Attitude

by Robin Stevenson

  “Courage, passion, dedication,” Edie says, as if she is quoting, and I recognize the words from the academy website.

  I know I have the passion. I am pretty sure I have the dedication. But do I have the courage to become a dancer if it means leaving my family?

  Three

  Mrs. Harrison drops Edie and me off at the academy on Monday morning. “I’m sorry I can’t come in with you, Cassandra,” she says. “I’m running late for work, but Edie will show you around and introduce you to everyone.”

  I pick up my bag and slide out of the car. “I’ll be fine.” Edie is already halfway to the front doors, and I hurry to catch up and follow her inside.

  Girls are milling about in black leotards and tights, duffel bags slung over shoulders, shiny hair scraped up into tight buns. My heart is beating fast. I lift my chin, determined not to let anyone see how nervous I am. Edie takes me to the office, where an older woman with dyed-black hair and a lot of gold jewelry checks my name off a list. “Studio Three,” she says. “Cassandra will start off with you, Edie, so you can show her where to go. Here are name tags for you both. Just pin them to your leotards, please.”

  Edie nods and guides me down the crowded hallway, up a flight of stairs and through another set of doors. I can feel myself calm down as I step into the studio. With the mirrored wall, the double bar and the piano in the corner, it feels just like my dance classes back home. Girls are already sitting on the floor, stretching, adjusting their shoes and chatting.

  “Melissa!” Edie runs forward and throws her arms around a tall slender girl with flaming red hair. “I’ve missed you.”

  Melissa laughs. “Goof. I was only away for a week.”

  “I know, but…” She trails off and turns to me. “This is Cassie. She’s our homestay student.”

  “Hello, Cassie.” Melissa eyes me appraisingly for a long moment, then turns back to Edie. “There’s a lot of new girls, have you noticed?”

  “Are there? We just got here,” Edie says. She looks around the room and I follow her gaze, feeling a little dismayed at the size of the group. At home, there were never more than fifteen or so in a class, but there must be close to thirty girls in here. Some seem very young, not more than eleven, I’d guess; others look maybe sixteen or even older. Everyone is dressed the same—black leotards, soft shoes, the palest pink tights.

  “Good morning, girls!” A teacher walks to the front of the room, and the chatter and giggling subside. She waits for complete silence before she begins. “Welcome to the first day of the Summer Intensive. I am Diana Komlos—you can call me Diana—and I teach ballet and contemporary here at the academy. We’re going to be working hard over these next four weeks, and I am expecting you all to give one hundred percent.”

  “Yes, Diana,” some of the girls say.

  Diana is about thirty and quite elegant, with a long slender neck and white-blond hair tied back in a short ponytail instead of a bun. She speaks slowly and clearly, her eyes moving from one of us to another, and I can sense that she is already assessing us. “Martha Graham once said that dance is the hidden language of the soul,” she says. “Think about that, girls. The body doesn’t lie.”

  I wait, barely breathing, wanting to hold on to every word. I feel like she can see right into me. I drop my shoulders, lift my chin, pull in my stomach and hope that she sees whatever it is she is looking for.

  She smiles. “For this first class, we’re going to be taking things a little more slowly than we usually do,” she says. “I want to see where you are all at and what you can do, so that I know what we need to work on. Mrs. Hoffman, another one of our teachers, will be observing the first half of our class.” She gestures toward an older darkhaired woman standing just inside the door, and the woman nods at us without smiling. “I’ll be dividing you into three smaller groups, and I’ll let you know what those groups will be at the end of this class.”

  Melissa and Edie exchange looks, no doubt hoping they will be in the same group. I cross my fingers for a moment, hoping I’ll be with them and not a bunch of complete strangers.

  “Let’s get started,” Diana says, clapping her hands briskly. “Positions at the barre, everyone. First position, please.”

  I take a place at the barre behind Edie and Melissa. The smooth wood under my hand feels comfortingly familiar, and I take a deep breath before settling into the routine exercises. First position. Heels together. Turn out from the hip.

  “Think of trees,” Diana says. “Think of how they reach up for the sunlight, trying to be the tallest tree. Lift your abdomen, straighten your spine. From the hipbones up, be like a tree, stretching up.” She stands behind one girl, holding her hand an inch or so above her head. “Stretching to touch my hand…yes.” She walks on, past me, and our eyes meet in the mirror for a second. “What else do trees have?” she asks me.

  “Roots?” I say.

  “Yes. Trees also have roots. So below the hipbones, stretching down into the ground, sending your roots deep to find the water...good.”

  I focus on the stretch in my muscles, trying to get as much turnout as I can, making sure my position is perfect.

  “Iako, lovely turnout. Heels together, though—don’t be sloppy. Edie, drop your shoulders.” Diana walks down the line, pausing to correct each girl as she passes. “Julie, turn out from the hip. Nice work, Zoe, but tuck your seat in. Cassandra, make sure you keep your shoulders level.” She touches my left shoulder, pressing down lightly. “Okay, now demi-plié.”

  I bend my knees slowly, concentrating on keeping my thighs turned out.

  “Heels stay on the floor, Julie.” Diana approaches the girl behind me. “That’s it. Make sure those heels stay together.” She raises her voice to address us all. “And grand plié!”

  I take a deep breath, let my heels lift and bend my knees farther, sinking into a grand plié.

  “Very nice…” She pauses, bending to look at my name tag. “Very nice, Cassandra. Julie, a little deeper, bring your thighs parallel to the floor…that’s it. And slowly come up again, back into first position. Slowly, Edie! Don’t rush.” Diana nods at me as she passes. “Good, Kendra, good…Zoe, bring your heels back to the floor as soon as you can. Let’s see that again…yes, plié, and now rising up…heels, heels…hmm. A little better, Zoe.”

  Over the next hour, Diana takes us through a series of exercises at the barre: tendus, retirés, développés, pirouettes, arabesques and attitudes. There is a level of seriousness and intensity in the room that is pushing me to work even harder than usual. My legs are trembling, and I know I’ll be sore tomorrow.

  Finally the class is over and we are stretching, warming down. “Shake it out,” Diana says. “Shake it out.”

  Edie leans toward me. “What did you think?” she whispers.

  “It was excellent,” I say. “She’s awesome.”

  “She’s a good teacher. I hope I’m in her group.”

  “Me too.” I know without a doubt that studying with Diana is going to make me a better dancer.

  Diana is making notes on a clipboard as we pull on hoodies and slip off our shoes. Finally she looks up. “I’m sure you are all dying to know your groups for the summer. Do some stretches until ten o’clock—that’ll give me a few minutes to finalize the lists. I’ll post them on the bulletin board in the downstairs hall. Any questions, please let me know.”

  Diana leaves and we all stretch, doing splits and flexing our feet, but no one’s mind is on the exercises. Everyone’s talking and laughing, and as soon as the clock on the wall says ten, the rest of the class rushes past me, out into the hall and down the stairs. I hang back on the landing for a moment, adjusting my crooked name tag and watching them descend. From above, all I can see is the tops of their heads—dozens of girls with smooth hair pulled into tight buns. My legs are tired, but I am suddenly filled with energy, my muscles loose and springy, and I feel like I could jump right up to the ceiling, lifted by sheer excitement.

  I run down t
he stairs and join the crowd at the bulletin board. Edie grabs my arm. “You’re with us,” she says. “In Diana’s group, with me and Melissa.”

  “Good,” I say, relieved.

  Melissa raises one eyebrow. “They did it mostly by age, really. All the eleven- and twelve-year-olds are together in one group, then there’s our group, then the older girls.”

  “We don’t know how old the new girls are,” Edie points out.

  Melissa shrugs. “Mostly by age, I said. Anya, Danika, Zoe, you, me, Cassie—we’re all thirteen or fourteen or fifteen.”

  I’m trying to remember the names and failing miserably. “How many of our group are new?” I ask.

  “Lots,” Edie says. “That girl Iako, she’s new.”

  “And the American girl,” Melissa says. “You know. The one with no bun.”

  “Oh yeah. Cam, I think.” I had noticed her, and glanced at her name tag, because her dark brown hair is really short. She is tall and freckled, and her short hair looks cute. Still, it is an odd choice for a dancer, and I wonder how she will manage it for performances.

  “A couple of others, too. There are ten in our group altogether,” Melissa says, counting on her fingers. “The five of us who belong here plus Cassie and four other new girls.” She looks at me and her eyes narrow; then she turns back to Edie. “Did you notice how the teachers fuss over the new girls? They totally got all the attention.”

  “Well, I guess the teachers already know the rest of us,” Edie says.

  Melissa ignores her, beckoning imperiously to a group of dancers standing farther down the hall. Three girls approach us, the third leaping into a temps levé in arabesque as she moves across the floor. “Danika, Zoe, Anya—have you guys met Cassie? She’s staying with Edie.”

  They all nod and say hi, and I know I’m going to get the three of them mixed up. I’m really bad with names and faces. Melissa’s red hair is a gift, but Anya, Danika and Zoe all have long brown hair pulled back tightly into buns. Zoe has braces, I tell myself. Anya has streaky blond highlights. Danika is the small one with diamond stud earrings…“So,” Melissa says, “how many of us do you think will get invited to stay in the fall?”

  Zoe shrugs. “They’ll take more from the older group, probably.”

  Danika nods, her expression thoughtful. “From our group just two or three, I bet.”

  “That’s it?” I say, dismayed. “Two out of ten?”

  “At best,” Melissa says darkly. “But I can tell you right now, it won’t be Iako or Miss No-Bun. So really, it’s more like two out of eight.” She extends one leg, toes pointed and stretched out in front of her. Tendu devant, I think automatically.

  Edie giggles. “It’s like a TV show, you know? Like Survivor.”

  Danika laughs, and Zoe lowers her voice to imitate a reality-show host. “The tribe has spoken.”

  Melissa looks thoughtful. She lowers her foot to the ground. “Summer session is four weeks. So if eight people have to go, that’s two a week.”

  “Oh, come on.” I laugh, but I feel uneasy. “That’s not how it works. I mean, no one’s voting people off.”

  “Sure they are,” Melissa says. “I bet Diana and Mrs. Hoffman are talking about us right now.” She puts on a fake German accent. “Zat leetle girl—ze Chinese girl, Iako—she doesn’t have the drive, the passion. She gives up too easily.”

  “I’m pretty sure she’s from Japan,” I say. “Not China.”

  “Same difference,” Melissa says.

  “No, actually—” I start to speak, but she cuts me off.

  “The point is, Cassandra, that Iako was practically crying at the end of the class because it was too hard. Her hip was hurting.” She smirks. “A dancer has to be strong. If she can’t handle a little pain, how’s she going to cope with being a professional dancer?”

  Anya nods. “We should vote her off right now.”

  “It’s not our decision,” I tell Melissa. My heart is beating faster than usual, and I wish this conversation wasn’t happening. The last thing I want to do is make enemies. “I mean, we can vote if you want, but everyone will still be here.”

  “Will they?” Melissa’s voice is sharp, and her blue eyes are icy.

  I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck lifting, prickling. “Well, yeah, of course. And who says Diana and Mrs. Hoffman will agree with your choices? It’s their votes that will count in the end.”

  She ignores me. “Show of hands. Who thinks Iako isn’t cut out for this? Who is ready to vote her off?”

  And all around me, the hands go up. Melissa. Edie. Anya. Zoe. Danika. I clasp my own hands together behind my back. “Cassie?” Edie nudges me, her eyes wide and anxious. “Aren’t you voting?”

  I know Iako has as much right to be here as any of us. And I know what my dad would say: Just do what you know is right, Cassie, and everything else will fall into place.

  But a small voice in my head is screaming at me: You’re putting a target on your own back, Cassandra! Just go along with it! Because I can tell that Melissa is the queen bee around here, and making her mad is probably a really bad idea.

  Especially since I have to live with her best friend for the next four weeks.

  Besides, it won’t really hurt Iako if I vote. The whole thing is stupid, but it’s just a game, after all—it’s not like these votes actually count toward anything.

  I lift my hand, and Edie grins at me. I smile back, but there’s a sick feeling in my gut. Maybe they’d understand, but I know my parents wouldn’t be proud of me right now.

  “That’s six votes,” Melissa says. “Iako’s history.”

  Four

  After a short break, the ten of us are taken to have our pointe shoes checked and get new shoes if we need them. Mrs. Hoffman, who is friendlier now than she seemed earlier, takes us into a small room lined from floor to ceiling with shelves and filled with more ballet shoes than I’ve seen in my life.

  We sit on a long bench to wait our turn. I’m sitting in the middle, and Mrs. Hoffman is slowly working her way down the line. On my left are all the girls who just voted against Iako. Danika is holding out a foot for Mrs. Hoffman to inspect, Anya and Zoe are watching, and Edie is whispering with Melissa, her back turned toward me. On my right are Iako and the three other new girls. The short-haired girl, Cam, grins at me. I start to smile back. Then I remember that she’s going to be next on Melissa’s list, and a wave of hot shame makes me drop my eyes.

  Mrs. Hoffman has moved on to Anya and is fussing over her shoes. “Tch, tch. These are getting worn out. You’re not getting much support from this box anymore.”

  Anya groans. “I’ve only had them three weeks.”

  The teacher nods. “You can use some jet glue to stiffen it, maybe get a little more use from them, but you really need new ones.” She hands the shoe back and moves on to Zoe. “Ah yes, this foot I remember.”

  Zoe makes a face. “Why do I feel like that isn’t a good thing?”

  “Your second toe’s longer than your big toe. Looks like you’ve been getting blisters on that middle joint, yes?”

  “Always. Well, for the last two years anyway. Since I started on pointe.”

  I look down at Zoe’s foot and notice that her middle toes are wrapped in white tape. I started on pointe two years ago, but for the first year I didn’t do much at all. Anya’s worn-out shoes and Zoe’s taped toes make me wonder if the other girls all have more experience than I do.

  Mrs. Hoffman moves on down the line, commenting on Melissa’s feet. “Beautiful, beautiful. Lovely flexible feet, and look at that instep!” She pushes down on Melissa’s foot, increasing the curve, and I can’t help agreeing that it’s beautiful. “Take care of these high arches, dear. You’ll have to work to keep them strong. Remind me to give you some exercises.”

  “You’ve given me them before,” Melissa says.

  “And are you doing them?”

  “Yes. Well…sometimes.”

  “Every day,” Mrs. Hoffman says firm
ly. “A beautiful foot is no use if you cannot dance on it, and without strong feet, you cannot dance.”

  She checks Edie’s shoes and nods approval, and then stands in front of me. “Now for the new girls. Let’s see your feet, dears, and make sure your shoes are fitting properly.”

  I lift my right foot, and she takes it in her cool hands, flexing my arch, pushing down on my toes, feeling my ankle and heel. “A lovely neat foot,” she says and glances at my name tag. “See this, girls? Cassandra’s big toe and the next two toes are all the same length. Very square, this foot. This means that when she goes on pointe, her weight will be distributed across the three toes.”

  My cheeks warm with both pleasure and embarrassment—I hear Melissa whisper something, and a couple of the other girls snicker. Mrs. Hoffman doesn’t seem to notice. “Put these back on and let’s see you on pointe.”

  I slip my shoes back on, lace them around my ankles, stand up and rise onto my toes.

  Mrs. Hoffman squats, inspecting my feet. “Your shoes fit nicely, dear, but keep your feet straight. See this? You’re a little out on your baby toes. We call that sickling, and you don’t want to do that. The space between your feet needs to stay equal, yes?” She rests her fingers on the outsides of my heels, pressing lightly. “Like so. You must have nice straight feet.”

  I nod. “Thanks.”

  She smiles at me as I sit back down, then moves on to Iako. “May I see your foot, dear?”

  Iako holds out her foot silently. I watch her, feeling uncomfortable. “A beautiful foot,” Mrs. Hoffman says, and Iako smiles uncertainly. “Very flexible,” Mrs. Hoffman continues. “That’s good. Now put the shoes on and let’s check the fit.”

  “Sorry? I don’t…can you…” Iako’s cheeks are pink. “My English…”

  I can hear Edie and Melissa whispering.

  “Put on the shoes,” Mrs. Hoffman says again. “And stand up, dear.”