Transcending Nirvana (Dark Evoke #3)

by V. L. Brock

  “What’s the matter?”

  “We’re out of milk and I’m dying for a coffee. I couldn’t stomach that stuff they tried to call coffee in the station.”

  Walker snorted and shook his head. He looked distant, as though he was taking each minute to absorb everything that was in the apartment, every sight, sound and smell.

  “Do you mind if I take the truck to go to the store?” she asked, surfacing from the hallway and touching her hand to his slumping shoulder from beside the couch.

  I watched on as he took hold of her hand delicately, like a father cradling their newborn child. The love and adoration she had from him was enough to drown in. That was a trait of the Walker men. They loved their women till the end of time; they’d kill for them, and protect them with their lives.

  And now that Kady was his, Walker was in the position of power to do just that.

  He guided her around the arm of the couch and she squealed lightly as he pulled her into his lap. His face caressed and stroked by her hand, his brow nudging an encouraging rhythm against hers before their lips crashed together. The first proper kiss they had shared since being separated and even I, from the opposite side of the table, could feel the earth shifting for them as the intensity grew to needy proportions.

  “Of course you can,” he muttered when they came up for air. All I could do was smile. “Just be careful, darlin’,” he told her as she shimmied off his lap and tore the truck’s keys from the door side table.

  “I love you,” Kady mouthed.

  “I love you, darlin’. Always.”

  The silence of the room was enough to drown in. Walker shunted himself from the couch and took four strides to the bay window, and even though she probably couldn’t see him, he was watching her get into the truck, with his white and crimson stained shirt tightening around his biceps as he folded his arms over his chest. “Did you do what I asked?” he asked, still staring down below.

  Watching my fingers knotting in my lap, I muttered, “I did and I didn’t.”

  “You did and you didn’t?” I knew he was facing me because his voice was more direct, like I could feel the tone of his voice aimed at me. I lifted my head and nodded. “What do you mean, cuz? I asked you to do one thing––”

  Yes, one thing that was asked under pressure. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to not only do something that Walker may come to regret––no, not may––will come to regret, but the selfish side of me didn’t want to risk it because I knew how much I was in the wrong for going along with the idea in the first place.

  And I told him that.

  He lowered himself in front of me, obstructing my front row viewing of the dipping floorboards, and set his hands on my thighs. “Laurie, you have to stop thinking of what you can lose, and think about what you can protect.”

  “I knew I’d done the wrong thing with not going through with it when she told me exactly wha––” I fought to halt my words which were being spewed frantically. Walker’s eyes were dark by the time I lifted my gaze.

  “Told you what exactly?”

  I gasped slightly and shook my head. Attempting to drop my head to avoid his hardening stare proved impossible when my chin was caught between his fingers, my head lulled back. “Told you what, Laurie?”

  “The accident…”

  “What about the accident?”

  “Her injuries…they weren’t all from the crash.” His jaw was set and I swore I could hear the grinding of teeth from under his cheek. The rise and fall of his chest altered to borderline erratic.

  “He…” he panted.

  “That’s not all,” I breathed. I didn’t want to disclose it with him, it wasn’t my place to, but knowing a partial story and having your imagination filling in the blanks was much worse than hearing the entire story, right? “Her doctor found traces of those tranquilizers in her blood when they took her in. She said he forced it down her throat. When she left, they kicked in…”

  I saw the rapid shifting of his eyes as though trying to assimilate the information I had just reluctantly given. “That’s why she sounded sleepy on the phone,” he said to himself. Unfolding himself from his squatting position, he paced the length of the couch, crunching his knuckles before scouring his hand down the stubble coating his mouth. When he finally stopped, he twisted to face me and pointed a scornful finger. “I’m not risking losing her again. Get on that fuckin’ phone and make that damn call.”

  Kady

  A dark cloud had been chasing me the entire journey back to the apartment from the store. So, parking the truck in Walker’s usual space, I snatched the milk from the bench seat and made a quick escape to The Pavilion entrance, ducking out of any possible chance of being caught in a looming downpour.

  It seemed that each door I passed as I headed up the stairway, the usual sounds that I had already heard coming from inside the property at one point or another, were doomed to keep repeating themselves as though in some form of unending time loop. The shouting over blaring music from 2a, headboard banging from 3b, a baby crying from 3a…same old sounds just a different day.

  The people involved in last night’s forced entry had damaged the lock, so knowing that the chain on the opposite side would be slipped into place when I left, I knocked on the green door with 4b written on it in black marker.

  When he answered the black jeans with white and bloodied shirt was gone, in their place, a pair of blue, faded jeans and a tight white Levis’ T-shirt was molded to each muscle and stretched over his bulging arms.

  “At least we can have a decent cup of coffee now,” I muttered, lighthearted. When he stood aside to let me in, his face was unreadable which had me somewhat on edge. The reason for his inscrutable expression sucker punched me in the gut, as soon as I entered. Winded, my body froze. “What the fuck is she doing here?”

  Rising from the chair that Laurie usually occupied, her throaty voice made my blood curdle, but not as much as the endearment she had the audacity to greet me with. “Chick, I can explain.”

  “Explain? You want to explain? Are you serious?” My body somehow managed to find the strength amidst the boiling rage in my gut, and before I knew it, my legs were carrying me over the floorboards in slow, menacing strides. “Do you even know what you’d done to me? Do you even know what I’d been fucking going through?”

  “Kady, please…” Walker placed his body between me and the whore who had near enough wrecked my life, and propped his hands on my shoulders. “Just spare a few moments and we can explain.”

  “We? We? WE can explain…? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” I tried to bypass the wall of muscle obstructing my target, but it was of no use. Instead, I craned my head around his muscular arm and pointed a disgruntled finger at her. “If you have laid one slutty finger on Walker, I swear to God you’re going to want to run for your fucking worthless life. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!”

  My once best friend at least had the courtesy to look contrite as she hung her head and jolted at my harsh, shouted words.

  My regard was torn away from the slut on the chair to Walker who continued towering over me, his large, warming hands loitering on my shoulders. My anger at having Liv in the apartment was soon turning into resentment aimed at the man who was stopping me from getting at her to rip her Goddamn nails off with pliers after what she had put me through. I shook my head and gnawed on my inner cheek before muttering, “Five minutes, then nails are getting torn from fingers.” Then, dragging myself from his clutch, I dropped into the furthest couch cushion from her.

  “Can I get you a drink, Liv?” Walker asked.

  “A drink?” I snorted, derisive. “Why not offer a fucking sandwich as well.”

  “No thank you, Walker. I’m fine.”

  “Very well. Kady?”

  His words flew right over my head. “I said five minutes, you’ve already lost a minute so I suggest the pleasantries stop and you explain everything which needs explaining.”

  Her chest rose and her shou
lders broadened when she drew in a deep breath. Scooting to the edge of the seat, she crossed her legs. “Kady…I know that you’re angry, and I know that I’ve hurt you and that you feel betrayed, but I can explain my actions and why we did what we did.”

  “I know why Liam did what he did, Liv––”

  “She meant me, Kady,” the soft, Irish lilt came from the man beside me, his back resting against the cracked plastered wall with his arms folded, his throbbing tribal tattoo framing his muscles as well as his T-shirt.

  My world stopped and once again was I left to question my sanity as I tumbled down another Hellish moment of my life. “What…?”

  “Do you remember the night we were in your apartment, Kady, when you were still in Dorchester? The night Liam went out and I dug about all the things that were changing?”

  I nodded.

  “I could see how wrapped up in him you were. And I don’t mean wrapped up in the lovey-dovey sense, I mean wrapped up in a distorted, Liam-DeLaney’s-shit-doesn’t-stink-and-I’d-kill-myself-to-make-him-happy sense. It wasn’t right, Kady. I’d been your best friend for years, and I could see him crushing you.”

  “Just get to the point, Liv.”

  “That was why I suggested a three-some. Kady, I’m a fucking stripper. I’m used to using my body and sexuality to my advantage, it’s all I know. I thought if you saw him crossing that line that it might have sparked something in you to stand up and say enough is enough. But it didn’t.”

  My nail snapped and as I peeled the edge of it away, I shook my head and lifted it slowly to meet her gaze. “Yeah, it was my entire fault. It was my fault that I couldn’t see past him and my desire to make him happy, it was my fault each time he hit me and I made excuses, it was my fault that I didn’t see your sick, master plan for what it was,” I bit out, somehow managing to keep a grasp on a thread of control.

  “She’s not blaming you, Kady,” Walker muttered to the floor. “She’s just saying that––”

  “I know what she’s saying and I’ve had enough of it. Get. To. The. Fucking. Point.”

  “You’ve got it wrong, Kady. It wasn’t your fault that you couldn’t see what he was doing to you. That’s what they all do, I know that. He was isolating you; you dropped your own sister because of him. I thought that if I used myself as a distraction for him, then things would be easier for you.”

  This made absolutely no sense. “What? What planet are you on?”

  Her hands were fisted into her brunette hair, which was drawn over her shoulder and braided. “I know it doesn’t make sense, but it did to me and it did at the time, Kady.” She dropped her hands to her thighs and, ejecting herself from the chair, she stepped around the coffee table, joining me on the sofa at my right. “I thought that if I was taking him away, letting him recharge his batteries and giving him something…different…that he wouldn’t be so angry and demanding with you, that it would give you a little space.

  “When he had you put into Pinewood, Walker and I came up with a plan. Our intentions were the same so it made sense to work together.”

  My heart rate spiked, I could feel the pounding of it against my ribs, ricocheting throughout my entire body as I turned my attention to Walker. “You…” I gasped, short of breath. My lone word beckoned the lift of his head. That timid expression with a raised brow and hooded eyes, for the first time I could remember, didn’t have an effect on me. It was an, I’m as guilty as sin expression; it made me choke and shudder.

  “It was easy to blame the time away on business trips,” Liv continued to speak, still, my attention remained on Walker. “As you now know, there weren’t any meetings, he was with me. You can be pissed as much as you want, Kady, but if anything, me taking him away from you for those few nights a month helped you––”

  I turned to face her. “Helped me––?”

  “Were you ever on your own?” she asked, deadpan.

  In those few seconds, I revisited each and every so called ‘business meeting’ Liam went on. Frowning, I turned to Walker. “We got closer…”

  “And you started to find yourself again.” Her words continued flowing while I gaped at the man which held my confused and shattering heart. “That man over there gave you hope. He drew out the miniscule bit of the independent, carefree, Kady Jenson that I knew before Liam turned you into his punching bag.

  “You were never on your own,” I jolted, feeling her hand on the back of my knuckles, I turned to face her. “I had to make a choice, chick. I either lost you as a friend or I lost you to a pile of dirt in the ground, and trust me, that was where it was going if I didn’t try and stand between you and Liam. I made my choice.”

  “The look you gave me, Liv, the day of the accident in the coffee shop…” my voice broke as chills spawned in my body at the recollection alone.

  “That was because I was relieved that we had been caught out, that you knew and could see for yourself what type of man he was. When you left, I told him that I was done, that I wasn’t going to do it anymore, but then there was the accident and you lost your memory and everything that both Walker and I had done, was wasted. So, I swallowed my pride, and just like Walker, I made the choice to repeat everything to hopefully spark something for you. I groveled for Liam to take me back. The ‘business trip’ excuse was used again, so he”––she tipped her head to Walker––“could swoop in and help you remember something.”

  “But how did he know about us? He came home early. I thought Steinbeck had called him, but she told me the other day that she didn’t…who told him…?”

  “Me…” I heard his broken, splintering voice come from my left. I turned in my seat. “I told him.”

  “You…you told him?” I gasped. “You put me in danger, Walker. He…he…”

  “I know. Trust me; a day hasn’t gone past where that action wasn’t regretted. That’s why I didn’t want to leave you there. You think I came back here when I left you? I didn’t. I went to Da’s and I gut myself open with what I’d done. That was where I was when I called the house and when that line went dead…”

  Shaking, I lifted my hand up to stop his words. I felt so betrayed. It was less than six hours ago that I acknowledged that we were nothing but pawns in Liam’s game. Now I felt like nothing more than a prop in a well-directed play…it was too much.

  Lifting my ass from the couch, I stormed out of the living room, down the hall to the bedroom.

  Walker

  It was tearing my heart to shreds, but I let her have a few moments to herself. The silence that surrounded Liv and I was suffocating. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, I made my way down to the bedroom and knocked on the door once before pushing it open.

  The last time she felt deceived, she fled to that very room and curled up on the bed. But not this time.

  I watched her move toward the closest with an arm full of clothing, then back to the bed where she stuffed her belongings into a duffle bag. The need to reach out and take her in my arms and apologize was overwhelming. But I had to remain strong and fight that urge with all I had.

  The sound of the zipper sealing the bag was so intense that I swore I felt the vibrations in my chest. She was standing at the foot of the bed, her hands wrapped around the black iron footboard as she hung her head. “Where’s the rest of my money?”

  The lump in my throat stopped any words from being freed. My eyes screwed shut.

  “I said, where is the rest of my money, Walker? I don’t have time for this; my cab will be here in a few minutes.”

  I lifted my right hand to my mouth, scouring over the accumulation of stubble that she loved. Defeated and pained, I heaved a sigh then made my way around her, breathing in her scent as I passed and pulled a book from my bedside. Flipping it open, I removed the collection of hundred dollar bills spread out between the pages, before handing them to her in silence. I had to keep silent because if I didn’t, I knew I would have begged her to stay.

  Into the bag she stuffed the money, and l
ooked up at me for the first time in what seemed like hours. “You said you loved me, yet everything you did, whether it was out of good intention or not, just hurts me. I won’t allow myself to be hurt by never-ending lies like I was when I was with him. Not anymore.”

  My thumb nail scraped at the center of my upper lip as I nodded. “Good.”

  With the strap hooked over her shoulder, the bag was hauled from off the bed and she made her way to the door. For that brief moment when she halted with her hand on the doorknob, I saw her turn to face me, and as much as it killed me to do so, I lifted my head.

  “Goodbye, Gerry,” she murmured, then fled the apartment, taking my heart with her once again and dropping kicking it down the stairs.

  When I heard the apartment door closing, I left the bedroom and went to stand at the bay window in the living room. I watched her as she folded herself into the cab.

  “You okay?” Liv asked.

  “That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do,” I muttered, gazing down at her closing the cab door.

  “Letting her go?”

  I shook my head and exhaled. Letting her go would have been easier, at least it would have been honest. “Pushing her away.”

  “I still don’t understand why you did that?” I felt her presence behind me and I knew she had stood up from the couch and was standing in close proximity.

  “Did what?”

  “Say that you were the one who tipped Liam off that night? She already hates me, Walker. There was no need for you to take the blame for my actions.”

  “It was the only way, Liv.” The glass was cold on my palm as I pressed my hand on the window, the car pulling off down the block.

  “Only way?”

  I turned to face her, muttering, “To get her to hate me enough so I’d stop thinking about what I was losing, and think about what I was protecting.”

  Liv

  I didn’t expect the phone call from Laurie that morning, let alone expect another from her the same afternoon. The first call she told me what Walker wanted to do. She didn’t agree with it, and to some extent, neither did I.