After ensuring the hallway was clear of witnesses, I opened my door and ushered Jai inside. I feared the rumors that could circulate should anyone see me letting a man into my room—especially one as scary-looking as Jai. Plus, I wanted to avoid Bethany and her inevitable nosiness.
Jai read my thoughts. “Hiding me from your friend?”
“I didn’t want there to be a scene.”
“A scene? Because of me?” He chuckled, and the husky sound prickled my skin pleasantly. “Why do you assume the worst of me?”
“Can you blame me?” I rolled my eyes and waved at his rebel clothing when he quirked his head in confusion. “Oh, come on. I mean, with the whole black clothes, piercings, and overall… smoldering.”
His eyebrows flew up as a playful smirk curled his lips. “Smoldering? I smolder?”
I swallowed thickly at the naughty glint in his eye as he swaggered across the room toward me. “Yes. You’re kind of intense and glowery. Can’t blame me for worrying over her reaction. You’ll probably scare her.”
“Do you think I’m scary?” His gravelly voice deepened to a purr as he dipped his head to be more level with my height.
Amusement and something I couldn’t name glittered in his dark eyes, and my tummy turned topsy-turvy as I stammered, “S-sometimes.”
As he closed the distance between us, he angled his head, and his breath fanned over my mouth. “Are you scared right now?”
“N-no,” I lied.
The tip of his nose brushed mine, and my eyes shuttered closed, my brain glitching. Needing something but not knowing what, I leaned toward his warmth, but he broke the hypnotizing atmosphere as he jerked away from me like I’d smacked him.
Feeling irrationally cheated, yet mortified, I backed away. “Sorry, what were we talking about?”
“Nothing.” He plopped onto my mattress, then reached under my bed frame to snatch my Robinson Crusoe book. “You should do your homework. And stop worrying about your friends passing judgement.”
I frowned at his sudden chilliness as he ignored me, flipping through my book to his previously dog-eared spot. Now, what had I done? He’d called me dangerous, and I said he was scary. The way I saw it, we were even now, right?
“I already did my homework.” I crossed my arms over my chest and sat at the end of the bed. “And don’t be mean. Bethany is a good person and my friend.”
He peeked over the top of my book and arched an eyebrow. “But you’re afraid she’ll take one look at me and decide I took you home last night to have my wicked way with you.”
“Why would she think that?” I balked as my cheeks broiled.
With a sinister grin, he sat up and invaded my space once again. “Because of my smolder, of course.”
He burst into laughter at my scowl, and I kicked off my tennis shoes, huffing in annoyance at his teasing. Making himself comfortable on my bed, his boots hanging off the end, he continued to chuckle. I frowned and did my best to ignore his insinuating words.
“For what it’s worth, Bethany’s always liked me. So there.” He waggled his pierced tongue at me childishly.
“I didn’t know you knew each other.”
I curled my legs underneath me as I tried and failed to ignore the strip of skin bared by his shirt riding up. For Pete’s sake, Riley, it’s just skin. I forced my gaze to Jai’s face instead, but my stomach flip-flopped as he clacked his tongue piercing against his front teeth.
Okay, apparently looking at his face wasn’t safe either. What was wrong with me? Was my mystery-sickness rearing its ugly head again?
Immune to my inner turmoil, Jai dropped my book to his chest, crinkling the pages. “Well, we don’t. I meant, like, when we used her to keep an eye on you. She might have listened to Noel more than me” —he wrinkled his nose— “but she still let me persuade her… most of the time.”
“Persuade her?” Memories of Kayla acting like a drunk robot under Noel’s instruction filled my mind, and horror rushed over me. “You control people?”
“Well, no, not exactly. But physical intervention on behalf of a ward isn’t usually necessary and somewhat frowned upon. Most of the time, it’s easier to influence the people around you to keep you safe.” He shrugged. “It’s not like you made a habit of being a demon kibble. You’re not a rebel, and you avoid danger naturally. We rarely had to persuade you away.”
Lead solidified in my gut as his words registered. I had been controlled my whole life the foster system, foster parents, doctors, and in the end, Ms. Janet. I finally found some semblance of freedom here at college, but I was now in the clutches of three angels who would do exactly what Ms. Janet had.
“You controlled me?” My voice cracked, and understanding flitted over Jai’s face before his eyes widened.
He scrambled upright, his boots speckling my comforter with dirt. “Fuck, no! Riley, it’s not like that. We can’t control you. That’s not how it works. And even if we could, we wouldn’t. Humans have free will—you have free will. The decision is always yours.”
“But Kayla—”
“Was really drunk.” Flames of anger erupted in Jai’s eyes, but I surprisingly didn’t flinch when he cupped my cheek. “I don’t think she would have acted the way she did if she’d been sober. That, combined with her alcohol consumption, made her mind easier to mold. And we were laying it on pretty thick. Kayla didn’t have to listen to me or Noel, but there was a part of her that chose to obey. Plus, I scared her, and fear is a good motivator.”
“Why did you scare her?”
Jai’s jaw clenched, and a muscle ticked in his cheek. “Because she’s a spoiled brat who is accustomed to getting what she wants regardless of other people’s feelings. On some level, she knew she didn’t stand a chance with you unless she got you drunk, and when that didn’t work, she steamrolled you. You tried to stop her, and she refused to listen. Drunk or not, it’s detestable.”
Shame washed over me as the memory of her touch ghosted over the front of my jeans. My skin crawled as I stared at my fidgeting fingers in my lap. Maybe Kayla had made a mistake, but I hadn’t been very strong in my refusal. My attempts to stop her had been pathetic at best. I had to shoulder my part of the whole debacle. “I should have… I ought to have…”
“It wasn’t your fault, Riley.” Jai forced my head up, his gaze fierce, intense. “You hear me? It wasn’t your fault.”
The guilt in my chest eased slightly, even if I knew he was wrong. It had been my fault. I should never have put myself in such a position by even going to the party, and the results after were the punishments for my poor choices. I’d been bad, and evil had consequences.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I pressed my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my shins. My chin rested on my kneecaps. “So, you can’t force me to do things, right?”
Metal clicked against Jai’s teeth, his cheek twitching. He looked like he wanted to press the issue, but thankfully, he heeded my unspoken plea and changed the subject. “No, we can’t force you to do something you don’t want to do. I could suggest you squawk like a chicken, but…”
I smothered my laughter in my knees, and he tugged playfully on my ear. “I don’t think you could talk anyone into squawking like a chicken.”
“Probably not.” He nudged my shoulder with his arm. “We only ever made suggestions when we thought you needed guidance. And you only listened when it was something you wanted.”
“And if it’s something I don’t want?” I eyed the place our arms connected, his body heat seeping through our sleeves.
“Then you don’t do it.” He reached behind me and rubbed soothing circles over my spine. “Come here. Give me a hug.”
The command came out of left field, but the heady layer blanketing his words smothered the part of my brain that questioned the wisdom of his request. “Huh?”
Leaning in, he arrested my gaze, the fire within his eyes flickering hypnotically. “Come here, Riles.”
Blinking
“Now,” he purred, his lips dancing over the shell of my ear. I shivered. “Squawk like a chicken.”
For a split second, I considered it before the more intelligent part of my brain shook off the haze of his persuasion. Returning to reality, I balked at my position, nearly sitting in his lap as I hugged him tightly. And our entire conversation hit me full force.
“You jerk!” I shoved away from him, and he guffawed as I lost my balance completely and tumbled off the bed.
My butt protested as I sprawled on the ground, but Jai didn’t seem to care. Snickering like a kid caught playing a prank, he rose and offered me a hand. His eyes danced merrily, and his disarmingly handsome smile nearly dissolved my irritation. Nearly.
Frowning, I refused his offered hand. “You’re not a very good friend.”
“Not really, no. I’m a bit of an acquired taste. But don’t worry, Riles.” He rested his hands on his hips and stared down at me with a glowing intensity—smoldering. “I have a feeling I’ll grow on you.”
Two hours later, I continued to sulk over Jai’s prank. With Jai’s prompting, I added the final touches to an essay due at the end of the week, then proceeded to play Legend of Zelda online as Jai read Robinson Crusoe.
He was, once again, spread out over my bed, though he’d removed his boots at my request. His socked feet rested on my shins behind my computer, and he whistled an unfamiliar tune as he turned the pages at even intervals.
A knock on the door distracted me, and I barely managed to stop Link from dying as I paused the game. Jai bent his legs, allowing me to rise from the bed, but he didn’t take his eyes off my book. Whoever was at the door must not be life-threatening if he didn’t even bother to lower the book.
When I opened the door, a body blasted past me into the room in a whirl of white hair and sunshine, and I shut the door behind him as Noel nearly tripped over Jai’s discarded boots. He growled something in their language, and Jai snorted at the supposed insult. Without asking permission, Noel kicked off his white sneakers and scampered onto my single bed, shoving Jai’s legs out of the way as he went.
“Oh, can I play, too?” Noel wiggled into the space at the end of the bed and picked up my computer, beaming with excitement.
“Uh, yeah. Of course.”
Jai must have realized how little room there was on the bed because he shifted up the mattress until he sat against the wall like Noel, leaving a spot between them big enough for me to sit. He dog-eared his place in my book before tossing it onto my pillow.
They both watched me expectantly, and I blushed as I crawled onto the bed and settled between them. Strangely enough, they acted like it was the most natural thing in the world to barge into my room and make themselves at home. It didn’t bother me, really. To be honest, it was kind of nice, like something friends did.
“You should show Jai how to play.” Noel set my computer on my lap, then raked a hand through my unruly curls. “One of these days, I’ll cut your hair. It’s getting too long.”
“Okay.” I unpaused the game and turned to Jai, explaining the controls as I went.
Like Noel, Jai caught on quick, and we swapped the computer between the three of us as we went through the levels. Jai and Noel taunted each other, making ludicrous bets to make the game more competitive, and I did my best to hide my laughter at their antics.
The sun began to set, and the natural light waned, casting golden rays across the floor. As Noel directed Link, Jai and I watched, my body squished between the two angels. Their shoulders rubbed mine, and our thighs touched. What should have been uncomfortable wasn’t, and I couldn’t tell if I was guiltier for sitting too close to boys I barely knew or for my lack of shame at our inappropriate proximity.
Our enjoyable activity was rudely interrupted by the door bursting open, and I startled as my roommate charged into our room. The door slammed shut behind him, and Brian turned to my bed, his mouth open to—judging from his scrunched nose—shout at me for something I probably hadn’t done. But he froze.
Catching sight of Jai and Noel, his eyes bugged out of his head, and his mouth went slack. Any doubt I had over the existence of the men beside me flew out the window as Brian gaped like a fish out of water.
“What the fuck?”
Noel cast him a fleeting glance before refocusing on my computer screen, and Jai didn’t even acknowledge Brian’s presence at all. I, on the other hand, straightened my spine and scooted forward on the mattress to create as much space as possible between me and the two men on my bed.
“Hey, Brian.” I battled my blush as my roommate’s eyes narrowed, clearly judging our seating arrangement. “How was your wee—”
“No!” He cut me off, and I flinched at his volume. “Jesus, Queerbie. No, no way. Nuh-uh, ain’t happening.”
I had grown accustomed to Brian’s glare of disgust, yet I couldn’t help but cower away as he propped his hands on his hips with a sneer. “What—”
“I put up with a lot of shit from you.” He pointed his index finger at my face, and a subtle growl rumbled in Jai’s chest as Noel’s hand came to rest on my lower back in a show of support. “But I won’t do this. No way.”
He waved at us like we were doing something dirty, and I felt like a bug that had dared to scuttle across his desk. Was he mad I brought friends into our room? He always brought people—usually girls—into our room without consulting me. His anger hardly seemed fair.
“You wanna get your gay on, that’s on you, man,” he continued, and I felt the color drain from my face as humiliation replaced my confusion. “But it ain’t happening in our room. Go suck their dicks somewhere else.”
A horrified choke stuck in my throat, strangling me, and Noel snarled wordlessly. Jai rose to his feet with mechanical precision, his face twisted in shadowed rage. The air thickened with the same buzzing I had felt in the alley last night, and the lamp overhead flickered. Brian swallowed as Jai straightened to his full height, but he didn’t back down.
“No faggot shit here. That’s the rule.” Brian puffed his chest like an animal in the wild, jutting out his chin.
Jai sauntered forward until he and Brian were almost toe-to-toe. He leaned in, and Brian shrunk back an inch. “Then I suggest you go somewhere else.”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Brian was nothing if not obstinate, and if I wasn’t equal parts mortified and afraid, I might have commended his ability to remain standing in the face of Jai’s glower.
Jai flashed his teeth, a far cry from a smile. “I’m the male who’s gonna bust your kneecaps if you so much as sneeze in Riley’s direction.”
“Jairus,” Noel warned as he set my laptop on the bed, his eyes darkening with anger.
“You know what, whatever.” Brian squared his shoulder, gathering whatever dignity he thought he possessed. “This is my room—”
“It’s Riley’s room, too,” Noel said.
Jai finished Noel’s thought like it was his own. “And since it’s Riley’s room, he can do what he wants. So, if you know what’s good for you, I suggest you get the fuck out of my sight.”
“Or what?”
A chilling smile graced Jai’s lips as Noel rose and draped an arm over Jai’s shoulder, his chest to Jai’s back. “Because we’re about to do a shit ton of faggot stuff.”
“And we’d hate to subject you to our fabulous gayness.” Noel punctuated his sarcasm with a kiss to Jai’s neck.
No one had ever stood up for me before, and I couldn’t tell if I was more shocked by their protectiveness or their flamboyant display. I blinked back tears as Brian grimaced in disgust. He shot me a glare of disdain, then stalked out of the room without another word. The windows rattled when the door crashed shut behind him.
The moment Brian was out of sight, Noel dropped the affectionate act, and Jai stepped out of his embrace. “Kiss me again, and I’ll start to think you like me.”
Noel’s twinkling laughter trilled around the room. “How many times must I remind you? You’re not my type.”
They rounded on me at the same time, their duel gazes crushing my shoulders. “Riley?” Simultaneously, they tilted their heads to the left, their brows furrowing.
“I’m sorry about him. He’s so mean. I-I…”
“Oh, sweetie, it’s not your fault he’s a homophobic idiot.” Noel cupped my blazing cheeks.
“We already knew he was an asshole. Now, maybe he’ll think twice before treating you like shit,” Jai said.
As kind as their words were, I couldn’t banish the guilt. They had been subjected to his cruelty because of me. Not to mention, I had apparently been doing something unwholesome for him to react so strongly.
Our closeness was wrong! Friends didn’t act like that, didn’t touch like that. I knew it. How could I have let this happen? First Kayla, and now my Guardians. I was a terrible person, causing everyone around me to sin. Even angels, pure and holy, were not immune to my evil. I would ruin them.
It was selfishness, pure and simple. Their affection felt nice, but it was wrong. I couldn’t risk their souls merely so I could enjoy their touches. And they were male, which was so much worse! Brian was right. I was disgusting.
“I need to use the restroom.” I tripped out of bed and dodged Jai’s hand as he attempted to straighten me. “I’m sorry.”
Before they could stop me, I rushed from the room and took refuge in one of the bathroom stalls. My stomach churned violently, and tears stung my eyes as I locked the stall door. Lowering myself onto the closed lid of the toilet, I hugged my arms around my waist.
I was an awful, wicked boy, and I would ruin the angels who had promised to protect me. What had I done? Was it so terrible to enjoy their platonic affection? Was I so evil that just those innocent touches had tainted their souls? I’d thought it was okay, that friends hugged, but I’d gone too far. I needed to cleanse, to beg for forgiveness.
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