by Casey Hagen
“I haven’t heard anything yet,” I said as I took a deep breath while her arms tightened around me. Those pieces that felt like they might just burst apart held together under the hold she had on me.
I closed my eyes and took everything she offered, my hands splaying over her back, memorizing the dip of her muscles, the valley of her spine—who we were in this moment so damn different than the first time I was this close to her just weeks ago.
“She’s going to be okay,” she whispered, her warm breath sliding along my neck making me shiver.
“How do you know?”
“Because you were there and you did the right thing. You got her here fast.”
“Life’s never been that easy for me.”
“Today it is.”
“Cain?”
At the sound of the nurse calling me—the same nurse who’d called my name before in this waiting room—I turned while keeping Mayhem in my arms, a knot in my chest making it hard to take a breath. “How is she?”
“She’s going to be fine. The doctor will be out in just a minute to fill you in,” she said with a reassuring smile.
“Thank you.” I squeezed Mayhem again and scrubbed my hand over my face. “She’s going to be fine. Jesus.”
“Well, no offense to him, but I was kind of hoping to take credit for this one,” Mayhem said with a relieved laugh as she peered up at me with her chin propped on my chest.
“The credit’s yours. I’m glad you came.” I framed her face with my hands and slid my fingers into her hair. “You’re exhausted.”
“I’m stressed.”
“And exhausted. You should go get some rest.” I dug my fingers into her scalp, enjoying the way her mouth fell open. Really enjoying the way she sank her teeth into her bottom lip.
She hummed, the vibration sinking into the pads of my fingers. “You get to boss me around on the track, not off it.”
“If that were true you never would have gone down to the house and found my sister.”
“On the track, Coach,” she said as her eyes narrowed to slits before sliding closed. “You tried to boss me around on the infield.”
Her pulse fluttered in the soft skin of her throat along the column of her neck and my mouth ran dry. “I’m glad you didn’t listen.”
“Me too,” she whispered.
I dragged my thumb over the edge of her jaw. The blood rushed through me, my heart kicking up a notch. This was what I wanted. To be touching her. Always touching her. “Lilith said you were sweet with her.”
She hissed, her head falling back farther. “Yeah, well, don’t tell anybody.”
“This is cozy,” Lana called from across the room.
“Shit.”
“What?” Mayhem blinked up at me, her eyes unfocused.
“Lana.”
Lana rolled over a knowing smirk on her face. “So this is the girlfriend everyone’s been talking about around town.”
“Don’t start shit, Lana,” I warned her even as I knew it would do no good. The girl—woman had always said exactly what she wanted to, when she wanted to.
“I’m Maisy,” she said with a smile, not doing one thing to dispute the girlfriend designation.
What the hell did that mean?
And if that was the case, why the hell did we have a kissing rule?
“Lana Bradley. Nice to finally meet you,” she said, shaking Mayhem’s hand as she turned her all too perceptive gaze on me. “And you…why the hell didn’t you tell me you have a banked track?”
“Sure, that would have been a brilliant idea.”
“Hey!” Lana said. “Just for that I want in. I’ve gotta see this.”
I sliced a hand through the air between us. “No way in hell.”
Mayhem swatted my shoulder.
“What?”
“Don’t be a bellend,” she muttered.
“A what?”
“Ooooh, I like her. She called you a bellend. You should know what it is, you have one…it’s the glans of the pe—”
“What the hell are you doing talking to him?” Lana’s mother shrieked from across the room. Her cheeks flamed as she headed right for us.
“Christ,” Lana bit out. “She was supposed to wait for me by the gift shop.”
“It’s fine. Just go.” I needed her to go. I didn’t need Mayhem to witness this. To see this confrontation in her eyes every time she looked at me from here on out.
“No. I haven’t even seen Zach yet, dammit. She’s got some stellar fucking timing as always.”
Lana’s mother elbowed her way between us and jabbed a pointed finger at me. “You! Stay the hell away from my daughter.”
I held my hands up and forced my voice to stay calm. “Look—”
“No, you look. You’ve done enough. Look at her—just look!” she spat, pointing that finger at me again.
A knot of disgust lodged inside me, heavy with dread. My skin grew hot and tight, shame roiling through me until it choked me and kept me from being able to look Mayhem in the eye.
“Mom, stop!”
“After everything you’ve done, you think you can just come galivanting into town again and right back into coaching. Not on my watch.”
The energy shifted and my arm fell away from Mayhem as she launched herself in front of me.
“Hey!” Mayhem snapped, forcing Lana’s mother back. “You stick that finger in his face one more time and you’re going to need a doctor yourself. Knock it off.”
Everyone froze.
“Holy shit,” Lana whispered.
This right here was the problem. My mistakes were never going away. There would always be someone looking to tear into me for what happened.
I could take it. Did take it.
But the people I love didn’t have to.
“Mayhem, don’t.” I wanted her to defend herself like that. Not me.
“No,” she said with a sharp glance at me, her eyes shining with barely banked rage. “You know what? No, dammit. I won’t have someone attacking you right in front of me after everything you’re doing to help us. I won’t have it.”
“Stay away from my daughter. Do you hear me? And you,” she said, this time looking at Mayhem, but thinking better of pointing a finger at her. “You think your team will have success while you’re connected to him. Think again.” Lana’s mother stormed off back the way she came.
Lana sat in her chair, rubbing her forehead. “I’m sorry. She’s the last thing you needed tonight.”
“She has a right to how she feels, Lana. It’s not your fault.”
“What?” Mayhem said, turning on me. “She does not have the right to tear into you whenever she wants. How the hell is anyone supposed to move on with her lashing out like that? And why the hell did you just stand there and take it?”
My skin prickled. Trapped between secrets that weren’t mine to tell and what I wanted, what I needed, frustration bubbled up inside me. Tired, scared for my sister, and so damn sick of being tempted by what I couldn’t have, humiliation took complete control of my mouth. “Me taking it? You’re one to talk.”
Lana flinched and dug her fingers against her temples. “Oh, Coach…not the right reaction.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” she demanded.
“Six elbows to the ribs, Mayhem. That’s what I mean.”
“And you invited her on the team despite it. So who’s the asshole here?”
I knew who the asshole was and yeah, I was still pissed at myself for fucking that one up, but pride. Fucking pride. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll stop taking it as soon as you do.”
Her eyes flashed, the look there, I was pretty sure I had pushed her to a new territory. Barely banked fury. “Tell Lilith I hope she feels better.”
“Wait.” I reached for her, but she shook me off.
“You want to come to our practice, you’ve got it,” she said, resting her hand on Lana’s shoulder. “Give me a call at The Shipwreck in the morning and we’ll work out
the details.”
Lana and I watched her head for the door. When it slid shut behind her, Lana looked up at me. “You’re great with the ladies.”
“My fucking kryptonite.”
“Does this mean she’s not your girlfriend?”
“Fuck if I know.”
I wasn’t wrong. If it was something she cared about, she was all over it, but when it came to protecting herself, she backed down.
But the way I said it—where I chose to say it, wrong in every conceivable way.
The team was good. Damn good. Every last one of them workhorses who didn’t run their mouths when it was time to get to work. If I could figure out what the hell was going on with Mayhem—what she kept locked up in there—they might even have the chance to be brilliant.
And clue pointed to Tilly.
Tilly, even on her best behavior, would always have power over Mayhem if she didn’t confront whatever history they had. Because right now, Tilly hadn’t done one damn thing on that track to step out of line and it was like that might actually be fucking with Mayhem worse than if she did.
“I think it’s time for the truth, Coach,” Lana said quietly.
“That’s not for me to decide.”
“You’ve been protecting me way too long. It’s costing you too much,” Lana said with a shrug. “Anyway, what can they do with the truth now? Statute of limitations doesn’t really apply here, right?”
“No. But it’s a small town. People will talk.”
“They already do…but not going to lie, Coach…I just don’t care.” She glanced past me and smiled.
A tall, broad-shouldered guy with an easy smile on his face walked over. “I got hung up. Sorry about that.” He squatted down and pulled Lana in for a sound kiss. “Hi,” he murmured to her quietly.
I backed up a step, feeling like an interloper. An old interloper.
“Coach, this is Zach. Zach, my old—uh, former derby coach,” Lana said with a wink like she could read my mind.
I reached out and shook the man’s hand. “Cain Bishop.”
“You’re the guy who’s had my little delinquent’s back.”
“Guilty.”
“Cain Bishop?” the doctor called from the reception desk. “You can go in now.”
Lana took my hand. “Coach? If I come clean, it doesn’t screw you, right?”
“Nah. As you can see, I’m really good at getting myself in trouble all on my own.”
“Spectacular at it,” she said, tugging me in to collect the kiss on the cheek I always had for her before I headed in to see Lilith.
Two hours passed before I was finally able to head to my truck. Of course, I would have stayed overnight if that’s what Lilith needed. Or even what she wanted. A urinary tract infection—I’d never been so damn relieved to hear those words. They’d keep her overnight, giving her antibiotics through an IV and monitoring my nephew while they did, and if everything went according to plan, she’d be able to go home by lunchtime tomorrow.
She was tired and uncomfortable, but my nephew was strong.
The sound of his strong heart echoing through the monitors gave me a smile after a spectacularly shitty night.
I’d never heard his heartbeat before. He wasn’t even mine, but I hoped I’d get to hear it again.
Jordan was missing so much being oversees.
And my sister was missing the experience of having her husband right there for everything.
Having me wasn’t the same… She missed her other half and I missed him for her.
Or maybe I missed mine.
Or what could be mine…for now.
Mayhem and I skipped friendship and tipped right over into acting on our feelings. And we’d barely had time to do that before we ventured into coach and player only to have me fuck it all up only an hour into that.
Now I didn’t know what we were. Or even what we could be.
Because in the end, I still planned to walk away.
If Lana went through with it, told the truth—the whole truth—I wouldn’t necessarily be so welcome on the police force.
I knew what she’d done and said nothing despite my obligation to uphold the law, something that still didn’t sit well with me all these years later, but she was a dumb kid who’d done dumb kid shit. Something that cost her huge. Reporting it seemed like acid in the wound.
They couldn’t do anything to her any worse than she’d done to herself.
“Hey.”
I glanced up to find Mayhem leaning against her car, dragging the toe of her shoe on the damp asphalt, her eyes anywhere but on mine.
“Hey.” I stopped before her and slid my hands in my pockets so I wouldn’t reach for her.
“I tried to leave. I even made it out of the parking lot, but I couldn’t go without seeing if Lilith was okay.”
“She’s okay. UTI. She’s staying overnight.”
“The baby?”
“He’s good.”
“I threatened to put a woman in a hospital bed tonight,” she mumbled, her brows knitting together.
I chuckled and kicked the toe of her boot. “You did.”
She glanced toward the glass doors to the ER. “I’ve never done that. I don’t—why did I do that?”
“You’re angry.”
We both were. Angry, stuck, and scared.
“But I didn’t even know that woman. I just—I could see Lana jerking in that chair like she wanted to stand up and be seen and I just—her mother didn’t even see her.” She ground her fingertips into her temples and shook her head. “God, I never want to see that again.”
“You’re a protector,” I said quietly, knowing I was about to make one more assessment she wouldn’t appreciate tonight, but also knowing if something didn’t give, we’d stay here. Stuck right here, just spinning.
“I guess,” she said with a shrug.
“At least when it comes to everyone but yourself.”
She stilled, her lips twisting with scorn as she glared up at me. “How are you any different with how you just stood there and let her treat you that way?”
“Lana’s mother can’t hurt me. She can rage, she can make me uncomfortable, but she can’t take anything from me.”
She pushed away from the side of her car and shook her head with her keys clenched tight in her fist. “If she’s part of the reason you don’t stay…she already has.”
20
“Hustle up, you’ve got hot dates hugging the kick rails today for warm-up!” Priest called out as he tossed pads over the rails into the infield.
He had a spark of energy today I hadn’t seen in him since Lilith spent the night at the hospital. Until spotting him just ten minutes before with more color in his face and those lines bracketing his mouth when he was tense all but gone, I hadn’t realized how much I counted on his mood to set the tone for us.
He’d become a part of us in the few weeks we’d been training. It made me wonder about after. What it would be like to return to the flat track without him.
Maybe as a WRDF team, maybe not. It would be months until we’d hear for sure.
“Sometimes he’s just way too excited about torturing us,” Tilly muttered.
It’s the first thing she’d said to me, really said to me since joining the team. Thirsty didn’t count. I mean, you gave someone water when you cared about them and wanted them to be okay, but you also gave them water when you didn’t want them to die on your watch lest you be accused of their death.
I spun around to look before I actually believed full on that she had directed her comment at me, but everyone had spread out on other benches to gear up, Carmen, Rory, Eve, and Sean stretched on the concrete in the corner.
Marty, the showoff, was already on the bank doing warm-up laps. Must be nice to work at a desk so you could be nice and fresh for practice.
Actually, I’d probably lose my mind behind a desk, so maybe cell deep exhaustion wasn’t so bad.
“Right,” I said quietly, unsure of this tre
acherous new territory.
Was it fur-lined or wrapped with razor wire?
Were we supposed to become friends now? Again?
How the hell was I supposed to forget all the nasty things she’d said over the years to poke me, prod me, the way she used my mother to torture me?
But how was I supposed to move on if nothing changed?
Here I was, twenty-four and still living in the past. Worse than that, I was trapped in the ninth grade. Who the fuck wanted that bullshit?
“Shit,” Tilly whispered as she dug through her bag furiously.
I didn’t glance over this time and instead kept my focus on padding up. “What’s wrong?”
“One of my wristguards is missing. I have a new puppy and he’s constantly stealing my shit. He’s got a fetish for anything with my dried sweat.”
“Boys are gross.” God, that sounded lame. “You’ve, uh, you’ve always wanted a dog. I think—well, thought. Anyway,” I said with a jerky nod. “Koda, right?”
Christ, this was as stop and go as an old man with a prostate problem trying to take a leak.
“Yeah. And now Koda has one of my wristguards. The furry little freak.”
“I’ve got an extra pair.” I tossed them on the bench next to her and finished strapping on my knee pads.
She half turned. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
We didn’t look at one another, instead, started building some weird tentative bond on water, furry mutts, and sweaty wristguards. We weren’t going to win any awards with our stumbling attempts at coexisting, but maybe I’d get to the point where Tilly wasn’t the first thing I worried about when I got on that track.
And maybe this is what Priest was trying to say.
This was getting in my way…and he could see it.
Well, fine. But I still wanted to bite him.
Especially when he was just as guilty. Only he’d attached some sort of just-trying-to-be-honorable-paying-for-my-mistakes badge on his lack of defense, leaving mine looking like fear.
God, that sucked.
I’d rather eat one of Tilly’s sweaty wristguards than choke down that truth. You know, if she could find them.
The time to really let Tilly have it had passed, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted it back. It was like having a knock-down, drag-out fight and thinking of a bunch of points, good one-liners, and quips well after the fact.
