Out of Control

by Sarah Alderson

  I watch him wrestle with whatever remnants of self-control he has left and perhaps it isn’t fair, but I don’t care – it’s not a one-night stand if you know you’ll hold that person in your heart for the rest of your life – I lean into him and, rising on tiptoe, I kiss him.

  He resists for about two seconds but then his lips part and his arms come around my waist, drawing me against him and holding me fast, and the energy in the room ignites in a blaze. When I stand on the edge of a roof, stars shoot through my veins. But that has nothing on this. This is comets and meteors.

  We’re on the sofa before I’m even aware of having moved. Jay must have carried me. His hands push back my wet hair and he holds my face as he lays kisses across my eyelids and jaw and down my neck to my shoulder, where he pulls back, frowning in anger at my bruise. I shake my head at him – I don’t want him to get distracted – and pull him back down to kiss me, pausing only to tear at his T-shirt, pulling it over his head so I can run my hands over his bare skin, feeling his skin contract in a shiver.

  Our kisses are frantic, laced with urgency and a million things I can’t even name, can’t even catch hold of before another sensation takes over. It’s like an overwhelming, all-consuming need to own the other person completely, to come undone at their hands. And I realise that the thing that makes this different is not just about the circumstances we’re in, the adrenaline we’re both drenched with, it’s trust. I trust Jay. Which is why I can let the barriers down. All of them.

  ‘Are you sure?’ Jay asks me, when I don’t feel like my body can contain me any more and I’m going to burst out my skin.

  ‘Yes,’ I say, my eyes locked on his.

  He releases the knot of my towel and slides it open, drawing in a breath. I watch the expression on his face, as it slides from wonder to something darker, altogether hungrier.

  ‘You’re beautiful,’ he says, as his hand traces a path over my hip and down the length of my thigh.

  I shiver and he pulls me closer against his chest and he kisses me, and the rush is so intense that it drowns every other feeling and every thought. I’m wrestling with the buttons on Jay’s jeans when a knock on the door tears us apart. Jay leaps to his feet and I instantly pull the towel around myself. My heart is beating wildly and I stagger up on to my knees, reaching for my clothes, for the gun, but my fingers are clumsy as panic takes flight in my chest.

  ‘Jay?’ a guy yells.

  Jay moves like lightning to the door and I have to shout at him to stop as he draws back the bolts. I’m naked, save the towel I have pressed to myself.

  He waits for me to pull on the little black dress before he draws back the bolt and opens the door.

  A guy who looks like Jay, only taller and skinnier with longer hair, bursts past him into the apartment. One look tells me what I already had guessed. It’s Teo. He stops short when he sees me and turns back to Jay, a look of surprise on his face.

  ‘Teo, where the hell you been, man? We were looking all over for you,’ Jay asks.

  ‘Where have you been?’ Teo shouts back defensively. His eyes, which are bloodshot and ringed with dark circles, dart in my direction. ‘And who’s she?’ he asks.

  ‘This is Liva,’ Jay says as he pulls on his T-shirt. He shoots me a look I can’t quite read. Apologetic, regretful, sad? ‘Liva, this is Teo.’ Definitely not happy.

  ‘Hey,’ I say, equally unhappy.

  ‘We gotta talk,’ Teo says to Jay, turning his back on me. He’s bouncing on the balls of his feet, agitated and on edge, and I wonder if he’s high.

  ‘Yeah, tell me about it,’ mutters Jay. ‘That’s why I’ve been looking for you all night. I called and called. You weren’t picking up.’

  ‘Well, I’m here now,’ Teo answers, his voice rising defensively. ‘Someone told me you were trying to find me. I was lying low.’ He pauses, flicking a look my way before dropping his voice. ‘What happened last night?’ he asks.

  I move quietly towards the window. He’s making me nervous with all his jerky movements, and I want to check that he came alone. I pull the curtain aside, but apart from a few parked cars the street is empty. It must be nearly two a.m. Maybe later.

  ‘I got busted,’ Jay tells Teo.

  ‘I heard. So what you doing out?’

  ‘We were in the police station that got shot up last night.’

  Teo’s face pales. ‘Oh, man . . .’ he says.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Jay cuts him off. ‘But the police are looking for me. I’m going to hand myself in tomorrow.’

  ‘Woah, woah . . .’ Teo starts pacing the small apartment, clutching his head in his hands. ‘No, man, we can figure something out.’

  ‘Teo, I did the crime . . . you know how it goes.’

  Teo comes to a sudden halt in front of Jay. ‘No,’ he says, his eyes frighteningly big in his head. ‘You don’t get it. The Blades – they say I need to pay for fucking up.’

  ‘What?’ Jay says, instantly alert.

  ‘They’re blaming me, you know?’ Teo rattles on. ‘Say these guys had paid them already for the job and because you messed it up we gotta pay. I gotta pay.’

  ‘Teo, Teo,’ Jay says, putting his hands on Teo’s shoulders and trying to calm him down, ‘you’re not making any sense. What guys are you talking about? Who paid them for the job?’

  Teo’s eyes are almost rolling in his head now. ‘The guys. These Russian guys – gangsters. I don’t know who they are. They paid the Blades – for the Willow Place job. You were supposed to be there to pick up a package. One a.m. You didn’t show. Now they’re pissed.’

  ‘Willow Place?’

  They both turn to me.

  My body has gone numb, ice runs through my veins. I’m amazed that my voice sounds so steady and calm because I can hardly breathe. ‘Willow Place?’ I say again. ‘That was the address?’ I stare straight at Jay. ‘That was where you supposed to be the other night?’

  They both nod and I see the line of confusion running like a fault line between Jay’s eyes.

  ‘What was the package?’ I ask, my voice firmer now.

  Teo glances at Jay, trying to figure out who I am and why I’m asking.

  I see the crease of confusion smooth away as Jay figures it out. A look of pure horror crosses his face. ‘Willow Place? Was that the place you were staying?’ he asks, his voice a rasp.

  I nod slowly.

  ‘It was you,’ he says, reeling back as though I’ve dropkicked him.

  I think my knees are going to give way.

  Jay suddenly slams Teo against the wall. ‘What was the goddamn package?’ he yells at him. ‘What were you supposed to pick up?’

  Teo doesn’t bother fighting back. He has a couple of inches on Jay but he’s no match in terms of strength. ‘I don’t know, bro,’ he says, his voice high-pitched as a girl’s. ‘They didn’t say. Just told me to be there at one a.m. And that I had to drive wherever they told me to go.’

  ‘Was it a person? Did they say that you’d be picking up a person?’

  ‘I don’t know!’ Teo screams.

  The muscles in Jay’s neck are thick as ropes and his teeth are bared.

  ‘But I heard them say something,’ Teo says, his eyes darting wildly about the room as he struggles for breath.

  Jay releases his hold just enough to let Teo speak. ‘What?’ he growls.

  ‘They said something about keeping our hands off the package because it was valuable.’

  My legs buckle and I fall to my knees. Jay stares at Teo for several seconds before he releases him, taking several steps back, still staring at him like he’s fighting the urge to smash him into the wall again. He walks to me and puts his hand under my arm to help me to my feet, but I smack it away and lurch to my feet. ‘Get off me!’ I yell.

  ‘Liva,’ he says, jerking back in surprise.

  I back away, putting distance between us, trying to think, trying to figure out what it all means.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Teo asks, hugging his a
rms around his skinny torso. It sounds like he’s about to burst into tears, and I have an overwhelming urge to smack him in the face.

  Jay acts like Teo isn’t even in the room. He takes a step towards me, fully focussed only on me. ‘Liva,’ he says again, in a low voice, ‘I didn’t know.’

  ‘What?’ Teo asks again then he stops, his arms falling to his sides. ‘Woah,’ he says. ‘Are you saying she’s the girl? She’s the one they want? She’s the package?’

  ‘I trusted you,’ I say to Jay, ignoring Teo.

  Jay’s expression is one part fear and three parts despair.

  I keep my gaze fixed on him as I reach to the floor and pick up Marisa’s sandals and my gun, which lies on the table by the sofa. My hands are shaking so hard I can barely keep hold of it. I stretch over the sofa and grab the go-bag and I start edging towards the door. Jay follows me the whole time, at a distance, his face pleading, desperate.

  ‘Liva,’ Jay says one last time, his voice barely above a whisper.

  As I reach the door, Teo darts in front of it.

  ‘Get out of my way,’ I tell Teo, through a film of tears.

  ‘No way,’ he says. His body is jerking with adrenaline and nerves and possibly withdrawal. He looks at Jay. ‘We could take her now. Take her straight to them. Get them off our backs.’

  I stare at Teo, wondering for a brief moment if he’s joking, before realising he actually means it. He means to stop me from leaving. And not just that, he’s wanting to hand me over to the same people who just murdered a dozen people in cold blood. I look over my shoulder at Jay and for one incredible second I actually think he might be about to side with Teo, but then his face transforms, despair giving way to blind fury.

  ‘Get out the way, Teo,’ he snarls.

  ‘No way, man,’ Teo says, shaking his head. He grabs hold of the top of my arm and shoves me back into the room. I stumble against the table and let out a cry.

  Everything that happens next is a blur. Jay moves fast, ramming his fist into Teo’s gut, slamming him against the wall. Teo grunts and starts trying to kick out, but Jay has him pinned there and is yelling at him.

  I don’t wait to see what happens next or to listen to what he’s saying. I just reach for the door, pull it open and dive down the stairs.

  34

  I slam into the door at the bottom and yank it open, falling on to the street in a tumult of tears and adrenaline. I’m barefoot, in Queens, all alone, and it’s the middle of the night. All I can think is that I need to move. I need to get out of here. But where? And how?

  An arm suddenly comes around my waist, another around the top of my arms, pinning them to my sides. I let out a scream which becomes a cry as a sharp pain shoots up my wrist. I drop the gun I had been holding. It clatters to the sidewalk. I buck and try to kick backwards at whoever has me.

  ‘Woah, calm down. It’s me. It’s only me.’

  The hand around my chest loosens. I jerk my head hard around and in the harsh green light from the neon pizza sign in the window behind, I see that it’s Agent Kassel.

  She lets me go and I scrabble backwards, eyes darting left and right. ‘What do you want?’ I choke out. I’m hunched forward, as though on a starting block, my knees bent, ready to run.

  I register the click of a car door behind me and then footsteps. I turn. It’s Agent Parker. He isn’t wearing his shades and I see a deep scratch across his forehead. Probably from the car crash earlier. His face remains blank as he strolls up behind me, cutting off my retreat. He shoves his hands deep into his pockets and I wonder at the gesture, what it’s designed to do, because though on the one hand it seems to suggest that he’s not going to hurt me, the gesture also offers me a good look at the leather gun holster under his arm.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I ask them, my heart still pounding.

  ‘You’re a hard person to trace, Olivia,’ Agent Kassel answers, reaching to pick my gun up off the sidewalk.

  ‘Get in the car,’ Agent Parker says, opening the rear door of their black sedan. ‘And we’ll explain.’

  I take one last glance up the street. Then back at the door leading up to Marisa’s apartment.

  ‘Come on, Olivia.’

  I stare into the darkened interior of the car and then I glance at the gun in Agent Kassel’s hand. What choice do I have? I can’t run. I’m barefoot. I sure as hell can’t go back inside. I’ll lead them straight to Jay. So I do their bidding. I slide across the cool leather seat and hear the solid click of the door as they shut it behind me and the lock thumps into place.

  Agent Kassel has joined me in the back. As Agent Parker puts the car in gear and starts driving she turns to me. ‘Where’s Jaime Moreno?’ she asks. ‘That’s who you were with, right? You escaped with him from the police station. We have the CCTV footage.’

  I don’t say anything. Silence is my only weapon right now. And despite everything, I’m not about to rat Jay out. Also I don’t want to talk, I want to try to process everything that’s just happened with Teo and what it might mean. Felix always said you had to gather as many facts as you could before you made your move. So that’s what I need to do.

  ‘Look, we know that was Jaime’s cousin’s place,’ Agent Kassel continues. ‘And we followed his brother Teodoro there.’

  I say nothing. If they found me here, does that mean the Russians will too? Is Jay safe? They’re not after him, I remind myself. They want me. And what do I care about Jay any more anyway?

  ‘Liva, we’re not interested in Jaime,’ Agent Kassel says, almost echoing my own thoughts. ‘We’ll leave that to the police. Right now we’re just interested in you. And in keeping you safe,’ she adds.

  I turn to face her at that. The safety part seemed to be very much an afterthought. And what does she mean about leaving it to the police? Are they coming for Jay even as we speak? I realise that I’m hoping that they are. Because better the police than the Russians. And even though I’m telling myself I don’t care what happens to him, of course I do.

  ‘Jay,’ I say, his name bitter on my lips. The lips that still throb and burn from his kisses. ‘I need to know he’s going to be safe.’ I look at Agent Kassel, ready to read it if she lies to me.

  ‘The police are on their way. They’re probably there already.’

  I nod, taking that in. ‘I want to get him a lawyer,’ I say.

  ‘We can talk about that later,’ Agent Kassel counters without missing a beat.

  Irritation swells inside me but I rein it in, gritting my teeth behind as cool an exterior as I can manage. I have to keep the upper hand here.

  ‘Who are you?’ I demand. ‘You’re FBI, I know that. But what’s COU? What do you do?’

  Agent Kassel smiles wryly. She must have heard about the phone call earlier.

  ‘We’ll explain when we get to where we’re going.’

  I glare at her, but she just gives me a steely smile. ‘And Jaime’s mother? You have her?’ I ask.

  She blinks at me in surprise. ‘Yes,’ she says finally, weighing her answer. ‘We took her into custody for her own protection as soon as we realised you were with Jaime.’

  ‘Is she safe?’ I ask. Protective custody isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, in my humble opinion.

  ‘She’s safe,’ Agent Kassel says. She pauses. ‘Why’d you run before?’ she asks me, her tone softening. ‘Could have saved us a whole lot of bother, you know, if you’d just come with us in the first place.’

  I frown at her. Is she seriously asking me that question? ‘A man in a police uniform is trying to kill me,’ I say as evenly as I can. ‘I’m having some issues with trust right now. Also,’ I add, ‘my father told me there was no FBI involved in the task force he works on. He was relieved about it. Said you guys were a pain in the ass when it came down to jurisdiction and getting stuff done. It’s mainly civilians, he said.’ Agent Kassel’s jaw locks. ‘You introduced yourself to me as an agent,’ I say with a light shrug. ‘I did the math.’

 
Agent Kassel opens her mouth to speak, but I continue before she can get a word in. ‘Thirdly, you pulled a gun on me. Word of advice: if you want people to trust you in future, don’t point a gun at them.’

  From up front Agent Parker clears his throat, stifling a laugh.

  ‘I’m sorry about that,’ says Agent Kassel, squaring her shoulders. ‘My priority was to get you somewhere safe. And you weren’t complying. Force was necessary.’

  I give her a look that makes her stop talking.

  ‘How did you find me on that street corner?’ I ask.

  ‘We’re tapping your father’s phone. We wanted to get to you before he sent one of his team to collect you.’

  I ponder that. I think of Jay. How he waited to see if I was OK. How different everything could have played out if he hadn’t. Then I try to push him out of my mind again. Goddamn him. I can’t believe I ever let my guard down enough to trust him, to start feeling something for him. God. I was that close to sleeping with him. I can still feel the trail of heat from his lips – a brand across my stomach, the ghost pressure of his weight pressing down on me. I shake my head, so angry I can barely see straight. Felix was right about trust and unicorn’s horns. I will never trust anyone again as long as I live.

  ‘We didn’t know that they were tapping your father’s phone too.’

  ‘Who? The guy dressed as a cop?’

  Agent Kassel nods.

  ‘Who is he? There’s two of them. They’re not police, are they?’

  ‘No. They’re not police. We’ll explain it all in due course.’

  ‘Due course?’ I shout making Agent Kassel flinch. ‘With respect, I’ve been shot at, chased and hunted by two men dressed as cops for the last twenty-four hours. Screw your due course. I want to know.’ I tip my chin towards the window. ‘Or I’ll take my chances out there, on my own.’

  She considers me. I can tell I’ve surprised her with how much I know and it’s put her on the back foot. ‘It’s complicated,’ she finally says. ‘And classified. But we need your help, Olivia.’