Keeping Secrets

by Alyson Noel

  And I break out in an immediate sweat. I guess there’s a big difference between faking nineteen and faking twenty-one. He’s giving me this all-knowing stare as I unzip my Hello Kitty purse, which right now looks not at all hip but entirely juvenile. As I’m fishing around for my matching Hello Kitty wallet my hands are shaking and I’m contemplating whether I should really go through with this, or just ditch this plan and order a Shirley Temple, when Connor walks up and goes, “Alex! You look brilliant!” And then he hugs me and kisses me and says, “I see you’ve met Simon.” And then he slaps hands with the bartender and says, “Bring me a beer, and get Alex anything she wants.” Then he puts his arm around me and goes, “I’ve got us a booth in the corner.”

  I don’t relax until I’m safely seated in the booth with a menu on my plate and a cosmopolitan on the table in front of me. Then I make a mental note to trash this cartoon purse first thing tomorrow.

  “So what brings you to the neighborhood?” Connor leans on the table and takes a sip of his beer.

  I’m prepared for this question, so I say, “Well, I was up here for a meeting. Um, you know, with a professor. From my college.” Shit, that did not sound convincing.

  “And how was your meeting?” He looks at me and waits.

  “It went very well.” I nod my head and smile and try to look directly at him without blinking so I’ll appear more honest. “What about you? How was your day?” It’s better if he talks since I’m just not pulling this off like I thought I could.

  “My day was brilliant. Everything is coming together. But I can’t go into all the details just yet, it’s early still, and I don’t want to jinx it.” He winks at me.

  “Oh.” I nod my head and smile and take another sip of my drink. It’s sweeter than I imagined, and I’m not sure if I like it, but I feel like I should finish it after all I went through to get it.

  So when the waitress brings our fish and chips I look down at my plate and I’m disappointed to see that everything is beige. And I’m not even sure if I like fish and chips, but it’s what you’re supposed to get at Harry’s so that’s what we ordered. I watch Connor reach for some weird liquid stuff with a familiar scent and sprinkle it all over his food.

  “What’s that?” I ask, hoping this question won’t make me look like a dork.

  “Malt Vinegar, want some?”

  He’s offering the bottle and I can’t imagine why you’d put vinegar on anything, but since he’s English I figure he knows what he’s doing when it comes to fish and chips so I grab the bottle and start sprinkling. When I take my first bite, I’m surprised that I like it.

  “So,” he says, covering his mouth while he chews and talks simultaneously, “I may have to go back across the pond sooner than I expected.”

  “What?” I nearly choke on a chip.

  “Well, I’m not sure yet, but we have some contract issues that I might have to take care of back home.”

  “You mean, back in London?” Oh god, duh, of course he means London.

  “Yeah, maybe as soon as next week.”

  He wipes his mouth and takes a sip of his beer, then rakes his hand through his Hugh Grant hair and looks at me. “You see, we signed this band about six months ago and . . .”

  And he’s off, going on and on about business. I’m kind of listening, don’t get me wrong, and I’m definitely trying to act interested and happy for him, but the last thing I want to talk about is his leaving. Shit! I mean, where does that leave me? Not to mention the plans that I’ve made with him that he doesn’t know about yet. It’s like everybody has somewhere to go, and I’m the only one without a plan. M’s going to Princeton, Blake’s going to New York, and Connor has the record company and London. It’s like everyone has a map and a destination and I’m just wandering way off the trail.

  Thinking about this stuff just makes it really clear that tonight is just tonight, it’s completely temporary. A moment ago I was feeling so happy; just being in this cool place that was featured in a magazine, with an awesome guy that’s a younger, cuter, version of Richard Branson, it felt like enough. But by tomorrow morning my crappy life will still be there, patiently waiting for me. This whole night is starting to feel as borrowed as the dress I’m wearing.

  Connor looks at me with concern and says, “I’m sorry, am I boring you?”

  “No, of course not,” I say. I give him a smile and mask my thoughts, and when he reaches across the table to squeeze my hand, I squeeze back even harder.

  Chapter 16

  We’re driving down Sunset looking for this club, and I’m thinking with the amount of time M and I spend down here, you’d think I would know where it is. But with Connor, it’s a whole new scene.

  So his hand is on my knee and it feels warm and nice, so I place my hand on top of his and notice how small mine is in comparison. I’ve made a pact with myself to not think about how he’s leaving for London soon because I’m sure he goes back and forth a lot on business, which means he’ll definitely be back. And then the next time I’ll probably be going with him and my life will really start.

  “It should be coming up on the right. Give a shout if you see it,” he says.

  “What’s the name of it again?” I ask, fingering the hem of my dress and squinting out the window.

  “B Bar.”

  “I think you just missed it.” I look in my side-view mirror, watching the neon sign shrink as we drive past it.

  “No worries,” Connor says, and I clutch the edge of my seat as he makes an illegal U-turn and pulls into the tiny parking lot.

  He’s holding my hand when we walk inside, and I’m praying that I won’t get carded. But like Harry’s, he knows everyone so it’s not even an issue.

  We sit at a small table near the stage, and Connor leans in and goes, “So the band I want to see is the opening act. I just need to hear a few songs then we can leave if you want. I don’t know if you’ll like them, they’re a little mainstream, and personally I’d rather listen to blues, but there’s just more money to be made in pop.” He shrugs and smiles and I’m wondering if that’s what Richard Branson thought when he signed the Sex Pistols.

  So right when they dim the lights and some guy walks on stage to do a mike check, that Sam chick walks right up to our table, leans down, and gives Connor a shot of some major cleavage along with a transatlantic kiss, you know, like one on each cheek. I just sit there and watch them and my stomach feels weird and I’m not sure what to do. When she finally looks at me, I smile and say, “Hey.”

  “Hey,” she says, but I can tell she doesn’t mean it.

  Connor looks at her then and says, “You remember Alex?”

  And Sam just squints at me briefly then looks at Connor and says, “Not really. Should I?”

  I just sit there and I don’t say anything, even though I can think of like, a million snotty answers to that.

  Then Connor goes, “Trevor’s party?”

  But Sam just gives this innocent shrug, like she’s so sorry but she just meets too many important people to remember someone like me, then she grabs the chair next to Connor’s and slides it just slightly too close to his. She looks over at me then and gives me a big fake smile and even though I don’t smile back, I’ve got to admit, I’m feeling like I’m in a little over my head right now.

  I watch her turn to Connor and start talking in a voice so low it’s hard for me to hear, so I just sit there awkwardly and sip my water because I feel like I should do something but I don’t really know what.

  When the band comes on she finally stops talking and Connor reaches for my hand and gives me a kiss on the side of my neck. I can totally feel her watching us but when I look at her she just looks away.

  He’s right about the band. I mean, they’re not all choreographed and bland in that Backstreet Boys kind of way, but they’re definitely too top-ten list for me. But the lead singer is cute enough for MTV and that usually guarantees major record sales and People magazine covers.

  Halfway
through the fourth song Connor puts his mouth to my ear and whispers, “Wanna go?”

  I turn and kiss him in a way that means yes and I hope that Sam is watching.

  When we stand up to leave he says, “Sam we’re taking off, I’ll see you at the office tomorrow.”

  She looks surprised and says, “Where are you guys going? Maybe I’ll join you.”

  Connor shakes his head and says, “We’re going home. Calling it a night.” Then he grabs my hand and pulls me away from the table and when I look back she’s still watching us and it makes me feel really uncomfortable.

  When we get to Connor’s house I tell him I have to use the bathroom. Then like the second after he shows me where it is, I lock the door, turn on the faucet (so it will muffle the noise), then I practically ransack the place. I mean, I’m going at it like a jealous wife. Looking in his mirrored cabinet, his trash can, behind the plastic shower curtain, under the rug. I even look in the toilet tank because I saw that once on an old Law and Order episode.

  And the truth is, I don’t even know what the hell it is I’m looking for, but I just can’t stop. I mean, maybe there will be a stray tube of lipstick lying around, something a blonde would wear. But I don’t find anything, so then of course I feel totally ashamed.

  I guess I could have saved myself the trouble of making this mess and then having to clean it up, by just coming right out and asking Connor what their deal is. But the truth is, he’s not my boyfriend (yet), so it’s really none of my business (so far).

  Connor is in the living room sitting on the couch in front of a gas log fire. The room is all white walls with no art, no plants, just an overstuffed couch and an old carved door propped up on cinder blocks, and now serving as a coffee table covered in piles of papers, magazines, and CDs. There’s some great-sounding blues coming from the speakers and I stand in front of him and ask, “Who is this?”

  “Jonny Lang.” He grabs my hand and pulls me down next to him.

  “He’s really good, who is he?” I take a sip from the glass of red wine he hands me and try to calm my nerves.

  “He’s just a kid. Well, actually he’s maybe twenty now, but he was only seventeen when he made this. That’s him on guitar and vocals.”

  I sit on Connor’s couch and listen to the sound of yet another teenage overachiever, fully aware of Connor referring to a seventeen year old as “just a kid.”

  When he puts his arm around me and kisses me, I banish all thoughts of Sam, my crazy jealousy, and Jonny Lang’s age, and just try to live in the now.

  So, we’re on the couch making out and, well, I’ll spare some of the details, even though that’s the stuff people usually want to know about. Anyway, he unzips my dress and pulls it all the way off and tosses it on the floor. I’m lying there, naked except for my new thong, but now he’s pulling that off too, and even though he didn’t compliment me on my choice of underwear I’m still glad I bought it because cotton panties would have been embarrassing.

  He kisses me everywhere and I even let him continue where we left off last time in the cabana. It’s nice, but I’m not sure how long I’m supposed to lie there like that, so I push him. off, and start helping him undress. And when we’re both lying naked on this beige, slip-covered couch I slide down and do to him what he just did to me. I don’t know if that’s too gross to mention, but the fact is, I know how to give a blow job. Anyone who remains a virgin as long as I have pretty much has that covered.

  So then he pulls me back up so we’re face to face and then he reaches his hand down to the ground and fumbles around until he finds his jeans. His weight is sort of shifting on me and it’s kind of getting uncomfortable but when he comes back up with a condom I breathe a sigh of relief since I really didn’t know how to bring that up. Then all of a sudden he’s inside me and we’re doing it. And then we do it again. And then we go into his bedroom and fall asleep. And it didn’t hurt, and I didn’t bleed, so go figure.

  Chapter 17

  When I wake up the next morning, Connor has his arms wrapped tightly around me and I can feel his warm breath on the back of my neck, and I close my eyes and think about how glad I am that I held out so that he was my first. Because I’ve never, in my entire life, felt as happy, warm, and safe as I do right now. I finally know what it feels like to be in love.

  Then he whispers in my ear, “Are you awake?”

  And when I nod my head yes, he moves on top of me, and I just lay there kind of still because I’m still not exactly sure just how much I’m supposed to move around. And it’s not long until he grips me tightly, and mumbles my name, then he kisses me all over my face (but not on the mouth since neither one of us has brushed our teeth yet), then he rolls off me and says, “I’ll be right back.”

  I lay on my side watching his butt as he walks across the room, and I think about what M said, how losing your virginity is no big deal. But I totally disagree because it really kind of is. I mean, even though I’m still the same person, my relationship with Connor is totally different now. I just feel so much closer to him.

  I roll over and look at the clock next to the bed and totally panic when I see that it’s already seven-thirty Shit! There’s just no way I’m gonna be able to shower and make it to school in time for first period.

  I jump out of bed and run into the living room and start frantically gathering all my clothes together. As I’m struggling with my shoes Connor walks into the room and goes, “What are you doing?”

  “Getting dressed,” I say as I balance on one heel and adjust the strap.

  “Why?” He rubs his eyes, and squints at me.

  “Because I’m late.”

  “Late for what?” He comes over and kisses me. “Come on, take the morning off, we’ll have breakfast.”

  I lean my body into his for a moment and he feels so nice and warm, but then I push him away and get down on my knees and look under the old door/coffee table for my purse. “I can’t,” I tell him as I reach around on the floor. “I ditched school yesterday and I’m in enough trouble already.”

  Then I stand up and brush the creases out of my dress and when I look at him I realize I just outed myself. I stand there frozen, holding my stupid kitty purse, knowing that I can’t undo this.

  “Alex? What did you say?”

  Connor is looking at me with a face full of suspicion, and I know I have to come clean so I take a deep breath and say, “Okay. Okay. I know you thought I was in college, but I’m not. I’m only seventeen, well, seventeen and a half actually, almost eighteen! And I’m a senior in high school.” I gulp for air like an asthmatic.

  Silence.

  I take a step toward him and reach for his hand. It lacks emotion and lies limp in mine. “I’m sorry I lied. I guess I just figured you wouldn’t want to hang out with me if you knew the truth. But, I’m still the same person, really! That’s the only lie, I swear.” I look at him desperately and continue to squeeze his nonresponsive fingers.

  He’s staring at me, and he doesn’t look very happy. He shakes his head walks over to the couch, sits down and goes, “Listen, maybe you’re right, maybe I wouldn’t be hanging out with you if you’d told me you were still in high school. Shit! I’m twenty-three! I’m six years older than you!”

  “Five and a half!”

  “Alex, please. This is crazy! High school! God, I hesitated when you told me you were nineteen. And we had sex! And you’re underage!” He looks really upset and it’s all my fault.

  “Well, it’s not like I’m gonna call the cops! I mean, look, I’m sorry, really, I am.” I sit next to him on the couch and try to control my panic.

  Then he sighs and says, “Listen, the point is, you do seem a little young sometimes, but it never occurred to me that you were that young.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say. It’s all I can say.

  I’m facing Connor but he won’t look at me, he just sits there staring at the wall. After awhile he turns and says, “Look. You’re nice and I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you
. But I don’t know about this. This is a little weird.”

  So then I get up from the couch and rifle through my purse for my keys and by the time I look up I’ve got my emotions under control just enough to say good-bye.

  I’m walking toward the door, when I remember. My car is still parked on the street at Harry’s and I don’t know how I’m going to get it. I turn and look at Connor still sitting on the couch, but he’s so unhappy with me, that I just can’t ask him. So I say, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I disappointed you, I’m sorry I lied. But I had a nice time last night. Thank you.”

  I wait for him to say something more but he doesn’t.

  Chapter 18

  I walk hurriedly to the corner and pull my cardigan tight around me. The morning is cold and bright and I wish I had my sunglasses with me, partly because of the sun and partly because my eyes and my dress look like last night and it’s kind of embarrassing to be walking around like this.

  When I get to the corner I stop and fish my wallet out of my purse to see how much cash I have left. I count only seven dollars and eighty-seven cents, since I spent most of it at the makeup counter and the lingerie department and you see what a good investment in my future that turned out to be.

  I have no idea what to do, or how the hell I’m supposed to get to Century City from wherever it is I am. I mean, I don’t even know where I am! All I know is that it’s kind of far because I remember being in the car for awhile on the drive from Harry’s and then B Bar. So I just sit on the curb and I put my head in my hands and try to suppress the panic that is building inside me. And I wonder if my life will ever stabilize. It’s like at seven-fifteen Connor and I were making love and it felt like we were in love, and then just half an hour later I am literally on the curb.

  I blow my nose into a slightly used tissue I find in my purse, then I crumble it up and stick it back in there. I’m sorry, if that’s gross, but I’m totally opposed to littering. And then I grab my cell phone and call M.