Broken Love

by Lucy Harvey

  The song cascades through my laptop and fills the space around me. I sat and listened to it on repeat for longer than I care to admit. Tiny things like this make me feel closer to her without intruding on her life. I can picture her thanking the lord above for time without me.

  Whilst I am on my laptop I start to create a to-do list for the following day. Seeing as I know my demons will be haunting me with full force tonight, I choose not to give in to the nightmares and busy myself.

  Opening up my Word document I choose a bold font and begin constructing the course of my day.

  1 – Go to office and send off paper work to my father

  2 – Ring the parents to discuss the upcoming fundraiser

  3 – Contact the MM fundraiser committee

  4- V..

  I can barely stand to spell out his name but I know it’s essential. Tomorrow I will shake his hand for the final time and just pray that the rest unravels like it is supposed to.

  When thinking of Viktor I cannot help but think of Odette and I begin to wonder why she has not called. Of this I am obviously glad but it sparks interest. She had better not go back on our deal. Fuck. I become filled with unease as the possibilities of her screwing me over rattle through my brain.

  “I’m not a heartless bitch.”

  “There were more like Ava.”

  “I need this too.”

  Anyone who had watched what I had watched or felt what I had would want his life. I no longer had a doubt in my mind that Odette was not fully in this.

  And then when I think of the past I think of her. When I lose myself in calculating how I will conduct his well-deserved downfall I think of her. When I think of anything I think of her. It is easy to remember those who capture a part of you, it’s the forgetting that is impossible.

  “What do you want to be when you grow up Rome?” Ava asks as she runs her fingers through my hair.

  After spending the day in the meadows near our new home we both now lay back before the sunset.

  “Whatever gives me loads of money. So that I never have to feel hungry again.” I answer as I hold my tummy.

  “You would say that even if you had just ate.” She giggles trying to distract me.

  “What about you Ava? What do you think you will be?” I ask her.

  “Anything that means I can help people. I don’t want anyone to feel alone, hungry, abused or irrelevant. Something that gives me lots of money too I guess but so I can use it to help others.” She answers as her voice gets quieter.

  “Does he hurt you?” I pray she says no or that she doesn’t answer at all. It’s selfish but I can’t take it.

  “That doesn’t matter my sweet Rome, all that matters is that you are here with me and I will always be here with you.”

  She promised.

  She lied.

  Everyone lies and everyone leaves.

  I cannot begin to recall how many days it has been since Roman. The time has transited from one hour to the next before they all roll into one and suddenly I am lost in a pit of my own insanity.

  The nights sooth me, I can hide in the darkness and pretend but all too soon it turns to day and I have to begin again. Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other and pretend I have my shit together when I really don’t.

  I have moved from bed to sofa to the bathroom and back again in an agonizing cycle of loneliness. I have changed from worn t-shirts to comforting pajama sets, sick of the sight of my skin without his marks. Not once have I attempted to put brush to hair or cream to face. None of it matters.

  I have bathed but I have not washed. I have led alone and numb for hours on end in the burning water that all too soon turns to an unwanted coldness, at one with the voices that echo through the room.

  In no way am I tempted to even glance at my phone, I do not need a reminder of those that need me, I just need to be alone.

  Even when collapsed on the sofa in a delusional daze my restless body cannot find comfort. I lack the power to turn on the T.V because I know what awaits me.

  My mind continues to wonder back and replay irrelevant moments that all too soon become craved memories.

  I have lost too many days to this cycle that consumes me.

  I’m done.

  After weeks of yet again no contact from the bastard who relentlessly makes me question my own heart I decide I’m past my mourning stage (for now) and set my head into party to forget mode.

  This weekend would be the joint party to celebrate the upcoming wedding along with the rehearsal dinner. It was an unconventional way of doing things (not in any other circumstance would the bride and groom want their supposedly last night of freedom together, I guess they did) but that once again was Harley. When she first reeled off the itinerary for the weekend I was excited, now all I could think of was being held in a teasingly romantic captivity with Roman when all I wanted to do was forget him.

  My phone chimed and finally I feel at ease enough to answer.

  JD – If you’re like this now I dread to think what you’ll be like once you start your job.

  Everyone had travelled north the day before, we were to spend the entire weekend living it up in a luxury cottage house big enough to hold a small country. I could probably recite the description of the décor before even witnessing it thanks to my friends obsessing and excitement. As I needed to fill in some last minute applications for my apprenticeship I decided to travel up a day later, JD also had to wait due to work commitments so we agreed to travel together.

  Time keeping was never a personal strength of mine so when JD texted me reminding me I should have left hours before I headed out to my trusty car and made my way to him. Luckily he caught the train from home to ours making the journey a tad easier but two hours behind the wheel was bad enough.

  I arrived at the train station to find JD hitting on some poor sales assistant at the coffee stand, they appeared to be deep in conversation so I decided I would use that to get myself out of being so late. JD was dressed in skinny jeans and a tight fitting grey t-shirt exposing most of his chest which unlike Romans was bare. He had a sleeve but I had come to love men covered completely in art.

  Remembering the story behind JD’s sleeve makes me shake my head and stifle a laugh before walking over to him. When I was just fourteen JD took me to see a movie at the local cinema and for once I was kind enough to let him choose. Revolver. He fell in love with the tale so much; jumping in an excited frenzy at every gun scene that when his eighteenth birthday finally arrived he had the plot retold on his arm. The guy was crazy.

  “How could you, I spend hours waiting for you and here you are chatting up some loose brunette? We have four kids at home you asshole.”

  “Baby wait I can explain.”

  The waitress slapped JD across the side of his face and he ran after me. People stood around us too watch the aftermath but as soon as we were out of sight we stopped to laugh.

  “You need to stop greeting me like that, she was a part-time yoga instructor Wil. Do you realize what you’ve cost me?” JD laughed and pulled me into a spine crushing embrace shaking me from side to side.

  “One, stop calling me Wil for the one hundredth millionth time and two your penis is going to shrivel and fall off at this rate.” I pushed out of his squeezing hold and retraced my steps to where I parked.

  JD linked his arm around my shoulders and we headed for the car. Just forty five minutes into our journey and I was sure JD had just about enough of me talking his ear off filling him in with every single problem unravelling around me.

  We talked about work and families, his latest lines of victims, how happy we were Albie had finally come home. Most of all we spoke about Roman.

  “I hate to say I told you so but I told you so.” JD taunted as he bit into an apple. The entire journey I snacked on chocolates and being the fitness freak he had always been JD showed me up by snacking on fruit.

  “What does that mean? That doesn’t even relate to what we are talking
about.” I questioned.

  “Well remember ages ago and every day since you declared you wanted a love worth fighting for, a love so raw it consumes you and how you spent every day since pining for it. Well you kind of got what you were looking for.” He smugly stated putting on a mimicking tone to mock me.

  I told JD to shut the fuck up and he slept for the rest of the journey leaving me with my own unwanted thoughts.

  Was I implanted in his mind too?

  Before arriving at the country house all our friends were waiting at we made a pit stop for some liquid confidence. There was a small country pub located on the side of an empty road. In different lighting it would have been the perfect setting for a horror movie.

  I parked my heated car in the carpark and we headed into the pub. Inside there sat just three families having dinner whilst a group of men in suits waited at the bar each with a cider of choice in hand. From just looking at them they appeared to be business men, I recognized the gleaming brief case, ironed suits and overworked expressions just like my father had.

  There were two wooden stalls located at the end of the bar so me and JD took refuge on them and stretched out our legs after the journey. I ordered a double vodka and red bull and JD had the same to drink.

  “Hey why don’t you pay one of those guys to go back with you to flaunt in front of Roman and he can do that macho cave man thing and reclaim you?” JD suggested reminding me of a previous episode of the Roman and Lily chaotic journey.

  I shook my hand at him dismissing his stupidity and downed the rest of my drink.

  “Or why don’t you pay one of those guys to go back with you and well do whatever it is you can’t seem to find in a girl.” I mocked.

  We both nudged each other and laughed. We stayed at the bar for just over an hour until we were over the limit to drive. The kind bar lady said that our destination was just ten minutes down the road and called us a cab to take us the rest of the way.

  The cab arrived and I left JD to take care of the bags. Once in the back of the car I leant my head against the grey seats trying to steady my spinning vision. Maybe I had a lot more than I had realized. Finally after three or so long hours of driving, drinking and delving into every personal subject available we arrived at the house.

  As I looked up and studied the building, whilst JD took our luggage from the boot, I gawked at the beauty of the house. None of Harley’s descriptions had done it justice. The brown concrete bricks seemed withered from age adding to the mystery of history behind the place. Moss and flowers coated the majority of the house, it looked like something from a fairy tale.

  “Why is everything so quiet, are you sure they are even here?” JD asked as we made our way through the house hunting for the party.

  JD and I stumbled and giggled in turns trying all the possible doors and entrances. It was not until now I realized just how much we both had to drink.

  As if the universe was answering him we opened a door seating all the guests for a large dinner. I looked straight to Harley and apologized then peered down at my feet not wanting to make eye contact to anyone else.

  “Sorry sis but umm well I have no excuse sorry.” JD laughed then made his way to a seat at the table.

  Thankfully Peyton called me over so I did not have to raise my head and scan the table for a seat. I could not see him but I could feel him, I could feel the rage burning into me. I knew arriving with JD would anger him but for now I was past caring.

  The entire dinner went in a blur and I filled up on as much stodgy food washing it down with water trying to sober myself for the big night ahead. I could feel Harley was annoyed but she would get over it, I’m sure something wedding related would occur to preoccupy all her attention in no time.

  “He asked where you were.” Peyton whispered to me.

  “Probably wanting to know how long he had before he could stab an extra knife through me.” I stabbed my fork into the chicken in front of me conveying my annoyance.

  “Woah please refrain from the illicit use of cutlery.” I put down my fork and grinned. “I think he’s going to try and make it up to you. I hope so.”

  After dinner I unpacked my belongings in one of the many guest’s rooms. It appeared to replicate many of the rooms I had barged into previously. Reds and ambers decorated the room adding warmth and age. Once everything was unpacked I proceeded to get ready for the big party.

  The outfit I wore barely covered me. After the wallowing my inner ‘I don’t give a fuck’ slutty former self took control. My attire consisted of black studded heels making my legs double in length. I opted for a play suit that sat just above my ass cheeks and consisted of a backless design. It was black – as far away from white as possible.

  My makeup and hair was finally complete. Then a knock came at my door so I invited in whoever was there thinking it was probably Harley ready to scold my ass.

  “Hey”

  It was Roman.

  “Wha-” I attempted to talk but Roman stormed over and placed one finger over my mouth.

  “Please let me get this out whilst I have the words in my head.” I released a steady breathe and nodded. “I’m not good enough for you and I never will be. One day I am going to mess it up and you will finally want to get rid of me. But for now, let me spend as much of my life as I can proving to you that this thing is worthy enough to live out.”

  Without thinking I looped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

  “Always”

  I convinced myself I knew what love was but worse I spent my life believing I needed it, the perfect form of it. Now I was not sure I would ever fully understand what love is or could be. The only thing I was sure of is that I belonged to Roman. It is his smile I want to see when I awake even when he’s mad and low I want to be a part of it. It is Romans healing hands I want to touch me for the remainder of my days. Most of all it is his absence that threatens to brake me. His rejection that will haunt me for as long as I live.

  That is the reason I continue to put myself through all of this because at the end of the day we don’t get to pick who hurt us, we just have to make sure we are strong enough to see the bigger picture.

  I may be in love with Roman but I am tired of figuring out what we are. I am in love with him but not in the way I thought possible. My sanity depends on him. Now I was going to have to completely rethink my entire outlook on romance and decide if the high was worth the low. For now I was going to once again follow and heal to Romans every command and just live it out.

  “Oh so that is why you have been hiding.” As I breathed in the cheap essence of lavender my body tensed at the realization of who was stood behind me.

  “What do you want Odette.” My tone was harsh and unneeded but I couldn’t risk her getting anywhere near Lily.

  All in the world was once again at peace because Lily had taken me back just one more time. I could not keep my hands off of her the entire way to the club and my mind exploded with all the ways I would use every piece of my body and hers to make it up to her. For now I was sat at the bar waiting to be served, instead being ambushed by an unwanted trespasser in my happiness.

  “Well that’s not how to greet someone you haven’t seen in ages. She’s pretty I’ll give you that.” My eyes followed her gaze and met Lily at the other side of the club, she was dancing so freely her carelessness warmed me.

  “I haven’t got time for your shit Odette, just leave. How did you even know to find me here?” I took a firm grip of her wrist before she had chance to skim her claws along my thigh. Everything about this girl screamed cheap, I knew I would live to regret ever going near her.

  “Roman baby we can share, you know I never mind. Oh and I just wanted you to know everything is going smoothly, that is all.” Her pouted lips were over coated with shiny lip gloss and smudged at the corners, I wasn’t her first victim of the night. As she batted her lashes her flirtatious smile caused a deep feeling of nausea to puddle at the bottom of my stomach. What was once seen
as a green light to pleasure was now an evacuation warning.

  “You came all the way down here for that? Goodbye Odette. I will not be sharing Lily, you stay away from her you hear me?” My jaw tightened as the threat escaped my gritted teeth. Odette stood from the leather bar stall circling me like a whore in a strip club placing her poisonous hands at the nape of my neck.

  “You didn’t mind sharing before? I recall you loved the last time we shared, you never cared about anything before.” Her whiney voice sent shivers all over my body. If it was not for her father I would have never even looked twice at her.

  “Roman? Hello? You never cared before.” She continued trying to engage me in her game but my mind was lost where it was always captive these days, with Lily.

  “I never had Lily before.” I stated.

  Odette’s persona immediately changed and her temptress attributes shifted to a sinister front.

  “Oh please don’t tell me you actually care about this one? We both know you will screw it up and I’ll be here waiting when you do.” Oh fuck off. She folded her arms under her cleavage, I knew what she was trying to tempt me, hell, I have now had the taste of an Angel there was no way I was going to return to the devils spawn.

  “No, I don’t care about her Odette.”

  Her manipulative smile resurfaced and I leaned in close, my mouth less than an inch from her ear. I felt her breathing grow heavy and I smirked. “Care would be an understatement, what I feel for Lily is much more than that. She is more to me than you could ever even dream of being.” I declared shattering her confident portrayal.

  With that I walked away not even risking to look back in case I gave her even more ammunition to kick off. That sure as hell shut her up. I downed the rest of my scotch to steady my annoyance and began to scan the room for Lily, she was nowhere in sight.

  Harley and Peyton were dancing near the DJ booth, their staggering highlighted that they had too much to drink, how Dixon and Tristan let them out dressed like that or more accurately undressed like that I would never understand. Then I remembered what Lily chose to wear just to spite me and my lips were sealed.