by Anna Antonia
“Gavin…Mr. Hawthorne…I apologize for my mistake. I know it’s not enough to compensate for my error, but that is why I’m leaving.”
“Unacceptable.”
Gavin turned around and walked away. Because he was still holding onto my arm, I had no choice but to follow him. He took us back into his office and sat me down.
Gavin then pulled a chair over to me and sat down too. His knees were close to mine. I knew I needed to keep my gaze up, but I just wanted to stare at the space where less than an inch separated us.
“Paige. Look at me.”
Reluctantly, I turned to him. Apparently, my boss wanted to lay into me. I didn’t blame him. If anything, my father had taught me mistakes were absolutely unacceptable. I shouldn’t have been surprised Gavin would feel the same.
What powerful man didn’t?
I sat there still as a statue and just as hard. My father had also taught me my tears and feelings were just as repugnant as my errors. He never wanted to see them and I was positive neither would Gavin.
“Tell me what’s really going on.”
“Pardon?” My fingers tightened.
“This isn’t who you’ve been all week. You don’t strike me as someone who’d fall apart over a mistake.”
That showed what Gavin Hawthorne really knew.
I was indeed the kind of person who freaked out over mistakes. That was why I didn’t make them. Ever. That was why I obsessed over making sure everything was as it needed to be.
But I couldn’t very well tell him that, could I?
“I don’t believe I’m falling apart, Mr. Hawthorne. I’m simply showing my level of commitment to you and Axis 3. I have high standards for myself because that’s what I deliver to my employer. The minute you can’t count on me is the minute my usefulness to you ends.”
I couldn’t help but notice how Gavin’s knees framed mine. I was trapped between them but strangely I liked it. It made me want to stay and sit with him longer even though I knew I should’ve already been on my way.
Or at least I would be once Gavin was finished with me. How painful this was to be near someone you shouldn’t or couldn’t have…
“Paige, I appreciate your dedication. Truly. But I need you here. You’ve been indispensable to me this week. I don’t have any complaints.”
There he went with that word again. Indispensable.
It had the power of Lorelei and like the poor sailors, I slammed straight into the rocks of my destruction. Frankly, I never wanted to hear it again in conjunction with me.
“But—”
“No. It’s time for you to listen.”
Although Gavin didn’t raise his voice, I heard the authority within it. I submitted without conscious thought.
“You made a mistake. It’s not the end of the world. Big deal. We all make them. It just shows you’re human.”
My inner self revolted against his proclamations. He didn’t understand.
Gavin continued, unaware of the storm brewing inside me.
“You’ve been working harder than I ever expected you to. It’s been a long week. Mistakes happen when a person gets tired.”
“That’s not what happened! I wasn’t tired.”
Gavin making excuses for me was far more excruciating than if he just tore into me and called me ten kinds of an idiot. This kindness or whatever it was just stretched it out. Even my father wasn’t that cruel.
He leaned back and crossed his arms. “Then what happened?”
Fuck. I couldn’t tell him I’d let myself get googly-eyed over something complimentary he’d said in passing.
“I already told you. I was sloppy.”
Gavin’s expression gave nothing away.
I sat there and returned his stare.
Although I itched to bolt while being under his regard, I wasn’t going to leave until we were done. I owed him at least that much, especially since Gavin was never going to know my real identity.
Admit it. You just don’t want him to think more badly of you than he probably already does.
“You’ve got a story to tell, Paige.”
I blanched. What did he mean?
Gavin shook his head. “Don’t worry. I don’t expect you to share. Just know that we all have things to overcome.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that unexpected bit of empathy so I kept silent.
He shifted closer. “So let me tell you how it’s going to be, Paige. You’re going to give yourself a nice, long break this weekend. Then you’re going to come in on Monday and continue to be indispensable to me. You won’t even think about quitting on me again. Got it?”
“That’s all you have to say about my error? Really?”
“Yes. Now are you going to fulfill my expectations?”
Although nothing in his voice overtly changed, there was something about his phrasing that sent a foreign tingle right through me. Confusion and self-recrimination instantly set in.
This is Melissa’s son you’re thinking about. Watch yourself!
It was one thing to find Gavin attractive. It was quite another to be attracted to him.
That wasn’t why I came to work here. I was curious, true, but more than that I wanted to work with my secret idol. I wanted to understand how he got to where he was, regardless of his start in life.
On some level I wanted to know that there was a chance for me too. That I could be better, different, than the girl who grew up alone and scared in paradise.
Being attracted to Gavin, getting cozy with feeling lust for him wasn’t okay. That was what I’d told myself ever since Wednesday night.
But my logic didn’t seem to matter.
I was intoxicated with the excitement fluttering in my tummy. My knee touched his when I shifted my thighs. I was tempted to let it stay there, but it would be wrong.
These feelings were wrong.
“Paige, where did you go?”
“I’m sorry...I didn’t hear...could you repeat that again?”
This time I couldn’t control my flush of embarrassment. Gavin noticed I zoned out and I wanted to groan. That or throw something against the wall.
Gavin reached for both my hands. I looked down at them in wonder. He had beautiful hands, like those of a musician. Or a surgeon.
Can you fix me and make me better too?
“Are you going to do what you’re told, Paige?” His gaze seemed to glow in the half-light. Marvelous. Wondrous. Beautiful. “You can’t leave me just yet. Not when I’ve grown so used to you.”
“Really?”
Gavin’s thumbs rubbed across the tops of my hands. I didn’t risk looking down just in case I drew his attention and he stopped. Generally, I didn’t care for being touched but I found that I liked being touched by him.
“Really.” Gavin smiled. I could see a dimple peeking, making me want to touch it with my lips. “You made this uncomfortable transition with Caroline bearable. More than bearable. You’ve been a pleasant surprise to say the least.”
“I’m happy to hear that. Really I am. Thank you, Gavin.”
He inched forward. I could see his gaze settle on my mouth for a second longer than polite.
Kiss me. Kiss me. Please, oh please, kiss me.
Oh God. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I stop these wicked thoughts?
Other than our interview, Gavin hadn’t shown an inkling of interest in me other than as his employee. I was probably seeing what I wanted to see.
But Wednesday was different. You were afraid only you felt it. Something was definitely there.
No. Gavin was just watching out for his PA. Temporary PA. He’d had a cab waiting for me every night since for the same reason. It wasn’t anything special. Right?
Of course not.
I was the consummate realist but here I was indulging in fantasy. What was happening to the person I’d always been?
There’s only one man who’s been able to bring fantasy into your life. And he’s here right in front of you l
ooking like an angel come to make it all better.
“Are you good now, Paige? No thoughts of quitting on me?”
“Yes to the first. No to the second.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, incapable of further speech when he squeezed my hands once.
“Okay. I want you to go home and relax. Don’t think of spreadsheets or decimals or any of the thousand and one tasks you have waiting for you. Take a walk in the park or get lost in a good book. Eat some cotton candy. Buy a pair of fluffy socks. Do whatever it is that makes you feel good.”
He made an ordinary weekend sound special. Magical even.
Oh dear God, I was in dangerous territory.
“Okay.”
Gavin smiled brightly, as if pleased with my acquiescence.
“Most importantly have fun. Then I want you to come back here on Monday ready to take on the world. Can you do that for me, Paige?”
Things were shifting inside me, things I couldn’t put neatly back in place.
I scrambled to remember the right words and tone I constructed to fit here. Paige Winters wouldn’t be so naïve as to take Gavin’s suggestions as anything more than friendly advice. She definitely wouldn’t feel that a pact formed between her and her boss.
But Paige Brookstone would.
Paige Brookstone would’ve remembered all the nights she spent in that mansion by the ocean, wondering if life would be less lonely if she had this talented and handsome person by her side.
I was neither person anymore.
Somehow in the week I’d spent here devoting my working day to Gavin, I’d married the two. Now I saw Gavin as an extraordinary man and not a benign mentor.
I saw him as someone I wanted outside of the office and more importantly, outside of girlhood fantasy.
Knowing I was going down a road less traveled, I looked Gavin straight in the eye and smiled widely.
“Yes, I can do that, Gavin.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“All right then.” Gavin stood up while still holding onto my hands. He smiled again. It blew me away. “You’re doing a phenomenal job, Paige. Remember that.”
Gavin’s praise was like water to a woman dying in the desert of life. I soaked it in and let myself believe, for a moment, he really meant it.
Phenomenal. Me?
This could be addictive.
I expected him to dismiss me and then go back to his desk. Instead, Gavin walked with me to the elevator, all the while keeping a hand low on my back. Every nerve seemingly centered right beneath the space between his palm and my skin.
Nervous desire crept into me with every heartbeat. It pounded so loudly I was afraid Gavin would be able to hear it. I stole a glance. Even in profile he was so damned beautiful.
Perfect.
Everything about him was perfect. His looks, his intelligence, his personality, the way he viewed things…the kindness he showed me tonight.
Gavin could’ve fired me. I would’ve fired me.
He didn’t. He made me believe and see I wasn’t a complete fuck-up. Later, I knew the lifelong poison would seep into me, distorting how I saw myself and everyone else.
But for now I was worthy.
“Don’t forget this.”
I automatically reached out. He dropped the key card onto my palm. Gavin then pushed the elevator button. It opened immediately. Reluctant, but careful not to betray that emotion, I walked in and turned around.
Gavin’s gaze seemed dark, focused on me in a way I’d only caught a glimpse of that first day.
And Wednesday. Don’t forget about Wednesday.
I watched as he opened his mouth and then closed it. Gavin took a step back.
“Goodnight, Paige.”
I wanted to know what he would’ve said. My imagination burned to go into overdrive.
“Goodnight, Gavin.”
The doors slid closed. Safe in the empty space, I slumped back against the wall. My hand pressed over my heart. I could feel the beat rattle and thump against my chest.
Things between us changed and I couldn’t undo that.
More importantly—I didn’t want to.
SEVEN
I spent the weekend exactly as Gavin prescribed.
I took a walk in the park. I read two novels. I ate cotton candy. I bought fluffy socks. I pampered myself with bubble baths.
I also wore my vibrator out while imagining Gavin over and under me. I came so hard each time my ears were practically ringing.
Of course, I felt guilty.
I was a sinner to think lewd and dirty things about my boss. But the guilt wasn’t strong enough to get me to stop. I’d moved from admiring Gavin to straight-up wanting him as a woman wanted a man.
But even though my lust was sinful, I was a consummate professional. I’d leave before putting Gavin in a position where his reputation was compromised.
Which meant I’d behave. No lingering glances, no flushed cheeks, no pretending my erotic fantasies had a chance in hell of ever happening.
When Monday came I was at the office bright and early. I nodded to the few people I saw, but the closer I got to my desk the harder my heart started beating.
Despite my inappropriate crush, I knew better than to think Gavin thought the same way about me as I thought about him.
He couldn’t.
Gavin Hawthorne was talented, powerful, wealthy, and gorgeous. He probably had a line of supermodels, actresses, and socialites waiting to take their place on his arm and in his bed.
Gavin wouldn’t waste time on empty basket case like myself. What else could you call someone who took his words like those from my master?
He was just trying to keep from having to deal with the unpleasant and onerous task of having to replace me on short notice.
I didn’t blame him or mistake the reason.
Still, my girlish heart didn’t seem to understand that. She wanted to believe she wasn’t the only one affected.
Maybe me too—despite my vows of perfect chastity and comportment.
I wasn’t surprised to see Gavin already in his office. I’d yet to beat him here first. I set my bag down on my desk and hung up my coat. My palms were clammy but I didn’t bother to wait until I felt more even-keeled.
I approached Gavin’s door with a pleasant smile. “Hello. Is there anything I can get you?”
He didn’t look up from his screen. “No.”
I didn’t react, but I was surprised. Gavin wasn’t always big on words but I couldn’t mistake the curtness of his tone. It bordered on harsh.
“All right then. I’ll be at my desk if you need anything.”
Gavin didn’t move his gaze from his screen. He didn’t even grunt to acknowledge what I’d just said. He simply continued as if I wasn’t there.
My heartbeat sped up and not for happy reasons. He was freezing me out. I didn’t have to guess why.
While I spent my weekend in ridiculous bliss, he’d obviously spent his regretting the kindness and mercy he’d shown by not having me thrown out on my ass.
My stomach clenched. Nervous, I sped through all the possibilities for his new-found contempt. We’d parted on good terms so what could’ve changed?
Shit.
What if he’d found more errors in my work after I left? I wanted to clutch my hands together. That was my tell from the time I was young when I knew I was in trouble. My father would take one look at me and instantly knew I was quelled before he’d yell one syllable.
You’re not a little girl anymore. You’re a grown woman. If there was something wrong with your work then Gavin would’ve said something. He didn’t. Don’t freak out.
Easier said than done.
Especially when I was convinced that Gavin had discovered the real me and realized I wasn’t phenomenal or even competent. I was terrified he’d see I was a fake and worthy only of derision.
Or worse—pity.
Poor little rich girl who can’t make real
connections with anyone because of her messed-up family life.
I returned to my desk. The promise of the day tasted like ash. I wasn’t sure how I managed to do it, but like always in the face of extreme disappointment, I continued on as if nothing was wrong.
It was the Brookstone way. False to the very end as long as the appearance was perfect.
Gavin barely spoke ten words to me all day. He avoided looking at me every time he walked by my desk. I was a plant in his work space. There but not worthy of being noticed.
I hated it every second of it.
My tummy continued to feel knotted and my appetite was non-existent. I forced myself to eat normally. I interacted with the staff as I always did. I spoke to Gavin when necessary, approaching his door with a confident gait even when I trembled on the inside.
I smiled like always. I acted as if nothing was wrong, as if I didn’t notice Gavin’s complete detachment of my existence.
God, it was painful. Brutal even for someone of my sensitive nature.
This went on all day Monday. It continued on Tuesday. It deepened on Wednesday. By the time Thursday rolled around I’d barely had any sleep and felt like I was a barely-functioning automaton.
My makeup compensated for the dark circles under my eyes. My berry lipstick brought desperately needed color to my face. Although my hair and clothes were flawless as usual, they only served to make me feel like a mannequin for all the attention Gavin paid me.
Perfect and empty. Abandoned. Part of the scenery.
I didn’t understand why I’d gone from being someone Gavin thought was phenomenal to someone who was the antithesis of it, but it was obvious to everyone I was on the outs with my boss.
Our coworkers didn’t say a word where I could hear them, but I caught a sympathetic eye more than once. I cringed with embarrassment every time it happened.
Not on the outside, of course. Never that.
If only I hadn’t made that mistake on Friday then none of this would’ve happened. If only I hadn’t been such a fuck-up then everything would be going swimmingly this week.
But no. I had to get an over-inflated sense of self and ruin everything.
No wonder my father didn’t believe in praise. I let myself believe in Gavin’s praise and look what happened.
