by Casey Hagen
Until the son of a bitch broke us into the three sets of five he was so bloody fond of.
Guess who was in my set of five.
Tilly the Fucking Cyborg. That was her new name.
A name that matched her blank fucking expression.
He put the jammers on the spot first, examining our footwork as we tried to break through and dash around the blockers in front of us. Testing our ability to hop, spin away from a block to dart around and through the pack, and our skill at gaining speed when we broke free.
When I’d told him he would make me a target if he kicked Tilly off the team, he clearly took it to heart by going the complete other direction in making us work together. Apparently, he wanted to send the message that not only was I cool with Tilly on the team, but we were ready for matching tattoos or some bonding shit.
Super.
Everything changed on the bank; our balance changed depending on where we were on the track. The angle of our hips being on a constant tilt threw every other part of us off. But after a week, we finally had it.
If anything, being on flat ground felt weird as hell, but at least when we transitioned to the infield, we didn’t look like calves taking their first steps anymore. Sad visual, but true—although, appropriate being in an old dairy barn and all.
Finally happy with our progress—if you called a grunt and a little less resting asshole face, happy—we moved on to jumps so when the time came and bodies hit the track in a jam, we could avoid running over our teammates and hurting ourselves.
At least that was the theory.
We scoffed at his never-ending need to drive the skills home—earning a dark glare—his new natural state over the past week since he found me at Banked Track pouring out my bruised heart to Rory.
He kept everything absolute derby. Nothing personal. But all the things we weren’t saying, built up there between us. I could feel it. The air practically vibrated around us.
After all, even my team noticed. The shits probably formed a betting pool behind my back.
The unease made me itchy.
And bitchy.
They thought I needed to get fucked.
But really, I needed to unclench. I was wound so fucking tight I might snap, a completely new sensation for me.
Okay, they also thought the prescription for that was a good seven inches or so of girthy goodness—and they were probably right.
With every bit of control I gained on this track, I lost control over something else. I’d become so fucking disgruntled and short with everyone, even Milton and Gerald had stopped making jokes and prodding each other. Instead, they stopped in for breakfast like their hour there was obligatory, and grumbled into their coffees over my recent lack of charm.
Apparently, they didn’t appreciate my new prison guard energy.
But I didn’t know how to let go of it and I had to guard my heart.
Though silent, I’d catch Priest watching me, not the judgmental kind of stare from the first night I saw him, but something else.
Dejected and grim, but with flashes of longing so fucking cutting I’d forget to breathe.
I’d spot it, he’d blink, and it would be gone, or he’d turn away, his focus needed elsewhere. Even though he spent a fair amount of time on that track with us, he held himself apart from us—from me—ever since that night at Banked Track.
I didn’t like it.
I didn’t know how to change it.
And my every instinct begged me to roll right off the track and wrap my arms around him—only I knew I couldn’t.
When I’d finally let myself look away from him and return my attention to the team, I’d find Eve watching me, her face hollow. Her mouth tight.
I found myself searching out Tilly of all people. When I found her, she’d look at me with a blank stare, hence her new cyborg status, something I found a whole lot more uncomfortable than her attitude. At least I knew what she was thinking when she was attacking me.
This whole blank look came straight out of horror movies, for fuck’s sake.
And now she’d flipped the script and done something nice, which only felt more sinister.
I didn’t know when our showdown was coming, but it had to be coming. Right?
Or maybe she was trying and I was the asshole here.
I couldn’t tell anymore. All I knew was we were getting better, but nothing was right. Not one damn thing.
The void in her eyes—the one she’d just aimed my way for the hundredth time this week—had my nerves stretched so tight, I had to get out of here before I snapped.
Even if for just a few minutes.
I skated off the track straight to the bench and yanked on my laces.
“What are you doing?” Priest asked, skating right up to me.
I flicked him a glance. “I need break.”
Hands on his hips, he glowered down at me. “You just had a break.”
I straightened and kicked off my skate. “Goddammit, Priest…back off.”
“What’s going on with you?”
“God, you’ve got to be kidding me,” I muttered as my phone started to vibrate again with another bullshit call. I slipped it from my duffel, but didn’t recognize the number, and tossed it back into my bag as I kicked off my second skate. “I need one damn minute where I’m not under a fucking microscope. If you’ve got a problem with that, you’re going to have to pin me to this fucking floor and force these skates back on my feet. Unless you’re prepared to do so, back off.”
I shot up to my feet and he jumped back, his eyes widened and his head jerking back.
“Yeah, I thought you’d see it my way,” I said, jamming my sleeves into my jacket. Here I was, ready to stand up for myself, practically vibrating to take someone on, and all of a sudden, I had all the space in the world and none of these fuckers were giving me any material to work with.
18
I headed for the house to stop at the bathroom before I committed ten minutes to freezing my tits off in my car and then maybe, just maybe I’d make it through the rest of practice without setting someone on fire.
I knocked on the door even though Priest told us not to worry about it, that Lilith would be expecting us to be in and out using the bathroom, because frankly, I didn’t give a shit what he said.
Chilly toward me or not, I was not disrespecting this woman’s home.
“Hello,” I called as I opened the door. “Just stopping in for a bathroom break.”
The door to the half bath we’d been using by the laundry room was closed so I knocked, just in case. One of my teammates likely closed it all the way when they were done, a habit that drove me absolutely bonkers, but one of them always did it at my apartment. I’d rather knock for no reason than walk in and have a getting-to-know-you session mid wipe.
I knocked a second time even as I reached for the doorknob, only to have it not give under the twist of my hand. A second later, a muffled moan came from the other side of the door.
A prickle of dread skittered along the back of my neck and down my spine as I flattened my hand on the wood. “Lilith? Are you okay in there?”
“I’m not su—re,” she said, her words breaking on a sob. “I don’t think I can move.”
My heart knocked against my ribs as all the images of what I might find behind the door started flashing through my head. I gave the knob a hard twist again. “It’s locked. Can you reach the lock?”
“I think so,” she said with a low moan.
At the sound of the telltale click, I turned the handle and forced myself to stay calm no matter what waited for me on the other side of the door. I didn’t know which of the horrific scenes to expect, but Lilith on her knees on the floor clutching her side wasn’t even close.
There’s something to be said for imagining the worst when reality swoops in and tells you to slow your dramatic roll.
Relief slid through me and my muscles unclenched a fraction to see the baby was still where he was supposed to be. For
now.
The toilet paper holder hung crooked where it had been yanked from the wall as though she tried to pull herself up with it. The roll had flopped off and unraveled only to come to a stop somewhere behind the toilet.
If she tried to pull herself up like that and fell back down, with no one here to hear her…shit. “Is it the baby?”
A fat tear rolled down her cheek and her lips trembled as she bit back a sob. “I don’t know. It’s too early.”
I rubbed her back and her shoulders slumped at my touch. “Does it feel like contractions?”
“It’s hard to tell. I’ve never had them,” she said, a touch of snark lacing her voice.
Another good sign. I’d take any sort of fight in her, even if she wanted to aim it at me.
“Did your water break or are you bleeding?”
“No,” she gasped as she dug her fingertips into her abdomen.
“Okay, listen, I want to get you off your knees. Let’s get you up and sitting and I’m going to get your brother.”
“Thank you.” She sighed. “God, I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve seen a woman deglove her finger on the track.” I winced, the image flashing in my head whenever I mentioned it. I’d seen bones break and pop out the skin that was better than that damn finger.
“I don’t know what that is, but it sounds awful.”
“Yeah, I still have nightmares. Don’t google it. No one is that bored.”
I got her up on her feet and guided her hands around my shoulders. I didn’t dare try to lead her from the bathroom to the kitchen table just yet with the tight squeeze through the narrow doorway. “Keep your arms around my neck for just a second okay.”
“Yeah,” she whispered as she tightened her grip and groaned in my ear. “It hurts.”
“I know, we’re going to get you help.” I wrapped my arm around her, holding her tight. Flicking the toilet seat down, I snatched a couple towels from the shelf over the toilet to cover the lid to make her as comfortable as possible while I ran up to the barn.
“Okay, just hold on to me and ease yourself down. Go slow.”
She whimpered as she lowered onto the seat. Settling in, she sighed and rubbed at her knees. “Thank you.”
“How long were you stuck in here like this?”
“A half hour maybe.” She leaned against the wall, the blood all but drained from her face leaving her white and ashen with sweat dotting her temples. “I kept trying to get up, but the pain would shoot around to my back,” she said, her voice breathless.
Thirty fucking minutes stuck on the cold bathroom floor wondering when help was going to come.
Priest was going to blame himself for this. There was no way he wouldn’t. How do you convince a guy like him that sometimes shit just happened?
Nothing came with a guarantee, but you tried anyway.
You did anyway.
You talked to people, let them in knowing one day they’d be gone. Little old men who bickered like brothers—little old men you pretended were the grandfathers you never had.
Things went wrong and you lost people you love.
Life would not always bend to your will like a derby team. Life wasn’t coaching, it was living. Surrendering to what went wrong so you could fall in the love with the moments that went so right.
Lilith was right here. Every minute he stayed away was a moment wasted. A moment I wish I could have back with my mother.
I squeezed Lilith’s hand. “Sit tight for just a minute, I’m going to get your brother.”
“This is going to mess with your practice.”
“Don’t worry about our practice. The baby’s more important.”
She let out a short laugh. “He’s running you ragged, huh?”
“That too, but we asked for it. Sit tight.” I ran to the barn, every gasp of air burning my throat. Skidding to a stop at the threshold, I stuck two fingers in my mouth and let out a whistle that had everyone turning to the door.
Priest glowered at me and jabbed a finger at the track. “Get your ass on the bank,” he snapped before turning his back on me.
“You’ve gotta come down to the house.” I gasped out the words and at the sound of my tone his face snapped up. “It’s your sister.”
His notes hit the floor. In seconds he went from skates to boots and tore out the door past me.
“Where is she?” he yelled over his shoulder as he ran down the hill.
“Bathroom. I found her in there stuck on her knees. She thinks she was there for about thirty minutes.”
“Is she—”
“Her water didn’t break and she doesn’t think she’s having contractions.”
“Good. That’s good.”
The cold air sliced in and out of me as I kept pace next to him, trying not to fall on my ass despite the sand tossed down the path. “She didn’t have her phone on her. I didn’t have mine on me either, so I didn’t call 9-1-1.”
“It’s okay. I’ll take her in. It’ll be faster.”
“EMTs have medical training. Maybe—”
“I have medical training. I’m a cop,” he said, cutting me off. He ran over the threshold, slid around the corner, and stopped in front of the bathroom.
“Sorry,” Lilith gasped out when she looked up at her brother. “Bad timing.”
He crouched down in front of her and smoothed her hair back from her face. The smile he gave her—I—God, he should smile more often. It changed something in Lilith the minute he did. “Don’t apologize. That’s why I’m here.”
Clenched and tense until that point, Lilith released a breath and took in another deep one behind it, the strain bracketing her mouth softening.
“Something’s not right, Cain. The pain—it’s too early. If he’s born now, his lungs—”
“Shhh, one thing at a time.” He cupped her head and kept her focused on him. “Hospital first. We don’t worry until there’s something to worry about.” Taking her hand, he got her to her feet and guided her just outside the bathroom before scooping her up and tucking her against his chest.
Her arms went around his neck and her head landed on his shoulder, the tears falling freely now. “I’m scared.”
“I know you are, but I’ve got you. I’ve always got you.”
But the words weren’t really true, were they? Because he’d leave.
I held the door and followed him outside to open the passenger door of the truck.
“Thanks,” he said, sliding his sister onto the front seat, buckling her in, and closing the door. “Keep going. I’ll let you know what’s happening as soon as I know.”
“I’m sending them home. You don’t need to be worrying about us up here.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Take care of Lilith. I’ve got this.”
“Thank you,” he said, pressing a kiss to my forehead.
I closed my eyes, tried not to read too much into it, and took a step back. “No kissing rule. Now go.”
19
She thinks she was there for about thirty minutes.
Mayhem’s words haunted me from the minute medics wheeled Lilith into the back.
My sister was stuck on her knees on the goddamned bathroom floor for half an hour and I had no clue. All while I was in the barn training, barking orders, trying to figure out what the fuck has happened to the chemistry on the track because something was off.
No phone on me. No phone on Lilith. Fuck.
Shit needed to change. My sister came first. She had to come first.
I stared out the wall of windows into the darkness, looking for answers as to how to split my time between two commitments. Answers, the pesky little bastards, they just didn’t want to come.
She’d been in with the doctors for almost an hour now. An hour and no word.
For the thousandth time I kicked myself for not trying hard enough to convince her to come to Boston and stay with me near some of the best hospitals in th
e country. Not that Bay Medical Center was bad. Just limited. They didn’t even have a twenty-four-hour anesthesiologist on staff, ruling out something as common as an epidural if she decided she wanted one.
I wanted Lilith to have everything. Every damn thing.
The emergency department waiting room hadn’t changed a whole hell of a lot since I was kid. The same metal framed chairs with blue vinyl. The same cherry wood end tables and chunky white lamps.
Hell, probably the same magazines.
I’d stood in this room too many times over the years. I waited here for them to tell me my mother was going to be okay. I waited after my grandfather’s heart attack for the same. I stood here searching for some sort of hope again when they brought my grandmother in.
And eventually, I waited here to find out Lana’s condition.
Almost every single time the staff stepped out those double doors, I waited for good news, and they brought me death.
I didn’t know how to expect anything different.
Warm arms slid around me, Mayhem’s tattooed hands locking over my stomach.
I blinked down at them for a minute, wondering if I was finally losing what was left of my damn mind after a nearly impossible week of watching her battle back from the way I hurt her.
I really outdid myself this time. I put her at risk and the way I did it tied my hands so I couldn’t even help her without putting her more at risk.
Closing my eyes, I laid my hand over hers. Another selfish step where I took what I wanted—what I needed—knowing I could only cause her more pain in the end.
Everyone who got close to me ended up hurt and there wasn’t one damn thing I could do to stop it.
“How is she?” she murmured from behind me.
But I wanted her in front of me.
I wanted her skin under my hands and her heat against my chest. I didn’t want to be alone one more time in this room, trying to figure out how I’d survive one more heartache I was powerless to stop.
Lacing my fingers with hers, I tugged her around to stand before me and pulled her in. Hanging my head, I buried my face in the curve of her neck for a minute. Just a minute.
