Lies In Rewind

by Tali Alexander

  “Am I finally gonna hear who this Jeffery Rossi is to you? And everything and nothing are not valid responses. I accept full sentences that include profanity. I’ve already concluded that he’s an arse by the way he left you in the middle of the night after he finished wanking off inside you. Don’t tell me he didn’t because I was here to see it with my own eyes, your honor. Your eyes are disturbingly sad and you haven’t stopped crying since we’ve officially met. And FYI, blokes who are not arseholes don’t put the women they care about in hotels to bang whenever they please and then go home when they’re done.”

  I attempt to be strong and not look away from his knowing eyes after everything he just said to me. It feels shameful knowing that he really was here last night, watching Jeff and me. And I know that everything he’s saying is factually true, he just has no idea the role I’ve played in my own misfortune. I did this! I allowed my life to spin out of control and get to this fucked up point, and I have no one to blame but Sara. I’m the asshole, the bastard, and the lowlife ruining perfectly good lives, not Jeff!

  “Is it the money?” he asks, momentarily shocking me with his question.

  “Really, Liam? Did you just ask me if my relationship with Jeffery is about the money? Does it always come down to money in your privileged world?” What an arrogant piece of shit this British fucker really is!

  “Well, why else would you be made to feel this way and carry on? Why would you let some stag leave you in the middle of the night with tears dried on your cheeks?”

  “It’s none of your business, that’s why. Get the fuck out of my life. I don’t owe you an explanation. Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong,” I bark at him.

  He gets up from his perch at the foot of the bed and comes over to me, towering over while I’m still half-lying in bed. “Well that’s bleeding rich coming from you. I didn’t ask to be here watching you fuck that tosser. Don’t go forgetting who summoned whom here pretending to be Emily, sticking her nose in my business…so imitating a self-righteous bitch won’t do you any good, sweetheart.”

  Up until now, he seemed nice, I could even pretend to understand what Emily saw in him and how he lured her into his bed. But seeing the way he’s frothing at the mouth and trying to intimidate me shows me his true ugly British colors. He’s come here to hurt Louis, and Emily is just part of his game. Not if I have anything to do with it, asshole.

  “Stop trying to psychoanalyze me, Sara. I say what I feel, no disrespect. I’m bloody clueless as to why you and Emily and my sister would want or need men like that in your lives. It’s driving me bonkers and I don’t have any answers. I’m hoping that you’ll tell me it has to do with money. Money I know, money I can understand. But if you’re not with that knobhead because of his loot, and seeing your current state and knowing it’s because of him…I’m lost. Sara, make me understand.” He sits down on the bed by my side, looking at his hands.

  “Liam, you and everybody else have no idea what being me feels like. You wouldn’t understand and I couldn’t explain it to you if I tried. This is my life and nobody but Jeff and I can understand our choices.” He looks away from his hands and back into my eyes.

  “Make me understand. I don’t know anything about you besides that you and Emily are best mates and you’re a lawyer. You have sad eyes and I’ve just decided that I want to know why and who’s responsible. I don’t think you’ll get a better deal today than a stranger wanting to hear your story. What are you frightened of? There is no way I could cause you more pain than him. I have nowhere to go, no one is waiting for me or looking for me. I’m all yours, Sara. Let’s talk and try to work your problems out. I won’t hurt you…I promise.”

  He hasn’t looked away from me and I don’t want him to. His eyes are clear, baring his own loneliness and desperation. I’d like to have eyes like that look at me without the pity and judgment. I wish I had someone besides Jeff who’d understand my choices and my mistakes. “Liam, do you really need for me to tell you about my fucked-up life? You’re just trying to get on my good side so I can help you find your way to Emily.” There, I said it. I’m not playing games with him; he has no reason to care about me or who Jeff is to me. His only motives are to gain my trust and access to Emily and somehow discredit Louis in the process.

  He gets up from his seat and kneels on the floor beside the bed, quietly observing me. He reaches out his hand to fix a lock of hair that fell into my eyes and places it behind my ear. I have my head on a pillow and his face is so close I can see his pores. He is kinda sorta good looking. If something were to happen to Louis, he’s not a bad plan B for Em; the silly thought pops into my head.

  “You’re going through something and you’re sad. It’s nice that you’re trying to help your mate and deal with me on her behalf, but I don’t think you have anybody to help you. I’m not here to pass judgment on you; I’m no saint. I won’t hold anything you tell me against you in a court of law, so help me God, nor do I need to repeat our conversations to anybody. But talking to someone, even a stranger like me, must be better than bleeding yourself to death on the inside. You need a friend and I’d like to be your mate, Sara, unless you plan on going back down to the pub to find that red-nosed wanker from last night. I come cheap, all I ask is for you to shuffle over and share this comfy bed with me and I’ll listen to you for as long as you want. And I make a wicked cup of tea with milk and two sugars.”

  This guy is unbelievable! I don’t understand what his angle is and why he’s bothering with me. I shouldn’t be talking to anybody other than Jeff, and he’s a goddamn stranger, the enemy. I can’t just tell him my life story; nobody but Jeff and I know the truth. But how nice would it be to say the truth out loud, to not have to lie. Maybe I could tell him a little bit if he promises me something. “I need you to promise me a few things and then you and I can upgrade our relationship status to pain buddies.”

  “Sure thing, what kind of deal am I about to make with an American lawyer?” he says with a big smile, still kneeling by my side.

  “You need to promise me, that a) you will not terrorize the Bruels by trying to get your sister’s book published, and b) whatever information I divulge about my life will never leave this room.” I have my hand out for him to shake on it. He’s looking at my hand and contemplating my deal, no doubt trying to figure out what he gets out of our agreement except a crazy story and a big headache. I add before he tells me and my deal to go fuck ourselves, “I also have information about your sister that you may not be privy to; if I can successfully get my hands on it, we can both see it.” This seems to pique his interest.

  “Can I add something to our pact?” he asks and I nod. “Will you promise to tell Emily that I never meant to harm her in any way? I’d like you to tell her that she means a lot to me and if she wants me to leave her alone, I most certainly will. But she needs to give me the chance to tell her about Isa and Louis.” As he says those words, I know one hundred percent that I don’t need him to sign any stupid piece of paper ensuring that he never hurts Em. I know with confidence that he would in no way do anything but love her if ever given the chance.

  “I will, Liam, I promise.” And with that we shake hands and form the Lonely Broken Hearts Club that has its first official meeting atop the Pierre Hotel.

  “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel

  Sara slides over on the bed and makes room for me. I toe off my shoes and climb in, jeans and all. It feels quite nice to lie down after spending the night hunkered down on that wretched bench. We’re both facing each other on our sides, and in a juvenile way, I’m a wee bit excited at the prospect of becoming better acquainted with this sad little bird.

  I only now see that her dark green eyes shine with tiny flecks of gold; they seem clearer, less clouded than before. She looks very sweet, like a human China doll with delicate features. She looks almost breakable. I catch myself before I fix her hair again. She’s not mine to touch, I need the reminder. I know I’ve seen her tits, but I must
make sure I only fancy her in a neighborly mate sort of way. I must remember this is about her opening up and letting go of some of her sadness. I’ll try and be her pal for a few hours and then arrange to go back home—wherever I decide home bloody is!

  My stupid fantasies ought to stop. If Emily truly wanted to see me, she would’ve found a way. I’ve been here for over a month waiting like a loon. Perhaps she truly reckoned it was Louis in her bed that night and not me. The thought makes my stomach churn. I felt more that night than I’d felt in my whole life. I had more chemistry with her than every woman I’ve ever known combined. On the other hand, she was pissed and did call out his name numerous times, but she felt perfect in my bloody arms. How could I have misread that? I get out of my head and forget that night to try and be present for Sara. I must stop thinking about Emily and think about Sara for now. She’s a lost sort and I suspect alone, emotionally at least.

  “Tell me, Sara, tell me how you got here. I think if you’re honest and allow yourself to trust me, we can discuss what’s been troubling you and perhaps make it better before we talk about my predicament.”

  She snorts out a laugh, which makes me smile and is probably the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Well, second sweetest thing I’ve ever heard, after Emily singing to me naked.

  “Okay, but you have to promise to not feel troubled once you understand that nothing you can say or do will help make my problems better. And you have to promise not to hate me after you hear my sordid tale…I hate me enough.” She must think that she’s the only one with baggage. I know what it feels like when nothing or no one can fix your pain. It doesn’t matter how much money I’ve got, or who my parents are, I will never have a sister. I became an only child two years ago and I don’t suppose anyone can fix that kind of pain.

  “I promise not to hate you and I will try to see things from your viewpoint. I’m sure you’re being much harder on yourself than you deserve.” I fail to restrain myself this time and fix that dark renegade lock that keeps falling into her eyes. She doesn’t say anything and lets me show her this small measure of affection. God, she’s lovely. I almost want to tuck her into me and tell her that everything is gonna be all right, one day. She’s not yours to touch. I can’t bloody wait to hear who it is this pretty broken bird actually belongs to.

  “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” by Bonnie Tyler

  I can’t do this, but I need to do this. I can’t just leave everything and everybody and disappear without anybody but Jeffery and I ever knowing the fucking truth. It would be unfair to tell Emily that everything she thinks she knows about her best friend is a fabricated lie. How selfish would I be if I piled all my shit on her? She has her own issues to figure out, her own crap to dig through. Hopefully, Liam will not be one of her problems. I mean, how could he? He really is a nice guy; I honestly believe he kinda sorta cares for her, in his own silly way. Emily will be okay without me, she’ll be better off, for fuck’s sake. What kind of friend am I if all I’ve ever done is lie to her about everything anyway? She has so many people that genuinely care about her, and most importantly, she has Louis and her kids. It hurts when I think about how much I lack in all aspects of my life compared to Em. Are my choices ever going to stop hurting me? Where is my happily ever after?

  I take a look at this stranger who just crawled into bed with me, fully dressed. He is handsome and sexy and The Sara would have him naked and riding his cock by now, but this Sara is just happy to have someone who wants to listen. I feel a physical relief at the possibility of having another human to talk to that isn’t Jeffery Rossi. If I admit the truth to myself, Jeff and I haven’t really talked since I agreed to marry Gavin. When I left for London, he finally got the message loud and clear that we’re not meant to be, and that things will never happen for us the way we’ve imagined and longed for. After my move to London, we finally stopped making empty promises that neither one of us could keep, so in essence, we stopped lying, at least to each other.

  Liam reaches out and moves my hair away from my face; it’s the second time he’s done this today. It’s not a big deal and it’s not sexual or anything, since I’m betting the farm he’s madly in love with Emily, but I still like it. He accidently brushes my cheek with the back of his fingers tucking my hair behind my ear, and I can’t pretend it doesn’t feel nice. Why couldn’t I meet a guy who was available for me back then? I’ve wasted half of my life pretending, chasing a promise that has amounted to nothing but lies. I don’t want to pretend anymore, I don’t want to lie…

  The prospect of telling this perfect stranger my past is making my heart pound at a horror-movie pace. I should tell him that I never do this, and how terrified and unprepared I am to talk about my life and its level of fucked-upness. “Liam, I don’t talk about my life with anybody. I’m not sure I can do this.”

  “You’ve told your best mate! Right?”

  I shake my head and feel the shame spread like wildfire. “I will lose my best friend if she ever finds out, and Jeffery will have lots of problems if the truth was to ever surface. I probably shouldn’t be talking to you about this at all. You will try to use this information to get to Emily. The only way you and I can talk is if I get some kind of non-verbal assurance from you. Like, you surrendering the files containing your sister’s book to me. I need to know I’m not a pawn in your game of revenge. I haven’t known you long enough to make any assumptions. You should know that Louis is under the impression that you’ve been trying to get that book published and humiliate his family as payback. Is that what all this is about?” I ask him point blank.

  Liam is silent, just watching me, and then suddenly, he springs off the bed and storms the room without a second glace or even a word to me. My heart drops at his sudden exit. I pushed him too far. The only person who ever pretended to want to talk to me, hear my problems and maybe make them better just left! This is my life in a nutshell. Everybody leaves me. I turn toward the mirror on the wall and look at my reflection as the tears roll down my face, yet again. This is my life, a perpetual state of tears. I would have thought by now I’d be used to rejection and pain, but surprisingly, it still hurts. I do my best to never let anybody close enough to hurt me. I’ve only bestowed that honor on one person. I close my eyes as I try to escape in my mind to a time before everything hurt, when every day was an adventure and the future had promise. It’s hard for me to find that place all those years ago; every disappointing year takes me further away from it.

  “Sara!”

  I hear Liam call me from somewhere in the room. I don’t even want to open my eyes and see if he changed his mind and came back. I just want to drown in a happy memory.

  “Sara, why are you bloody crying again? Oh fuck, love, no, no, I’m sorry, you didn’t think that…I just ran out to go get something. Sweetheart, please don’t cry—I wasn’t leaving you.”

  His words make me want to cry even more. I feel pathetic and worthless; it would be better if he actually did leave. I could go inside my head and find that happy moment and live there for a day or two. I feel him slide back into bed behind me and pull me against him. He wraps his arms around me and tucks his head into my neck whispering, “Sorry” over and over. My brain knows this is a friendly gesture meant to calm the crazy bitch he needs to deal with. However, his presence, his scent makes me feel things I haven’t felt in years. My stomach feels like the breeding ground for a butterfly farm. He shifts closer behind me and we’re completely flush, his body now touching every part of mine. The sensation causes every neuron in my body to fire and I’m starting to hyperventilate and overheat at the same time. What’s happening? What is he doing to me?

  “I want to be your mate, Sara; you and I need each other, and we shouldn’t be alone,” he murmurs into my neck.

  The feel of his breath on my skin warms me even more. I don’t like this; well, no, that’s a lie, I like this a lot, but he needs to stop touching me like this. We shouldn’t be this close, he should leave, it’s not right. How did thi
s become about us? I wonder as Liam slides his hand lower to my butterfly-filled stomach and forces my body into his even closer. This needs to stop now! I’m sure that it’s his dick I’m feeling through my shorts…this is crazy, what is he doing? The panic and excitement are growing.

  “Liam,” I say, and it comes out sounding more like a moan then a stop command. I can’t fucking trust my voice not to sound like a horny twat, so I try to stop this by placing my hand on top of his, which lingers over my lower stomach. He doesn’t interpret my hand on his as asking him to stop—he simply moves his hand and places it over my hand. His lips are still at the curve of my neck and I’m not sure what’s happening or if it’s my imagination, but I swear I feel him ever so slightly grinding into me. It’s either that or The Pierre is shaking.

  “Liam!” I try again, but I sound like a woman who hasn’t been laid in months. I just had sex last night with Jeff, why am I not stopping him? Alarm bells go off inside my mind, my body is ready to go to war with my brain. This man probably has feelings for my best friend; he’s trying to find a way to talk to her, so why are we dry humping each other? Am I also grinding into him? Fuck! I can’t stop. I’m a whore. He guides both of our hands up my body, using my hand to touch me, and it feels wrong, but I don’t want him to stop. I’ve never been sexual with another man besides Jeffery. I feel like I’m cheating on him and it’s fucking ludicrous because he’s freaking married! This, this is what’s wrong with me. I feel loyal to a man with whom, in the eyes of society, I’ve been cheating with for over a decade. That thought makes me laugh out loud.

  “Are you taking a piss out of me, Sara?” he says as he stops driving his hips into me.