As I stood, I contemplated which punishment would be appropriate to atone for my sins. Facing the toilet, I lifted the lid then lowered myself to my knees. My fingers trembling as I stared into the basin, Ms. Janet’s voice ringing in my head.
“You’ll feel better afterwards, Riley,” she crooned in my ear as she tightened her grip on the back of my neck until her nails pierced my skin. “It makes you better.”
“It makes me better,” I repeated, wiping my nose as the placid toilet water mocked me.
“It’s for your own good. You know that, right?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Yes, ma’am.”
“To make you better.”
“Yes, ma’am. To make me better.”
Chapter Twelve
Cool water dripped from my blotchy cheeks as I washed away the last remnants of sweat. My emotions had calmed now that I had paid penance, but my bloodshot eyes and sickly pale face didn’t portray that ease. I appeared far from in control, and it was imperative I pulled myself together. I didn’t want Jai and Noel to suspect… They would never understand.
Once I was presentable, I dusted off the dirt clinging to the knees of my jeans and left the bathroom. I trudged over the thinned carpet to my dorm room. The door hung ajar, and the subtle scent of spicy smoke drifted into the hallway through the crack. My eyes widened in alarm as I shoved the door open, nearly tripping over the threshold.
Jai sat on my window sill puffing on his medwakh, and I waved my hand in front of my face to dispel the thin layer of smoke. “Jai!”
At my screech, Noel glanced up from my computer with pursed lips. “I told him not to smoke in here.”
Jai chuckled, blowing a cloud of smoke out the open window. “Oh, don’t get your wings in a twist.”
“I’ll get in huge trouble if they catch you smoking in here.” I crossed my arms over my chest with a harrumph.
Rolling his eyes, he blew the last of the smoke out the window before shutting it. “It’s not the first time I’ve smoked in here, and it won’t be the last.”
“And if I get kicked out of my dorm?”
“You won’t get kicked out of your dorm.” Jai focused on my face, his playful smirk dissolving as his brows furrowed. “Hey, are you okay? You look pale.”
I straightened, avoiding his intrusive stare as I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt. “I’m fine.”
“You know we’re not upset with you about Brian, right?” Noel set my computer aside and scooched to the edge of the bed. “I mean, I’m no stranger to bigotry.”
“I guess humans aren’t great company.” I cringed at the reminder of Brian’s cruel words, and Noel smiled sadly.
“Angels can be just as bad, unfortunately. Sometimes, we judge what we don’t understand because it’s easier than challenging our preconceived ideas.” Noel shrugged as Jai dropped onto the bed, unceremoniously wiggling into Noel’s space until his head rested on his Other’s lap. Noel grunted in irritation but proceeded to run his pale fingers through Jai’s dark hair nonetheless.
“Yeah, but in Heaven, you can kiss your boyfriend in public without running the risk of getting punched in the face by some homophobic asshole.” Jai preened under Noel’s ministrations. “Not that I don’t enjoy aiding you when you’re a damsel in distress.”
“I can defend myself, thank you very much.” Noel pinched Jai’s neck, and Jai yelped, scrambling to the other side of the bed to flee his Other’s irritation. “And it’s not like I currently have a boyfriend to kiss anyway, so we’re in the clear.”
“You want a boyfriend?” I blurted, before covering my mouth with my hand. “I mean—”
“I like males, so a girlfriend isn’t an option.” Humor splashed in his eyes, but his body stiffened, guarded. “Is that a problem?”
“No!” I hugged my torso, lowering my volume. “No, I’m not like Brian.”
Beaming, Noel reached for me and drew me closer to the bed. “I know you’re not.”
With a blush, I smiled and lowered myself to sit beside him. “Okay, good. ’Cause he’s mean, and I don’t want you to think that I—”
“You’re a better man than he is, Riley. And we know that.” Noel tugged me into his side for a cuddle, and I nearly died of embarrassment when he dropped a chaste kiss to my scalp. “Anyway, Jai and I need to run some errands for Gideon. Can you stay here in your dorm until we get back?”
“What are you guys doing?”
They exchanged a weighty look, communicating without saying a word, before Noel shrugged. “Angel stuff.”
“Is it dangerous?” My stomach cramped as memories of last night—had it really been just last night since my life had changed so dramatically?—filtered through my mind. “I mean, like, you won’t get hurt, right?”
Simpering, Noel rubbed my back, and Jai ruffled my hair. “We’ll be fine, shortstack. Just stay in your dorm until we get back, okay?”
Where else did they expect me to go? It wasn’t like I had a full social calendar. I barely had friends to begin with, much less extravagant weekend plans. And there was no way I was leaving my dorm building at night. I had enough run-ins with demons to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.
“Okay.” I picked at a loose thread in my jeans as Jai laced his boots. “Can I, like, leave to go to the bathroom?”
Noel laughed, smothering his humor with his palm in response to my frown. “Sorry, it’s just—yes, you can leave your room to use the bathroom.”
“We have protective wards cast over the building and a few stronger ones over the threshold of your room,” Jai said. “This room is safest, but as long as you stay inside the building, you’ll be fine.”
I rose and walked them to the door, holding it open as they exited into the hall. “Okay, I’ll stay here.”
To my dismay, Jai mussed my curls again, throwing them into even deeper disarray. “Good boy.”
“I’m not a dog,” I grumbled, flattening my chaotic mane as best I could, and both angels chuckled.
“We’ll be back later, sweetie.” Noel’s index finger grazed my jaw, and my irritation lifted as tingles crackled over my skin.
Without another word, Jai and Noel traipsed down the corridor. Noel’s light jeans stuck to his long legs like a second skin, the opposite of Jai’s loose, slightly sagging black jeans. Jai shrugged his leather jacket over his broad shoulders, and Noel tucked his hands into his white hoodie pocket. Like mirror reflections, they walked with similar gaits but led with opposite legs. Poles apart, yet the same.
Before disappearing down the stairwell, Noel waved with a cheery grin, and Jai dipped his chin, his gaze flickering with intensity. The door shut between us as I hovered in the hallway, and I dropped my waving hand to my side. Irrational loneliness stole over me as I returned to my room, but I shook off the feeling. If there was one thing I was good at, it was being alone, and today was no exception.
I watched from my window as Noel climbed onto the back of Jai’s motorcycle. His white hair whipped into a whirlwind as Jai gunned the engine, and they sped from the parking lot. When the final rumbles of the bike faded into the distance, I sighed and slumped onto my bed.
Barely two minutes passed before someone rapped on my door. “Riley? I know you’re in there. Open up.” Bethany’s anxious tone spurred haste, and I rushed to the door as she banged on the wood again. I flung the door open, and my worried questions died on my lips as she hauled me into a tight embrace. “Oh my God, Riley! Where have you been? You disappeared from the party, and then you didn’t come home. I nearly called the cops.”
“Wait, what? Why?” My words were muffled as she smashed my face into her bosom, and I flailed in an attempt to escape the squishy, suffocating prison.
She didn’t notice my asphyxiation, squeezing me tighter. “Kayla was passed out in her room, and I couldn’t find you. And then you didn’t come home, and I was so worried. I thought you’d been kidnapped or worse!”
Thankfully, she released me from her near-fatal
“Friends? Who?” I flinched at her demanding tone, and her face paled. She stepped back with a deep, calming inhale. Trembling fingers sifted through her flaxen hair as she visibly relaxed. “I’m sorry.”
“S’okay.” I wasn’t sure why she was apologizing, but I forced myself not to shrink away when she reached for me.
“I was really worried about you.” Gripping my hand, she squeezed. “I was a terrible friend last night, and if anything had happened to you, I would never forgive myself.”
Her concern melted my heart, even as I shook my head. “You’re not a bad friend. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
She blinked once, twice, then her eyes watered. “Oh, Riley.” And I was buried in her chest again, unable to breathe.
I patted her back awkwardly, counting down the seconds until she freed me. Fortunately, she didn’t hug me for long. Gulping in air, I straightened my clothes and banished the heat in my cheeks as Bethany captured my hand once more.
“C’mon. I need to hear about these friends of yours.” Before I could argue, she yanked me down the hall to her room. “Sharon’s in the shower, so we have some time. I want details!”
“Huh?” I followed her onto the beanbag couch, nearly falling to the floor as we plopped down.
Her chiding look filled me with guilt, though I didn’t know why. “Those guys who left your room? Are they the friends you stayed with?”
“Um, yeah.” I licked my chapped lips, my throat dry. “That was Jai and Noel. I stayed at their apartment last night.”
“Voluntarily?” Her disbelief should have offended me, but I couldn’t exactly blame her. I was far from a social butterfly, and I had never slept away from my dorm room before.
“I wanted to leave the party. They gave me a ride.” I stuck to half-truths, unable to lie effectively. “It was late, so Gideon said I could stay.”
“Gideon?”
“Their… roommate,” I hedged. “They have an apartment off campus, and I wasn’t feeling good. So they let me stay.”
There, that was the truth… ish.
“Oh, okay. I just—Sorry, I’m being overbearing.” A self-deprecating smile teased her lips. “I just wanted to make sure they didn’t…”
She drifted off, and I cocked my head curiously. “They didn’t what?”
With pink cheeks, she studied the bright pattern of the beanbag chair. “Nothing. I just wanted to make sure you feel safe.”
“I’m fine,” I repeated yet again, confused by her odd phrasing. “They’re really nice, and they said it was okay if I stayed.”
There was something she was trying to communicate, trying to ask, but I was clearly missing it. Instead of pushing, she smiled and patted my knee. “Okay. Good.”
Relief coursed through me as the door flew open, ending the uncomfortable conversation, but the solace didn’t last. Sharon barreled into the room wrapped in a bath towel. And nothing else. Water dripped from her curly hair, trickling down her shoulders, and I jerked my gaze away from her glistening, brown skin with a strangled choke. The door shut behind Bethany’s roommate, trapping me inside the room with a naked girl.
“Oh, hi, Riley.” She strode to a small dresser, utterly unconcerned with my presence. “I forgot my bra. I swear, if my head wasn’t attached…”
The girls laughed as I did my best not to hyperventilate. Damp fabric fell to the floor with a thump, and red flashed in the corner of my vision. Even as I fought the instinct, my stare tracked the color, and I swallowed thickly.
With her back to me, Sharon talked to Bethany as she slipped a pair of red, cloth shorts up her legs. Her blue, lacy underwear was nearly see-through, and I gaped at the expanse of skin on display. I’d never seen a girl without clothes on before.
Her body curved in places boys didn’t, and her skin looked soft as satin. I shouldn’t watch—I knew this—Yet I couldn’t look away. Curiosity overruled my common sense as she finagled a matching blue bra around her midsection.
Objectively, she was pretty. But there was nothing within me that reacted to her near-nudity. In fact, my first instinct was to compare her shirtless torso to Noel and Jai. Her skin was darker than Jai’s. I wondered if she would feel softer than Noel. Probably. Where he was firm and muscled, she would be squishy.
“Nice color, right?” Sharon spun in a circle with a shimmy, bringing attention to her blue bra.
The ability to speak was lost to me as I inspected her naked waist where a pale green jewel pierced through her belly button. “Um…”
Bethany had dissolved into silent laughter, her face red, eyes screwed shut. Sharon joined her as I sputtered wordlessly. Uncomfortable and embarrassed, I focused on my socks as I prayed for the floor to swallow me.
Giggling at a private joke I was not privy to, Sharon slipped a T-shirt over her head, covering her torso. “So, are we still watching a movie?” she asked Bethany, and Bethany nodded.
After several minutes of preparation, I found myself cinched between Sharon and Bethany on the beanbag couch. Bethany’s computer played a movie about a gay high school romance as we munched on tofu pizza. The girls “oohed” and “awed” as the characters fell in love. By the time it ended, I was rather befuddled—a state I was growing used to at this point.
Sharon left to use the restroom as Bethany checked her messages, and her face lit with happiness as she typed a text. “It’s Derek,” she said as she tucked her phone away.
“How long have you been dating?” They’d been together since I met her, but we’d never talked about her relationship in depth.
“A little over a year now.” She settled into the beanbag, her eyes shining. “We met through mutual friends and hit it off. He took me out a couple times then asked me to be his girlfriend. He’s, uh, he’s really great.”
“How did you know he liked you?”
She mulled over her response for several long seconds, scrutinizing me closely. “Well, he flirted a lot, and he’d do little things to show me he was interested. Little touches here and there. He’d compliment me, and he bought me flowers once, because I’d gotten into a fender bender. He was just sweet to me, I guess.”
As her cheeks colored, I smiled. “That sounds nice. How did you know you liked him back?” My query escaped before I could stop it, and I curled into myself as Bethany’s brows rose to her hairline.
Oh, dear. She thought I was weird now. What nineteen-year-old boy didn’t understand attraction and flirting?
“Sorry, that was a dumb question—”
“No, it’s fine. Um, I thought he was really cute, of course.” She tucked a chunk of hair behind her ear as her cheeks deepened to brick red. “He made me laugh and made me feel safe and comfortable. And, uh, when he’d hold my hand, I would get butterflies in my stomach, you know?”
I didn’t know much about butterflies, but I nodded anyway. “That’s nice.”
“Yeah, it is.” She chewed her bottom lip, her eyes conflicted for a moment before she spoke again. “Haven’t you ever felt that way about someone?”
“Oh, no. I can’t—I mean, I’ve never… No.” The mere notion of romantic interest filled my chest with panic. Ms. Janet had been very clear on such topics. I was a constant disappointment in her eyes, but I would never go against her in that regard.
Sensing my discomfiture, Bethany rubbed a soothing hand over my shoulder. “That’s okay. That’s nothing to be ashamed of, Riley. You’re only nineteen and have your whole life ahead of you. I mean, it’s not like Derek and I are running off to elope. We’re enjoying our time together and willing to see where it takes us.”
The conversation petered out, and when Sharon returned, we finished the rest of the pizza as they taught me how to play sevens and blackjack. Sharon did her best to explain the rules of poker, but it was harder than the others. And I was a terrible liar, so bluffing was out of the question.
“Thanks for the pizza. I had fun.” I stepped out of the room as Sharon cleaned up the empty pizza box.
Bethany leaned against the doorjamb with a grin. “Me, too. We should hang out more. Maybe you could invite your friends, Noel and Jay.”
“It’s Jai,” I corrected automatically. “Like, rhymes with hi.”
She cringed. “Sorry, um, Jai. We could all go bowling or something sometime.”
“Maybe. I don’t know if they like bowling, but I can ask.” Not wanting to commit to something I may not be allowed to do, I waved and backed down the hallway without giving a straight answer. “Have a good night.”
“You, too.”
When I entered my room, I nearly yelped when a body shifted from its crouch near my bed. Brian straightened and crossed the room to his desk, glaring at me. Had he been rifling through my things?
“What are you staring at, Queerbie?” He stalked toward me, and I cowered against the door automatically. “You should be thanking me for sparing your boyfriends from a serious beatdown. Next time, I might not be so generous.”
“I—”
His hands slapped against the wood on either side of my head, and I cringed away from him as he loomed over me. “Keep your fag friends out of our room.”
I searched for the courage Jai inspired within me, but I couldn’t find it. So I ducked my head submissively and nodded. Brian patted my cheek hard, chuckling when I flinched.
“Thatta a boy, Queerball.”
Cackling like a witch, he sauntered back to his bed, and I glared at his back as hot anger bubbled in my veins. To stop myself from saying something I would regret, I snatched my toiletries and fled the room. Anger was an ugly emotion, but it was difficult to smother. My fingers shook from the force of it as I smeared my toothbrush with toothpaste.
You should teach him a lesson.
I snorted. Yeah, right. I had about as much courage as a field mouse. And Brian would squash me like a bug if I so much as looked at him wrong. Plus, I didn’t want Jai or Noel getting in trouble. If Brian picked a fight, it wouldn’t bode well for anyone.
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