Mind Over Mind

by Karina L. Fabian

  They had to stop!

  “Sachiko!” He managed to twist his head away from her, push her back just a little. “’Ko, honey, please. I love you, and I really think it’s best if we don’t do this!”

  “What?” She pulled back from him, her body taut, her voice cold.

  Joshua, with his blood ringing in his ears and his body screaming its own protests, didn’t notice. “It’s just that I’ve let things go too far too fast before and it was a disaster and—”

  “What did you say?” Her demand came out staccato, yet he still didn’t notice.

  “I said we should stop, wait.”

  “Before that!”

  Slowly, he collected his wits. “I…I love you?”

  Sachiko closed her eyes, her expression one of such pain, disappointment and even fear that it drove all thoughts of lust from Joshua’s mind. “What is it, honey?”

  “Don’t call me that!” She pushed away from him and went to gather her things.

  “Huh?” Joshua leapt off the bed—couch!—and reached for her.

  She swung around, nearly hitting him with her helmet. “Look. I don’t know what game you’re playing, but those words have a very specific, very special meaning to me!”

  Josh jumped back defensively. “Me, too!”

  “Yeah, right.” She slammed the door behind her.

  Joshua stood slack-jawed and blinking until he heard the Harley’s roar. He dashed out the door, calling her name, but she was gone. He went back in, slammed off the CD player, and threw himself on the couch, his mind a jumble. Ten minutes later, he reached across to grab the phone.

  “Sachiko, honey? Listen, I—I have no idea what just happened. Please, please call me when you get home and explain this to me. I want to make this right. I—” He hung up before he could sound any more pathetic. Finally, he took a shower, dressed in more professional clothes, left another phone message for Sachiko, and headed to the hospital. Maybe Ydrel—Deryl, now, Deryl—could explain what he’d done wrong.

  *

  He walked into Deryl’s room to find Danika reading aloud from her historical romance while Deryl dozed. Joshua hesitated at the door, but Deryl opened his eyes.

  “I’m awake. Hey, Danika, I’ll bet Josh can watch me while you go get something to eat.”

  Danika gave Joshua a puzzled look, but set her bookmark in her book and got up.

  “If you read that, you have to tell me what happens!” Deryl called after her. Once the door was shut, he raised his bed so he was sitting. “All right, what happened with you and Sachiko?”

  Joshua flopped into a chair and told him a somewhat edited version of the story. Deryl didn’t look so well, and anyway, he didn’t need all the more…personal…details. When Josh finished, Deryl turned his head drowsily toward his friend, blinked owlishly, and started cussing.

  “Hey!” Joshua snapped. “I came here for help, not to get chewed out.”

  “Not you. Ma—her ex. Didn’t Sachiko tell you?”

  “I know she’s had a bad experience. What about it?”

  Deryl sighed in exasperation. “Don’t you two talk? Or do you just suck face whenever you’re alone?”

  “Have you got anything useful to say?” Joshua replied stonily.

  “Useful…useful…” Deryl’s focus faded. He shook his head. “You have to talk to her about him. About, all of it. Otherwise, things’ll get bad between you two.”

  “Worse than now?” Joshua asked sarcastically, but Deryl turned to him, his voice urgent, his eyes contracted to mere pinpoints.

  “Yes, worse! And she has to be there. It’s important she be there, or my baby might die, and Tasmae—and she won’t be, unless you are and you’re together and…and…” Suddenly, his eyes dilated back to normal, and his expression glazed. “What was the question again?”

  For a moment, Joshua wasn’t so sure, himself. “What does Sachiko’s jerk of an ex have to do with her walking out on me?”

  Deryl rolled his eyes in that familiar way that said Joshua was missing the obvious. “He’s a master manipulator. Everybody thinks he’s such a great guy. Even Sachiko. Did. Wrapped around his little finger. Stupid, evil, son of a—”

  “So? What’s that got to do with me?”

  Deryl sighed. “Guess what his favorite words were?”

  “I don’t know. I—” Then he knew. He groaned.

  Deryl spoke in a controlled, mature tone, a lot like Dr. Malachai’s most professional voice. “‘I love you, Sachiko dear, and I think it’s in our best interests if we—’ Funny how we always meant she.”

  “But I do love her, and I do think it’s best we wait. How do I convince her I’m sincere?”

  Deryl didn’t seem to be listening. “She took all the risks, made all the sacrifices. Gave him everything. She even…” He shut his eyes and was silent. Joshua watched him morosely for a few minutes, then sighed. He’d have to figure it out himself.

  Deryl’s eyes snapped open suddenly. “What would you risk for her?”

  Caught by surprise, Joshua answered, “Anything.”

  “What would you sacrifice?”

  “Short of my soul, everything.”

  “Prove it.”

  “How?” But Deryl’s eyes had shut again, and this time he snored slightly. A short while later, Danika returned, and Joshua left. He drove to Sachiko’s apartment to see if her bike was there—it wasn’t, so he headed home. How could convince her of anything if she wouldn’t talk to him outside of work, when she had made it clear their relationship was to remain secret at work?

  Then he remembered just what she’d said about that: “Unless we’re engaged or something, and then you can sing it in the halls, for all I care.”

  By the time he got home, he had the beginnings of a plan. He bounded the steps to his apartment and went straight for the phone. “Rique! Don’t kill me, man; I know I promised, but—you’ve got to help me write a song.”

  CHAPTER 32

  “Earth to Sachiko!” Monique waved her hand in front of the computer screen to pull Sachiko’s eyes away from it. “C’mon, girl, can that log actually be that interesting?”

  “I’m just trying to catch up on the weekend,” she replied evenly.

  “Me, too. So I’ll ask again: Did you do anything?”

  “Almost.” Almost got drunk. Almost started a bar fight. Almost called Joshua a dozen times. She’d finally called Liz for advice.

  “He says he loves you,” Liz had said. “He wants to wait, he wants to ‘do it right’? Not to mention he’s sweet, smart and drop-dead gorgeous! What? Are you out of your mind or something?”

  Maybe she was. She didn’t know. She didn’t know anything anymore, it seemed.

  She sighed.

  “Oh, oh.” Monique sat down next to her. “How’d you do on your test?”

  “Ninety-eight,” she replied listlessly.

  “Oh. So you broke it off, then, huh?”

  “Broke what off?” Joshua’s voice interrupted, making Sachiko jump. Why wasn’t he with Ydrel? Why did he have to show up now?

  “What are you doing here?” she demanded.

  “Last time I checked, I still worked here.” He tried to reply blandly, but irritation crept into his voice.

  Monique jumped in. “If you’d actually been reading those logs, you’d have seen Joshua has done the impossible. He got Ydrel to drop that alien fantasy of his.”

  Joshua looked pained. “I didn’t do anything. He—”

  But Monique continued as if he hadn’t spoken, “And don’t mind Sachiko. She broke up with her boyfriend. He couldn’t take the heat of her success.”

  “What?!” He stared at Sachiko, open mouthed and wide-eyed.

  Sachiko huffed, her annoyance building toward anger. “She’s guessing. Erroneously!”

  “Then tell us,” Monique urged. “We’re your friends.”

  “Look, I appreciate the sentiment, but there’s nothing to discuss. It’s just…Congratulations on Ydrel—Deryl
.” She broke off before she said anything more and turned her attention to the open log on the computer screen. She hadn’t known. She’d been so caught up in her own misery, she hadn’t even visited Ydrel in the hospital. How had she let this...this kid, get to her?

  “Yep,” Joshua said knowingly.

  Despite herself, she glanced at him from the corner of her eye.

  He had his arms crossed, and his lips pursed in a thoughtful way. He nodded. “Men are scum,” he said with such mock seriousness that she had to bite back a smile.

  Monique snorted. “How would you know?”

  Now he stood hipshot and batted his eyes at the nurse. “Oh, girlfriend, I have so been there!” As Monique exploded into giggles, he leaned across the counter and spoke softly to Sachiko. “Are you sure it wasn’t just a misunderstanding? Maybe he’s sad and confused and really wants another chance?”

  She wanted to tell him she was sorry. She wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault. She wanted to tell him. Everything.

  “Don’t you have work to do?” she growled.

  His expression hardened into anger and hurt. She didn’t care. She couldn’t care.

  “Matter of fact,” he muttered, then turned his attention and smiles to Monique. “I really came here to find out where Mr. Doleson is. I haven’t seen him and his room’s empty.”

  “Didn’t Dr. Hoffman tell you? That’s right—he had to take his daughter to the dentist today. Mr. Doleson was released this morning. Outpatient status. His wife came up over the weekend and they were talking about moving to California and starting over. He wants to produce a new talk show, like Geraldo, but with only positive things—people married for 50 years, kids who do charities, that sort of stuff. He was talking about it all last week. In fact, I think he left you something.” She rifled through the papers on the desk until she found a large envelope. “Dr. Hoffman didn’t think you’d be here until this evening, so he left it with us.”

  “Dr. Sellars is with Deryl over lunch.” Joshua tore open the envelope.

  As he stood silently reading, Sachiko made her escape.

  *

  “Whoa,” Joshua breathed as he looked over the note Mr. Doleson left. The card read “Thank you” in gold foil. Inside was a handwritten note: Joshua, I’m going to do like we discussed and forget about them watching and just do my best to show them the best in humanity. Thanks for putting things into perspective—that’s what I plan to call my new show: Perspectives.

  For moment, Joshua couldn’t speak. When he did, his voice was choked with emotion. “That’s…way cool.” He smiled at Monique, then turned to share his joy with Sachiko.

  She was gone.

  Monique sighed at the empty chair. “I hope she makes up with this guy. Fast.”

  “Me, too.”

  *

  Deryl’s infection cleared quickly, and it was decided he could return to SK-Mental. He was moved while under sedation, and Edith asked Joshua to be with him when he awoke in his old bed.

  “Was it a dream?” Deryl murmured thickly, looking around at the familiar surroundings.

  “No. It was all real.”

  Deryl rolled over and defiantly snatched the raggedy old bear from its spot on the end table, clutching it to him. He remained that way the rest of the day, and into the next.

  Naturally, he was on the agenda at Friday’s meeting.

  “I attempted to talk to him.” Edith sighed. “All he would say was that he felt like a zoo animal.”

  Good for you, Joshua thought, taking a sip of his latte to hide his grin. But he nearly choked on it when Dr. Malachai grunted and asked, “Then, we’re seeing a return of the paranoia?”

  “I hadn’t thought of that,” Edith admitted. “Zoo animals are under constant display. I was thinking of the paradox of being in a place of relative safety and relative confinement—it’s not the first time he’s referred to this facility as a cage.”

  “Which animal?” Dr. Bartlebort asked. “It could be a statement of his feelings of power—or lack thereof—“

  “Or it could just be an accurate statement of how he’s been treated,” Joshua cut in. Part of his mind advised him to quit while he still had a job, but his mouth didn’t take the hint. “Think about it: How do you transfer a zoo animal? You catch him unawares, tranquilize him, and next thing he knows, he’s waking up in a new place. Sound familiar?”

  “We thought it would be easier on him—” Edith started.

  Joshua raised his hands in defense and answered as gently as he could. “I’m not making any comment about the motives.” Then he turned to Malachai. “I’m just an intern. But don’t you think that there are times when a patient’s words have objective validity?”

  “More NLP?” the senior psychiatrist asked languidly, and Joshua knew he was in for it even before he heard what came next. “I think this is something we can discuss further—after the meeting, of course.”

  Joshua left Dr. Malachai’s office later with his ears burning. He was unsure who he was angrier at: Malachai, Deryl, or himself. He’d put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into his plan to win back Sachiko: Rique had not only refused to help him, but had chewed him out and threatened to kick him out of the band; his parents had said they’d support his decision, but suggested that it could mean living at home and working at Carls Jr. next year; he was tired from staying up late working on the music and emotionally drained from trying to act normal around Sachiko at work, which was even tougher since she was working double shifts to pay back the nurses who’d covered for her while she studied for her exam. It didn’t help that Edith had taken his comments, which he really intended for Malachai—the one who arranged the whole transfer farce—to heart.

  Must be why Malachai likes her so much as a partner, he grumbled to himself as he headed to Deryl’s room. Let him fire me, he thought defiantly. As long as they don’t take away my key until Saturday. He paused at Deryl’s door to release his tension and negative feelings, then went in.

  The room was dark, so he made a beeline to the curtains, pulling them open with a single sharp movement. “Wake up, Ling-Ling!”

  “What?” Deryl growled, squinting at the intern. He was curled up in bed, his hair stringy and unkempt, his arms curled around his stuffed bear.

  “Wake up, Ling-Ling. You know, that famous panda at the San Diego Zoo or somewhere?” Rather than pulling up a chair, he grabbed a pillow off Deryl’s bed and set it on the floor so he could sit at eye level with him. “You have any idea how spun up everyone is over your ‘zoo animal’ statement?”

  “Oh?” A smile tugged at the young man’s lips.

  Suddenly, Joshua understood. And something in him snapped.

  “You little—” He bit off the words that were coming to his mouth. “I nearly got fired for defending you this morning and you were just playing head games with the psychs?”

  “What else have I got to do?” Deryl demanded sullenly.

  “You know, this song is getting really, really old. ‘Boo-hoo. Poor me. I have a filthy-rich aunt and uncle who love me, people who care for me—and even some who care about me. I have three full meals a day, plenty of entertainment, safety, security—’”

  “Imprisonment!”

  “You ever seen a real prison? I have. For that matter, I’m willing to bet a third of the population of earth would be willing to trade your pampered imprisonment for their impoverished freedom.”

  “Fine! They can have it!” Deryl sat up.

  Joshua stood. “Fine! Get better and make a space available!”

  “Go to hell!”

  “I can’t. But let me tell you: Life stinks, but it don’t get any better if you lie around with your head under the covers. Now, I’ll admit, you’ve been handed a bigger share of crap than a lot of people, but you also sabotage yourself.”

  “Who asked you?!” Now Deryl was standing on the bed, clutching the bear so tightly in his fury that the seams were threatening to pop. Around him, the air seemed to thicken and
intensify as if with static electricity.

  Joshua, caught in his own fury, barely noticed. “No one. This is free advice from a lowly intern. You made a lot of progress this summer—I’m not the only one who’s said that, either. But your little sulk has set you back. If you want to get out of here, you’d better stop thinking like Ling-Ling and start acting like Shamu!”

  He stormed out, making a turn just as Descartes flew through the doorway and slammed into the wall.

  Joshua, meanwhile, almost slammed into Sachiko.

  “What was that all about?” she demanded.

  “I think your father would call it ‘wall-to-wall counseling,’” Joshua snapped, and shouldered past her, not bothering to see if she was looking after him.

  She did, in fact, turn to watch him storm down the hall, her arms crossed, not sure if she was miffed or bemused. “Wall-to-wall counseling?” Where’d he learn that military euphemism?

  Neither of them saw Deryl’s old toy slide, as if pulled by invisible strings, across the hall and back into Deryl’s room.

  CHAPTER 33

  When Joshua was stopped at the foyer Friday morning, he was sure the security guard was going to hand him his walking papers and a box of his stuff, but the guard simply wanted to inspect the items he was carrying in. He opened the synthesizer case and scrutinized the keyboard, then unzipped the garment bag to reveal Joshua’s change of clothes—the same suit he’d worn to Sachiko’s party, professionally laundered and pressed.

  “New therapy?” the guard asked, raising an eyebrow at the bouquet of flowers. They were oriental lilies again, with a few roses tucked in.

  “If you’re around at six tonight, stop by the first level nurse’s lounge,” Joshua said, but inwardly he groaned. His unusual methods were starting to become a source of merriment with the psychiatric staff. Or had the guard heard about his argument with Deryl yesterday? “And I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t tell anybody about this—it’s kind of a surprise.”

  “Mmm-hmm,” the guard replied. He gave Joshua a minute to juggle his other luggage, then handed back the bouquet. “Good luck.”