Revelations: Fire & Brimstone Scroll 1

by Nikole Knight

  “Danny?”

  “Dude, do you need a ride?” He stopped the car completely, and I heard the click of the doors unlocking. “Come on, get in.”

  Exhaustion crashed over me, and I approached the car with resignation. Hitching a ride did sound better than walking aimlessly around town until I found my way back to campus.

  I climbed into the passenger seat and shut the door. Danny merged back into traffic as I buckled my seatbelt, and I curled into a ball in the seat, hugging my knees to my chest. Danny’s curious gaze scratched over my skin, making the back of my neck itch.

  “No offense, but you don’t look so good,” he finally said. “Are you okay? Are you hurt? Do you… oh shit, do I need to call someone? The cops or—”

  “I’m fine,” I mumbled into my kneecaps. “I just wanna go back to my dorm.”

  His fingers drummed on the steering wheel as we drove in awkward silence. I felt his concerned stare, but I refused to look his way. It was rude of me, but I couldn’t face him. The last thing I wanted was to spill my drama to a virtual stranger.

  Every few minutes, he’d ask if I was hurt, if I was sure I didn’t need him to call anyone. And every time, I assured him I was fine. My sniffles did little to convince him, but I promised him I wasn’t hurt.

  “I don’t wanna talk about it,” I finally said, putting an end to the discussion, and he stopped asking.

  When we reached the student center, I told him to pull over. “I’ll walk the rest of the way.” I unbuckled as Danny put the car in neutral.

  “Listen, Riley—”

  “Thanks for the ride. Sorry for the inconvenience.” I opened the door and crawled out as he stammered behind me. “I’ll see you in class.”

  “Riley!”

  “I’m sorry. I gotta go.” I broke into a jog, leaving Danny half-in, half-out of his car. “Sorry.”

  I didn’t look back until I was at my dorm building. Danny hadn’t followed. Neither had my angels. Breathing a broken sigh of relief, I rushed up the stairs and burst into my room. Thankfully, Brian wasn’t there, and I collapsed onto my bed with a wail of sorrow. I hugged my pillow close and sobbed like a pathetic baby as the hurt and betrayal worked through me.

  Like Pandora’s box, my brain cracked open, and memories long forgotten flooded me. I remembered! I remembered everything.

  In my mind’s eye, I watched Noel teach me to create funny shapes and creatures with Play-Doh. I saw me and Jai lying on our tummies in smoke-laded carpet, playing action figures. I could recall with precise clarity the weight of Gideon’s hands on my shoulder and back as he ran beside me the first time I rode a bike without training wheels.

  They’d been my very best friends. My family. They took care of me, protected me, loved me when no one else did. But then they abandoned me, left when I needed them most.

  Had it really been for my own good? Or had they simply tired of me? Was I too much hassle to invest in?

  They had been real to me, too real. I remembered now. Maybe I would have been stuck in the loony bin had they not forced me to forget, but my anger would not easily surrender. They should have found another way, one that didn’t include erasing my memories. They were no better than the doctors who convinced me I was insane.

  The fact of the matter remained: I’d trusted them, and they’d stabbed me in the back. And in the past two months, they had lied by omission. They let me fall into their trap of affection and empty promises. I reveled in their ideas of family, but I didn’t think family was supposed to hurt like this.

  Heartbroken, I wept for what felt like hours until my throat was raw, my eyes itchy and dry. At long last, I calmed enough to swallow two of my anti-anxiety meds and then proceeded to lie in a catatonic state. Eyes unseeing, mind numb, I eventually drifted into a restless sleep.

  I was four years old, and I colored the cows on my farm animal worksheet, using a purple pencil. Cows were supposed to be white and black, but this one was special, just like my friend. I wanted to color the cow the exact color of his eyes. His white hair tickled his chin as he bent over his own paper, coloring flowers in bright reds, oranges, and yellows. He was better at coloring than I was, but I didn’t mind because he always sat next to me at my table. The other kids at preschool thought I was weird and never colored with me, but not my friend. He always colored with me.

  I was six, and I’d fallen off my bike and scraped my knee. My asphalt-littered skin burned terribly, and I curled up on the curb and cried. I wasn’t alone very long before I was lifted by strong arms and cradled against a firm chest smelling like candy canes. My large friend carried me into the house where my foster father was passed out drunk on the couch. He proceeded to clean my wound before placing a dinosaur Band-Aid over the top. With a gentle smile, he squeezed my tiny hand as his green eyes twinkled.

  I’d just turned seven, and I ran around the backyard of the group home, giggling as my quarry slipped through the trees. My homemade Sheriff’s badge was clipped to my shirt above my heart, and I followed the slinking shadow of the robber I pursued. Dark eyes sparkled as my friend stuck his head out from behind the tree, wagging his pierced tongue, and I shrieked with laughter as I held up my finger guns and shot.

  I was almost nine years old, and I sat on a starchy bed in the psyche ward of the hospital. Two warm bodies sat on either side of me, the scent of flowers to my right and spices to my left. Peppermint drifted through the air as the broad man paced in front of me, glowering at the floor. Finally coming to a stop, he crouched down and settled his emerald gaze on me, regret shimmering in the gemstone depths. My eyes flooded with tears.

  “Everything’s going to be okay, Riley. I promise.” He cupped my cheek with his palm as both my hands were squeezed simultaneously by Jai and Noel. “You won’t remember, but we’re going to take care of you. Okay?”

  I didn’t understand what he meant, but I trusted him. He was here, and he’d fix it. Gideon was good at fixing things.

  “Forgive us, little one.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Plagued by memories, I didn’t sleep long, and I woke more exhausted than when I first fell asleep. It was early afternoon, and though my stomach was empty, the mere thought of food coated my throat in bile. I lay on my bed, listless and pathetic as my long-forgotten memories swirled inside my mind, taunting me, mocking me.

  Now that my emotions had settled, the rage demanding distance between me and my angels gave way to the crushing weight of their absence. How pitiful. I was upset and hurt, yet I still yearned for them, wanted them.

  Well, not wanted them. Not like that. I couldn’t want them like that.

  Except, I had wanted them, hadn’t I? Their warmth, their touch, it had ignited something inside me I had never experienced before. But I shouldn’t think about it. It wasn’t right, and I would never allow it to happen again. Because it was dirty and disgusting, wrong.

  Is it?

  Burying my face in my pillow, I shoved the annoying doubt from my mind. I couldn’t think like that.

  In all my nineteen years, I had never reacted to anyone in such a manner. I woke with erections at times, but it had never been a sexual response.

  Until now.

  The ghost of Jai’s fingers on my belly and the weight of Noel’s legs tangled with mine sent warmth bubbling through my veins once more.

  No, no, no! Stop it.

  Unable to face the budding truth, I scrambled out of my bed and headed for the door. I couldn’t breathe in here. I needed air!

  Someone called my name, but I couldn’t track the voice. My lungs tightened, and my throat swelled shut. I was suffocating again.

  “Shh, just breathe. In through your nose, out through your mouth.” A soothing voice swept over me, and a gentle hand rubbed over my spine. “You’re okay, Riley. Just breathe.”

  I obeyed, tucking my head between my knees, and my vision gradually returned. The crippling anxiety leaked away as I focused on taking one breath at a time.

  Once I gath
ered my wits, I found myself in Bethany’s room, sitting on her beanbag couch. She handed me a bottle of water, and I gulped it down. Tracking my every move, she worried her bottom lip and wrung her hands.

  “Better?” she asked, and I nodded. “Good. That was a nasty panic attack. Do you have them often?”

  Instead of answering verbally, I shrugged.

  “Can I get you anything?” I shook my head, and she sat down beside me, her hand on my back again. “What happened, honey? I thought you were with Jai and Noel?”

  At the sound of their names, I flinched, pain ripping through my chest anew. “I was.” As if she knew there was more to the story, she waited in silence, and I eventually broke down. “We had a fight.”

  When I sniveled pathetically, Bethany guided me into an embrace, my face pillowed on her chest. “Oh, Riley. I’m sorry. Do you wanna talk about it?”

  Surprisingly, I did. It was too confusing. My emotions overwhelmed me, and it was impossible to think clearly. Maybe it would help to talk with a friend. And if I could trust anyone, it would be Bethany, my very first friend.

  I searched for the words to explain. I couldn’t tell her everything about my angels; even if it was allowed, she wouldn’t believe me. I had to choose my words carefully.

  “I’ve known them a while,” I confessed. “Since I was a kid, I mean.”

  “Really?” She pet my curls like a dog, but it was comforting.

  I tucked my face into her neck as I tried to explain without revealing too much. “We were kind of friends, I guess. But we drifted apart. Now, we’re friends again.”

  “But you had a fight?” she prompted, and I nodded.

  “They lied.”

  “About what?”

  I couldn’t tell her. She’d think I was crazy. “It’s complicated.”

  Her hum vibrated through her chest and into my cheek. “Well, were they sorry?”

  They’d seemed sorry, or Jai and Noel did, at least. Gideon had been cold, aloof. I’d seen the flash of regret in his eyes, but then he’d looked at me like I was nothing but a stranger, some child who didn’t understand the world. Maybe I didn’t.

  “I think they were.”

  “Well, since I don’t know the whole story, my advice may not apply. But when I get into a fight with my friends or Derek, I find it best to take some time to calm down and assess my feelings. When I’m ready, I talk with them and see if it’s possible to make amends. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. That’s really up to you. Some things can be forgiven, but only you know what you can forgive and what you can’t.

  “Friendship only works when both parties care about each other and want what’s best for each other. It’s only healthy when everyone is invested in making the relationship work.” She patted my shoulder as I pulled away from her hug. “But everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. And everyone, even the best of friends, will fail and hurt you. Sometimes, we need to let go of our hurt and forgive if we want to move on.”

  She always made so much sense, and I subtly swiped my snotty nose with my hoodie sleeve as I nodded. “I don’t want to be angry or hurt, but I can’t help it.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with feeling angry or hurt. It’s actually healthy for you to feel those things and acknowledge that what they did was wrong. But after you’ve worked through it is when you need to make a choice. If the friendship is worth saving, then you let go of the hurt, you choose to forgive, and move forward.”

  I chewed on my cheek as I dissected her words. It made sense, but what if they hadn’t really been sorry? What if they were just trying to manipulate me?

  But if so, why? I couldn’t offer them anything. I was just me, just Riley.

  Their kindness had felt sincere, their invitations to friendship genuine. This morning, their anger had stemmed, not from my accident, but from the punishment itself. They hadn’t wanted me to discipline myself. Noel said it wasn’t healthy, that it was bad for me. That sounded like something a friend would say.

  Maybe they really were my friends, and they’d just made a mistake. Lord knew, I made enough mistakes myself. Could I really hold it against them? They were angels, but they weren’t perfect. They’d merely fallen from the too-tall pedestals I’d built for them.

  “Does that help at all? Do you feel better?” Bethany fetched another bottle of water for me.

  “Yeah, I guess.” I was feeling better, at least about the argument in the bathroom. When it came to what had led to the argument in the first place, I was still horrifyingly confused.

  In the past, I had never thought too hard on relationships, romance, or the things that resulted from them. Firstly, it wasn’t allowed in Ms. Janet’s home. Curiosity was bad, and thinking about intimate things was naughty. She made that very clear from the beginning.

  Secondly, I’d never wanted to think about it. I’d never been attracted to anyone before, never had the slightest interest, especially in regards to other boys. That was definitely not allowed.

  “Are you sure? You still look upset?”

  Could I tell her? Would she hate me? Would she still want to be my friend if I was… if I really was a… a faggot?

  “I think something’s wrong with me.”

  “What do you mean?” Bethany scooted closer, and when she took my hand in hers, I squeezed her fingers to anchor myself.

  “My foster mother was strict, and she told me lots of things I believed. But now, I’m confused.”

  “Confused about what?”

  That was the million-dollar question.

  “About me. About everything.”

  After a lengthy pause, Bethany tilted my chin and solidified eye contact. “Riley, there’s nothing you could ask or say that would make me think less of you. You’re my friend, and friends help each other. Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

  My eyes welled as I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Then I’m more than happy to listen.” She really was the most amazing girl I’d ever met. If there was anyone who could help me, it would be her.

  “Is it, um, bad to… to like other boys?” The words flayed my throat, but I forced them out.

  Her eyes widened, and my fear returned. Was she disappointed in me?

  “Oh, Riley, no. No, it’s not bad.” She thumbed away the tears trickling down my cheeks. “You didn’t know?”

  “Know what?”

  “Oh, wow.” Bethany sat back and released a long breath, the air puffing out her cheeks. “I thought, I mean, we all thought… And then I saw you with Noel, and I… We just assumed.”

  Oh, right. It wouldn’t be the first time everyone assumed I was gay.

  “Yeah, everyone does.”

  “I’m sorry. It was ignorant. We never should have—especially since you didn’t even, since you’ve been questioning.” Her broken sentences and apologies made no sense to me, and I patted her shoulder.

  “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not. You never paid much attention to girls, and you rebuffed Kayla at every turn. And then with Noel, you were all cute and happy, and I just thought—”

  I finally interrupted her self-flagellation. “I’m not mad. I’ve never liked anybody, y’know, like that. I still don’t, or at least, maybe I don’t. I don’t know.”

  “I can’t imagine how confusing this is for you,” she said.

  “That’s an understatement.” I chuckled mirthlessly, and she hooked an arm around my shoulders and squeezed.

  Did I like Noel or Jai? Like, like them?

  They were my friends—or they had been—but I didn’t want to date them, did I? Was it even possible? They were my Guardians which added a whole other layer of complexity. It was weird and probably not allowed.

  Plus, Jai liked girls, and even though Noel liked boys, there was no way he’d like me. He was an angel, a sweet, kind, beautiful angel who’d lived centuries longer than I had. He could like anybody; he wouldn’t choose me. Why would he? I wouldn’t choose me.

  An
d liking someone usually led to dating and dating led to… other things.

  I may have been getting better, but I still wasn’t good with touch. Maybe Ms. Janet was right about the sinfulness of physical intimacy. Maybe she wasn’t. Either way, I didn’t think I liked kissing. Granted, I didn’t have much experience, but my first and only encounter had been far from enjoyable. Would it be different with a boy? Did I want to kiss boys?

  For a moment, I allowed myself to analyze the happenings of this morning. Lying together, the warm snuggles, the comfort and safety of simply being held, I’d loved every second. The other touches, the more intimate ones, had been the turning point. Jai’s hand on my tummy so close to my groin. Noel’s leg sliding between mine. It had been an accident, of that I was sure, but it caused me—it—to react. Would I have responded if they were girls?

  Honestly, I didn’t have an answer.

  “How did you…” Bethany frowned as she searched for the correct words. “Did something happen? Like, with Noel?”

  “No.”

  Yes.

  “Not really.” She lifted a disbelieving eyebrow, and I blushed. “I just, erm, kinda…”

  This was humiliating. How was I supposed to tell her what happened? How could I possibly explain it was Jai and Noel in tandem that caused me—it—to respond, not just one of them? That was exponentially worse, wasn’t it?

  “You noticed how smoking hot your friends are?” She giggled as my flush deepened.

  What was the use of denying it? They were beautiful. “They are really pretty.”

  She pulled me into a tight embrace, and my muscles seized for a moment before relaxing into the hug. “There’s nothing wrong with admiring good looks. It doesn’t have to mean you like-like them; it just means you’re attracted to them. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

  I hid my face in her shoulder; it was easier voicing my insecure doubts when she wasn’t looking at me. “Are you sure?”