Borderline

by Shabri Prasad Singh

  Meanwhile, I had a fight with the doctor and demanded to know what medication I was on. I found out that he had changed most of them, and presumably, without consulting with Dr Chugh. In my therapy sessions with Asha, she asked many questions, and always gave me her opinion on everything. She told me it was about time I moved on from grieving about my Papa. She also said it was pointless to have sex or maintain any sort of relationship with Pink. However, I made it very clear to her that what I did or did not was my decision.

  I had been at the rehab centre for a week now, and had developed my own routine. After my yoga, and after I had taken a shower, I would do puja and light some incense, and take it around the whole building in an effort to lighten the atmosphere and to make everyone feel better. Then, I attended the classes, hung out with the patients and gave them my own form of therapy, played badminton with the staff, and then repeat the puja and incense ritual after my evening shower.

  One night, after finishing with all the tasks of the day, Bhumika informed me that she was going to run away. I called Dr Ravi, and we helped her escape even though I was very worried about her. The staff did not notice until the morning, but by then Bhumika came back on her own as she was lost. I knew I was wrong in helping her run away, but the treatment that most inmates received at the centre was appalling. As a protest, we decided to go on strike.

  The following morning, I told everyone to gather all their stuff and come together at the gate. We sat in silent protest against the staff and their ill-treatment towards us. The bouncers and attendants came rushing out, trying to send us all back inside, but we did not budge. They used force, and we retaliated. They threatened us by saying that they would tie us up and inject us with sedatives, and would cut down on our quota of cigarettes, but we did not budge.

  Four hours later, Dr Rukhja, Anju and Asha arrived on the scene, bringing along cakes and sandwiches to appease us. However, we were not going to be placated so easily. We gave them a list of our demands. We were tired of being threatened to be tied down and injected, and wanted to be able to smoke without the fear of our quota being cut down.

  We also demanded to know the names of the medicines we were being administered, and what were their side effects. The issue of the bouncers hitting or slapping the patients was unacceptable to us. I also brought up the matter of cleanliness and hygiene.

  On the exercise regime front, I wanted the liberty for each one of us to decide what form of yoga and exercises each one was comfortable with. Cleaning up the swimming pool so that it could be used by us was also brought up.

  Dr Rukhja apologised profusely on behalf of the staff and their behaviour. He requested us to come back inside the building and continue with the classes for the day, as he looked into the matters that we had brought up.

  Everyone thanked me. We all sat together in the garden, making fun of the doctor and therapists, and coming to the conclusion that it was in their interests to provide poor facilities so that none of the inmates got better. The longer we stayed, the more money they would make. I thought that my parents should have done more research about this place before sending me here.

  Thus, we passed our days in the rehab by sharing each other’s sorrows of our respective disorders and addictions and joys of an extra cigarette stolen unnoticed.

  I still could not sleep, but I was definitely doing better. I still cried for my Papa.

  ***

  Love is the antidote, not theory,

  Understanding is the answer, not treatment that is gory.

  Rehab was a scary place at first, but I adjusted to it. They taught us about developing self-esteem and changing our mental processes, especially about addiction. In one of the classes, they taught us that the key to life lay in three steps:

  1. We should let others have their way.

  2. We should let events unfold naturally.

  3. We should be okay with the unknown.

  I could not help but wonder at these steps, feeling they were impossible for anyone to completely follow. How could we let people have their way with us? What if people were to demand bad things from us? The other two steps were okay in theory but in real life, how many of us could actually follow them? I was suffering from BPD, and I experienced anxiety almost every day, so it was very difficult for me to be okay with the unknown.

  My only relief was my puja ritual and playing badminton with the staff.

  One night, after everyone was asleep, things went out of control for me, and I had to be injected. As a result, I was able to sleep. When I woke up the following morning, I was feeling fresh after months, because I had slept. I did my morning ritual as usual, and I was calm and peaceful. So much so that I danced in the dance class, painted in the art class, and was nice to everyone.

  One-and-a-half months were over, and it was time for me to go back home. I was happy as well as sad, as I would miss the people here. At the same time, I also needed to get back to the world. However, the psychosis was not completely over. Dr Chugh was back in India, and we met up as soon as I was out of the rehab. After reviewing my medication, he was upset with Dr Rukhja.

  Dr Chugh immediately wanted to meet me as I left the rehab. We had an appointment for Monday and I got out on Saturday.

  That night at home, I was not able to sleep. Two familiar voices started to talk to each other in my head. They were debating and I was listening and I journeyed into my mind to finally meet them.

  Chapter 22

  ROSE AND THORNS

  Rose and her petals were seductive and bright,

  She stayed above Thorns and she was never right,

  She was the one I mostly listened to,

  Her impulses they always thrived.

  Thorns stayed below and she was mellow and wise,

  She always gave me the correct and right advice,

  For so long I always chose Rose,

  When I should have listened to Thorns,

  who would have made me grow,

  Thorns and her prickles may be sharp,

  But they protect Rose and me from the dark.

  The voices of Rose and Thorns—the voices in my head—are my guides, my counsels. They have been my companions for as long as I remember, and each has their distinct personalities. Though individualistic, they both live in me. Before I do anything, I talk to and debate with them, and they advise me with various options.

  Rose is the one who usually has an upper hand in my head. Her voice reaches me before the voice of Thorns, and that may be why her advice prevails. She is outgoing and impulsive, always looking for instant gratification of her needs and desires. Rose seduces and beguiles; she leads. She is a barfly; a nocturnal party animal, flaunting her sexuality. She beckons me from the centre of my most raw and primal emotions, and dares me to give into my animal instincts. Her emotions are intense and volatile, her temper short. She is a female Dionysus, revelling in excess and intoxication. Rose is like Freud’s Id, driven by desire, and a thirst to quench her most basic, selfish needs. However, Rose is confident and oddly innocent, pure of heart and soul. She knows not what destruction she wreaks on me.

  Prickly Thorns is the exact opposite of the beautiful Rose it protects, who rarely allows Thorns to come to her rescue. Thorns dwells beneath Rose, and is mature, wise, rational, charming, witty, serious, and intelligent. She likes to read, to cook, to stroll down a beach. She wants to draw me into greater knowledge, and into finding a purpose. She nudges me towards eating right, sleeping right, reading books, learning new skills, travelling to nourishing intellectual waterholes. She is a creature of nature and morals.

  Even though I want to heed the advice of Thorns, I cannot, because it is hard to follow. She finds my anger and jealousy primitive, and often talks about human evolution from the primitive to the rational. Since she cares only for inner beauty and wit, she tries to reason me past my obsessions, and asks me to let go of men who reject me. She knows what I suffer from, assures me that I can get over these illnesses only if I put my min
d to it.

  Everyone has these two voices in their head, constantly telling them what to do. My mother puts it very simply: ‘One voice is black, and the other white.’ The night when I returned home from the rehab centre was the first time ever that I acknowledged Rose and Thorns. Soon, the three of us were engrossed in a debate: Thorns tried to take me through a catharsis. Rose opposed.

  ROSE : I want to know why she’s not drinking. Who is she doing this for?

  THORNS : You know that it’s best for all of us, and especially for her illness, that she does not do it for a while.

  ROSE : She and I want a drink; we need one, and it’s not easy for us.

  THORNS : Drinking solves no problem. In fact, it is THE problem.

  ROSE : Why can’t she have just a little bit of wine to somewhat ease her suffering?

  THORNS : We both know she has been in very damaging situations. But she has endured them, because she is strong. She doesn’t need alcohol, and she doesn’t need a man to complete her; she is enough by herself. She needs to lay the ghosts of her past to rest and live in the present.

  ROSE : If all I am saying is wrong, what are you saying?

  THORNS : I will teach her how to control her emotions and not be at the mercy of her illness. I will teach her to grow intellectually.

  ME : Both of you are right.

  ROSE : Yes, get a drink. Stop fussing.

  THORNS : The best escape is no escape, Amrita.

  ME : What do you mean?

  THORNS : You have to embrace life. Therefore, have options, not necessities. The weak want to escape. You are not weak. You have endured violent storms and you are still alive. That is a miracle.

  ME : Yes, it is. I am learning to deal with anxiety and pain with a sober mind, and I feel more in control.

  ROSE : Thorns and your parents are trying to make you conform, and you know you hate that. Is anyone changing for you? The way I see it, people are expecting too much from you.

  ME : You know I hate the idea of being trapped. My parents probably are expecting too much from me, and I am the only one changing. You are right about that.

  THORNS : Rose, they are not controlling her. They want what’s best for her. When she stabilises no one will question or hound her. The trust she has abused will take time to heal.

  ROSE : She is alone, abandoned, miserable, sexually unfulfilled … she needs intimacy; and more importantly, sex.

  THORNS : Rose, don’t make her chase men who don’t want or deserve her. Human nature is naturally averse to desperation. I guarantee you that if she had backed off and not given any attention to those losers, they would have come back to her. I know she would have not wanted to be with such people. She is better off alone than with the wrong man, and empty sex will lead her nowhere. Let her be happy with herself.

  ME : Happiness has always eluded me. I desperately seek it in men but never get it. If I met self-love, it would be a stranger.

  ROSE : You will be happy if you stop suppressing your desires. You are too busy making other people happy, so how can you focus on yourself?

  THORNS : No man could make you happy; look for happiness within yourself. It is as easy as breathing if you let it into your life.

  ME : If being happy is as easy as breathing, why haven’t I been happy all my life?

  ROSE : Thorns, if a man makes her happy, if drinking and partying make her happy, why shouldn’t she do all those things?

  THORNS : Imagine an island: Palm trees, soft sand, warm sun, crystal blue water, bright flowers, and you. You are happy, you are in the water, and tender waves are brushing you. You are floating in the water and you are at peace. Now imagine Pink with you, and he wants you to leave the island to come and be with him. He offers you sex and drinks and drugs. Would you go with him, Amrita?

  ROSE : What if she is in love?

  ME : I don’t know if he is my true companion. However, today, after coming back from rehab, I found bouquets of my favourite flowers from Pink; I also had 143 missed calls from him.

  THORNS : No, the reason I say this is because all your life it’s been from one wrong man to the next. Pink makes us all happy, Amrita, but you need to find continuous contentment first on your own. You need to deal with your damaged and scarred self, and the loss of your Papa, on your own first. Become stable, and then we will see about a man. You first, Amrita.

  ROSE : But I love Pink.

  THORNS : It is not love, because if it were, I would have known.

  ME : How do you know it is not love?

  THORNS : How can someone love another if they don’t love themselves.

  ROSE : Fine, but you will regret listening to Thorns.

  THORNS : Love me, love yourself.

  ME : I am not a saint. These emotions are natural and they are a part of my BPD. I feel the need to love and be loved all the time. I feel my parents are ignoring me. I smother people because I love them too much. I collapse under criticism. I am a prisoner to the thoughts and views of others. Why do people matter so much to me?

  THORNS : You can free yourself. You, not others, have to be the centre of your own world.

  ME : But how?

  ROSE : It is all too deeply embedded in her mind. She will never be free.

  ME : No matter what I do, I seem stuck in the same rut. Emotions and feelings are aggressively compounded in me. When my father died, I never really let him go, and this has nearly driven me insane. My relationship with my mother has always been edgy, and we have both always tried to win every argument. She does not approve of my choices. Do you know how it feels when your own mother has no faith in you? That’s probably why I have no self-love, no self-esteem. My therapist has been trying to explain to me that I need to invest in myself, but I don’t. Purnima sees potential in me, so why don’t I? I have never reacted to loss with grace and dignity. The poison of rejection runs through my veins, constantly reminding me that I am worthless. Rejection makes me go out and do something reckless, to feel alive again. But nothing can fill the hole in my heart. I have this need to love people but I can never love myself. My happiness and elation are synthetic. How can you free me from all this?

  THORNS : All this is the language of a borderline. Sing a different tune, alter your flow of thought. You talk about acceptance from other people, but have you ever accepted yourself? Accept yourself first to be accepted by others. You look in the mirror and you feel you are not good looking; you try to write and then you say your writing is worthless; you get dressed and in my eyes, you look so beautiful, but you constantly tell yourself you are not looking nice. You subconsciously feel you don’t deserve to be happy, and that’s why you are afraid to be happy. When you start accepting yourself for who you are, then everything will fall into place.

  Intense emotions can be fine-tuned and kept in check. To control them, one has to not react. No matter how bad the provocation, no one should have so much power over you.

  As for the emptiness and the depression, remember, if you cannot fill your own void, no one else will be able to. All the answers are within you. You have allowed your mind to be your enemy, but now, allow it to be your friend; you will be surprised at the results.

  I’m your friend; I am born from you, and am a part of you. You will always have me and so, in truth, you are not alone. Listen to Rose because we know we cannot keep her shut, as she is also a part of you. But you don’t have to act on all the crazy things she says. Her voice does reach you first, but if you just wait for a few moments, my voice and my advice will come, too. And you can be assured that my advice will be rational and not impulsive. The more patience you have, the less impulsive you will be.

  Now, self-love is a mystery to you. It is a maze you enter and get lost in. You don’t know it, but I am your self-love. You have always had me, but never really embraced me. If you decide to listen to me, you will automatically begin to love yourself and that will most definitely solve all your problems.

  ME : Thorns, you are right. I admire your subst
ance, your wisdom and your qualities. I have always secretly wanted to be like you. I have always had you, which means I have always had self-love. I have just ignored and avoided it for so long. My quest for self-love began in all the wrong places, when it was actually within me from the start. But I’m scared. What if I am in a situation where the impulses and self-destructiveness pull at me again? What will I do then? Will I be able to find you in time? Or will I listen to Rose, like always? Will I be able to follow your path? Will I be able to stay rational and patient, and in control?

  ROSE : No, you will not be able to. You will listen to me, because I will give you immediate and instant gratification. Isn’t that what life’s all about: Enjoying yourself, partying every day, drinking, having sex, doing all the things that bring pleasure!

  THORNS : Amrita, you can be rational, patient, and, above all, happy. This is the first time I have been able to get through to you. The medium through which I talk to you was blocked for so long. It is finally clear and open, so please give yourself credit for that. Life is about balance between pleasure and pain, responsibility and adventure, work and fun. From now on, I will lead you on a journey that balances everything. When you go out and party, I will be there stopping you from your excessive drinking. When there is anger and intense emotion coming your way, I will filter them and make you realise that they are useless, and you yourself will let them go. We are in this together, and I know you will decide to listen to me, even though Rose will try to persuade you to do things her way. No more looking elsewhere, since I’m right here.