Forgetting What Lies Behind

by Marcy Pacino

  She must have dozed off because she suddenly realized someone was gently shaking her shoulder.

  "Sarah, wake up, we're here. Come on, get your stuff." It was Mona, she was still on the bus and they had just arrived at the retreat site.

  She scrambled to her feet and followed Mona off the bus. Gathering her things, she scanned the people, hoping to spot Brian, but didn't see him.

  "Come on Sarah, we're in here," Mona said, as she began walking towards the large cabin.

  "Wow, isn't this gorgeous?" asked Mona, as she stood in the center of the cabin slowly turning around taking in all the different aspects of the cabin.

  The cabin was a large, fairly modern cabin, built only a few years earlier. The center was composed of a large gathering place with wood paneling, open beams and a stone fireplace. Off this room was the overly large "country" kitchen with its solid oak cabinets, which lined three of the four walls, as well as the standard amenities. The picture window above the sink opened to the great room, and standing in front of the sink, one could take in the entire great room visually. They were standing precisely there, in the kitchen at the sink, and both girls were looking out into the great room when Brian walked in with several other people from their group.

  Mona giggled slightly, and leaning closer to her said, "Brian sure is adorable, don't you think so?" Of course, he's been eyeing you and asking questions about you for the past few weeks. What do you think? Are you interested in him too?"

  Still reacting to Mona's first remarks, she smiled at her and whispered, in case anyone else came into the kitchen,

  "Yeah Mona, I'm kind of interested, maybe something will happen this weekend. I mean, one never knows." Sarah said, with a slight giggle in her voice.

  Their private conversation came to an abrupt halt when Mona said, under her breath "He’s coming this way."

  And with that, she stepped away, leaving Sarah standing alone in the big kitchen. Not knowing what she should do, she turned away from the picture window pretending she hadn't seen him and began studying the kitchen cabinets with apparent interest.

  He stepped into the kitchen and she drew in her breath. "Hey, Sarah, there you are. I looked around for you when we got off the bus but apparently you and Mona snuck off," he said, that big beautiful smile spreading across his face.

  "Oh, hi Brian, yeah, we wanted to check out the cabin. It sure is beautiful isn't it?” She said, as she tried to slowly release the breath she had been holding.

  "I agree," he replied, "have you seen the sleeping quarters yet?" he asked.

  As she shook her head no, he grabbed her hand "Come on, let's go explore them together" he said as he gently pulled her toward the dorms.

  She’s not sure how she managed to move considering she was stunned when he took her hand. Trying to ignore the tingling sensations pulsing through her entire body, starting precisely where his hand joined hers, she struggled to concentrate on what he was saying.

  “...is the men's side and across the "Great Divide" is where you will sleep.

  "Oh" was all she managed to say.

  They walked, still hand in hand, through the crowd of people in the great room and located her backpack in the corner by the door where she had dropped it when she and Mona first entered the cabin.

  He reached for it and picking it up said "This is yours, right? Do you have anything else?”

  "Yes, that's mine and no I don't have anything else," was her reply.

  "Good," and taking her hand again, he led her back through the crowd, her backpack in his other hand.

  When they successfully made it through the "sea" of people, he walked her to the Women's sleeping quarters. Stopping abruptly at the dorm door, he said, with a laugh in his voice “This is as far as I can go. They don’t allow opposite genders in the rooms. After all,” he continued “this is a Christian retreat center so they have to protect the purity we are all so strongly desiring to maintain.”

  He handed her the backpack and said “I’ll wait here while you drop off your stuff. Then we can go do the same with mine.”

  She managed a nod and, taking the backpack from his outstretched hand, disappeared inside the dorm. It appeared to be one very large room with bunk beds acting as room dividers, creating small cubicles for four people to share. She located the set of bunk beds Mona had apparently chosen for them. It was situated along the wall, under a set of double windows, set high on the wall to provide privacy.

  “This appears to be mine” she said to herself as she spotted Mona’s bag,

  “Guess I’ll take the top bunk,” she mumbled more to herself than out loud, and tossed her bag onto the top bunk, atop the grey military surplus blanket, worn thin in spots from apparent long time use, which was on all of the bunks in the room.

  She noticed the bathroom was just past the next set of beds.

  “Mona doesn’t like to be too far from the facilities,” she thought. She quickly hurried back to the door, not wanting to keep him waiting too long.

  As she stepped out into the great room, she heard his hearty laugh. She spotted the reason, His best friend, Tom, had obviously made some wise crack, apparently about the fact that he was hanging around the women’s dorm, because he, having spotted her, said,

  “See, I told you I was waiting for someone. You remember Sarah, don’t you?” he continued, as he made his was toward where she seemed to be rooted to the ground.

  “Hi,” was all she managed, to the probing smile of Tom.

  Still looking at her, Tom said “Why don’t I take your stuff and go choose our beds, before we’re stuck all the way in the back. You obviously have other things on your mind,” and, without waiting for his reply, picked up the two backpacks and headed across the room towards the men’s dorm door.

  She watched him go and wondered what he and Brian had been talking about and what exactly Brian had “on his mind”. She was startled out of her thoughts when Brian took both of her hands in his and gently turned her toward him.

  He looked down into her big blue eyes and smiling yet with a serious expression on his face said “Sarah, I like you, I have been attracted to you since the first moment I saw you at Bible Study. I get the feeling you find me attractive too. I don’t want to put any pressure on you, but I’d like to ask you one thing, would you mind if I kissed you?”

  She, looking into his deep brown eyes, saw the tenderness and, smiling, raised up on her toes as his mouth came down upon her trembling, tender lips. Their lips met and his arms gently circled her body, not pressing, just there. The kiss was warm and when he raised his head slightly, breaking contact, she saw a big smile escape across his face. With his eyes searching hers, he brought his head down again and this time, the kiss was a little more passionate. Suddenly, she straightened and pulled away, breathless. She had forgotten, and apparently so had he, that they were in a crowded room. He smiled, more to himself, and released her. And taking her trembling hand in his, steady, confident hand, led her toward the door which led outside.

  Dave approached them and, noticing their clasped hands, smiled and said “Sorry to interrupt, but we could use a hand with the rest of the gear.”

  “Ok,” he replied, and then turned to her, saying “be back shortly,” strode off in the direction Dave had gone.

  Alone, she visibly shuddered, “Wow,” she thought, “that’s not what my memories say happened. Fourteen years ago, he did not kiss me until later in the evening, after everyone else had gone to bed and we were in the kitchen. Well, the time and place might be different, but the feelings were certainly the same.” “Sarah,” Mona said, interrupting her from her thoughts, “what happened to you, and what’s that smile on your face for? Did something happen
…oh tell me Sarah, tell me!”

  “Calm down Mona and be quiet,” she said, under her breath. “Okay, something did happen, Brian kissed me.”

  “He kissed you?” piped Mona.

  “Quiet down, yes, twice in fact. Oh Mona, wow, and he told me he was attracted to me and had been for a while and he even asked me if he could kiss me, what a gentleman!” she replied, a smile spreading wide across her face.

  Continuing, she said, “It was wonderful, I just hope it doesn’t end like…”

  “End” interrupted Mona, “it hasn’t even really started and you are already talking about it ending. And ending like what?”

  Realizing what she just about said, quickly recovered “You know, like all my other relationships, but I get the feeling this one just might be different. Like, maybe God has a plan for me, us.”

  By the time she saw him again, it was almost time for dinner. She was sitting next to the fire in one corner of the great room when he walked up and asked,

  “Mind if I join you?”

  She met his smile, as her heart leapt into her throat, “Not at all, have a seat,” she managed to squeak out, hoping he didn’t notice.

  “Sorry I left you alone all afternoon, especially after…,” he trailed off.

  She could feel the blush creep into her face and hoped he thought it was from the blazing fire. They were seated side by side, both lost in their own thoughts, when the dinner bell rang, starling them both.

  They rose and then he said, “I just remembered, on the bus earlier, Tom, Dave, Greg and Brad all asked me to sit with them tonight, and I’m sure the rest of the folk group will probably join us. So it looks like we won’t be able to sit together tonight. But, I promise that’ll change tomorrow,” he said, quickly, as they started across the floor toward the kitchen.

  Dinner, as were all the meals, was buffet style, so you had to line up and go into the kitchen for your food. She looked up at his face, smiled and assured him it was ok with her. She realized she was actually relived because she wasn’t sure she could eat anything if she were sitting next to him tonight. Just as they reached the line, they were joined by Mona and Stephanie, one of Mona’s friends.

  “Are you sitting with Brian?” Mona asked.

  “No, actually, he made other plans earlier, so if it’s okay, I’ll sit with you two.”

  “Okay? Sure, it’s okay.”

  Dinner was very good; a simple, but delicious stew, and she hadn’t realized how hungry she was, then remembered she had missed lunch, waiting for Brian, who too missed lunch. Mona spent most of the time chatting with Stephanie and the other women who had joined them, which was okay with Sarah, as she figured the questions would come later. The tables were cleared quickly, to make room for the events planned for the evening. The Folk Group played a few worship songs, which gave her the opportunity to chat with God about the days events and try to calm her rapidly beating heart.

  The speaker was very good and kept her busy taking notes for the rest of the evening. She was still jotting a few things down when she felt, rather than saw Brian approach. She met his smile and stood as he neared her.

  “I was just coming to tell you I’d see you tomorrow, I’m bushed and heading off to bed.”

  She giggled softly and said, “Good night and sweet dreams.”

  He stepped closer and placed a quick, tender kiss upon her lips, “You too,” he said, and strode off toward the men’s dorm.

  She gathered her things and practically floated off to bed. She was thankful to discover Mona was already in bed, and asleep, so she could wait until the morning before the barrage of questions she was bound to bombard her with.

  Chapter Three

  Morning brought sunshine, happy thoughts and a voice waking her. She tried not to bolt up as she realized it was

  Mona, standing impatiently beside her cabin bunk, apparently with a lot of questions.

  “Okay, Mona,” she said, trying to remain calm, “let me get dressed first and then I’ll answer some of your questions.”

  Stepping back into their little cubicle, from her quick trip to the bathroom, Sarah was immediately greeted by Mona with “Well, what happened, tell me every detail!”

  “Okay, short and sweet now, details later, I’m hungry” was her reply.

  Breakfast was nice, except for Mona impatiently squirming beside her. And Brian was sitting across the room, sharing the meal with some of his buddies.

  “Don’t push it girl” she thought to herself, “If it’s God’s will, as it appears to be, it will progress.

  “What, I’m sorry, Mona, did you ask me something” She said, her thoughts interrupted.

  “I said, are you on K.P. duty today?

  “No, I don’t think I am, sure hope I’m not, I really don’t feel like washing all these dishes.”

  Pushing her plate aside and leaning back, she glanced across the room at Brian, who was deep in conversation with Dave. As if sensing he was being watched, he glanced in her direction and catching her eye, smiled at her. She blushed and looked down at the plain white linen tablecloth. Suddenly everyone started sliding back their chairs and rising from the tables. Sarah joined them.

  “There has been a change in K.P. duty this morning.” Someone boomed above the noise of the crowd, the crowd quieted.

  “This morning it will be Craig, Mona, Brian and Susan, don’t worry, the rest of you will get your turn.” he said with a chuckle.

  Quickly Mona said to Sarah, “Take my place Sarah, that way you and Brian can be together.”

  “Well, I guess I can switch with you, since you don’t want to do it now, Mona,” Sarah said, a little loud, for the benefit of those still in the great room.

  Brian, hearing her too, glanced over at her and smiled, the look on his facing saying “Oh, sure, Sarah, what a sacrifice, but I’m glad you did.” Mona walked out of the room, glancing over her shoulder at her, a knowing look on her face. Sarah joined Craig, Brian and Susan in the kitchen. Susan and Craig were beginning to put way the perishables, which left her and Brian to begin the dishes. Sarah walked over to the sink, piled high with plates and glasses, just as he reached it too.

  “Wash or rinse?” He asked her, a towel already in his hand.

  “I guess I’ll wash.”

  “Good.” And he flicked the towel playfully at her back.

  She jumped and barely missed the sting, then turned to fill the deep, stainless steel sink with hot, soapy water. She found that standing so close to him she had to concentrate on not dropping the dishes because her insides felt like jelly. Every time his hand “accidentally” brushed hers in the rinse water, she fought to control the trembling of her body. He seemed to enjoy the torture he was putting her through because every time their hands touched, he smiled at her, an almost wicked grin on his face, their eyes locking momentarily. Miraculously, she managed to make it through K.P. duty without dropping or breaking a single dish, though she felt she couldn’t walk back to her bunk if her life depended on it. After the considerable amount of time she spent folding all the towels (giving her body a chance to return to at least a reasonable calm), she started to walk out of the kitchen, but Brian stepped in front of her and stopped her mid-stride.

  Smiling, he said “Thanks for your help, you’re a real trooper”, and before she knew what was about to happen, he swung his head down and brushed his lips across hers and whispered “later” as he straightened back up and walked into the great room.

  Stunned, she couldn’t move for a minute or two. She glanced around the kitchen, relieved to find that Craig and Susan had already left. Taking another moment to compose herself, she realized that from where she w
as standing, she could not see into the great room.

  “Does that mean, since I can’t see them, they can’t see me in the kitchen and did not see what had just transpired between me and Brian?” She thought to herself.

  Placing the towel she still held in her hand on the counter behind her, she finally walked out of the kitchen. She braced herself for any reaction from anyone who might have seen her and Brian. No one even seemed to notice she had entered the room; they were all focused on pairing or grouping up for the days events. She walked over to where Mona was standing with Rachel and Tammy, their heads close together as they peered over the day’s schedule of events.

  “Hi,” Sarah said when she was close enough to be heard.

  Mona was the first to notice her and straightened up from the group.

  “Hi, Sarah, do you know these two ladies?”

  “Yes, we met a couple of weeks ago at Bible Study.” was Sarah’s reply.

  “Good, help us decide what we are going to do until lunch.”

  The day was pretty hectic; Mona actually kept Sarah and the other two gals busy until just before dinner. Returning back to her bunk, Sarah was happy for the few minutes she had to herself; she had climbed up onto her bunk and was staring at the ceiling deep in thought when the announcement for dinner was made.

  “I’ll wait a few minutes for the crowd to die down.” she thought to herself.

  The next thing she knew, it was dark outside and there were no lights on in the dorm. Getting down from her bunk, she realized she must have dozed off, and apparently missed dinner. No one seemed to notice when she entered the great room, they were all focused on the small four person band getting ready to lead worship. Finding an empty seat next to Mona, Sarah collapsed into it and smiled at Mona.