnancy and I couldn’t have thought of anything worse at eighteen. After a sleepless night, I decided to bite the bullet and drive to a clinic the next town over so the doctor could prescribe me the Pill. Maybe I was jumping the gun; we hadn’t had sex yet but it was inevitable. He was twenty-three and anytime I was near him his cock practically waved hello and invited me over for tea and crumpets.

  “So, Charlotte, how can I help you today?” Doctor Hanson asked.

  “I…uh…want to go on the Pill.”

  “Charlotte, before we continue, do you have any concerns with my intern sitting in?”

  “Uh…no. If it helps the medical community then it’s fine with me.”

  He left the room and I sat there for a few minutes playing with a model of the human body that sat on his desk. As the door opened, I fumbled with the heart which fell to the ground. Surely I wasn’t the only one who touched this? I reached down to pick it up thinking this couldn’t be any more embarrassing until a hand reached it before mine. I recognized the hand immediately.

  Fuck. Me. SIDEWAYS.

  I looked up into eyes that belonged to Alex. This was not happening; it had to be a dream. Wake up, Charlie! For fuck’s sake, wake up!

  “Charlotte, this is my stand intern, Dr. Alex Edwards. Now let’s continue our discussion. Charlotte, are you sexually active?”

  I could not have thought of anything worse right now. I knew my face was as a red as a beetroot. There was simply no way out of this. Just answer his questions and get the hell out of here.

  “Um, yes…I mean, no…maybe.”

  “Perhaps I need to rephrase my question. Have you had sexual intercourse?” Dr. Hanson asked.

  “Yes.”

  “More than once?”

  “Yes.”

  “How many sexual partners have you had?”

  I couldn’t look his way. My body had already crawled into a dark hole, my brain just waiting for an opening to follow. “Only one.”

  “Will you be continuing to have sexual intercourse with this person?”

  “Definitely not.”

  “Did you use protection such as condoms?”

  The hole was getting darker and darker and I wanted to climb up and curl into the fetal position. How on Earth could I be this unlucky? I looked his way. There was no doubt he was trying to hide the smirk on his face. I didn’t know if I should be laughing or calling him a jerk right now. “Yes, Dr Hanson.”

  “That’s a very responsible attitude, Charlotte. I understand if these questions seem personal however it is my responsibility to make sure you are educated on everything associated with being sexually active.”

  Oh dear God, what the hell was he going to ask me now? If it had anything to do with my vagina, I would be out of here like shit off a stick.

  “I’m guessing your intention is to be intimate with a specific person at this stage. Charlotte, how much do you know of their sexual history?” Dr. Hanson asked.

  How the tables had turned. Now I was going to be discussing the questions I had so desperately wanted answers to but had no balls to ask. “To be honest, I think he’s slept around a lot,” I answered staring right at Alex. His smirk disappeared and now he looked like he could crawl into that hole with me and die. Although we wouldn’t die in there, we would be using all our time to procreate and populate the dark hole.

  “Is he still behaving this way?” Dr. Hanson asked concernedly.

  “No, he was with someone long-term.”

  “Is he still sexual active with her?”

  “I’m not sure, Dr. Hanson. He is a man after all.” I searched his face, looking for the answer that would reassure me and ease the ache in my gut that appeared anytime I thought of them having sex.

  “I strongly suggest you use both condoms and the Pill. Sexually transmitted diseases are easier to catch than you may think.” He scribbled some notes and handed the chart to Alex. “Everything looks fine to me. I’ll leave you with Dr. Edwards to check your blood pressure and write up your prescription. It was nice to meet you, Charlotte.” He closed the door and now I had no choice but to deal with the most embarrassing situation in my entire life, worse than the time my dress accidently flew up in first grade and everyone saw my Strawberry Shortcake underwear.

  Alex grinned as he placed the blood pressure machine around my arm. “So I’m a player, am I?”

  “More like a man-whore. I hate you right now…you know that, right?”

  “Aww no you don’t, you love me right now, otherwise why would you be here getting a prescription for the Pill in case your sexual activity picks up?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re a jerk.”

  He removed the blood pressure machine and wrote something on his chart. Placing it down on the table, he wheeled his chair so he was right in front of me.

  “Since when do you work here? I thought you just intern at the hospital?”

  “They were short-staffed.” He paused before grabbing a lock of my hair and pushing it behind my ear. “So tell me, Charlotte, are we doing this?”

  “This?”

  I could see he was trying to find the right words until he finally responded. “You came here today to make sure you were protected, that we were protected…”

  “I just wanted to make sure, you know…just in case…”

  He leaned over my shoulder and turned the lock on the door. He pulled himself back and placed his lips on my mine, hungry for the very reason I was here. Surely this was fate, right? Following my instincts and ending up here of all places?

  “I have never wanted anything more, Charlotte. You have to believe me.”

  I looked into his eyes, those pools of emerald green pleading with me to understand that his desire drove him to this insanity that was becoming us. I placed my arms around his neck and pulled him into me, hoping this gave him the reassurance he needed. “I believe you. And anyway, if it wasn’t your words that told me, it was the General saluting me right now.”

  He placed his forehead against mine “You are crazy.”

  “Insane is the word you are looking for,” I corrected.

  Laughing, he stood up and unlocked the door. I followed his lead before he turned around and ripped the paper off the pad. “Here you go, Miss Mason. The reason you came. Hope you have fun,” he teased.

  “Thank you, Dr. Edwards. I’m sure the pleasure won’t be all mine.” And with that I walked out, accompanied by the swarm of butterflies that formed in my stomach, making it impossible to hide the huge grin on my face.

  Chapter 16

  Lex

  I sat at my desk trying to make sense of what had happened when I was in New York. As soon as I said I was heading back to London, our lighthearted conversation had suddenly turned sour. Her demeanor changed, her lie about being busy barely believable. She no longer wanted to speak to me and I didn’t know why. She rushed out so fast I had no time to ask her what the hell I did wrong.

  The flight back to London felt like the longest five hours of my life. The last few days had been a whirlwind and everything I had become suddenly meant nothing. People used to tell me that time heals all wounds, but what the fuck did they know about me? I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I could barely breathe. I left her, again. It was only for two weeks, but time didn’t matter. I ran my fingers through my hair trying to get a grip on things. Fuck, someone tell me how to make things right with her!

  I was in the office early to prepare for an important meeting we had today. It was only six o’clock here in London but I decided I would email her anyway, apologizing for my sudden departure.

  * * *

  From: Lex Edwards

  Subject: More brownies?

  Sent: September 25, 2012 6:03 AM

  To: Charlotte Mason

  Charlotte,

  I’m sorry I had to leave for London.

  Can I make it up to you with more Brownies?

  I think next time you will reme
mber how much you like them.

  Lex Edwards

  * * *

  From: Charlotte Mason

  Subject: Sweet Tooth

  Sent: September 25, 2012 12:15 PM

  To: Lex Edwards

  Lex,

  The brownies were great, fantastic just as I remembered them.

  My problem is that, I hadn’t had them for a while and suddenly they were on my plate. While not eating said Brownies I found that there were other desserts I enjoyed as well.

  Charlotte Mason

  * * *

  I didn’t know what game she was playing but I could have smashed my cell when I read that email. It didn’t help that it came in the middle of an important meeting with a new client of ours. I could have signed away the rights to Lexed for all I knew. Thank god I had a great executive team working for me. The day went downhill after that comment.

  As the meeting ended, Kate walked over to me. “Mr. Edwards, is everything OK?”

  I knew she was sincere but what was I supposed to say? My ex-girlfriend who I still have feelings for thinks her current beau is better than me and it makes my blood boil to think they are fucking? I couldn’t have imagined anything more juvenile.

  “Just a few things I need to take care of.”

  I walked back into my office. Kate knew better than to follow me. My office was my sanctuary, off limits to anyone unless I had given permission for them to enter. I sat at my large desk; it was neatly organized because I was such a control freak. My computer screen was opened to my inbox. I scrolled through, different day but same old bullshit. My mind definitely was not on the job today.

  I knew nothing about her. Well, not nothing exactly. I knew she was a lawyer and then there was the information that Bryce had given me, but I still knew nothing about her personal life. I tapped my pen on my desk, frustrated that I was getting nowhere. Maybe I was going about this the wrong way; maybe I needed to scour social media. I opened up a Facebook page, something I personally didn’t have because I didn’t have time to talk to people from fucking ten years ago.