The Palliser Novels

by Anthony Trollope

  There came to him a moment in which he laughed out very audibly. “Ha! ha!” he shouted, rising up from his chair, and he walked about the room, holding a large paper-knife in his hand. “Ha! ha!” Then he threw the knife away from him, and thrusting his hands into his trousers-pockets, laughed again — “Ha! ha!” He stood still in the centre of the room, and the laughter was very plainly visible on his face, had there been anybody there to see it.

  But suddenly there was a change upon his face, as he stood there all alone, and his eyes became fierce, and the cicatrice that marred his countenance grew to be red and ghastly, and he grinned with his teeth, and he clenched his fists as he still held them within his pockets. “Curse him!” he said out loud. “Curse him, now and for ever!” He had broken down in his calmness, when he thought of that old man who had opposed him during his life, and had ruined him at his death. “May all the evils which the dead can feel cling to him for ever and ever!” His laughter was all gone, and his assumed tranquillity had deserted him. Walking across the room, he struck his foot against a chair; upon this, he took the chair in his hands, and threw it across the room. But he hardly arrested the torrent of his maledictions as he did so. What good was it that he should lie to himself by that mock tranquillity, or that false laughter? He lied to himself no longer, but uttered a song of despair that was true enough. What should he do? Where should he go? From what fountain should he attempt to draw such small draughts of the water of comfort as might support him at the present moment? Unless a man have some such fountain to which he can turn, the burden of life cannot be borne. For the moment, Vavasor tried to find such fountain in a bottle of brandy which stood near him. He half filled a tumbler, and then, dashing some water on it, swallowed it greedily. “By ––––!” he said, “I believe it is the best thing a man can do.”

  But where was he to go? to whom was he to turn himself? He went to a high desk which stood in one corner of the room, and unlocking it, took out a revolving pistol, and for a while carried it about with him in his hand. He turned it up, and looked at it, and tried the lock, and snapped it without caps, to see that the barrel went round fairly. “It’s a beggarly thing to do,” he said, and then he turned the pistol down again; “and if I do do it, I’ll use it first for another purpose.” Then he poured out for himself more brandy-and-water, and having drunk it, he threw himself upon the sofa, and seemed to sleep.

  But he did not sleep, and by-and-by there came a slight single knock at the door, which he instantly answered. But he did not answer it in the usual way by bidding the comer to come in. “Who’s there?” he said. Then the comer attempted to enter, turning the handle of the door. But the door had been locked, and the key was on Vavasor’s side. “Who’s there?” he asked again, speaking out loudly, but in an angry voice. “It is I,” said a woman’s voice. “D––––ation!” said George Vavasor.

  The woman heard him, but she made no sign of having heard him. She simply remained standing where she was till something further should be done within. She knew the man well, and knew that she must bide his time. She was very patient, — and for the time was meek, though it might be that there would come an end to her meekness. Vavasor, when he had heard her voice, and knew who was there, had again thrown himself on the sofa. There flashed across his mind another thought or two as to his future career, — another idea about the pistol, which still lay upon the table. Why should he let the intruder in, and undergo the nuisance of a disagreeable interview, if the end of all things might come in time to save him from such trouble? There he lay for ten minutes thinking, and then the low single knock was heard again. He jumped upon his feet, and his eyes were full of fire. He knew that it was useless to bid her go and leave him. She would sit there, if it were through the whole night. Should he open the door and strangle her, and pass out over her with the pistol in his hand, so that he might make that other reckoning which he desired to accomplish, and then never come back any more?

  He took a turn through the room, and then walked gently up to the door, and undid the lock. He did not open the door, nor did he bid his visitor enter, but having made the way easy for her if she chose to come in, he walked back to the sofa and threw himself on it again. As he did so, he passed his hand across the table so as to bring the pistol near to himself at the place where he would be lying. She paused a moment after she had heard the sound of the key, and then she made her way into the room. He did not at first speak to her. She closed the door very gently, and then, looking around, came up to the foot of the sofa. She paused a moment, waiting for him to address her; but as he said nothing, but lay there looking at her, she was the first to speak. “George,” she said, “what am I to do?”

  She was a woman of about thirty years of age, dressed poorly, in old garments, but still with decency, and with some attempt at feminine prettiness. There were flowers in the bonnet on her head, though the bonnet had that unmistakable look of age which is quite as distressing to bonnets as it is to women, and the flowers themselves were battered and faded. She had long black ringlets on each cheek, hanging down much below her face, and brought forward so as to hide in some degree the hollowness of her jaws. Her eyes had a peculiar brightness, but now they left on those who looked at her cursorily no special impression as to their colour. They had been blue, — that dark violet blue, which is so rare, but is sometimes so lovely. Her forehead was narrow, her mouth was small, and her lips were thin; but her nose was perfect in its shape, and, by the delicacy of its modelling, had given a peculiar grace to her face in the days when things had gone well with her, when her cheeks had been full with youth and good living, and had been dimpled by the softness of love and mirth. There were no dimples there now, and all the softness which still remained was that softness which sorrow and continual melancholy give to suffering women. On her shoulders she wore a light shawl, which was fastened to her bosom with a large clasp brooch. Her faded dress was supported by a wide crinoline, but the under garment had lost all the grace of its ancient shape, and now told that woman’s tale of poverty and taste for dress which is to be read in the outward garb of so many of Eve’s daughters. The whole story was told so that those who ran might read it. When she had left her home this afternoon, she had struggled hard to dress herself so that something of the charm of apparel might be left to her; but she had known of her own failure at every twist that she had given to her gown, and at every jerk with which she had settled her shawl. She had despaired at every push she had given to her old flowers, vainly striving to bring them back to their old forms; but still she had persevered. With long tedious care she had mended the old gloves which would hardly hold her fingers. She had carefully hidden the rags of her sleeves. She had washed her little shrivelled collar, and had smoothed it out painfully. It had been a separate grief to her that she could find no cuffs to put round her wrists; — and yet she knew that no cuffs could have availed her anything. Nothing could avail her now. She expected nothing from her visit; yet she had come forth anxiously, and would have waited there throughout the whole night had access to his room been debarred to her. “George,” she said, standing at the bottom of the sofa, “what am I to do?”

  As he lay there with his face turned towards her, the windows were at her back, and he could see her very plainly. He saw and appreciated the little struggles she had made to create by her appearance some reminiscence of her former self. He saw the shining coarseness of the long ringlets which had once been softer than silk. He saw the sixpenny brooch on her bosom where he had once placed a jewel, the price of which would now have been important to him. He saw it all, and lay there for a while, silently reading it.

  “Don’t let me stand here,” she said, “without speaking a word to me.”

  “I don’t want you to stand there,” he said.

  “That’s all very well, George. I know you don’t want me to stand here. I know you don’t want to see me ever again.”

  “Never.”

  “I know it. Of course I know
it. But what am I to do? Where am I to go for money? Even you would not wish that I should starve?”

  “That’s true, too. I certainly would not wish it. I should be delighted to hear that you had plenty to eat and plenty to drink, and plenty of clothes to wear. I believe that’s what you care for the most, after all.”

  “It was only for your sake, — because you liked it.”

  “Well; — I did like it; but that has come to an end, as have all my other likings. You know very well that I can do nothing more for you. What good do you do yourself by coming here to annoy me? Have I not told you over and over again that you were never to look for me here? Is it likely that I should give you money now, simply because you have disobeyed me!”

  “Where else was I to find you?”

  “Why should you have found me at all? I don’t want you to find me. I shall give you nothing; — not a penny. You know very well that we’ve had all that out before. When I put you into business I told you that we were to see no more of each other.”

  “Business!” she said. “I never could make enough out of the shop to feed a bird.”

  “That wasn’t my fault. Putting you there cost me over a hundred pounds, and you consented to take the place.”

  “I didn’t consent. I was obliged to go there because you took my other home away from me.”

  “Have it as you like, my dear. That was all I could do for you; — and more than most men would have done, when all things are considered.” Then he got up from the sofa, and stood himself on the hearthrug, with his back to the fireplace. “At any rate, you may be sure of this, Jane; — that I shall do nothing more. You have come here to torment me, but you shall get nothing by it.”

  “I have come here because I am starving.”

  “I have nothing for you. Now go;” and he pointed to the door. Nevertheless, for more than three years of his life this woman had been his closest companion, his nearest friend, the being with whom he was most familiar. He had loved her according to his fashion of loving, and certainly she had loved him. “Go,” he said repeating the word very angrily. “Do as I bid you, or it will be the worse for you.”

  “Will you give me a sovereign?”

  “No; — I will give you nothing. I have desired you not to come to me here, and I will not pay for you coming.”

  “Then I will not go;” and the woman sat down upon a chair at the foot of the table. “I will not go till you have given me something to buy food. You may put me out of the room if you can, but I will lie at the door of the stairs. And if you get me out of the house, I will sit upon the door-step.”

  “If you play that game, my poor girl, the police will take you.”

  “Let them. It has come to that with me, that I care for nothing. Out of this I will not go till you give me money — unless I am put out.”

  And for this she had dressed herself with so much care, mending her gloves, and darning her little fragments of finery! He stood looking at her, with his hands thrust deep into his pockets, — looking at her and thinking what he had better do to rid himself of her presence. If he even quite resolved to take that little final journey of which we have spoken, with the pistol in his hand, why should he not go and leave her there? Or, for the matter of that, why should he not make her his heir to all remainder of his wealth? What he still had left was sufficient to place her in a seventh heaven of the earth. He cared but little for her, and was at this moment angry with her; but there was no one for whom he cared more, and no friend with whom he was less angry. But then his mind was not quite made up as to that final journey. Therefore he desired to rid himself and his room of the nuisance of her presence.

  “Jane,” he said, looking at her again with that assumed tranquillity of which I have spoken, “you talk of starving and of being ruined, — “

  “I am starving. I have not a shilling in the world.”

  “Perhaps it may be a comfort to you in your troubles to know that I am, at any rate, as badly off as you are? I won’t say that I am starving, because I could get food to eat at this moment if I wanted it; but I am utterly ruined. My property, — what should have been mine, — has been left away from me. I have lost the trumpery seat in Parliament for which I have paid so much. All my relations have turned their backs upon me — “

  “Are you not going to be married?” she said, rising quickly from her chair and coming close to him.

  “Married! No; — but I am going to blow my brains out. Look at that pistol, my girl. Of course you won’t think that I am in earnest, — but I am.”

  She looked up into his face piteously. “Oh! George,” she said, “you won’t do that?”

  “But I shall do that. There is nothing else left for me to do. You talk to me about starving. I tell you that I should have no objection to be starved, and so be put an end to in that way. It’s not so bad as some other ways when it comes gradually. You and I, Jane, have not played our cards very well. We have staked all that we had, and we’ve been beaten. It’s no good whimpering after what’s lost. We’d better go somewhere else and begin a new game.”

  “Go where?” said she.

  “Ah! — that’s just what I can’t tell you.”

  “George,” she said, “I’ll go anywhere with you. If what you say is true, — if you’re not going to be married, and will let me come to you, I will work for you like a slave. I will indeed. I know I’m poorly looking now — “

  “My girl, where I’m going, I shall not want any slave; and as for your looks — when you go there too, — they’ll be of no matter, as far as I am able to judge.”

  “But, George, where are you going?”

  “Wherever people do go when their brains are knocked out of them; or, rather, when they have knocked out their own brains, — if that makes any difference.”

  “George,” — she came up to him now, and took hold of him by the front of his coat, and for the moment he allowed her to do so, — “George, you frighten me. Do not do that. Say that you will not do that!”

  “But I am just saying that I shall.”

  “Are you not afraid of God’s anger? You and I have been very wicked.”

  “I have, my poor girl. I don’t know much about your wickedness. I’ve been like Topsy; — indeed I am a kind of second Topsy myself. But what’s the good of whimpering when it’s over?”

  “It isn’t over; it isn’t over, — at any rate for you.”

  “I wish I knew how I could begin again. But all this is nonsense, Jane, and you must go.”

  “You must tell me, first, that you are not going to — kill yourself.”

  “I don’t suppose I shall do it to-night, — or, perhaps, not to-morrow. Very probably I may allow myself a week, so that your staying here can do no good. I merely wanted to make you understand that you are not the only person who has come to grief.”

  “And you are not going to be married?”

  “No; I’m not going to be married, certainly.”

  “And I must go now?”

  “Yes; I think you’d better go now.” Then she rose and went, and he let her leave the room without giving her a shilling! His bantering tone, in speaking of his own position, had been successful. It had caused her to take herself off quietly. She knew enough of his usual manner to be aware that his threats of self destruction were probably unreal; but, nevertheless, what he had said had created some feeling in her heart which had induced her to yield to him, and go away in peace.

  CHAPTER LXXII

  Showing How George Vavasor Paid a Visit

  It was nearly seven o’clock in the evening, — a hot, July evening, — when the woman went from Vavasor’s room, and left him there alone. It was necessary that he should immediately do something. In the first place he must dine, unless he meant to carry out his threat, and shoot himself at once. But he had no such intention as that, although he stood for some minutes with the pistol in his hand. He was thinking then of shooting some one else. But he resolved that, if he did so at all, he wo
uld not do it on that evening, and he locked up the pistol again in the standing desk. After that, he took up some papers, referring to steam packets, which were lying on his table. They contained the programmes of different companies, and showed how one vessel went on one day to New York, and another on another day would take out a load of emigrants for New Zealand and Australia. “That’s a good line,” said he, as he read a certain prospectus. “They generally go to the bottom, and save a man from any further trouble on his own account.” Then he dressed himself, putting on his boots and coat, and went out to his club for his dinner.

  London was still fairly full, — that is to say, the West End was not deserted, although Parliament had been broken up two months earlier than usual, in preparation for the new elections. Many men who had gone down into the country were now back again in town, and the dining-room at the club was crowded. Men came up to him condoling with him, telling him that he was well rid of a great nuisance, that the present Members for the Chelsea Districts would not sit long, or that there would be another general election in a year or two. To all these little speeches he made cheerful replies, and was declared by his acquaintance to bear his disappointment well. Calder Jones came to him and talked hunting talk, and Vavasor expressed his intention of being at Roebury in November. “You had better join our club,” said Calder Jones. In answer to which Vavasor said that he thought he would join the club. He remained in the smoking-room till nearly eleven; then he took himself home, and remained up half the night destroying papers. Every written document on which he could lay his hands he destroyed. All the pigeon-holes of his desk were emptied out, and their contents thrown into the flames. At first he looked at the papers before he burned them; but the trouble of doing so soon tired him, and he condemned them all, as he came to them, without examination. Then he selected a considerable amount of his clothes, and packed up two portmanteaus, folding his coats with care, and inspecting his boots narrowly, so that he might see which, out of the large number before him, it might be best worth his while to take with him. When that was done, he took from his desk a bag of sovereigns, and, pouring them out upon the table, he counted them out into parcels of twenty-five each, and made them up carefully into rouleaus with paper. These, when complete, he divided among the two portmanteaus and a dressing-bag which he also packed and a travelling desk, which he filled with papers, pens, and the like. But he put into it no written document. He carefully looked through his linen, and anything that had been marked with more than his initials he rejected. Then he took out a bundle of printed cards, and furnished a card-case with them. On these cards was inscribed the name of Gregory Vance. When all was finished, he stood for awhile with his back to the fireplace contemplating his work. “After all,” he said to himself, “I know that I shall never start; and, if I do, nobody can hinder me, and my own name would be as good as any other. As for a man with such a face as mine not being known, that is out of the question.” But still he liked the arrangements which he had made, and when he had looked at them for awhile he went to bed.