by Kat T. Masen
I grabbed his hand for support and pulled myself up. Looking into his eyes I could see that something passed between us. I knew that no one had fucked me like him; no one had ever made me climax so hard that I swore it was like an out of body experience. We were having fun and I didn’t want to ruin it by all by mixing in this emotional bullshit.
As I steadied myself I took in my surroundings. The view was incredible. The ocean was dark but the sounds of the waves crashing echoed through the night. “Wow, this is amazing. How did you know about this place?” I asked.
“Google Maps.” He laughed.
“Oh, I thought this was your go-to-make-out-with-girls place,” I teased.
“It is now.” He pulled me into an embrace and kissed me. I pulled away afraid again. I wasn’t sure if he noticed or even cared but he held onto my hand. He found a spot near the edge of the cliff and asked me to sit. I sat down on a small piece of grass admiring the view of the ocean and the lights of the Hamptons. He sat behind me, pulling me in to keep me warm. “Remember how I promised you on that prom night years ago how we would watch the sunrise?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Let’s do that tonight... Let’s stay here and watch the sunrise.”
“Lex... I...” I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t ready for the emotional attachment of things. He was pushing me and I didn’t like to be pushed. It frightened me, made me feel weak, taking me back to that dark place again.
“Charlotte, don’t...just let us have this moment.”
I sat there quietly, my mind flashing back to the big fight we had the week before prom.
“Prom, now that was a night to remember…” he trailed off.
“I remember our big fight before it too,” I mumbled.
“Charlotte. You know I never slept with Samantha while we were together, right? She told me when she confessed about the baby that I was so wasted that night, she did try but it was impossible.”
“I believe her,” I said. Samantha and I had come to a truce and sort of became friends not that Lex would ever be happy with that. I knew she wouldn’t lie about that but again it boiled down to trust. The fact that he stayed married, that he thought he may have slept with her. That was enough to break me, to break us.
“But you still don’t trust me?” he huffed.
“Lex, my life fell apart when you left. To hear these rumors that she was pregnant, to find out from Adriana that you had left town and I couldn’t contact you. I had no closure. I was left picking up the pieces of what I thought was the greatest love of all time. I felt betrayed. I was the laughing stock of the town and to have to confront my dad? He literally wanted to hunt you down and kill you. It took me so long to find my grounding, to build my life again and to be able to trust anyone. It wasn’t just you I lost, there was also Adriana. She was my best friend for as long as I could remember. And Logan? You can hate him as much as you want but he brought me back to life. He made me function as a human being again. Made me laugh for the first time, granted it was a funny situation but he always had my back and I loved him like a brother. You may not have seen that side of him but he always took care of me. My poor grandmother glued me back together as complete as I could be. She taught me about life and moving on. To achieve and to have the ability to be able to dream and aspire again. I wouldn’t be sitting here with you if it wasn’t for her. As for Julian, for the first time since you left me, he made me realize that I could love again.”
“So, you still love him?” he interrupted me. Of course he would.
“He made me smile again, made me realize that I couldn’t go on waiting for a clone of you to walk back into my life. I know you hate him, and I know you want me to end all ties but Lex, you need to give me time to make this decision on my own. Do I trust him? Yes I do because he hasn’t given me any reason not to, but you made me lose all trust in you, in us. You want me, Lex? Then give me time. Don’t push me, because you might not like the answer.”
“And how do you think Mr. Trustworthy would handle knowing that you spent your weekend fucking me?”
“My relationship with Julian is just that, between the two of us. Okay, so yeah, it was my fault for this nothing’s off limits thing but well…” I searched for a reason to justify my impulsive behavior. There was no reason other than the fact that I was a horny little bitch who needed my fix.
“Yeah, I get it. The rabbit broke and you needed cock,” he answered a little hurt.
“No Lex, it’s not like that… Please don’t get me wrong… Oh shit, let me pull my feet out of my mouth.” This was going downhill very fast. “I just needed you…physically.”
“Like I said.” He stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans.
“Lex, you know it’s not like that—”
He cut me off, handing me the helmet. “Let’s head back before sunrise.”
“But I thought you wanted to watch it?”
“I suddenly changed my mind,” he answered coldly.
The ride back seemed awfully fast. I checked the speedometer a few times and he was way over the legal limit. As we got back to the property it was obvious he had the shits with me. He said he was tired and was heading to bed. I didn’t dare follow him. Instead I sat on the porch knowing that I was well and truly in the wrong. Yes, I was still hurt but tonight I had no right to trample all over his obviously hurt feelings even though I had no idea guys could be offended like that. I had to somehow make this right but the weight of tonight events suddenly felt enormous. I pulled my sorry ass to bed and fell asleep just before sunrise.
I felt my body moving, like I was lying on a trampoline. What the hell was this dream about? It happened again but this time I opened my eyes, there was jumping and it was waking me up from my deep slumber. I was just about to yell when it dawned on me that it was Will…or no, it was Rocky.
“Rocky, what the fuck?” I groaned. He was standing on my bed jumping like a fucking four-year-old. Except he was making moaning sounds and screaming my name.
“ROCKY ROMANO GET THE FUCK OFF MY BED!” I was exhausted. He continued jumping until I got up and pushed him off the bed.
“Are you kidding me? Plus, I don’t sound like that…moron.”
He stood up laughing as he walked out of the room scratching his ass. I decided to have a quick shower to wake myself up but a quick shower turned into a much longer one and I think I may have accidently fallen asleep in there. I finally got dressed and headed to the kitchen. The house was quiet and I wondered what everyone was up to. “Morning, Elijah. Where is everyone? Apart from Gorilla over here,” I said pointing to Rocky who was doing the maze that was on the back of the cereal box. He let out a big “no” when he realized it was a dead-end. Seriously, even Will could have done that with his eyes closed.
“Adriana and Bull’s went to the markets and Lex and Will are playing on the beach.”
I quickly ate a piece of toast and headed out to the beach. A few minutes later I stood there by the bushes watching Lex play football with Will. He looked so content, teaching Will how to kick, the laughter that came off them when Will tackled Lex. At that moment my heart broke a little. Was this all my fault? Yes, Lex left me but I made it nearly impossible for him to find me again. He did what was expected of him back then and I acted like a spoiled teen annoyed that he chose someone else. He was different now, he truly was a man. A wonderful man. He had given me no reason at all not to trust him so why did I still have this nagging feeling inside? Lex caught sight of me. I walked down to where they were playing.
“Hi Cha Cha! Lex taught me how to tackle and do a scrum thing.”
“I can see. If you go pro you would make your daddy a very happy man.”
He ran off to where the towels were to grab a drink. It gave Lex and I a moment together in which I had no idea what to say. I probably should start with saying sorry since I was in the wrong. “Lex about last night—”
“Nothing left to be said, Charlie. You made your feelings clear. I�
�m giving you space and time. I’m not pushing you anymore.”
“You called me Charlie…”
“That’s what everyone else calls you. I am like everybody else, just a friend,” he answered coldly.
The words hurt. No, he wasn’t pushing me but why all of a sudden did I want to be pushed? Why did I want him to tell me I was his and only his and most importantly I wanted him to call me Charlotte. He wasn’t like everyone else. Will interrupted us asking to go into the water. I agreed and stripped off my clothes wearing only this white ruffled bikini. I caught Lex looking me up and down. I had to admit it felt nice that he couldn’t completely ignore me.
We jumped into the waves. Will was having the time of his life. Lex piggybacked him, taking him a little further which made me slightly nervous but there were lifeguards out so I stopped worrying about it. An hour later we decided to head back for lunch. I was seriously exhausted. I couldn’t shake this tired feeling and knew I would have to sneak in a ‘nana nap’ somewhere today.
Back at the house we jumped into the pool while Elijah barbequed some burgers. Rocky was having swimming races with Will. Bull’s and Adriana came back from the markets sporting their new sun hats. I swear it was a hilarious sight, especially because the hats were bigger than planet Jupiter. Lex had left, where to I wasn’t sure. After lunch I felt extremely drowsy so I decided to head to my room to take a nap. I dozed off almost instantly to be awoken by Bull’s. It was a little after four when she woke me.
“Charlie, are you feeling okay?”
I mumbled something then opened my eyes. “Yeah, just barely any sleep the past two nights.”
“Plus I think you may have sunstroke.” She giggled, pulling my tank top aside. Holy cow I was burned! I usually tanned but in the midst of this morning’s mayhem I forgot to put sunblock on. I groaned at the sight of the redness. Hopefully with an overdose of aloe vera I would tan over.
“Is Lex back yet from wherever he went?” I asked quietly.
“Yes he is. In his room,” she answered before walking out.
I grabbed the aloe vera and walked over to his room. Knocking on his door he answered to come in. I opened the door and found him sitting up in bed with his laptop. “You have a minute?” I asked hesitantly.
He closed his laptop and put it on the nightstand. This distance thing was as wide as the Grand Canyon and it was driving me crazy but I couldn’t jump him, not after he thought I was just using him.
“Working while on vacation?” I chuckled.
“Yes, sadly there were certain matters that needed to be taken care of.” He sounded cold, not the loveable, playful Lex from yesterday. It pained me that I caused this. That he climbed back into that cold lonely shell that Adriana said he was living in for years before I came back.
“I need a favor,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “As you can see my back is burned to a crisp. The girls are out and well I don’t want to ask Rocky with his lady hands to help me. Would you mind?” I held out the cream.
He looked like he was wrestling with the decision but eventually took the cream and patted for me to sit down in front of him. I sat there and removed my tank top revealing just my bikini top. My skin felt like it was on fire and as soon as the cream touched me I yelped at the coolness. He rubbed his hands over me. Closing my eyes, I focused on his touch. How smooth they were.
“Lex…” I turned around to face him. He placed the lid on the bottle and gazed into my eyes. He looked so distant and I fucking hated myself for making him feel like this. “Please listen to me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things. I didn’t even mean half of it… I…” What was it that I wanted to say? “I’m trying so hard here, Lex. Yes, I want you physically but there is so much more. You aren’t just someone I picked up off the street and fucked so no I don’t only want you for that. I’m sorry that I made you feel that way. I just need—”
“Time, I get it.” He jumped off the bed and announced that he was going to help Elijah in the kitchen.
…
“Rocky, where on Earth do you find these jokes?” Adriana asked. We were sitting on the beach with a bonfire, Rocky as usual making us all laugh with his crude jokes. Thank God Will had stayed at a friend’s house next door, because Rocky held nothing back. Zero filter!
“I don’t know…Twitter and other social media.”
“Oh that’s right. The one you put on there the other day was so gross.” Adriana cringed.
“You liked the status!” he roared. We all laughed but I couldn’t help but notice how quiet Lex was. “Dude, are you on Facebook?” Rocky asked Lex.
“No, I don’t really have time for that stuff.”
“But what about all the hotties in high school? Ya gotta give Charlie a run for her money.”
I sat there silently waiting for him to respond to Rocky’s question.
“The chicks in my high school were nothing special. The ones in college no better,” he mumbled.
“Then why did you marry Samantha?” I blurted out. He shot me a look. Shit! Me and my stupid big mouth. This wasn’t the discussion to be having at the bonfire in front of everyone. But I never knew the whole story and now I wanted to know.
“I thought I loved her.” His eyes were low as he answered.
“How long were you guys married for?” Bull’s asked which caught me by surprise. Why was she suddenly nice to him?
“Married for a year and a half. Together for three years.”
“How did you propose?” she asked. What the fuck? Why was Bull’s asking these questions?
He stared blankly at the fire and remained silent. He wasn’t the type of person to open up about his feelings so I expected him to tell her to mind her own business. You could imagine my shock when he actually told the story.
“She loved animals. She wanted to study to be a veterinarian but her father said there was no money involved so he made her study business. A friend of mine knew the owner of the San Diego Zoo. We planned a weekend away and I organized a private viewing of the zoo. Her favorite animal was the sloth. We went to the area where they were located and she was in awe with a baby sloth. It was friendly and the zookeeper allowed her to hold it. She was happy of course but asked why the sloth had to wear a collar if it was in a monitored habitat. She undid the collar and low and behold the ring box was attached. I got down on my knee and the rest is history.”
“Dude, that is one rockin’ proposal!” Rocky cheered.
“Yes, only marginally better than proposing when your girlfriend is riding you in the back of your truck?” Bull’s teased.
“Well, you said yes. Can’t have been all that bad.” Rocky winked. Bull’s smirked and kept her mouth shut.
It was a beautiful story even though my heart sank right to the bottom of the ocean as he told it. I couldn’t take it anymore so I excused myself and went back to the house. I found my keys, license and jacket, then I walked to the front of the house where my bike was sitting. The helmets sat on the handle bars so I grabbed one placing the other on the porch and walked back to my bike and jumped on. Just the sound of engine roaring was enough to soothe me. As I adjusted my helmet I felt arms wrap around me. I didn't have to turn around to look, it was him. I could see in my rearview mirror he had placed his helmet on. With his arms wrapped tight around me I drove off. I didn't want to go to the spot where we went last night so instead I drove to another beach not too far away. I knew I was speeding but I was suddenly pissed off. As I pulled into the beach and stopped the bike, I abruptly jumped off, ferociously removing my helmet.
“Why the fuck did you get on the bike?” I yelled.
“Charlotte, please. I’m—”
“No, Lex,” I interrupted. “I’m done! I’m so tired. I cannot play this game anymore. It’s too tiring. Things with Jul...”
“What are you going to say about Julian? Is that what it’s come down to now? You can’t handle us so you pick Julian?”
“Lex, we’re too complicated.”<
br />
“And so because it isn’t with him you think that’s love?”
“I never said that.”
“Well, Charlotte. I. Fucking. Love. You. I’ve always loved you. You know, you have hurt me too and here I am trying to fight for us even though you keep pushing me away. You tell me it’s between me and him, well here I am. Say it once and for all to my face and I swear if you choose him, I will walk away. You’ll never have to see me ever again.”
I stood there silently. I wasn’t one to cry but I couldn’t stop the tears that fell down my cheeks. He pulled me in tight and I knew in that embrace I couldn’t let him walk away because if he did, I would blame myself for the rest of my life. “Lex, I’m so scared of losing you again.”
“Charlotte…look at me…please.” He cupped my chin and lifted my head. I stared into his eyes. They shone so bright, capturing me, taking me to that special place that was once held and would hold for me again. “You won’t. I won’t let that happen to us.” He leaned in to kiss the tears off my cheek. I don’t know how long we stood there for, but I couldn’t let go, I didn’t want to let go. He pulled me to the beach and we sat there in the sand, his arms around me.
“Lex, did you ever think about leaving her…for me?”
“All the damn time. I would replay the conversation in my head, have it all planned out. I was reaching my breaking point. I knew how many lives it would affect but I didn’t care. The day I had planned to tell her, she dropped the bombshell. I couldn’t believe how much I hated her at that moment. My parents and Adriana were so happy. When she went to hospital because she was in pain. After the stories my mother told me about losing a baby, I knew that if anything was to happen, it would be all my fault.”
I froze, unable to comprehend what he said. With every fiber in my being I attempted to change the subject. I was weak, I knew that. Life was cruel, I learned that the hard way, but opening up that dark cruel world was no way to start anew.
“I felt so pressured, Charlotte. No control over my life whatsoever.” He held me tighter. “I might be a control freak now but the decisions I make are all mine, I have no one to answer to but myself. I thought that was how I wanted to live but without you, there is no life. You need to know that all I want is you.”
